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The 2009 Dyn-O-Mite Colorado Rockies Preview: Sluggers

2009-03-31T18:19:00.002-06:00

We have entered the Twilight Zone of spring training.

The time where most of the players still getting time on the fields are just looking not to get injured before the season starts while still getting enough work in to earn their paychecks when the games finally start to matter.

Since we have arrived at this most agonizing of hours when Opening Day can be seen on the horizon but five days still await the first pitch, it's about time for an official, dyn-o-mite 2009 preview of yours, mine, and our Colorado Rockies.

Let's begin with the beef of the roster, the one aspect of this ballclub that could keep the team in contention well into the dog days of summer: the offense.

If Ian Stewart is given a shot to start at second over Clint Barmes, it is not inconceivable that the Rockies could finish the season with seven starters with at least 20 home runs.

Here is the projected lineup for the Rockies:

CF Ryan Spilborghs: Finally given a chance to start after spending the last two seasons as the Rockies' super-sub, Spilly looks to turn his dynamic spring (.352, 18 RBIs, 12 extra-base hits in only 54 at-bats) into a superb summer.

SS Troy Tulowitzki: Out to prove that his disastrous 2008 was a severe aberration in a lifetime of success on the baseball field, Tulo will seek to once again enter the upper-echelon of shortstops and redefine his role as the team's outspoken leader.

1B Todd Helton: If his performance in Spring Training is any indication, Beltin' Helton is well on his way back to the production Rockies' fans have come to expect from the Face of the Franchise. With 14 RBIs, 8 extra-base hits, and a .515 average in only 33 at-bats this spring, Todd's back looks healthy enough to keep him slugging for 135 games this year.

3B Garrett Atkins: Though Atkins struggled through a sub-par 2008, much like the rest of the Rockies' regulars, he still managed a team-high 99 RBIs. Atkins remains a right-handed rock in the middle of a lineup loaded with lefties and has crushed the ball this spring to the tune of a .462 average.

RF Brad Hawpe: Though set back by the injury bug during the majority of March, Hawpe has returned to the lineup this past week with positive results. A slugger who has averaged 25 home runs and 95 RBIs the last three seasons, Hawpe looks to continue the trend he began last year with his .282 batting average against left-handed pitching.

C Chris Iannetta: Iannetta emerged in 2008 as one of the top offensive catchers in baseball which caught the eye of Team USA executives who picked Iannetta as their second catcher to Atlanta's Brian McCann in this year's World Baseball Classic. If Iannetta isn't seen as one of the top three catchers in baseball by season's end, it will be a shock.

2B Ian Stewart/Clint Barmes: Ian Stewart should win this position, hands down, if the Rockies wish to contend in 2009. His power could not only aid in the daunting task of replacing the departed production of Matt Holliday, but also give the Rockies a Paul Bunyan-esque power in their lineup. Barmes is a fine player, but would be better used as a super-utility man coming off the bench.

LF Seth Smith: Given the shot to take over left-field duties from Matt Holliday, Smith has hit the ball well this spring (.300, nine extra base hits.) While he won't come close to Big Daddy's prodigious numbers, he could form a fine platoon with a right-handed bat (Matt Murton, Dan Ortmeier, or (fingers crossed) Dexter Fowler.)

Bench: The million dollar question as of April 1 is whether or not blue-chip prospect Dexter Fowler will earn himself a roster spot when the smart money says he could use some experience playing every day at Triple-A.

Fowler has displayed a golden glove in center-field with his gazelle-like strides while constantly flashing his thousand-watt smile that would put Smilin' Bob from those Enzyte commercials to shame.

Spilly is set in center as we speak, but he doesn't have a true center-fielder's range. Fowler could potentially win a Gold Glove within the next two years and in Coors Field's cavernous gaps could endear himself to Rockies' pitchers and fans alike with his ability to track down fly balls.

If Skip Hurdle believes that Dex needs some Triple-A seasoning to begin the year, he will likely give the fourth outfielder spot to utility man Dan Ortmeier.

Ortmeier, a right-handed bat, has had a nice camp and can also play first base, but he's not a difference-maker at the plate or in the field.

Whoever loses out on the second base job, either Stewart or Barmes, will definitely take a roster spot with Jeff Baker probably nabbing the last position if he's not traded before Opening Day.

Yorvit Torrealba will back-up Chris Iannetta behind the plate, even though Dan O'Dowd had tried to trade the veteran catcher to give him a chance to start with another team.

With Opening Day now only five days (and change) away, I will soon tackle the '09 pitching staff in the thrilling conclusion to the preview of the 2009 Rockies.

Rox Need to Make Room for Stewart

2009-03-24T16:25:00.000-06:00

The Colorado Rockies are facing a serious dilemma whether they understand the dire circumstances or not.

With only a week and a half of Spring Training left, top-notch power prospect Ian Stewart is beginning to mash the ball in such a way that it would be nearly impossible, if not irresponsible, to keep him off the Opening Day roster.

The problem is, Ian Stewart remains a man without a position.

A third baseman by trade, Stewart is blocked on the big league club by Garrett Atkins, who has been one of the Rockies' most consistent offensive performers in the last four years.

When trade rumors swirled this past offseason about Atkins heading to a myriad of teams around Major League Baseball, Stewart was seen as the man who made Atkins expendable.

Ever since bursting onto the scene in 2004 with the Single-A Asheville Tourists by putting up some seriously prodigious numbers (.319, 30, 101, .398 on base percentage, 19 steals), Stewart received an invitation to big league camp in 2006 and put on another eye-popping performance.

In twenty-two games, Stewart hit .396 and slugged five home runs on his way to being named the Rockies' Spring Training MVP.

Much ado was made about Stewart's potential with the big club and while his subsequent Minor League numbers never quite approached his Asheville level, Stewart's power could not be denied.

He eventually reached the Major Leagues for a cup of coffee in 2007 and got a serious look in 2008 when Todd Helton's health became an issue.

In his first stint in 2008, Stewart struggled under the bright lights and posted a paltry .218 batting average with three home runs and five RBIs in eighteen games before packing his bags and heading back down I-25 to Triple-A Colorado Springs.

When Helton's back finally gave out on him in early June, Stewart was once again recalled as Atkins moved across the diamond to supplant Helton at first base.

This time, the results were much more encouraging.

After striking out a whopping 28 times in his first 56 at-bats in 2008, Stewart worked diligently on improving his swing and timing at the plate. The hard work soon started to pay off.

The lefty Stewart batted .270 in the second half, including an utterly ridiculous .370 clip against left-handers that proved to the Rockies' brass that he wasn't just a one-dimensional right-on-left slugger.

A .365 on base percentage is solid for a corner infielder, but could obviously still be improved upon and most of his ten home runs were of the oh-my-god-did-you-see-how-far-that-ball-went variety including a triple decker at Coors Field against the Brew Crew in June.

His average was up around the .290 mark before a late-season slide sent him to his final statline of .259, 10, 41 for his first (mostly) full season in the big leagues.

With Atkins entrenched at third base for at least one more season before he becomes a free agent, Skip Hurdle and Dealin' Dan tried to find a spot for their powerful product around the diamond.

They experimented with the 6'3", 205 lb beast at second base, though his body type doesn't exactly match the stereotypical second-baseman build. In twelve games at second base, Stewart played admirably considering he'd never manned the position before, committing only one error in 55 chances.

They told him to take fly balls in left field over the winter, to which he obliged, though he didn't see much action there during the spring as Seth Smith had a hold on the job before the first pitch was even thrown and has done nothing to lose his grip since.

Initially Hurdle said that Stewart's days as a second baseman were done with but recently has changed his tune as Stewart has been seen taking ground balls at second while his bat has started to heat up this spring. He brought a .294 average into Tuesday's tilt with the Cubbies with two home runs and seven RBIs in 14 games.

Herein lies the crux of the problem for Colorado.

With Atkins at third (barring his groin injury from lasting into the season's opening weeks), a healthy Helton at first, and Seth Smith getting a shot to replace Matt Holliday in left, Stewart presumably becomes the odd man out.

Sending Stewart to Triple-A at this point would do him no good. He has already validated everything he needed to prove in the Minor Leagues and needs consistent big league at-bats to become the star the Rockies believe he will blossom into.

My solution is to allow him to start the season at second base ahead of Clint Barmes.

While Barmes is a solid player and a good fielder, he will never come close to approaching the numbers Stewart could put up with 500 at bats in a season.

Barmes would be better used to replace Jeff Baker as the team's super-utility man since he can play every infield position and even center field if called upon.

Adding Stewart as an everyday option in the Rockies' lineup not only makes the starting nine much more dangerous, it allows Stewart the opportunity to develop his natural ability and adapt to a second base position that he proved he could manage last season.

A lineup with Ian Stewart joining Ryan Spilborghs, Troy Tulowitzki, Todd Helton, Garrett Atkins, Brad Hawpe, and Chris Iannetta gives the Rox a starting nine that has a serious shot to boast seven players with at least twenty home runs by season's end.

That's a stat that could strike fear into the heart of even the heartiest NL West hurler.

Let's hope that Hurdle and O'Dowd realize the opportunity they have on their hands to not only help in the effort to replace the production of Matt Holliday, but to make their offense one of the most potent in baseball.

Hope Springs Joe Morgan and Steve Phillips... Crap

2009-03-23T19:50:00.004-06:00

Holy hell. I need some mental respite from the WBC final. Steve Phillips and Joe Morgan in one telecast? Somebody waterboard me or something. If a Morgan/Phillips duet isn't torture, I don't know what is. I thought Obama was supposed to change things.

Anyways... How about them Rockies?

PECOTA told me they would win 78 games and somehow that seems about right. The offense is anything but intimidating and the rotation includes Jorge De La Rosa by default. Ugh. There are still some light spots in spring training.

Let's ignore the guranteed jobs (Cook, Jimenez, Marquis, De La Rosa (crap), Street, Corpas, Buccholz, Embree, Grilli, Iannetta, Atkins, Helton, Tulo, Hawpe) and focuse on the rest.

Clint "The Hacker" Barmes more or less has the 2b job on lock, but he's kinda not really very good mostly. His defense is average and all he really provides is average, literally. His bat has little pop and he has no discipline. His spring line, though a small sample size, shows pretty much how he is as a player (.262/.279/.452). He'll get some hits, he'll never take a walk, and he'll have some Coors Field power (that .452 slugging won't happen on the road in the regular season).

On the other hand, you have Ian "The Strikeout" Stewart. He has a daunting .297/.366/.622 line in the spring. He'll provide subpar second base defense but a ton of power and actually a bit of on-base percentage (unlike Barmes). They aren't going to take third away from Atkins and at this point, Stewart has no business being in the minors. They have to put him somewhere. Why not second?

Another intriguing idea is Omar Quintanilla. He's hit quite well throughout his minor league career, he's hitting well this spring (.325/.400/.500), and, as we all know, he knows how to play some D. He probably isn't good enough to play a full season at second, but why not pretend?

Then there is the outfield mess. Spilly is an all around terrific hitter, especially against southpaws, but, let's be honest, he's not an everyday center fielder. Dexter Fowler is already a gold glove caliber center fielder. No, he doesn't have any AAA experience, but neither does Hanley Ramirez. Pujols had all of 14 AAA ABs. It wouldn't be the end of the world to let him learn on the fly. Plus, every single pitcher on the roster would much rather see Fowler gliding to fly balls in the outfield. Fowler wouldn't hit like Spilly, but there would be a noticeable difference in team ERA if Fowler was the everyday CF. It's Dex time in Lodo.

If Dex is center, all you have to do is Platoon in right and left. Seth Smith and Brad Hawpe murder right handers and Matt Murton and Spilly murder left handers. Put all that together and you have an average to decent defense and an above average offense. The pitchers would like that too.

I'll finish up with them in a day or two...

P.S. Jay Cutler says he will report to Broncos Country when things become mandatory and Mc D says that Cutler is "our quarterback." Let's hope they kiss and make up. It's time to end this mess.

Beltin' Helton Back on Track

2009-03-18T18:22:00.000-06:00

Don't worry, everybody.

Let out that breath you've been holding in.

Stop refreshing denverpost.com to check for updates on the Jay Cutler trade saga.

Everything is copacetic in Colorado.

How is that possible, you ask?

Todd Helton is back.

Though two and a half weeks remain before rosters are set for Opening Day, Helton is already partying like it's 2001 and we've all got spots on the guest list.

Since 2005, the last season in which Helton belted at least twenty home runs, his degenerative back condition had begun to take its toll on his performance.

Once a perennial All-Star and batting champion whose prodigious offensive numbers channeled those of the late Ted Williams, among others, Helton's numbers dropped considerably as the injuries hampered his mobility and his ability to drive the ball to all fields.

Last season, the pain in Helton's back became so severe that it caused numbness in his left leg, further hindering the function of his legs. His once-powerful swing became one-dimensional and he was unable to hit pitches with the kind of authority we had grown accustomed to seeing.

On July 2, with his batting average at a paltry .266 and seven home runs to his name, Helton went on the disabled list, only to return for two pinch hit at-bats in 2008.

Helton finally made the decision to go under the knife as he headed for Southern California to undergo arthroscopic surgery.

Some were wondering if this surgery could be the end for Helton, who until Albert Pujols surpassed him, had been the active career leader in batting average and had spent his entire career loyal to the one organization that had drafted him and built their team around him.

Helton, however, is not one to take news of his demise sitting down.

Months of rehabilitation both on and off the field have brought us to the present, with Helton's name being penciled in on Clint Hurdle's lineup two to three times a week.

In only fourteen at-bats this spring, Helton leads the team in home runs with three, which gives us an inkling that the once-almighty power stroke that has deserted him in recent years, might make a comeback in 2009.

Helton will most likely not take in a full week's worth of action until the season starts, and even then Skip Hurdle will be sure to keep him well-rested by giving him plenty of scheduled off-days like he has done in the past.

Will we ever see the same Helton who averaged a .337 clip with thirty three home runs, 113 RBIs, and a .434 on base percentage during his first eight seasons?

Probably not.

But if Helton's back stays in shape and he can see action in 135-140 games, there's no reason why we couldn't see a similar line to his 2007 campaign in which he hit .320 with seventeen home runs, 91 RBIs, and a .434 on base percentage.

In a year where the Rockies need multiple regulars to rebound from abysmal '08 seasons, Helton's resurgence would be the most satisfying.

A healthy Helton not only puts butts in the seats for fans who ache to root for their hometown hero, but it adds another dimension to a Rockies lineup in dire need of top-tier production to replace the departed Matt Holliday.

Helton still commands a pitcher's respect and his plate discipline remains one of the greatest in the game.

With Helton driving in Spilly and Tulo while setting the table for Atkins and Hawpe, the Rockies lineup could once again become a force to be reckoned with in the wide-open NL West.

So turn your attention from the turmoil in Dove Valley and start setting your sights on summer nights at Coors Field because Beltin' Helton is on his way back.

Frankie K Makes Case for Rotation

2009-03-18T16:16:00.001-06:00

It seems the Rockies have finally remembered that while Spring Training games don't necessarily mean anything come April, it doesn't hurt to come away victorious every now and then.

After losing the first seven games in Arizona, the Rockies have now won their last six, the most recent coming Thursday against the Los Angeles Angels (redundancy alert) of Anaheim and Most Parts of Southern California not Including San Bernadino or Sea World.

Though still three and a half weeks from the Apr. 6 opener, some key players on the Rockies' roster are starting to emerge from their winter hibernation. Aaron Cook enjoyed his most impressive start of the spring yesterday against Cleveland by tossing five scoreless innings while striking out seven and walking none.

Ubaldo Jimenez, in his lone World Baseball Classic appearance, nearly set baseball in the Netherlands back a decade by striking out a WBC-record ten in only four innings.

Manny Corpas also returned from the WBC yesterday to add another scoreless inning to his spring total keeping his ERA a sparkling 0.00. It sure looks a lot better than his closer's role counterpart Huston Street who needed a spotless inning in Thursday's ballgame to get his ERA under 20.00.

But the man who's making me optimistic for our 2009 starting rotation is the man who will hopefully earn the chance to round it out: Franklin Morales.

Once a hotshot prospect in the Rockies system (and still is, I guess since he only just turned 23) Franklin aided the Rox in their Rocktober run in 2007 and made the Opening Day rotation in 2008 only to find himself in AAA a month later with a battered ego and a 6.39 ERA.

It also came to light this year that he pitched all last season with back pain, yet refused to bring it up to anyone in the organization who could have helped him, either with the pain or with his flawed mechanics caused by his adjustments to try and alleviate the stiffness in his back.

His regression in 2008 was reflected in his numbers in AAA. He never regained any form of consistency, going 10-5 but sporting a 5.47 ERA and an appalling 83/82 K/BB ratio.

This spring, however, with a clean bill of health and a clearer mind on the mound, Morales has impressed the Rockies' brass with his fastball command and presence on the hill.

Though his ERA currently stands at an unimpressive 4.85, that number is skewed from a start against the Angels where he allowed seven runs in three innings pitched.

His initial appearance of the spring showed a flash of the Morales of old as he tossed two scoreless, hitless innings against the White Sox. He also struck out two, and more importantly, didn't walk a batter.

His next start against the Angels set him back, but he responded to that awful outing with a scoreless, four inning start against the Giants where he struck out three and walked none.

Thursday, facing the Angels again, Morales made the necessary adjustments from facing the Angels previously and threw four innings, allowing only two runs on four hits. He also picked off two baserunners (for what that's worth).

In the race for the fifth spot in the Rockies' starting rotation between Morales, Greg Smith, Greg Reynolds, Josh Fogg, Jason Hirsh, and Matt Belisle, Morales has shown the Rockies what they needed to see to put their faith back in a prospect once thought to be the future of the starting five.

Three out of four nearly spotless appearances will certainly go a long way in seeing Morales' name penciled in to start every fifth day in 2009.

Mc D vs. Shagler vs. Predator: Requiem

2009-03-17T14:51:00.005-06:00

Hello again, my pretties. Oh, how I've missed you. Yay, and like John Travolta before me, I'm making a comeback. I was on the 60-day DL with non-baseballfootballitis. Luckily due to spring training and the draft coming up, my life has meaning. Oh and these frickin' Jay Cutler shenanigans.

Today on First and 10 they asked Dr. Skip Bayless, Sports MD if the Broncos/Cowboys should swap Jay Cutler for Tony Romo. Seriously? Have we come this far?

First of all, Football Outsiders ranked Jay Cutler as the fifth most valuable QB in football last year and Tony Romo eleventh. Who trades a 25-year old, Pro Bowl, top-5 QB? Nobody. Not nobody not no how.

This discussion should not happen, but it is. Cutler is under contract and only Matt Millen or a chimpanzee of average chimpanzee intelligence would trade Cutler, even for a number 1 overall pick. Ignoring this rather obvious fact, everyone involved in this situation is a moron: Mc D, Shagler, Bus "Whose career can I destroy now?" Cook, Pat "Furcoats and Trophy Wives" Bowlen.

Let me break it down for you:
Mc D - You are not all-hailed lord of football. Good leaders make their subjects enjoy what they do for their organization without feeling subjugated. Stalin shot anyone who opposed him. Don't be like Stalin! Also, I know you and Matt Cassel are BFFs but Football Outsiders had him as the 17th best QB. Comparing him and Cutler is like comparing Scot "With Legs Wide Open" Stapp's songwriting to Bob Dylan. Or that twirly Bono douche from Coldplay who probably hires someone to throw confetti over him wherever he goes to Thom Yorke. Stop.

Shagler - Ohhhhh does baby want a cookie? Or a gigantic contract? Stop crying and play football. If I made a couple million dollars a year, I would sure as shit be glad to do my job. Mike Shanahan would have rather have coached John Elway for every day of his career, but he got stuck coaching a crybaby like you. Why didn't you complain then? Pick up a football and stop whining. Trades are discussed in every sport. You are not above everyone. You haven't even won a playoff game yet. Get off your high horse and stop crying.

Bus Cook - Aaaannnnnnddddddd there you have it. We have another Scott Boras, but for football! You boned Brett Favre and now you've come for Jay Cutler. Please just fire yourself and go ruin a sport that nobody cares about, like women's basketball. Or hockey (Canada excluded).

Pat Bowlen -You shouldn't have let it get this far. At least you are taking a side and it's probably best to take your coach's side. Still, you're captian of the Broncos ship and you have a mutiny on your hands. Slap Shagler around til he plays and show Mc D you're in charge.

Please, Elway, make this stupid soap opera stop. It is embarrassing for Broncos fans everywhere and never should have happened in the first place.

(Now that I'm off the DL, I'll try and get back into posting at least a couple times per week.)

Soundtracks of the Rockies: 2009 Edition

2009-02-19T20:05:00.002-07:00

Surfing around on the Internet can show you many things. Some are informative, some are worthless, and some are definitely not safe for work.

While scrolling through some articles on www.sportstimeohio.com, a blog associated with the television home of the Cleveland Indians, I came across an article that gave me not only inspiration for a blog entry, but some belly laughs as well.

The article was written by Indians beat writer Paul Cousineau, a very intelligent and thorough journalist, about which popular songs he believes should be adopted by the 2009 Cleveland Indians' ballplayers as their batters' and pitchers' ditties for the upcoming season.

That got me thinking about the 2009 Colorado Rockies and which songs would work with which players? Each ballplayer has their own choice of song that comes over the stadium loudspeakers whenever they come to the plate or come into pitch.

Here are a few choices that I think the Rockies should seriously consider making their own personal ditties.

Todd Helton

"The Last Waltz" by the Band

Though Helton professes to be healthy thus far this spring, chronic back injuries are incredibly difficult to come back from, especially to the form Helton displayed early on in his career when he was a flirting with .400 on a yearly basis.

This beautifully intricate waltz by one of the most underrated bands of all time, The Band, closed out their Martin Scorcese-directed 1978 documentary of the same name. The Band didn't have a closing statement. They let their music do the talking as the lights slowly faded out in the Winterland Ballroom.

We can only hope Helton has a few more waltzes left in his lumber.

Troy Tulowitzki

"Mama Said Knock You Out" by LL Cool J

One only needs the opening snarl of Ladies Love Cool James to pump up even the most apathetic of fans.

"Don't call it a comeback. I've been here for years. Rockin' my peers, and puttin' suckas in fear."

If the Rockies are going to have any chance at recapturing Rocktober, they're going to need Tulo to return to his 2007 form where he enjoyed the greatest season ever by a National League rookie shortstop.

Garrett Atkins

"Unappreciated" by Cherish

Swamped by offseason rumors that he would be wearing a different uniform come 2009, Atkins has to feel a bit miffed that his name was thrown around so freely during the Hot Stove talks.

Atkins is still a Rockie, however, and what better way to show your organization how you really feel then with a teenage, girl-group r'n'b ballad?

Brad Hawpe

"Count on Me" by Whitney Houston

Hawpe has been nothing but consistent in his three years as a starter (.289 average, 25 home runs, 95 rbis in a normal season) and with Matt Holliday taking his All-Star bat to Oakland, Hawpe will be counted on to shoulder more of the offensive load.

Whitney Houston's duet with Cece Winans about accountability in turbulent times is the perfect anthem for Hawpe's role in 2009. And it'll put a stop to that gawd-awful Nickelback song he's been using for the last two seasons.

Chris Iannetta

"Don't Stop Me Now" by Queen

Iannetta entered last season as the backup to Yorvit Torrealba and emerged on the fringe of the league's upper echelon of offensive backstops (18 homers, 65 RBI, .390 on-base percentage in 104 games). As the starter this season, he's looking to keep that positive momentum going.

No word yet if he's named his bat, Mr. Farenheit.

Ryan Spilborghs

Spilly doesn't need my help. He's a batter's ditty-connoisseur.

Aaron Cook

"99 Red Balloons" by Nena

This German pop smash single would be the perfect song for everybody's favorite red-headed right-hander. Perhaps the 99 red balloons will stand for each one of Cookie's strikeouts this year (plus one to make it an even 100).

Jeff Francis

"Sunshine on My Shoulder" by John Denver

Though Francis' shoulder is going to keep him out for the season with his decision to undergo surgery, this mellow, optimistic number from the legendary folk singer-songwriter should keep his thoughts positive while he rehabs for 2010.

Ubaldo Jimenez

"The Way" by Fastball

What better band to represent the pitcher who had the highest average fastball in baseball last year than a band called, well, Fastball?

Anyone can see the road Jimenez walks on is paved in gold as he looks to build upon his impressive first full season in the big leagues (12-12, 3.99 ERA, 172 strikeouts).

Jason Hirsh

"Running out of Time" by Hot Hot Heat

This poppy rock song can get some pep in Hirsh's step before he takes the hill.

Once a top prospect, Hirsh has never taken advantage of his chances in the big leagues and at 27, may be running out of opportunities.

Manny Corpas

"Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson

Corpas, who was admittedly out of shape and lacking focus in 2008, has reportedly shown up to camp fit and prepared to win his closer's job back. He'll have to battle Huston Street, but it seems as if he's taken a long look in the mirror and is ready to go out and make a change.

Huston Street

"New Kid in Town" by the Eagles

Street, an acquisition brought to the Mile High City in the Holliday deal, won't know many of his new teammates before he reports to Tucson, but he'll soon be just one of the guys once he starts throwing zeroes on the scoreboard.

Ian Stewart

"Ready to Roll" by Flashlight Brown

This pumped-up anthem should prepare Stewart to excel in 2009, no matter what position he's playing, be it third base or left field.

Carlos Gonzalez

"Superstar" by Lupe Fiasco

"If you are what you say you are, a superstar, then have no fear, the crowd is here."

Gonzalez has been named the top prospect in two separate organizations (the Diamondbacks and Athletics) and has come to Colorado looking to replace Holliday. Eventually, he'll have to stop living off his potential and start leading with his production.

If you guys have your own picks, be sure to leave them in the comments. I'm going to start making a playlist.

Spring Sneak Peek: The Rockies Infield

2009-02-18T20:29:00.003-07:00

Now that I've dissected the 2009 Colorado Rockies starting rotation and bullpen as part of my season preview (albeit the last entry being over a month ago), I feel it's time to tackle the infield prospects the Rockies will be molding as they prepare for the regular season.

Let's begin with the obvious.

Troy Tulowitzki will man the shortstop position for as long he keeps his batting average above the Mendoza Line and the splintered ends of his bats out of the flesh on his palms.

If the pain in Todd Helton's back doesn't continue to be a royal pain in his ass, you can pencil the legendary lefty into the three-spot in both the batting order and the fielding lineup.

If his back pain flares up, however, it will set in motion a shuffling of players reminiscent of an old parlor game of three card monte.

Garrett Atkins, the incumbent third baseman will shift over to first bringing Ian Stewart in to replace Atkins. Stewart's time at third will give more playing time in left field to Seth Smith or Matt Murton or whoever wins the left field job coming out of Tucson.

Stewart's potential and production last year in his time with the Major League club should pay off in the form of a full season with the Rockies in whatever position Skip Hurdle needs him.

Hurdle has told the media that Stewart will be taking ground balls at third and fly balls in left in hopes of finding a spot for his powerful bat more games than not.

Second base will be an interesting option for Hurdle this year because of his options at both the Major and Minor League levels.

Clint Barmes will be given the chance to win or lose the position in Spring Training after a solid, if unspectacular performance (.290, 11, 44) at the position in 2008. Jeff Baker will also be given at bats to try and crack his way into Clint Hurdle's starting lineup, a feat he's never been able to consistently accomplish in his four years with the Rockies.

Coming up quickly through the Rockies' ranks are youngsters Eric Young, Jr., a familiar face around Tucson thanks to his father, and Chris Nelson, the 2004 number one pick who's finally starting to hit his stride offensively (.321, 6, 17 in 29 games in the Arizona Fall League).

Young absolutely tore up the AFL as he led the league in hitting with a .430 average in thirty-one games while knocking five home runs (one inside-the-park) and tallying twenty stolen bases in only twenty-one attempts. His coming-out party earned him an invite to Tucson and he projects to start the year in AAA Colorado Springs barring a spectacular performance in the month of March.

Omar Quintanilla will perennially provide dazzling defense and lackluster lumber while prospect Christian Colonel, former Rockie Luis A. Gonzalez, and pint-sized speedster Jonathan Herrera will also get the opportunity to prove they belong in the infield mix as well.

I'll profile the catchers in the next exciting installment of Generation Redemption: the 2009 Colorado Rockies.

A Plea to the Baseball Gods

2009-02-12T17:20:00.000-07:00

Saturday's bombshell that Alex Rodriguez, arguably the best player in baseball today, had tested positive for steroids back in 2003, and today's subsequent confession on the part of the Big Apple bomber, is bound to put in motion a chain of events that will leave the charred baseball landscape with no steroid stone left unturned.

Many journalists have pontificated their opinions about how Rodriguez has completely destroyed any shred of dignity that remained of the once proud and sacred game of baseball, and since I am inclined to agree, I won't repeat their cynical sentiments.

The real issue on everybody's minds now, since Rodriguez's confession will assuage at least a part of the furor headed his way, are the names of the other 103 Major Leaguers who failed their drug tests along with A-Rod.

I refuse to even speculate which names could be on the list because in today's media world of instant gratification and a blogger to blogger rumor mill that can spread faster than the Black Death, even the mere mention of a suspected name, no matter the context, can open a Pandora's Box that could unleash a whirlwind of untruths into the blogosphere.

Instead, I'm going to make a plea.

Not to the media, or the Commissioner's office, or the players, or the organizations, or the player's union, or the player's agents, but to the gods of baseball whomever they may be.

Please, let this be the end of it.

Release the final 103 names on the list of players who tested positive back in 2003 and allow the players, organizations, and fans to put the Steroid Era in the rearview mirror, back over it a few times, and speed away, never looking back.

With the steroid testing in place right now, this list should be the last gasp from the stranglehold performance-enhancing drugs have had on the game over the last fifteen years.

With the public release of these names, it would allow the players implicated to either fight the accusations until they're up against a grand jury (see Bonds, Barry and Clemens, Roger), or to simply acquiesce and admit their wrongdoings, exonerating themselves in the court of public opinion like Andy Pettitte, Jason Giambi, and now Alex Rodriguez have done.

If A-Rod's name never would have been released, the general public would never have known of the list's existence, much less the names written on it.

Now that one name, albeit one of the top superstars in the game, has been leaked, it triggers the natural human instinct to not rest until we know the identities of the other 103 culprits.

If the rest of the list never sees the light of day, I can't say that I would be too broken up about it. I don't want the possibility of some of my favorite players, athletes I have looked up to, being forced to explain to the entire baseball world how a moment of weakness or insecurity will forever tarnish the legacy they have built in the game and in their communities.

But if we must pull the curtain back on the supposedly confidential list, all I have is this one final plea.

Please, let this be the end of it.

Many Questions Face Rox as Spring Training Nears

2009-02-12T16:45:00.001-07:00

With the Rockies' pitchers and catchers set to report to Tucson on Friday, and the rest of the club coming in early next week, many questions still remain as to whether or not the Rox can return to the prominence they tasted in 2007.

Personally, I think a playoff run is possible when you consider a few important factors:

The NL West is completely, totally, Wyoming-ly wide open. When you look at the rosters of each of the five teams, everyone except the Padres, who are in a cost-cutting financial free fall, are seen as possible contenders for the division title.

No team made a major addition to their rosters. Matt Holliday switching leagues would be the biggest loss for any team in the NL West, and it's a veritable staring contest to see who will blink first between the Dodgers and the Giants when it comes to the Manny Ramirez sweepstakes at this point.

The NL West is still one of the more pitching-rich divisions in the game, and with each team hacking their way through Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, Jake Peavy, Tim Lincecum, Chad Billingsley, Aaron Cook, and Ubaldo Jimenez, it's going to be tough for any team to build a sizable advantage in the standings.

Eighty-four wins, which the Dodgers earned last year to win the division, could very well do the trick again.

But back to the Rockies...

What are some of the major questions that must be answered before their Apr. 6 Opening Day showdown with the D-Backs?

How's Jeff Francis' shoulder?

The shoulder status of Jeff Francis will be monitored on an hourly basis as he tries to work through the scar tissue remaining in his pitching arm. He's supposedly going to make a decision about whether surgery is necessary soon after arriving in Tucson.

If he decides to go under the knife, it's bye-bye to 2009. If he breaks through said scar tissue during his daily bullpen sessions, he could be back on the mound around May or June.

How's Todd Helton's Back?

A majority of the lineup's daily movement will rest on Helton's balky back. If he's good to go, Garrett Atkins will man third while Ian Stewart either rides the bench or plays out of position in left field. If Todd needs a breather, Atkins goes to first and Stewart returns to his natural position at third base, opening up a spot for Seth Smith in left.

Who's Rounding Out the Rotation?

Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, Jason Marquis, and Jorge de la Rosa have the first four spots in the starting rotation as it stands today. The real position battle for that fifth spot will be between lefties Franklin Morales and Greg Smith and righties Jason Hirsh, Greg Reynolds, Josh Fogg, and Matt Belisle.

Smith could have the upper hand as he threw nearly 200 innings with the Athletics last season with moderate success (7-16, 4.16.) Morales has the best stuff of any of the candidates, but dealt with control issues and a bad back in 2008.

Who Will Man the Outfield?

Brad Hawpe is a lock in right. The other two spots are more up in the air. Ryan Spilborghs will be given the chance to translate his super-sub skills into a starting spot in center while Seth Smith will set up shop in left, getting spelled by Matt Murton when the team faces a tough lefty.

If any of those players should fail, hot shot prospects Dexter Fowler and Carlos Gonzalez will be waiting in the wings for their chance to shine.

How Hot is Clint Hurdle's Seat?

Maybe the reason why we never see Clint Hurdle sitting down in the dugout is because his seat is hotter than my new girlfriend, Bar Rafaeli. Hurdle's been given a seemingly infinite amount of patience on the part of the Monfort Brothers in his seven year tenure as the team's head coach, but you really have to wonder how much more losing the organization can take.

If the Rockies slink out of the gate in '09, look for Hurdle to be updating his resume come June.

Murton Added to Rockies Mix; Wimberly Subtracted From Equation

2009-02-04T20:32:00.001-07:00

Unbeknownst to many baseball fans and highway architects alike, Oakland Athletics' general manager Billy Beane and Rockies' GM Dan O'Dowd went into the offseason with blueprints for a major project that could only be defined as "ambitious."

The plan? A pipeline that runs directly from McAfee Coliseum in Oakland, Calif. to Coors Field in Denver.

This proposed pipeline would transport not only automobiles, freight, and the occasional roadkill raccoon, but Major League Baseball players traveling between the two cities and teams behind the historic enterprise.

Alan Embree drew the short straw and took the initial trek from Cali to Colorado. Once Alan arrived safely in the Mile High City, both organizations knew their paved path was safe.

Then came the Matt Holliday deal, a 3-for-1 swap that sent relief pitcher Huston Street, starting pitcher Greg Smith, and hot-shot outfield prospect Carlos Gonzalez to the Rockies in exchange for the superstar slugger.

You thought they were done? Oh, no. The two trade-happy GMs had one more deal up their respective sleeves, finalizing a trade that sent reserve outfielder Matt Murton to Colorado for minor league speed demon Corey Wimberly.

The Rockies dealt from a position of strength within their minor league system. Wimberly was a solid young player and he led the Texas League in stolen bases. He could play a myriad of positions, but he also was stuck behind Clint Barmes and Ian Stewart at the Major League level and Eric Young Jr. and Chris Nelson in the minors.

Murton, a career .312 hitter against left-handed pitching, could form a productive platoon with Seth Smith, a career .314 hitter against righties. With Murton coming into the fold, he fills out the 40-man roster, but also adds to the slew of outfielders vying for a starting spot in 2009.

With Brad Hawpe fully entrenched in right field, there are now eight candidates for the other two positions. Ryan Spilborghs presumably has the upper hand in center with prospects Dexter Fowler and Gonzalez giving him stiff competition. Veteran Scott Podsednik was also invited to Spring Training as a non-roster player after hitting .253 in 93 games with the Rockies in 2008.

In left, Smith will have every opportunity to win the job in the spring, but if he falters in the Arizona sun, Gonzalez, Murton, and non-roster invitee Dan Ortmeier will push him for playing time.

In an effort to get Stewart consistent repetitions, he will also be put into the outfield mix to keep his thunderstick in the starting nine.

That is assuming, of course, that no more players will be making the trip down the Oakland-Denver pipeline between now and Feb. 17, when position players report to camp.

At this rate, it's anybody's guess.

The 2009 Rockies: Starting Rotation

2009-01-05T11:06:00.006-07:00

So, now that Broncos season is, ahem, over in somewhat unceremonious fashion, it is finally time to turn both our eyes to the upcoming 2009 baseball season. Don't get me wrong, I'm rooting for the Nuggets to keep on keepin' on just as much as the next guy, but to me, it's all about baseball.

The Rockies have definitely stirred the proverbial pot this offseason by making moves both major and minor in hopes of finding the correct chemistry to put a winner on the field. They traded superstar slugger Matt Holliday for prospects, cut ties with speedster Willy Taveras, and added a bit of depth to the back end of the rotation as well as the middle innings of the bullpen.

They are also on the verge of finalizing a deal that would send high-priced reliever Luis Vizcaino to the Cubbies for high-priced starting pitcher Jason Marquis.

Viz struggled to a 5.28 ERA in 43 games last season while never carving out a niche for himself in Hurdle's bullpen. Marquis enjoyed an up and down season with the Cubs finishing with an 11-9 record and a 4.63 ERA. His signing would raise the Rox' payroll about $5 million in 2009.

Marquis would fill in a blank spot in the rotation after Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, and a (hopefully) rejuvenated Jeff Francis. With the amount we would be paying Marquis for the 2009 season, you would have to believe that he would have the number 4 or 5 spot locked up. That would leave the other spot up for a heated competition between Jorge de la Rosa, newly acquired Greg Smith, Greg Reynolds, and Jason Hirsh when Spring Training opens.

De la Rosa overcame some early season Rick Ankiel-ness and actually ended the year in impressive fashion compiling a 5-2 record with a 2.44 ERA over the season's final two months. He has a live fastball and a biting slider with a slow curve that throws off the hitter's timing. For Rosie to be successful, it's all just a matter of getting out of his own head. Don't think. It can only hurt the ballclub.

Smith is an intriguing piece of work we received from the A's for Matt Holliday. His stats from his rookie season will not inspire confidence in the Rockies' faithful (7-16, 4.16 ERA,) but outside appearances can be deceiving. He's a Tom Glavine-type with a big-league cutter and curveball with a show-me changeup. His minor league numbers were outstanding as he had three times as many strikeouts as walks (309/105) compared to his banal Major League numbers (111/87.)

To me, that just shows some inexperience and rookie butterflies, and he should rebound in his sophomore season and remember what made him such a valuable commodity in the Minor Leagues. For what it's worth, he also has one of the better pickoff moves in baseball as he tallied 15 in his rookie year.

Reynolds, the number 2 pick in the 2006 draft (before Tim Lincecum to name a few), didn't make the kind of impression that one would hope he would. Brough up to the Majors by necessity after injuries besieged the ballclub, he made his debut in May and absorbed a loss to the Padres. It wouldn't get much better for the kid as the season went on as he racked up a 2-8 record with an 8.13 ERA while notching more walks (26) than strikeouts (22.)

Hirsh is running out of time to prove that his extensive Minor League track record (Pitcher of the Year in both AA and AAA) will translate into Major League success. He'll be 27 when the season starts hoping to find his fastball instead of relying so heavily on his changeup and slider. If he doesn't crack the rotation coming out of Spring Training, Hirsh may be relegated once again to the Minor Leagues where he's toiled for the majority of his career.

As I see it shaking out currently, the Rockies rotation will look like this:

Aaron Cook
Jeff Francis
Ubaldo Jimenez
Jason Marquis
Greg Smith/De la Rosa

Of course, whoever performs in Spring Training are going to take those bottom two spots, but I feel like Hurdle will want another lefty in the rotation. Whoever impresses most out of Smith and Rosie will take the final position.

I'll be analyzing the moves made by the Rockies as it relates to the bullpen, infield, and outfield in the coming days. I'm about to move out of Colorado to Virginia, so don't be scared if you don't hear from me for a little while.

Hiatus

2009-01-03T14:08:00.004-07:00

Well, I guess Frost Brewed has been on hiatus over the past few weeks because of the holidays and what have you. And it will continue to be on hiatus for a few more weeks while I take a business (not) trip to Europe. When I get back, though, Frost Brewed will be back, like Howie Mandel.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 16

2008-12-19T10:32:00.009-07:00

The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week

Terrell Owens on how to answer a question without having to actually answer it:

"I believe somebody said it. But I didn't say it. So, why would somebody just jump to the conclusion that I said it and it created all this, uh, all this controversy and this turmoil throughout the week because again, if you look at situations that have happened in the past, just say give this incident, for example. You're a reporter. Ed's a reporter. All those guys are going to ask guys in the locker room. Give me your take on what's going on. Sure there may be some guys... If I was at fault, those guys are going to say that I was at fault. So it's going to be confirming what the situation is."

I guess Stephen A. Smith was too busy enacting his long planned revenge on Ed Werder to actually focus on his interview and ask penetrative questions--questions like: What the fuck are you talking about? and Could you please actually answer my question in a truthful, candid, non-political manner?
__________________________________________________________________

The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week

Holy hell, it's already week 16. They already announced the Pro Bowl rosters. I guess it's time to go ahead and announce the Scrappy Bowl roster. Here are your gritty, gutty gamers for the year (mostly white, as the cliche goes):

The 2008 All-Scrap Team
QB - Chad Pennington - No, he doesn't have a beard. No, he's not Brett Favre. But he has little to no talent, yet he still has helped the Dolphins (1-15 last year) to a division-leading 9-5 record. He's even gutted out an average of one touchdown pass per game.
RB - Darren Sproles - This is always a tough roster spot. A scrappy running back is kind of an oxymoron. Still, Sproles might actually be scrappy. He's a quick little guy that never gives up. (This would have gone to Peyton Hillis, but he got injured and won't be able to play in the Scrappy Bowl)
FB - Dan Klecko - Gotta be Dan Klecko. He is so untalented he can't stick with one position. The Eagles have tried him as a fullback and a defensive tackle. Anywhere you can fit his can-do Rudy attitude is good for the team.
WR - Wes Welker - He is pretty much a lock every year. He can have it next year too. The minute wideout is second in the NFL in receptions this year. And he's almost 3 feet tall!
TE - Kevin Boss - He hasn't hadded the greatest year and he is very unspectacular, but he has replaced Jeremy Shockey, and actually showed Jeremy Shockey up. Anyone who shows up Jeremy Shockey, or sullies him in any way, has a special place in my heart.
OL - Jon Runyan - Just one O-lineman this year. That's because Runyan has the balls to take on a whole defensive line--and break their fingers while the refs aren't looking.
DE - Kyle Vanden Bosch - Could have gone with Jared Allen here, but I think Vanden Bosch has really shown his gamesmanship this year. I mean, look at that goatee.
DT - Justin Bannan - With Kelly Gregg (very scrappy in his own right) missing the season, Bannan has filled in admirably, anchoring one of the best defenses in football. Plus, he's a former Buff and lord knows they haven't had any talented players in fifteen years.
LB - Barrett Ruud - Ruud seems like the quintessential linebacker. He's not particularly fast but he plays hard and always finds himself near the ball. Very Scrappy.
CB - Cortland Finnegan - Maybe it's because his name is really white, I don't know. Still, he's a bump and run corner. He likes phsyical contact with receivers. He isn't afraid of getting within ten yards of the receiver he is supposed to be covering, unlike Dre Bly.
S - Eric Weddle - Remeber when he was coming out of college and nobody knew what position he played, but knew that he played his ass off? Well, he has. He currently leads the Chargers "defense" in tackles and has the second most tackles of any safety in the NFL.
K - John Carney - He's old.
P - Jeff Feagles - He's also old.
_____________________________________________________________________

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

Has anybody noticed how boring the Colts are? Sure, they score lot, but they are so predictable and methodical that there is really no point in watching. It's like watching something in the microwave. The Colts have the ball they're going to march down the field and score on a touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne. I put my Campbell's Chunky Soup in the microwave and three minutes later it is quite warm. New Cambell's Chunky Soup--It's so chunky, we got rid of that pussy-ass soup. (Electric guitar noises and picture of kids skateboarding) This ain't your grandma's soup. It's 100% chunks, unwatered down by that soup crap. Soup is for the birds. Chunks are funky fresh, homeslice. Now, with only 350% your daily value in sodium.

Winner: Alas, I'm too late

Baltimore @ Dallas

I heard that Todd Heap is totally BFFs with Willis McGahee and they are like totally pissed about how Joe Flacco has been running the offense. Also Mark Clayton told me that Ray Rice said that Troy Smith totally saw Lorenzo Neal making out with Le'Ron McClain's girlfriend. OMG!!!!!!!

Winner: Baltimore

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

I'm calling it now, folks. 0-0 tie. That's right, Donovan. The Bengals tie two games in one year. I really don't see how these teams could score any points. Maybe a field goal because of an interception. Maybe.

Winner: Tie

New Orleans @ Detroit

So, Reggie Bush is out for the rest of the season. I think this finally proves that he has the toughness and durability to play running back in the NFL. Ahman Green did it. Why can't us?

Winner: New Orleans

Arizona @ New England

I think the last four weeks have shown that the Cardinals really aren't all that good. I mean, I know a running game is totally worthless, but it seems like they could use one. Maybe playing a bit of defense might help a bit too.

Winner: New England

Pittsburgh @ Tennessee

Knowing the amount of games available on basic cable, this probably won't be on. It seems like two or three years ago, there were always three games on--at 1 MST and at 4 MST. Now, there is one game on at 1 (maybe one more on occasion) and it's the Lions versus the Bengals or something. Then, if the Broncos are playing at 4, their game is on. If they aren't playing at 4, no game is on. There are 47 simultaneous college football games on cable television on Saturdays and every once and a while they can muster up two simultaneous NFL games on Sunday. Way to go, NFL.

Winner: Tennessee get's the roll back on WHAT!

San Fransisco @ St. Louis

This game doesn't matter at all except for draft position. These teams might as NBA-it and try to lose. Ain't no lottery getting in their way. Hell, the Rams could even get Matt Stafford. He's good, right?

Winner: Frisco

Miami @ Kansas City

How did the Chiefs blow that game last week? I know they're the Chiefs, but still. The Chargers must have paid off Herm Edwards or something. Stuff like that should not happen.

Winner: Miami

San Diego @ Tampa Bay

I like how Philip Rivers said that their comeback win last week showed the character of their football team. They beat one of the worst teams in football a year after making the AFC championship with virtually the same roster. Now, that's what I call character.

Winner: Tampa Bay (pretty please)

Buffalo @ Denver

Trent Edwards is back, so there will be no retarded game-losing fumbles for J.P. Losman. I bet they are super psyched they signed Dick Jauron to an extension after they started 5-1. The 1-7 record since then is much more in line with what Jauron has done throughout his career.

Winner: Denver

Football Jets @ Seattle

The Jets have scored more points than any team but the Cardinals this season. Last year, they struggled to score as many points all season as most teams score in one game. The only new starters on offense are Brett Favre, Damien Woody, Alan Faneca and then Tony Richardson and Dustin Keller have split starts. I know Faneca is good, but the others... meh. Maybe Brett Favre really does make everyone else on his team magically play better, like everybody says.

Winner: Football Jets

Houston @ Oakland

You have to wonder what the Raiders are going to do this offseason. And next offseason for that matter. They have a good pass defense and that's it. They need a whole new offensive line, a quarterback, at least one quality receiever, a new defensive line, at least another linebacker. Al Davis is only going to drive them further into the ground. It sure is a satisfying situation, though, as a Broncos fan.

Winner: Houston

Atlanta @ Minnesota

Tavaris Jackson threw 4 frickin' touchdowns last week. 4. So they forgot about the Gus train and jumped on board with him. I'm not a mathmetician or nothing, but sources tell me the Cardinals have given up more passing TDs than any team in football. The Falcons have given up almost half as many. 4 TDs ain't happening again for Jackson.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Washington

After their trainwrecks againts Cincinnati and Baltimore, the Eagles have played quite well. I guess for those two weeks the McRib was available at McDonalds and Andy Reid had other things on his mind.

Winner: Philadelphia

Carolina @ Football Giants

Oh, poor little Giants miss their Plaxico Burress. Thus is the tragedy of sweatpants. Brandon Jacobs is questionable, but people seem to think he's going to play. As long as he doesn't have dinner at Applebee's today or tomorrow.

Winner: Carolina

Green Bay @ Chicago

Remember how great Green Bay was at the beginning of the year. They were going to make the Super Bowl. Their defense was jammin' mon. Well, not so much. Those Green Bay pundits fell under a classic Brett Favre ruse. See how well the Jets are doing with crappy players? Well, Brett Favre was the entire Packers team. Atari Bigby forgot how to play safety without Brett Favre. It happened to like twenty other Packers too. Crazy.

Winner: Chicago

Last Week: 9-7
Overall: 117-76

An Ode to Willy Taveras

2008-12-17T10:45:00.000-07:00

In honor of the Rockies' erstwhile centerfielder Willy Taveras' abrupt departure from the Mile High City, I've taken time out of my "busy" schedule to honor this occasion with a bit of poetry.

Onward, ho.

An Ode to Willy Taveras

Oh Willy Taveras, though your feet are fleet

To me, the bench holds your permanent seat

It's a shame you're not our problem anymore

For when you reached base, you would normally score

But therein lies the issues that be

Your two bum legs and .308 obp

As you flailed at pitches, Skip Hurdle turned terse

And filled out his lineup sans you hitting first

This irked you greatly, and doth you protest

That your stolen-base record placed you with the best

You came to the ballpark with your mind on a mission

But you still hit .204 with runners in scoring position

While Spilly was sparking an anemic offense

You were misjudging flies as you high-fived the fence

While we'll never forget your NLCS Game Two game-saver

The tastes in our mouths are not ones we will savor

Though your speed was electric and you possessed quite a burst

You forgot in the rule book that you can't steal first

So we had to part ways, what with the outfield youth

Climbing the ladder like George Michael Bluth

Like Santa's reindeer, we've got young guns to lead us

And it's so reminiscent of the Night Before Christmas

On Fowler, on Car-Gon, on Hawper and Smitty

On Stewart, on Tulo, on Atkins, and Spilly

So unfortunately Willy, your talent's not needed

But I'm sure that your hot stove will soon be reheated

When you face us as foe, I'm sure you'll be pissed

But just know that in Denver, your stats won't be missed

Fin.

Broncos Looking at a Must-Win Sunday

2008-12-17T10:41:00.001-07:00

My apologies for the brief sabbatical I've taken from my duties here on Bleacher Report, but Vegas called and sometimes, you just have to accept the charges.

Onto the Broncos.

As the ashes from the Broncos beatdown at the hands of the Carolina Panthers continue to fall, things are starting to get a little more tense here in Broncos Country.

With the opportunity to clinch the AFC West Division title yesterday with either a Chargers loss at the hands of the Chiefs or a Broncos victory, the Broncos could have wrapped up a playoff berth with just 11 shopping days left until Christmas.

The Chiefs, however, had other plans.

Clinging to an 11-point lead with just over a minute left, the Chiefs remembered exactly who we thought they were and allowed Philip "the sun was in my eyes, bro" Rivers to throw a touchdown pass. Thinking moral victories count in the final standings, the Chiefs then allowed the Chargers to recover an onside kick and march down the field for another touchdown to give them the lead at 22-21.

Just for good measure, Tyler Thigpen then drove the team into field goal range for a chance to win the game which they, of course, subsequently missed.

Thanks, Kansas City.

Coupled with the Broncos 30-10 thrashing in Carolina, the playoff berth we had seemingly already wrapped up is a bit more up in the air today.

At 8-6, we are still in the driver's seat in the division, but now hold a two-game lead over San Diego with two to play.

In my gut, however, I know this race is far from over.

Here's the worst case scenario: The Chargers walk into Tampa next week and take down the Buccaneers and the Broncos play with their usual lack of intensity at home against Buffalo and are saddled with a loss.

With a one-game lead over the Chargers going into the season's final week, we would then travel to San Diego in a winner-take-all game that would determine the AFC West Champion.

If you ask me, I don't want to take that chance.

There are many factors playing in our favor in this weekend's games. We are at home, though that's not as much of an advantage anymore, and we're playing a team that forgot the season kept going after September.

The Chargers are going to Tampa, where NFC South teams are a combined 26-2 at home this season after Sunday's bouts.

The Broncos have to view Sunday's tilt with the Bills as a must-win game. The Bills, 1-7 in their last eight games after starting the season 5-1, have been free-falling faster than the temperature in Denver this weekend.

If you ask me, I'll take my chances with a team in disarray at home than with our hated rivals finding their stride on the road.

I hope the Broncos feel the same way.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 15 Part 2

2008-12-12T15:54:00.004-07:00

San Diego @ Kansas City

Want to know something scary? No? Okay, never mind then. Screw it, I'll tell you. (Assumes Tony Kornheiser Extreme Enunciation Mode, or TKEED) TYLER THIGPEN has 14!!! touchdown passes this year in EIGHT starts. TYLER THIGPEN. I mean, nobody even knew who he was at the beginning of the year, Jaws. (Deactivates TKEED) I guess that's really not that impressive when you get to face the Chargers' secondary twice a year.

Winner: An early Christmas present from the Chiefs in Arrowhead

Detroit @ Indianapolis

Those tenacious Lions are running out of time. Only three games left to avoid getting Buccaneered for the season. Indy isn't as formidable as they have been in recent years and Lucas Oil Stadium doesn't have as much piped in crowd noise as the Peyton Dome. Still, the Lions are about as formidable as wet tissue paper--the generic kind.

Winner: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Arizona

Remember that scene in Any Given Sunday when Cameron Diaz walks into the locker room and that guy has his large fireman hanging out? Gross. Congratulations Visanthe Shiancoe. Not only were you able to trick a few team insiders into seeing your dong, you tricked millions of FOX viewers, many of whom were probably children, into seing Visanthe Jr. or Dr. Wang or whatever you like to call it. Your buffoonery and hijinks frightened many children across the country. I call sexual predation upon thee, crule Visanthe.

Winner: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Aaron Smith, one of the Steelers best defensive players, went to the prestigious University of Northern Colorado in lovely Greeley, Colorado. So did Vincent Jackson of the Chargers. And Reed Doughty of the Washington Redskins. When did Northern Colorado become a bed of NFL talent? For those of you who have never been to Greeley or within 20 miles of Greeley on a windy day, it smells like shit. Lots and lots of cow shit. The Greeley area is home to many of the burgers and steaks sitting on plates across the US. These three NFL players must love their NFL lives, to have suffered through 3-5 years of constant cow shit/dead cow smell. That's like prison.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Denver @ Carolina

To quote the late, great poet laureate Freddy Mercury, "And another one bites the dust." I know Mike Shanahan is a cold and heartless man, which is one of the qualities that makes a good coach (see Belichick, Bill), but Shanahan's running back destroying offense is suspect to me. Five backs on the IR? Giving Tatum Bell carries? When will he throw Cutler into the fire? He'll probably start running the option on Sunday and Cutler will tear two acls and a rotary cuff. Sidenote: being a brainless man is not one of the qualities of a good coach (see Turner, Norv).

Winner: Carolina (tear)

New England @ Oakland

Speaking of heartless, I'm surprised Belichick let Cassel go home and grieve for his late father. I guess Belichick is still used to the weekly routine of Tom Brady. Where Brady would stare at himself in the mirror for five to six hours per day, Cassel studies game film. Matt just had to put aside his film room time to make time for his family.

Winner: New England

Football Giants @ Dallas

Two things here:
1. That must have been a tough loss for Eli Manning last week. I wonder how Tom Coughlin consoled Eli afterwards... Maybe a Capri Sun, a Fruit Roll-up, and Eli's favorite movie Water Horse: Legend of the Deep. That would cheer up any small child.

2. This: "Wide receiver Terrell Owens has expressed resentment toward Tony Romo, apparently jealous of the quarterback's relationship with tight end Jason Witten."
OMG!!! Jason Witten and Tony Romo are BFFS!!! Is he gonna be best man when Tony weds Jessica??? ESPN is turning into Friday Night Lights. Did Terrell Owens sleep with Lyla Garrity, while Jason Street was in the hospital, paralyzed? Julie Taylor must be cheating on TO with "the Swede." This is not a sports story. It should not be news. God. Damn. It.

Winner: Football Giants because the Cowboys will be so distracted by the crazy drama! OMG!

Cleveland @ Philadelphia

Andy Reid has about as much personality as a dead tree. As soon as he gets fired in the offseason, I hope some network picks him up. He could just sit on the side eating donuts, while Chris Carter pretends everyone else loves him, forcing Keyshawn and TJ to awkwardly smile. Maybe Ditka could throw him a few shots of whatever hard liquor he drinks during the show. All in all, I think it would be great chemistry.

Winner: Philadelphia

Last Week: 10-6
Overall: 108-69

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em Week 15 Part 1

2008-12-11T14:34:00.009-07:00

The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week*

*Used to be The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week, but I'm changing the name... for the next three weeks.

Nnandi Asomugha on the Raiders as a team:

"We're not close and it's clear we're not close. We don't play good football. We don't even play sound football."

Nice and to the point. That's all the quote you need. Aww.... shucks. I'll give you the rest:

"We were supposed to be playing football right? Coach Cable had us working on our swing at the driving range all week. I'm not sure if we were even in the right place for our game today. Pebble Beach, Qualcomm Stadium--it's all the same to me. What I do know is that whatever sport we were playing out there tonight, it certainly wasn't the right one."
_______________________________________________________________________

The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week*

*Decided to start this up this week (late I know). As the title says, it'll be a random aside about football or something of which football reminds me.

So, the number one draft pick is a pretty valuable commodity, right? How about instead of just giving it to the team with the worst record, they have a playoff for it. You take the worst teams--Bengals, Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Raiders, Seahawks--and have yourself a BCS-style ranking system. Lions would obviously be number 1 and the Bengals would be 2. Then you take the next two worst teams and have 3 play the Bengals and 4 play the Lions--higher ranking gets homefield advantage. While everyone else is watching the actual playoffs, these playoffs--I propose calling it the Matt Millen Bowl and the trophy would be a bronzed statuette of this face--can be shown on the NFL Network. Winner of the Matt Millen Bowl receives number one overall. The loser receives number 2 overall. Then there is a consolation round for 3 and 4. Though the games would be boring as shit, the concept of this, I think, would be highly entertaining. It would also provide excessive embarrassment for the teams and their fans, possibly giving them extra incentive to absolve themselves of their shittiness.
_______________________________________________________________________

New Orleans @ Chicago

I was checking out NFL.com last Thursday evening and their homepage said they had live online coverage of the Thursday night game. My first thought was: "Holy hell, they actually let people watch the NFL Network now?" So I investigated. Turns out the coverage is not the actual game, which I, and probably most other football fans, were curious to see. Instead they had "coverage" of Marshall Faulk discussing the game while it happened. What's that you say, Marshall? LaDainaIaianiNinian Tomlinson scored a touchdown? May I, perhaps, see it? No? I have to listen to you describe it vividly and make it happen in my head TV? This is more torturous than watching a gamecast. Then NFL.com has the gall to have a sideline cam from the game. You must watch some anonymous sideline reporter discuss worthless crap while the game goes on behind him. You have to try and peer around the reporter (thank God FOX got Tony Siragusa) and watch San Diego's goal line stand, while the reporter talks about how Paul McQuistan stubbed his mullet. Damn you, NFL Newtwork.

Winner: I got a hunch on Chicago

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

How is Jeff Garcia still a relatively succesful NFL quarterback? He's approaching AARP mmbership age. He makes Danny Devito look like this guy. Plus, it's almost Christmas time. Shouldn't Santa have recalled all of his elves to the North Pole by now? Toys need to be made.

Winner: Atlanta

Washington @ Cincinnati

What if Jim Zorn and Clinton Portis got in a fight? Who would win? My money would be on Zorn. He would prance around Portis like the little monkey he is until Portis got tired and strained his 30th muscle of the season. By the way, Clinton Portis is the man, but complaining about not being involved in the offense? He has the fourth most rushing attempts in football. He is their offense.

Winner: Washington

Tennessee @ Houston

As it turns out, the Texans actually have a good offense when Sage Rosenfels isn't helicopter fumbling his way down the field. Their defense has some talented players too--Demeco Ryans, Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye if he could play to his talent. Maybe someday they could actually be good... Just not this day, or year.

Winner: Tennessee

Green Bay @ Jacksonville

So Matt Jones gets suspended for a few games for doing cocaine in a car. Pacman Jones almost gets suspended for his career because he was rough-housing with his bodyguard and broke a mirror--nice. Add to that, Fred Taylor was apparently doing some extreme thumbwrestling, and the Jaguars are dropping like flies--I mean dropping like David Garrard passes.

Winner: Green Bay

San Fransisco @ Miami

Who the hell is Shaun Hill and why is de doing so well? His career passer rating is 97.3. See you later, Alex Smith. Have fun in your textile factory, sewing with those little hands of yours.

Winner: Miami

Seattle @ St. Louis

This Sunday... One team was 2-11... At the botton of the barrell... Until they met... Another 2-11 team... In the most realistic, handicam-shakingly briliant horror masterwork of verisimiltude since Cloverfield... Comes this horrible game... Showing on a TV near you.

Winner: I guess Seattle. At this point it really doesn't matter for either team.

Buffalo @ Football Jets

Brett Farve hasn't been playing grittily enough the past few weeks. He's been trying to game manage instead of gunsling. If I were Eric Mangini, I would force the Jets to practice in a foggy, damp grove wearing Wrangler jeans. That's the only way to get your winning mentality back.

Winner: Football Jets

Part 2: Tomorrow

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 14 Part 2

2008-12-05T11:12:00.003-07:00

...And the rest...

Miami @ Buffalo

A few years back, there was a push, as there is now, to move an NFL team to Canada, but the Prime Minister (or some other high government official (can't remember)) had to axe the whole plan. The reasons? It would undermine Canadian culture and take away from the legitimacy of the CFL. Okay, first of all, Canadian "culture" is basically American culture except they are adamant about being different from Americans, for reasons only Canadians seem to believe are actual reasons. Second of all, the CFL being legitimate? Akili Smith played in the CFL. AKILI SMITH. There are a ton of people in Toronto and that would mean a ton of revenue for both the NFL and for the city of Toronto. Nobody cares about Buffalo ever since coal mining went out of fashion, despite Barack's attempts to revive it. It's time to get the Bills to a city that doesn't consist of 20 coal miners who worship Jim Kelly and talk about how they would kick the shit out of Scott Norwood if they ever saw him.

Winner: I like Buffalo here for some reason

Football Jets @ San Fransisco

His lord and savior Brett Favre, who is apparently infallible, went 23/43 for 247 yards with no TDs and an INT against the Broncos "defense." I think we are going to have to change the NFL rules so that that is a good line. Maybe the object of the game is to throw incomplete passes and throw interceptions??? Rex Grossman would be All-Pro. I find the Jets' quarterback transition very intriguing. They went from Chad Pennington who completes a shit load of passes and never gets intercepted, but he usually only gets a 6 to 8 inch gain. Brett the Gunslinger, meanwhile, heaves the ball wildly into triple coverage eighty yards downfield on first down, even if his receivers are all running short routes. Luckily for the Jets, Favre's picks are offset by his rugged good looks and ability to inpsire Thomas Jones to run for touchdowns 5 times a game.

Winner: Football Jets

New England @ Seattle

Where's your Matt Cassell now, media? Oh, he was so much better than Tom Brady. It was just that Steelers defense. His still the dreamiest QB on the Pats payroll. Anytime anybody on the Patriots does well, everyone starts talking about how great their coaching is and how everyone plays for the team. I DON'T CARE. GET OVER IT. Knowing the defense's play calls could make Andrew Walter a Pro Bowler. Also, they play for the team because if they don't, Bill Belichick will rip their heart out of their chest with his bare hand. Belichick could threaten Ryan Leaf into playing for the team.

Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Denver

The Chiefs have won two games this year. Against whom? The Raiders, duh. They also wonned the, for all intents and purposes, playoff-bound Broncos. Somehow, Mike Shanahan's face didn't explode that fateful day. If the Broncos lose again, Shanny's face will explode. He'll look like the aliens from John Carpenter's They Live, except "Rowdy" Roddy Piper won't need special sunglasses to see his disfigured visage. Both teams better bring their snowboots because it's gonna be a cold one. With snow everywhere and temperatures somewhere near that of Pluto's surface, expect a lot of running. It may be so cold that Larry Johnson will be too distracted to assault one of the cheerleaders.

Winner: Broncos

St. Louis @ Arizona

If the Rams keep playing this crappy, how is Chris Long going to get a movie deal like his daddy? I'm sure he simply views acting as a stepping stone to his film career, just like Jason Taylor. So his dad saved people from a forest fire. Chris could save the city of St. Louis from the Rams, metaphorically of course. Perhaps a deadly science experiment could cause rapid procreation in rams, as well as a thirst for human blood. Since there are so many rams in Missouri, it would be a horror/disaster movie of epic proportions. This summer... from the writers and producers of Congo, Outbreak and Terms of Endearment... when a science experiment goes horribly wrong... (violin crescendos and heavy bass drums abound) they got a thirst for human blood... (sudden shot of a ram snorting with bright red eyes) the citizenry of St. Louis was confused and without leadership... one man... had to overcome his fear of horned animals... and lead an entire city to safety... starring Chris Long... and multiple Grammy-winner Celine Dion... Deadly Horns: the Hero Within... based on a true story...

Winner: Arizona

Dallas @ Pittsburgh

In light of the recent mildy offesive sexual colloquialism being uttered publicly, I think Carrie Underwood should get in on the act. Jessica Simpson took her "sloppy seconds" in Tony Romo. The problem is, "sloppy seconds" doesn't really apply to a man. Maybe Jessica took her "recycled rod" or her "used unit." She could even go with something like "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the music industry for girls to fall in love with my 'herpes handler' I don't know what that's about. But enjoy my new single."

Winner: Dallas

Washington @ Baltimore

So, unbeknownst to me, Mark Clayton is still alive. The first round pick, who was an okay receiver this one time back in 2006, scored more fantasy points than any other receiver last week. I guess with the Ravens' sub-standard quarterbacking in recent years, I forgot that the Ravens actually had receivers, or an offense. Quietly, Joe Flacco and his unibrow of death (there's a movie idea for you, Hollywood), has a 108.3 passer rating over the last two weeks. Well, maybe facing the Bengals shouldn't count. Still, Flacco is certainly not losing games for the Ravens. What in the name of Harry Dean Stanton is going on here? Matt Ryan and Flacco playing well. I confuse.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Well, Jon Gruden has been wining and dining Jeff Garcia now for seven straight weeks. Aren't they basically dating now? I mean, their relationship must be hard, what with Gruden sleeping at the office and never going to Garcia's for a cuddle or two. Still, they work together so they get to see plenty of each other. Garcia must be a demon in the sack, for a manly man like Gruden to keep him around. With Garcia at 38, they should considered getting married and adopting a kid before they get too old. (Jeff Garcia's real wife, Carmella Decesare is TWELVE years younger than he is. And she has to look at the ginger naked. That poor woman)

Winner: Carolina has one of their good weeks

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 98-63

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 14 Part 1

2008-12-04T15:31:00.003-07:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

The New York Post on Plaxico Burress' attempted goldbrickings on the night of his "shooting:"

"Getting special treatment at New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant."

Good work, Plaxico, on coming up with a better, or at least more realistic, name than Ron Mexico. Now, about the Applebees part... I'm sure many upstanding citizens have been shot at Applebees. I tried to get the 2 for 20$ deal with Nachos Nuevos as my appetizer, but the waitress said I could only get Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Crunchy Onion Rings, Boneless Buffalo Wings, or Mozzarella Sticks. She then shot me in the foot and I was forced to give her a 5% tip. But, I digress. My point is: What about the 100-200 people in the world who haven't been shot in Applebees? Plaxico, you are in the city of New York, no less. Millions of people are shot there a day. I think as sooon as you walk off the plane at LaGuardia they have some smiling, congenial woman shoot you. It's like the leis in Hawaii--it lets you experience part of the city's culture right off the plane. So why, of all places, did you choose Applebees, Plaxico? You could have been mugged... You could have been... I don't know, anything but getting shot at Applebees. You could have at least gone with Olive Garden and its dangerous mob ties.
__________________________________________________________________

Oakland @ San Diego

For all of you who are worried about the economy, I have some good news. Norv Turner has a seven figure salary. What I'm saying is: you don't have to be intelligent or qualified to get a high-paying job in America. I guess all you have to do is have heavy acne-scarring and frequently use your hand to fix your pretty mop-top. Want to see an impression of me whenever I see Philip "I know it's nighttime but the sun is still in my eyes, bro" Rivers? Norv Turner--the next Frank Caliendo.

Winner: Oakland--that's right

Jacksonville @ Chicago

Last week, the Bears got straight Frerotted, while Jaguars got Rosenfelled. Thems is tough pills to swallow. These are supposed to be great defenses. I know the Bears have been without cornerbacks for most of the year and the Jaguars thought it was a funny joke on the city of Jacksonville to get rid of Marcus Stroud. Still, shouldn't they be at least functional? If the Bears lose this one, Obama's firts presidential action might be decreeing the Bears terrorists against the city of Chicago.

Winner: Chicago

Minnesota @ Detroit

The Lions finally won their first game against the Vikings in 2001, to go to an admirable 1-12. Can they repeat? Uhhh... no. The Lions are in complete dissaray. They are at the point in the game where Malter Matthau told the biker kid to catch all of the balls hit in the outfield, causing resentment from his players. The Lions need Brad Childress to beat his son in front of everyone. Seriously, a Brad Childress child-beating is about all that can inspire the Lions at this point.

Winner: Minnesota

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

That was a courageous effort against the Browns last week. The only way a touchdown would happen in that game was on a fumble recovery? 10-6? That's like a Notre Dame-Tennessee game except no funny fat people with miltary haircuts and belts 20 sizes too small or strange Kiffin family love fests.

Winner: Indianapolis

Philadelphia @ Football Giants

I bet Tom Coughlin was just red-faced about Plaxico's alleged Applebees shooting. As we all know from last year's playoffs, when those cheeks glow crimson, you look out because Coughlin is hitting the gas of his coaching engine. Also, why couldn't Plaxico's shot have missed his leg and het Jeremy Shockey instead? Yes, a bullet carrying from New York to New Orleans is implausible, but don't tell me you wouldn't want that. If that happened, I'd probably be at church on Sundays innstead of watching football.

Winner: Football Giants

Cleveland @ Tennesee

Oh, so the Titans are good again are they? Remember the 10-0 Titans? Denzel Washington was there. Just because they lost to the Jets doesn't make them bad. Then again, beating the Lions doesn't make you good. Still, when you have singer-songwriter Kerry Collins inspiring his team in the huddle with a fourth quarter country song, you're hard to beat. Also, who the fuck is Ken Dorsey? Too bad for Romeo Crennel.

Winner: Tennessee

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Matt Ryan for MVP! Matt Ryan for MVP! Okay, I get it. He's having a Marino-like rookie year. Still, there are about 20 better candidates. Plus, Michael Turner does most of the work for him anyway. Drew Brees, possibly the best MVP candidate, doesn't get as much love as Ryan. Brees could run a pass-only offense as be succesful, possibly moreso. At some point, the MVP award should be about the most valuable player, not the chic or "sexy" pick, as Howie Long calls it. Talk about sexy! Have you sen Firestorm? Howie Long is the male version of Julliette Lewis.

Winner: New Orleans

Houston @ Green Bay

Oh, poor Ahman Green. Why couldn't he have gotten his season-ending injury at Lambeau? It would have been a fitting return. Packers fans could recount the thousands of times Green limped or was carted off that hallowed field.

Winner: Green Bay

Tomorrow... the rest.

Mel Gibson and the Denver Broncos: Road Warriors

2008-12-01T23:14:00.002-07:00

Decked out in protective equipment and leading his band of warriors into an alien environment, the leader of our pack faced down a formidable foe and vanquished him into the good night.

No, I'm not talking about Mad Max or even the real life Mel Gibson. I'm talking about Broncos' quarterback Jay Cutler, captaining his band of merry men into the Meadowlands of New York and returning home with an impressive victory and a stranglehold on the AFC West Division title.

Nobody picked the Broncos to have a chance in this game. To hear the talking heads at ESPN tell it, the Broncos would have been better off taking in the beautiful snow here in Denver this weekend rather than facing the first place New York Jets.

But that, as they say, is why they play the game.

In the same way that the Oakland Raiders shocked the Broncos Country faithful with their 31-10 shellacking of Denver last Sunday at Invesco, the Broncos returned the favor to the Jets in a windswept day in front of their hostile home crowd.

All the talk leading up to this contest was the matchup of quarterback gunslingers: the old maid Brett Favre and the young rapscallion Jay Cutler.

Showing no ill effects from the rainy conditions, Cutler upstaged his aging counterpart by throwing for 357 yards and two touchdowns while Favre could only muster 247 yards through the air while amassing zero touchdowns and one interception.

The much maligned Broncos defense forced the balanced Jets' attack into three turnovers on downs, the aforementioned interception, and three fumbles, one of which Broncos safety Vernon Fox returned 45 yards for a first quarter touchdown.

The real story of this game, and of the 2008 season, has been the Broncos' utter ineptitude at home and their collective poise and performance on the road.

The Broncos now stand at 4-2 on the road coming off comeback wins against Cleveland and Atlanta and this commanding victory against the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.

Road warriors, perhaps, but New York fans should be very familiar with inconsistent teams who get hot at the right time due to their ability to perform at a high level in front of belligerent opposing fans.

The 2007 New York Giants were muddling around in mediocrity for much of their Super Bowl season. After ripping off six straight wins, they lost two of three to drop their record to 7-4.

Then, after notching three straight road wins and snatching a Wild Card spot with a 10-6 record, the Giants went on the road for three playoff wins against the Buccaneers, Cowboys, and Packers before knocking off the perfect Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Now, this is not a Super Bowl guarantee for the Broncos, far from it, but teams that find ways to beat good teams on the road are able to gain the confidence needed to continue their streak of solid play into January.

With a three-game lead on the San Diego Chargers with four games left in 2008, the Broncos seem headed to the playoffs for the first time since 2005.

The four remaining games include two home bouts with the 2-10 Chiefs and the free-falling Bills and two roadies against 9-3 Carolina and the hated rival Chargers to end the season.

Though it would take a mini-miracle for the Broncos to not make the playoffs, there is no time to get cocky, not with the way these Broncos have built us up one week only to break us down the next.

If they take care of Kansas City at home next week, like they should, they could make the end of the season drama with San Diego a moot point.

But the last two weeks have proven that on any given Sunday, anything can happen

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 13 Part 2

2008-11-29T16:14:00.003-07:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jerricho Cotchery on how Brett Favre has inspired the Jets to becoming a decent team:
"He is the notorious butt-slapper. You have to watch out for him because you may be stretching out or something, and he just comes out of nowhere."

Look. It's totally Favre's fun personality. It's definitely not Thomas Jones' career year. Or the seasoning of Darrelle Revis and David Harris. Or the additions of Calvin Pace, Kris Jenkins, Alan Faneca, and rookie Dwight Lowery. Definitely Brett Favre's jaunty personality.
_____________________________________________________________________
...And the rest...

San Fransisco @ Buffalo

I give thanks for Trent Edwards actually being entertaining and engaging in interviews, unlike 97% of all athletes, especially golfers. I give thanks for Mike Singletary's belt (possibly his suspenders). I give thanks for Beast Mode all up in your d-line's grill.

Winner: Buffalo

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

I give thanks for the hit Adam Sandler vehicle about prison football, The Longest Yard, on which I believe this game was based. I give thanks to plea bargains and knife-murders-at-large. I give thanks for teams named after Edgar Allen Poe poems. I wish Keats was from Cincinnati. Then they could be the Cincinnati Belle Dame sans Merci. That's pretty hardcore, right?

Winner: Baltimore

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

I give thanks for Drew Brees not playing for the Chargers anymore. I give thanks for the Barry Sanders Jr. (Reggie Bush) being a terrible running back (though he is a good receiver). I give thanks for creole food. This has nothing to do with football, but I had a really good honeyed biscuit and some cajun home fries this morning for brakfast. They were really good... Much better than the Saints, who are so 2006 anyway. I would give thanks for the Buccaneers in one way or another, but they are really bland and I couldn't care less about them.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Football Giants @ Washington

I give thanks for huge divisional games like this. I give anti-thanks to the Giants for letting Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan retire. I should not have to listen to them on television. I would gladly give thanks to anyone who could fire them. I give thanks for Eli Manning's hair. I give thanks for all 6 feet and 2 inches of firecracker that make up Jim Zorn.

Winner: Washington. Why Not?

Miami @ St. Louis

I give thanks for Chad Pennington's 93.4 passer rating. I give thanks for the Dolphins' incredible yards after the catch ability that could give Pennington a 8.0 yards per attempt average, especially considering Pennington has never thrown a pass longer than maybe six yards in his whole life. I give thanks for St. Louis continuing to go out there and play each gam for no reason, and to no avail.

Winner: Miami

Indianapolis @ Cleveland

I give thanks for Peyton Manning's forehead. I give thanks for Romeo Crennel's stunning physique. I give thanks for Brady Quinn's poor play and season-ending injury. I really give thanks for that.

Winner: Indianapolis

Carolina @ Green Bay

I give thanks for snowy games at Lambeau. I give thanks for Jake Delhomme throwing four interceptions and still beating the Raiders. I give thanks for Jordan Gross' surname.

Winner: Green Bay

Atlanta @ San Diego

I give thanks for Eli Manning and Roethlisberger getting rings before Philip Rivers. I give thanks to any person who has ever sacked Philip Rivers in their NFL career. I give thanks to anyone who has ever sacked Philip Rivers in their college career. I pretty much give thanks to anyone who has ever treated Philip Rivers poorly in any way--that guy sucks a lot.

Winner: Atlanta (please)

Denver @ Football Jets

I give thanks for Peyton Hillis and Spencer Larsen. I give thanks for Brett Favre's beard. I give thanks for Vinny Testeverde (he's gotta be out there somewhere keeping it real). I give thanks for Deanna Favre's jealousy over all the ass-slappings Brett's teammate's get, while she sits at home alone waxing poetic. Seriously does shit just happen to the Favre family so that they can overcome it courageously, making everyone (especially Tony Kornheiser) adore them even more?

Winner: Unfortuantely the Football Jets

Pittsburgh @ New England

It's hard to give thanks when Matt Cassell comes in and plays as well as he has, but I'll try. I give thanks for the Steelers offensive line. I give thanks for Randy Moss playing like he's back in a Raiders uniform. I give thanks for whoever discovered the Patriots cheating. I give thanks for tarnished "dynasties."

Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Oakland

Sigh. I give thanks to Al Davis' senility. I give thanks to Raiders fans proudly embarrassing themselves every home game. I give thanks to the lady that reported Larry Johnson's salivary projections. I give thanks to Deangelo Hall.

Winner: Kansas City

Chicago @ Minnesota

I give thanks for Rex Grossman. I give thanks for Gus Frerotte. I give thanks for contstant interceptions and fumbles. I give thanks for the Vikings failed expectations. I give thanks to the Booty and Birk families for keeping their proud names alive.

Winner: Minnesota

Jacksonville @ Houston

I give thanks for Steve Slaton being on the waiver wire. I give thanks for Ahman Green's season ending injury (sorry Ahman). I give thanks to Ron Jaworski for keeping MNF football somewhat watchable. I give thanks for a weak thanksgiving premise strung out far longer than it ever should have been.

Winner: Houston

Last Week: 9-6
Earlier This Week: 3-0
Overall: 91-57

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 13 Part 1

2008-11-26T16:39:00.005-07:00

Since there are three Thanksgiving games tomorrow, I figured I should get my picks in beforehand (unlike last week). Since I am pressed for time at the moment, I am only going to do the three Thanksgiving games today and finish the rest, in the normal format, by Sunday. As is apropos, the picks will be Thanksgiving themed.

Tennessee @ Detroit

I am thankful for Tennessee playing in this game, because otherwise it would be unwatchable. With the Titans, it deserves at least a quick cursory glance, but that's about it. I am thankful for Kerry Collins' gamesmanship, and how everyone forgot that he is a racist alcoholic. I am thankful for Calvin Johnson and Daunte Culpepper because they are the only players on the team that anyone knows. They will save Collinsworth and Gumbel, or whoever else is doing this, from excessive dead air time. I am also thankful for CBS broadcasting on channel which people can watch. I would be more thankful, though, if there was a competitive game being played.

Winner: Tennessee

Seattle @ Dallas

I am thankful for homeless people and elderly couples with flat tires, because otherwise there would be no way for Tony Romo to show off how charitable he is. I am thankful for Jerry Jones' plastic face. I am thankful for teary-eyed press conferences where prima donnas repeat obvious things like "that's my quarterback." I am thankful for Homecoming Weekend in Dallas. The Jones family will surely have a wonderful time. I am thankful for multiple felons who are named after video game characters being allowed to play football after having spent more time in court, therapy and rehab than at practice. I am thankful for FOX broadcasting this game on a channel which people can actually watch.

Winner: Dallas

Arizona @ Philadelphia

I am thankful for desperate teams--from the coaches and front office down to the players. I am thankful for an 85-year old quarterback leading the NFL in passer rating and tied for first in prayers. I am thankful for Anquan Boldin's new face. I am thankful for Philadelphia's under-performance with and exceptionally talent roster, especially after they were a preseason Super Bowl pick by many. I am thankful for press conferences in which long-time NFL quarterbacks admit they don't know basic rules, but make up for it by using "which" every other sentence so that they sound slightly more intelligent. I am thankful for a sport forcing its players to play on a national, family-oriented holiday. I am thankful for the patriotism of Thanksgiving football. Nothing says America more than avoiding actually talking to your family on a family holiday, so that you can watch a brutally violent sport on television. "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..." I am not, however, thankful for the goddamn NFL Network and it's horrible policies regarding service providers.

Winner: Philadelphia (riding the despration train)

I'll BRB with the rest in the next few games. LOL! BTW LMAO!

20 Things I Enjoy More Than Watching the Broncos Right Now

2008-11-24T21:25:00.003-07:00

I'm not going to dignify the Broncos' Week 12 effort with a detailed, analytical response.

Therefore, here are a list of things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose in a frustratingly embarrassing manner:

Creed
High School Musical
Watching Roseanne sing the National Anthem
Brett Favre

Shotgunning Natty Light
The New York Yankees
Passing a kidney stone
Sitting through a Wagnerian opera
Reading a Jane Austen novel
Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey
MTV
Vomiting
Standing in line at the DMV
Getting kicked in the groin
Watching The Vagina Monologues with Andrew Dice Clay
Getting stuck in rush-hour traffic
Hunting with Dick Cheney
Drinking the water in Mexico
Frank TV commercials
An evening with Pacman Jones

Those are just a few of the things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose the way they did yesterday.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 12

2008-11-22T14:02:00.012-07:00

Whoopsies, little late. Well, I'm in this thing they call "school" and it is quiet time consuming, as well as tedious after 17+ years. So, my sincerest apologies to my one fan (whoever you are, thanks for the support).

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote(s) of the Week

This one will be a little series of awesomeness...

Troy Williamson on his beloved former coach, Brad Childress:

"If y'all can give this to coach Childress, we can meet on the 50-yard line. We can go at it. I'd even tie my hands around my back."

Very kinky, Troy.

Brad Childress on Williamson's proposal:

"I’m not like woman I’ll give you my weight. It’s 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite."

Even kinkier.

Jared Allen on this "fight:"

"He’s got a badass mustache. I put my money on whoever has a kickass mustache."

Kickass, bro. Though, I wouldn't call his mustache kickass. It's more like a come hang out in the back of my rusty van mustache. The real issue, though, is that Jared Allen is gambling. Pete Rose would be ashamed of Mr. Allen. Tisk. Tisk.

____________________________________________________________________

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Kinda late here, but why not? So, Roethlisberger has bodyguards that follow him around at all times. I guess he’s famous and doesn’t want to get injured by any haters. But my main question is: Where were these bodyguards on his fateful motorcycle ride. Shouldn’t at least one of them, as guards of his body, said something like, “Hey Ben, maybe you shouldn’t be riding a motorcycle at 80 mph without a helmet. That might, ya know, be worse than some member of the Dawg Pound challenging you to a fist fight. Maybe it’s just me.” Large Ben also has his own BBQ sauce, with the imaginative name Big Ben's BBQ. To that I say, Ultimate cage match 2008! Ed McCaffrey’s Horseradish Sauce vs. Big Ben’s BBQ Sauce. Ultimate showdown! There can be only one Highlander!

Winner: Eddie Mac's radish from horses sauce. That shit is good on Eddie Mac and Cheese. Why couldn't Rod Smith's name have been Rod Cheddar or Rod Limburger? Mac and Cheese would have been a dynamic nickname for a dynamic duo. (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)

Philadelphia @ Baltimore

Since actor/Eagles fan/songwriter/puzzle piece Ryan Phillipe picked the Eagles, I should probably pick them. He's the star of Gosford Park and Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare! But I'm not sold on them. Though the Giants went medieval on their buttocks last week, I still think the Ravens are a decent team. I seriously hope I'm wrong, though. Ryan Phillipe needs 8 wins to tie Gavin Rossdale of the hit band Bush!

Winner: Baltimore

Houston @ Cleveland

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you another short section from the screenplay for my upcoming film Shit Show...

Phil Savage arrives home after a long hard day of Brady Quinn calling him a fag. His wife has just finished dinner and the family sits down together for the meal.
Mrs. Savage: Honey, how was your day?
Phillip: Go root for Buffalo-Fuck you
Mrs. Savage: That's good, hun. Guess what! I took the kids to the zoo today to see the giraffes and the buffaloes.
Philly: Go marry a buffalo-Fuck you
Mrs. Savage: I know. It was a lot of fun.
Little Billy Savage: Papa, I got an A on my social studies test!
Philly Baby: Go have your test pay the bills-Fuck you

It continues as such for a while. I think it's pretty good. I especially like the bills/Bills wordplay there at the end of the excerpt. I would post the whole screenplay, but I'm under contractual obligations to Dreamworks Pictures to keep it on the hush hush.

Winner: Cleveland because of Sage Rosenfels and his sissy name.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit

Oh, Lions fans. I'm amazed that there are any of you out there, but you just keep sticking around. You're like John Travolta--there's absolutely no reason for you to still exist and yet, you do! You just won't go away. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you go 0-16. Then you can join the hallowed likes of the 1976 Buccaneers, whom you, rather ironically, play this Sunday. Jon Gruden works too hard to lose to you. He's diagramming plays while he bangs his wife. He is watching game film at his daughter's soccer game. Actually, Jon Gruden is too manly to have a soccer-playing daughter. She's probably an aspiring MMA fighter.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ Kansas City

Oh, Tyler Thigpen, you complete me (and my fantasy team). You went from being one of the worst quarterbacks ever to being one of the best performers in recent weeks. And Herm Edwards, he of having few coaching attributes besides playing to win the game, is your coach. You must be audibling at the line of scrimmage for every play. There's no way you could throw a touchdown on a Herm Edwards-called play. That is impossible. Also, Tyler, while I'm speaking to you, will you please spit in Larry Johnson's face in the huddle? That would be so satisfying.

Winner: Buffalo. My main man Trent Edwards will get back on track.

Chicago @ St. Louis

While we're talking about fantasy football, the Rams, like the Lions, are a frickin' goldmine. They're like buying an IPO of Microsoft. Or like being good bros with company insiders like Mark Cuban. Basically any player that you start against the Lions or Rams is guaranteed twenty points. Watch out now! Garret Wolfe might put up 30!

Winner: Chicago

Football Jets @ Tennesee

This game is TITANIC. Woo! Touchdown me. Anyways, this is a very significant game in terms of the playoff photograph. One if these teams is likely to get the first seed in the AFC. Kerry Collins could ride that home field advantage all the way to the Super Bowl and endorsements deals, while Brett Farve gunslings his way to the AFC championship on the road. Maybe Kerry Collins would start getting in commercials. Is he comfortable in wranglers? Does he wear faded #5 t-shirts when he's not being music city (un)miraculous for the Titans on Sunday? He'd at least be good for Country Music Television promos. It's not hard to be happy when I'm looking at you too, Kerry.

Winner: Football Jets

New England @ Miami

I guess people are warming up to Matt Cassell. People are even discussing if they should trade Tom Brady. Peter King talked about it in his weekly love poem to Brett Favre, I mean column. Does Matt Cassell wear Stetson Cologne? Are there any single supermodels for him to date? Does Matty have any children out of wedlock? These are the real questions you must ask when evaluating a quarterback.

Winner: Wildcat!

Minnesota @ Jacksonville

I have to continue with the Williamson-Childress soap opera. I really want to see them fight. If Williamson wins, he should be allowed to kill Childress' grandmother and take away Childress' paycheck for his bereavement week. If Childress wins, he has to fight Jack Del Rio. I'm curious to see if Childress' 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite are a match for Del Rio's 250 pounds of leather jacket-wearing former linebacker. Man, that would be hilarious to watch.

Winner: Jacksonville

San Fransisco @ Dallas

If you haven't heard, Marion Barber is like a closer in baseball. Al Michaels explained it to me for about 20 minutes last Sunday evening. He compared Barber to Brad Lidge. So what does that make the rest of the team? I guess Tony Romo has to be Cole Hamels. It goes without saying that Wade Phillips is Charlie Manuel. They are both jolly, old fat men--the Santa Claus's of their respective sports. I guess Jason Witten is Chase Fuckin' Utley, with less fuckin' profanity (lift your proud fists to the sky, Jayson Werth, to the glory of the word "fuckin'"). Jay Ratliff is Ryan Howard I guess, since they're both overweight and black. But who is Terrell Owens? I can't think of any whiny bitches on the Phillies. Oh well.

Winner: Dallas

Oakland @ Denver

Everyone is all aflutter about Spencer Larsen playing offense and defense (as well as special teams). With 95% of the Broncos starters injured, they might think of some other players who could play both sides. Ryan Clady should be getting snaps at defensive tackle, since nobody else on the Broncos can play that position. Jay Cutler played safety in high school, and the situation there is about the same as defensive tackle. Jamie Winborn could try out some wideout. Last Sunday showed that he can't catch balls thrown directly at him. He would fit right in with the Broncos receiving core, who happen to lead the NFL in dropped passes. He definitely has the personality of a wideout with his desire to celebrate after anything happens ever. Tackling for an 8 yard gain? Yell and pump your fists. 70 yard reception nowhere near Winborn? The sack dance. Touchdown for which Winborn was directly responsible? Bring out the props, because this is worth the penalty.

Winner: Denver

Carolina @ Atlanta

Matt Ryan has been Marino-esque in his rookie year, but he had a 71.5 passer rating against the Broncos defense. That's embarassing. Damon Huard did better than that. Bode well for Matt Ryan, that does not. Now Ryan faces the somehow 8-2 Panthers with their fifth ranked pass defense. Momentum is not on Atlanta's side. Add to that, their former quarterback and puppy cuddler, Michael Vick, plans to play in the NFL when he is released next summer. He might be able to play running back for the Bengals.

Winner: Carolina

Football Giants @ Arizona

Kurt Warner and his lord and savior Jesus Christ are leading the NFL in passer rating, by a lot. He is also a free agent at the end of the season and has told Mrs. Warner that he's strongly considering retiring, probably to enter priesthood. Remember Matt Leinart? The guy who couldn't pass the ball with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin as his wide receivers? Well, he's still alive and he's got a future WNBA-playing daughter to support. He could very well be the Cardinals starting QB next year. The Cardinals better win the Super Bowl this year. Leinart might win one game for them for the remainder of his career. How Leinart and Vince Young were picked ahead of Jay Cutler amazes me every Sunday.

Winner: Football Giants. Sorry, not sold on the run-less Cardinals.

* This thing is getting way too long without the bye weeks. I'm going to keep the next few short and sweet, just in case anybody has made it this far.

Washington @ Seattle

Mike Holmgren is fat and has a mustache.

Winner: Washington

Indianapolis @ San Diego

Philip Rivers is an asshole and I hope he dies by plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle. Peyton Manning probably knows that you can't tie in a commercial.

Winner: Indianapolis

Green Bay @ New Orleans

Drew Brees has a leech on his face. Remember when Brett Favre used to be on the Packers and hadn't completely destroyed his reputation? Those were the days.

Winner: Green Bay

Last Week: 9-7 (counted the tie as a loss for me)
Overall: 79-51

Denver Broncos: Beware the Trap Game

2008-11-19T12:28:00.002-07:00

Let's reminisce, shall we? The date? September 28, 2008. The place? Arrowhead Stadium. The situation? The 3-0 Denver Broncos saunter into Kansas City to face the 0-3 Chiefs.

The Broncos, coming off three heart-stopping victories thanks to their high-octane offense, were supposed to waltz into KC and wipe the floor with a team that hadn't won a football game since October 21, 2007.

Funny thing happened on the way to that victory though.

Nobody told the Chiefs.

In a sloppy game that included a fumble each from Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal, and two interceptions by Cutler, the Chiefs gained 213 yards on the ground and trampled the Broncos 33-19.

Fast forward to today.

B/R Ticket Guide
Denver Broncos @ New York Jets
on Sun, Nov 30 at 1:00PM
Tickets from
$38

Coming off two comeback wins against the Browns and Falcons, the Broncos have played with a rejuvenated confidence epitomized by Jay Cutler taking control in the fourth quarter of each game to lead his team down the field and onto victory.

At 6-4 and with a two game lead in the AFC West, the Broncos are in the driver's seat and on the fast track to a playoff spot as they welcome the lowly Raiders into Invesco Field at Mile High on Sunday.

The Broncos, however, need to beware.

Yes, the Raiders haven't scored an offensive touchdown in the last three weeks, and yes, they've only tallied nine offensive touchdowns all season. They're 2-8, disjointed on defense, anemic on offense, and their best player is kick returner Johnnie Lee Higgins.

But that doesn't mean the Broncos will win by simply showing up.

Their win against the Falcons was arguably their most solid victory of the season. The offense's four drives in the second half went touchdown, field goal, touchdown, victory formation, and their porous run defense held the Falcons high-powered rushing attack to just 113 yards.

They need to build off the momentum created by that success against a tough Falcons squad, and not simply look ahead to their November 30 tilt against the New York Jets in the Big Apple.

If they take the Raiders for granted, it could be deja vu all over again.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 11

2008-11-13T10:52:00.002-07:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Let's go with something apropos.

Dan O'Dowd on Greg Smith:

"He really knows how to carve people up."

Is that such a good thing? Come on, it's almost thanksgiving. For the record, if I see Greg Smith carving people up, I will call the police.

_____________________________________________________________________

New York Jets @ New England

So the Patriots are 6-3 without Tom Brady and the Jets are 6-3 with Brett Favre. I'm confused. Football is on Thursday night before Thanksgiving. Confused again. The NFL made it's own network with exclusive rights to highly watchable games such as this. Okay, that makes perfect sense. Four people in the entire world can watch the NFL Network, and that includes the people who work on the show. Now I'm confused again.

Winner: New England

Denver @ Atlanta

Remember Tatum Bell? He had a 99 purse stealing attribute in Madden. He also had a -99 in carrying. For some reason Mike Shanahan chose Tatum because he knew the offense, because "has played well when he has played here," and "he was the only one left." Was Mike Bell shipwrecked in the Bermuda Triangle or something? He had eight touchdowns in 2006. He did well before the coaching staff decided he no longer deserved to play in 2007. Let's not forget, Tatum Bell redefined the phrase "fumble prone" in 2006. I don't get it. Just like I don't get how Mike Smith can coach up his crappy defense so well. Cutler better throw well.

Winner: Atlanta (Last week I picked against the Broncos and they won. Fingers crossed.)

Detroit @ Carolina

I bet those crazy coaches are going to start Drew Stanton now. He's had a year and nine games to learn the offense. But Daunte Culpepper is Daunte Culpepper! He can scramble and throw exceptionally well! Oh wait, it's not 2004. Culpepper had a couple days to learn this "offense" and he blows without Randy Moss. I wonder how many wins Jon Kitna declared the Lions would have this year. P.S. Never come out of retirement to quarterback the Lions; it's just common sense.

Winner: Carolina

Philadelphia @ Cincinnati

Ryan Fitzpatrick cajoled his Ivy League education into a victory against the Jaguars before their bye week, while a group of barely educated convicts supported him on offense and defense. Congratulations, Bengals, you are no longer as embarrassing as the Lions. You've won one whole game! Amazing! I'd kind of like to know, though, one single coaching skill Marvin Lewis in which Marvin Lewis excels. He's supposed to be a defensive guru, but his defenses have always been devastatingly bad. He can't motivate. If he dropped his pants, his players would probably steal his wallet. He can't player evaluate, since most of his team has been arrested. He can't really do anything.

Winner: Philadelphia

New Orleans @ Kansas City

Want to know something disturbing? Tyler Thigpen has a 104.6 passer rating over the last three games and that includes a game against the good Buccaneers defense and a the respectable Jets defense. He's fast, has a strong arm and, from what I've seen lately, is quite accurate. I guess he has a quick learning curve, because in weeks 2-3 he made J.T. O'Sullivan look like a Hall of Famer.

Winner: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Football Giants

Some people have been calling the 08 Giants one of the best teams of all time. Uh... no. They're very good, but definitely not the best. If Eli Manning is your quarterback, you are not among the best teams of all time. Eli and Earth, Wind & Fire will have a lot to show against the Ravens stout D this week. On the other side, the Ravens 3-man, fantasy-murdering rushing attack will have to man-up against Fred Robbins and Co. Something intriguing: the Ravens offensive line averages 24.4 years of age. Quite astonishing, actually, for the team with the third most rushing yards in the NFL.

Winner: Football Giants

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay

That was a big win against the Packers last week. Who would have thought Mason "Mr. Charisma" Crosby would have missed that field goal with his exceptional leg? And who would have thought a man of that size could do karate? This week, Brad "I'm just going around the neighborhood letting everyone know that I'm a convicted sex offender" Childress faces off against Jon "I work so hard I haven't seen my kids in 10 years" Gruden. The Bucs hope Cadillac Williams will rejuvenate their rushing attack and, basically horrible offense in general. Maybe he would once upon a 2005.

Winner: Minnesota

Oakland @ Miami

Last year, if this game happened, the NFL would have committed suicide. Luckily for everyone involved, the Dolphins are actually decent, though their fancy, new-fangled single wing offense is sputtering. What is this? The Great Depression? The Oakland Raiders, meanwhile, are scoring 12.6 points per game and are virtually unwatchable. Just score a touchdown, baby!

Winner: Miami

Chicago @ Green Bay

I bet Brett Favre called Rex Grossman to tell him about what kind of offense he ran while he was in Green Bay. Here are my guesses for the main points:
1. Gunsling
2. Throw as hard as you can
3. Heave the ball wildly at any player you see
I think Grossman had number three on lock. We'll see how he adapts to one and two.

Winner: If Grossman plays, Green Bay. If Orton plays, Chicago.

Houston @ Indianapolis

Matt Schaub is still out with a knee injury, so it's Sage Rosenfels. Of course every game he's played in, they've lost. His name is Sage. An offense needs a QB with a name they can get behind. Hunter or Shooter or Maximus or Brett Favre. Even Bearded McGunslinger.

Winner: Indianapolis

St. Louis @ San Fransisco

I know this game must occur twice, but seriously. Can't they just split the series and not subject anyone to this shit show? The 49ers gave it a hell of a go there at the end against the Cardinals, but their clock management was embarrassing. Also, what's the deal with the touching/falling over/tackle rule? Frank Gore clearly was unaffected by the d-lineman who touched him. He fell over by himself. That should have been a touchdown. If the rule book needs to be changed for that to be a TD, change it.

Winner: San Fransisco

Arizona @ Seattle

Matt Hasselbeck is finally back. He doesn't really have much for which to return. Julius Jones has been running the ball decently, but his wide receivers are weak. Maybe that's why he has been bald his whole life. I don't think the Seahawks have had consistently good wide receivers since Hasselbeck arrived there. He should ask for a 12th man on offense.

Winner: Arizona

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

Tennessee is still unbeaten. Somehow. Some people are calling Kerry Collins the MVP--Tom Jackson, Woody Paige. He has a 78.8 passer rating. He's thrown 5 touchdowns. Simply because he is the quarterback for an undefeated team does no make him the MVP. He isn't even the MVP of his own team. Chris Johnson, Albert Haynesworth, and pretty much any member of their very good offensive and defensive lines--all these players are more valuable than Kerry Collins to his own team. Yes, he doesn't throw ten interceptions per game and cry when he is booed like Vince Young. Being better than Vince Young doesn't make you MVP, it makes you 97% of the NFL.

Winner: Jacksonville

San Diego @ Pittsburgh

I think Shawne Merriman gave Philip "the sun is in my eyes, bro" Rivers some steroids for his body and brain. There's no way he is this good. Not even close. Just look at his face; he's an idiot... and an a-hole. He also can't throw the ball more than ten yards. Something nefarious is going on with this jerk.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Dallas @ Washington

I guess Jessica Simpson kissed Tony Romo's pinky and made it better. Now he's back and so is the Dallas offense. Unfortunately, Romo's return is poorly timed for the Redskins, as Clinton Portis is unlikely for the game. Probably no Hip Hip Hoorays for Jim Zorn. Daniel Snyder will murder you if you fail.

Winner: Dallas

Cleveland @ Buffalo

So the Browns are mad at Kellen Winslow for telling the press he had a staph infection. Okay, they wanted to keep it in the locker room. That's understandable. But... EVERYONE SAID THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIS BALLS. Is it not understandable for him to let everyone know that he doesn't have syphilis or something? Calm down there, Browns.

Winner: Buffalo

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 70-44

Big Trade for Big Daddy

2008-11-11T14:27:00.007-07:00

Wow, I'm like the Bill Paxton of Windows Paint.

As you, me and most indigenous tribes deep in the Amazon who have never spoken to the outside world have heard, Matt Holliday has been traded to the Oakland Athletics for Carlos Gonzalez, Greg Smith and Huston Street.

Allow me to preface this by saying that the Rockies are my #1 favorite baseball team. But... the A's are my #1a. I love them nearly as dearly as my beloved Rockies. So, I have watched, rooted for and read about all four players very extensively. Luckily for me, I can't lose here. For both teams, and their fans, there is plenty to lose. So, I will look at this trade as objectively as I can for both teams, player by player.

Matt Holliday

He's the face of the franchise and has been the team MVP for two years running (at least by my count). Losing him is not an easy thing for the Rockies. That being said, he was on his way to free agency and a contract that would exceed the GDP of every country in the European Union combined. Now, I think people realize the 2007 Disney movie that was the Rockies team is over and the credits are through rolling. It isn't financially viable for the Rockies to buy Scott Boras a new beach-front house with a Holliday contract. That's why the Holliday firesale occured and O'Dowd picked the highest bidder, which turned out to be the A's. What the A's get is an established right-handed bat in a heavily left-handed lineup. He has one year with the A's in 2009 and then heads into free agency. The A's aren't dumb enough to pay one corner outfielder $25 mil a year well into his mid-thirties, no matter how good he is. Billy Beane is essentially playing real estate agent here. He will probably leverage the crap out of Holliday and see if he can't Sabathia him into a greater return than what he gave to the Rockies. If he can't find a deal, he'll let Holliday go to the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Dodgers, Mets or anyone else who can overpay him, while Beane collects his two first round draft picks. There is, of course, a relatively decent chance that the A's (Holliday's Godzilla bat in tow) can overtake the overrated and aging Angels in the AL West and be a contender. If this is the case, they may pay Holliday to stick around and be their franchise as they finalize a move to Fremont, but this is very unlikely. Holliday is basically a new, and valuable, trading chip for Billy Beane, probably not much more.

Carlos Gonzalez

This guy craps talent and pisses ability. He can play average to decent center field right now (and exceptional right field when Dexter Fowler is ready) and he has the potential to hit 30 home runs. A good center fielder who can hit 30 home runs is about as common as a an uninjured Broncos running back. When you find a player with that ability, you grab on and hold tight. That being said, CarGon (or C-Gon) is very unrefined. He has suspect plate discipline (0.16 BB/K ratio in his major league stint), which is probably why Beane traded him. In the minors, he didn't consistently display his talent in the stat column (career .813 OPS in the minors). Still, his talent is hard to match. His speed, power and arm strength all grade as well above average and his arm is exceptional. What O'Dowd has gone for in CarGon is pure, unadulterated talent. He could be a better fielding Grady Sizemore, or he could be a talented bench player who can't seem to put it together. CarGon is by no means can't miss, but if he's a hit, he'll be an out of the parker. It is a ballsy move by the gambling O'Dowd.

Greg Smith

Nibbles, as he has been unaffectionately called, is a soft-tossing lefty that won't blow you away, but will be effective. His fastball averages 87.6 mph, but he can place it where he wants. Probably his best pitch is his cutter/slider that ranges from 80-86 mph. He'll also serve up a passable change-up and a pretty good hook. Nibbles has outstanding command of all of his pitches (except maybe the curve). His problem, though, is that he spends too much time trying to place each pitch on the black (hence the nickname). In the minors, he rarely walked people (2.64 BB/9), but in the majors he got preoccupied with nibbling at the corners and gave up 87 free passes in 190.1 innings. He can strike people out, but he's no Tim Lincecum, so he can't get to caught up placing everything right on the edge of the plate. At the same time, Coors Field is not going to keep balls in the park like the Coliseum. His 34.2% fly ball rate and 45.5% ground ball rate are not particularly good signs for Smith. He may be watching a lot of big flies from the mound. That being said, he is a much better back end of the rotation guy than Jason Hirsh and Franklin Morales. A rotation of Cook, Jimenez, Francis, Smith and De La Rosa/whoever wins the job is much improved over last year's. Smith won't be flashy or exceptional, but he will eat 190+ innings and give you a chance to win. Expect a 4.50 era out of him, but many a home run. P.S. Though it is not much more than ancillary, Greg Smith has one of the best pickoff moves in baseball.

Huston Street

The rumors are saying that O'Dowd wants to turn around and deal Street elsewhere. I'm inclined to agree. Streeter was a great pitcher. Was. And Buchholz and Corpas are capable late relievers. Let's play a game. It's called Fastball Velocity and Our Economy: Plummet Away...
2006 - 91.7 mph
2007 - 90.4 mph
2008 - 90.0 mph
Now let's play Walking Batters and NFL Fines: Soar to the Heavens...
2006 - 1.66 BB/9
2007 - 2.16 BB/9
2008 - 3.47 BB/9
Streeter is by no means a bad pitcher, but he is also showing signs of decline. O'Dowd more or less picked him up for his reputation. If that is the case, and he turns around and trades Street for something better but less reputable, then, for the first time in my life, I will commend Dan O'Dowd for his baseball intelligence (but it will probably be the only time). If the Rockies keep him, Streeter will be a functional but expensive (he has two years left of arbitration raises) reliever. If the Rockies trade him for good players, well done O'Dowd.

Conclusion

Basically, Billy Beane picked himself up a fancy and expensive house. He's going to paint it, maybe refurnish the kitchen, and pitch it to someone else for a higher price. Beane got O'Dowd to buy in on CarGon's potential and Streeter's reputation. Nibbles is a throw in that will hold a rotation spot, but not really excel. Holliday will net the A's either two first round picks or multiple prospects that will be as good (but at more needed positions) or better than CarGon, Streeter and Nibbles. This is probably a loss for the Rockies and a win for the A's. Who knows though? Perhaps CarGon will be the next Sizemore/Beltran and Smith will be the second coming of Tom Glavine, while Street picks up other good prospects. At this point, though, O'Dowd should put a for sale sign on Garrett Atkins and Todd Helton, and see what he can get. Helton would be salary dumping, while Koshansky fills his spot. Atkins and maybe Street could get a very good return package (obviously, it's time for Ian "Do You Think I'm Sexy" Stewart to play third). Maybe throw in Willy Taveras and the Rockies will have cleaned up a bit of a mess and moved on for their next push at a playoff run (maybe 2010). Hawper in left, D-Fowl in center, and CarGon in right could be quite an outfield. I guess we'll have to wait and see if O'Dowd didn't get fleeced.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 10

2008-11-06T12:44:00.005-07:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Mike Shanahan on testing his Viagra on Michael Pittman:

"He got some numbness and continued to gut it out. Obviously, the rest is history. But anytime you have numbness 24 to 48 hours later like he has, it's not a good sign."

Please consult a medical physician, Mr. Pittman

_________________________________________________________________________________

Denver @ Cleveland

Why is there a Thursday night game already? Shouldn't that be saved for Thanks-frickin-giving? Fine, NFL, make me do my picks by Thursday, you inexorable bastards. Speaking of bastards... the Broncos are terrible. Like Bengals/Lions terrible. Sure they have talent, but they look like they are playing football for the first time every game. As if he hadn't already lived an extremely privileged life, The Gay Basher 2: Men in Tights gets his first career start against the Broncos. Considering how awful the Broncos D was before all the injuries, with the injuries, Quinn will probably throw for 600 yards and 6 tds, with a 100yd receiving td. Fantasy players, take note.

Winner: For the first time, picking against my beloved Broncos, the Browns. Ugh.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

After not allowing the vicious Raiders to score a single point, they face off with his royal leech face, Drew Brees, who happens to be leading the NFL in passing yards. The key matchup for this game is probably Brees vs. CB Chevis Jackson because... who the fuck is Chevis Jackson? I'll give anyone a dollar if they can name anybody on the Falcons defense besides Keith Brooking and Jon Abraham. That goes for Falcons fans too. A bonus fifty cents to anyone who can name at least three of their offensive lineman.

Winner: N'leans

Tennessee @ Chicago

Remember Rex Grossman? Oh, how I missed him. Well, he didn't throw 14 interceptions with 10 fumbles lest week in relief of the injured Kyle Orton. He only threw 1 int. And he had a 47.9 passer rating. What would football do without Rex Grossman? I nearly forgot about him. Now, the first place Bears may have to rely on his golden arm to keep the Packers and Vikings at bay for a game or two. Oh, Kyle Orton claims he's going to play. Well, sometimes Kyle Orton has a few too many Crystal Lights and says a lot of things.

Winner: Tennessee

Jacksonville @ Detroit

Jack Del Rio reportedly sent Mike Peterson home from practice recently for undisclosed reasons. There have been rumors that it was punishment for Peterson flexing his muscles after a tackle last Sunday against the Bengals. I completely empathize with Del Rio. If I lost to the Bengals, I wouldn't just send my defensive captain home, I'd send my whole team home. Actually, I'd just put them in timeout to think about what they did. When your team let's Ryan Fitzpatrick throw 2 tds and run for 50 yards, you don't deserve to be playing football. Your coach wears a god damn leather jacket on the sidelines. How does that not inspire you to win? Del Rio should probably force them to do pre-game warm-ups in leather jackets, Tom Kite hats, and girls volleyball tights. That'd scare Daunte Culpepper back into retirement.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Houston

That's right Terrell Suggs, Flacco just put a bounty on you! Troy Smith is gonna be on the sidelines for a while. He carved them there Browns D like a Thanksgiving turkey. Woo! That's when you know you have truly arrived as an NFL quarterback, when you are able to look good against the Browns D.

Winner: Baltimore

Seattle @ Miami

Mustache Party 2008! Bring your mustaches and distinguished visages, because this is gonna be a barn-burner. Yeee-haw! I think the NFL is the only sport where a mustachioed head coach is not shunned, but encouraged. You've got Holmgren and Sparano, obviously. Also, Reid, Crennel, Brad Childress has a power 'stache, Dungy, Edwards, Singletary, and Fisher. That means that 9 of the 32 NFL head coaches sport mustaches. That's a 28 % mustache rate. But how many assistant coaches rock the upper lip warmer? 20? 40? All of them?

Winner: Miami

Green Bay @ Minnesota

While Grossman and the Bears try to maintain first place, this game decides who will be in second (or at least tied for first). Remember when these two teams were the best teams ever? They were practically shoe-ins for the playoffs and were both sleepers to make it to the Super Bowl. It just goes to show you the wisdom of ESPN football analysts. Speaking of which, I think Mike Ditka is becoming the Lou Holtz of pro football. He's rambling, incoherent, and talks about the team he used to coach constantly. Does the Vikings D-Line remind you of the Fridge and the gang? Is Ryan Grant half as sweet as Sweetness?

Winner: Green Bay in a close one

Buffalo @ New England

These two are currently in a football three way with the New York Football Jets of all teams. And the Dolphins aren't far behind. What was once New England's division by a landslide, is now like the American political spectrum, all cramped in the middle. With the Football Jets playing the Rams, the division will likely end up in a two way tie. So who will it be? Darth Vader and the Sign-Stealers? Or Beast Mode and the 5-3 Huh???

Winner: In a slight home-field nudge, the Patriots

St. Louis @ Football Jets

Like I said before, this should be easy for the Jets. The Rams can't run, pass or score points. They are also second to last in points allowed. Despite their awful defense, Brett Favre will gunsling them at least three interceptions, keeping this game at least close. In the end, though, Favre's grittiness and raw winningnessability will win it. I mean, Favre could fight five bears at once and fell them all with one mighty punch. Plus, he's comfortable in Wrangler.

Winner: Football Jets

Carolina @ Oakland

Oh, how I love it when the Raiders fail. They had 77 total net yards. Are you kidding me? That's more beautiful than Keira Knightley. Meanwhile the Panthers have been riding their mediocrity to first place. They are right in the middle of the pack in total defense and total offense. They should probably see if John Daly is still passed out in front of that Hooters. He might be able to play a good nose tackle.

Winner: Carolina

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

So Peyton Manning is back is he? We'll see against the Steelers. Their defense completely embarrassed the Redskins offense, now it's Peyton's turn. He'll have to do his job, since the Colts defense has caught the injury bug. Dwight Freeney is out with, I believe, a Napoleon Complex. All of their corners are out with flat zone coverage exhaustion. And, of course, Peyton is still questionable because of an elongated forehead.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Kansas City @ San Diego

Is Larry Johnson going to be back or did he spit in Herm Edwards' face? Who knows? I do know that I was completely wrong about Tyler Thigpen. He is a non-stop wrecking force. In other news, David Eckstein will hit 45 home runs next year. Jose Theodore will reclaim his Vezina and Hart Trophies. Allen Iverson will average 20 assists per game. And Landon Donovan will be good at soccer.

Winner: San Diego

Football Giants @ Philadelphia

Alas, everyone's favorite little puppy, Eli Manning, has returned to form after some down weeks. Hell, I thought he returned to form during those down weeks, but anything can happen (see Tyler Thigpen). He and his running backs will have a difficult time, though, against the Eagles D-line. I know everyone thinks the Giants offensive line is superhuman or something, but let's wait and see. I bet the sacks the Giants allow are directly proportional to an increase in reddish hue in Tom Coughlin's face.

Winner: Football Giants

San Fransisco @ Arizona

Normally, I would think this would be a boring game, but Mike Singletary could drop his pants at any moment! Ken Whisenhunt should put on some basketball pants and make his inspirational depanstings more dramatic. It would be a pants-off war. If only, Lt. Kellen Winslow was on one of these teams.
Winner: Arizona

Last Week: 8-6
Overall: 60-39

Holliday Looks to Jump Ship

2008-11-06T11:17:00.002-07:00

As the days creep towards the 2009 Major League Baseball season, it seems less and less likely that our resident superstar, Colorado Rockies outfielder Matt Holliday, will be donning the purple pinstripes for Opening Day.

Normally not the type of player to air his dirty laundry out in the media, Holliday is apparently trying a new tact of expressing his true feelings, regardless of who is listening.

In a recent Denver Post article, it appears Holliday has grown increasingly frustrated with the treatment that he has received from the Rockies' front office and what he deems are low-ball contract offers drawn up by Dealin' Dan.

The latest contract offer cited in the article was a four-year, $72 million deal with a $12 million option. Holliday rejected the offer in part because he wasn't sold on the organization's commitment to winning.

"I specifically don't want to spend my career collecting paychecks and having October off. I want to be in a situation where I feel like I can make the postseason every year, not only if the perfect storm comes together," Holliday said.

To me, that quote was not only a subtle dig at the career of Rockies legend Todd Helton, but also an admission that the miracle "Rocktober" run to the 2007 World Series was a fluke and nothing more.

It shows that Holliday doesn't believe that his teammates are willing or able to bring a title to Colorado and he shudders at the thought of being an iconic talent on a perennial loser like Helton has been.

With Holliday's current contract expiring at the end of the 2009 season, he's likely to command a contract upwards of a six or seven-year deal worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 million. With the penny-pinching Monfort Brothers in charge, there is almost no chance that the Rockies will even be in the discussions with the slugger.

Of course, Holliday is represented by sports' biggest snake, Scott Boras, who is never coy about his desire to manipulate his clients into ditching any of their team-first tendencies in the effort to attain top dollar. (Just look at what he did to Manny Ramirez in Boston.) If we do indeed end up trading Holliday, we can look at the moment he came under Boras' tutelage as the beginning of the end of his tenure in the Mile High City.

Holliday has always said that he, not Boras, will have the last word on whether or not he will choose to stay with the only club he's ever known. Looking at these latest comments, however, makes me believe that Boras has had more of an influence than we would like to believe.

From the "hot stove" rumblings that have been reported thus far, it appears that Dealin' Dan is in contact with many teams and has made it perfectly clear that Holliday is available for the right price. (Or David Price, possibly?)

As Holliday becomes publicly disgruntled with the state of the franchise, O'Dowd's hand may be forced to make a deal sooner rather than later, and there is no shortage of teams on the open market who could use a career .319 hitter who has averaged 32 home runs and 113 RBI in the last three seasons.

Holliday's bags are packed and he's ready to go, but don't be shocked if he doesn't wake us up to say goodbye.

The T-Rex Era is Now Extinct

2008-11-05T21:59:00.001-07:00

With Dealin' Dan O'Dowd more than willing to shake up the Rockies roster this offseason, the first word out of the GM meetings in California is that O'Dowd is already starting to make waves within his own organization.

The first move was made this morning when he placed a call to closer Brian Fuentes and told him any one of these three lines:

1. "It's not you, it's me."

2. "I like you, but I'm not in like with you."

3. "Though you are the Rockies' all-time saves leader and were lights-out for most of the season, never complained once about your demotion from the closer's role, nor became smug when you regained it successfully, we'd much rather not try to bring you back to the ballclub. Instead, we're going to replace you with a guy who just finished an inconsistent season while getting paid the money that should rightfully be yours."

Any one of those three lines would suffice.

This is a major mistake by Dealin' Dan and the Monfort brothers (team owners Charlie and Dick). Though much has been made about the true value of a closer in baseball's current sabermetric world, the bottom line is that Fuentes was nails for much of the year.

He saved 30 games, his fourth consecutive year with more than 20. At one point, he saved 17 consecutive games, including a stretch between Aug. 15 and Sept. 17 in which, in 13 innings, he gave up three hits and two walks and struck out 24. He was so unbelievably unhittable that he made Rockies fans forget his, ahem, "hiccup" on last year's disastrous 1-9 road trip at the end of June.

Though Fuentes could reportedly command a contract upwards of three years and $39 million, the Rockies should try to pony up the dough to bring back T-Rex. He's coming off a year in which he was as dominant as ever. His fastball had new life, frequently hitting the mid-90s on the radar gun, and his changeup and slider routinely baffled batters.

Fuentes, though 33, is an attractive piece on the free agent market; the Mets, Angels, and Indians, among others, have shown significant interest thus far. He's seen as a less-costly option to the market's marquee free-agent closer, the Angels' Francisco Rodriguez.

The Rockies are combing the free agent market for a shutdown arm to pick up the slack in the late innings, but what Dealin' Dan doesn't realize is that he already had one on his own roster. Come 2009, don't be surprised if Fuentes gets a phone call in the middle of the night from a sobbing Dan O'Dowd, crying about how he was the best the GM ever had.

The Broncos and the Injury Bug: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

2008-11-05T21:57:00.002-07:00

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

With the Broncos' beleaguered defense already dealing with the absence of its best player, Champ Bailey, who's out for another three weeks with a groin injury, now the news of the hour is that its second best player, linebacker DJ Williams, will miss a month or possibly the rest of the season with ligament damage in his left knee.

Williams, the team leader in total tackles (77) and solo tackles (57), has been enjoying a resurgence in his play after an offseason move back to his original position of weak side linebacker. He also racked up 2.5 sacks before succumbing to the Broncos' snake-bitten ways.

So where do the Broncos go from here? With the Flying Bailey Brothers, Williams, and now free safety Marlon McCree also questionable for Thursday night's contest with Cleveland, are the Broncos going to be able to scrounge up 11 able-bodied players to line up opposite the opposing offense?

No word yet on whether Mike Shanahan and the Broncos are considering Marky Mark Wahlberg Invincible-esque tryouts yet, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Addendum: Since writing this article, the Broncos have placed two more top contributors on the injured reserve list in starting running back Michael Pittman and backup butterfinger Andre Hall.

That means our historically successful running game will be reduced to a rookie with three NFL carries to his name who is coming off major elbow surgery and a former starter who will wind up about 1,500 yards short of his public boast to rush for over 2,000 yards this season. Oh, and he hasn't played since Week 5. Ryan Torain and Selvin Young, the onus is now on you to bring us out of our offensive funk.

Good luck...you're going to need it.

And we're still in first place how???

2008-11-05T21:56:00.001-07:00

I'm only doing this for the sake of catharsis.

I'm sick and tired of writing about the shortcomings of my beloved Broncos and how they continue to contribute to the downward spiral that is becoming the 2008 season.

Since starting out the year 3-0, the Broncos have gone 1-4, and it's been the same story over and over again in each one of their increasingly frustrating defeats: sluggish offense, bad defense, and turnovers. Unfortunately, today was no exception.

The turnover parade started early on as "the Cut Man" thought he should be the one to begin the festivities by tossing it straight into the hands of Dolphins safety Jason Allen on the third play of the game. Not to be outdone, two possessions later, Cutler did the Dolphins an even greater service by throwing his first touchdown of the day.

The fact that it was to the other team is of no consequence on these pages. It was destined to be that kind of contest.

Cutler would end up throwing three picks, and for a while, in the first half, looked like he flat-out forgot how to play football. Cutler was able to pick it up in the second half to finish the day with 307 yards passing and two touchdowns, his first 300-yard passing day since Week Four, but the damage had long been done thanks to the Dolphins forcing the Broncos into becoming a one-dimensional offensive offense.

The Broncos finished this game with 14 rushing yards, or slightly more than everyone who contributes articles about those players here on Bleacher Report. It was the second-fewest yards in team history and solidified the sad fact that the Broncos' once-vaunted running attack under Mike Shanahan has been reduced to a running-back-by-committee, where the guy with the fewest Band-Aids gets the bulk of the carries.

I won't even mention the phantom pass-interference call that nullified the 77-yard Cutler to Marshall touchdown. Oops...

The defense finally put together a decent day but couldn't come through when the Broncos had a chance to climb back in the fourth quarter. With the turnovers and prime field position the Dolphins were given all game, the defense could have easily folded up like they had previously and taken home another Patriot-like pounding. Instead, they fought and clawed and stopped the 'Phins offense from reaching the end zone...Until their final drive.

With the score 19-17, and the Dolphins facing a 3rd-and-19, the Broncos were poised to get the ball back with about five minutes remaining. Instead, they allow an 18.5-yard pass play to Ronnie Brown and the ensuing successful 4th-and-inches run.

A few plays later, the Broncos had the 'Phins on the ropes once more with a 3rd-and-13 that was erased on a Ricky Williams reception. Ronnie Brown would eventually punch it in to increase the lead to 26-17 and send the Broncos back to the drawing board, as they'll have a short week in preparing for Thursday night's showdown with the Cleveland Browns.

I still don't feel any better about the game, but at least I'm not a Lions fan.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 9

2008-11-01T15:53:00.004-06:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jay Cutler on his bye week back home in Nashville:

"It was good to get a break and get refreshed a little bit."

_________________________________________________________________________

Football Jets @ Buffalo

A hard-fought divisional battle between rivals from the same state. The self-proclaimed "New York" Jets aren't actually from New York. They are just afraid of admitting to being from New Jersey. It's okay Jets, I would be too. I don't think there are actually any gardens in that state, only black and green lakes that may or may not contain nuclear waste. Plus there are lots of people who tear the sleeves of their t-shirts and slick back their hair. Gross. On another note, the Bills do not actually have anyone on their team named "Bill." This is misleading and should be rectified. There are no players in the NFL officially named Bill, so they should at least sign or trade for a Billy, like Volek or Miller.

Winner: Buffalo (no)Bills

Detroit @ Chicago

Roy E. Williams is no longer stuck catching Dan Orlovsky passes. Now he gets Brad Johnson passes! Wow, that sucks. The Lions and the Bengals should place high-stakes bets on who will be the first to win a game. My money is on neither. Can these teams be relocated, taken apart and rebuilt from scratch? I hear Oklahoma City likes sports franchises.

Winner: Chicago

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

Continuing from before, Ohio already has plenty of well-liked sports franchises--Indians, Cavaliers, Buckeyes, even the frickin' Browns. It's not like the Bengals have a chance this year, or probably in the next five. They have been probably the worst franchise when you take into account their entire existence (damn you, Raiders). Since the NFL may expand to Canada with the Bills, I say the Bengals go south and become the Mexico City Gorditas or the Mexico City Chalupas. Oh wait--if there was a Taco Bell in Mexico it would probably be bombed for committing treason against a revered culinary tradition.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Don't look now, but the Ravens are one game behind the Steelers in the standings. Might I add that they are doing it with His Royal Unibrow at QB. Their second best defense (yards-wise) and a fantasy-killing menage a trois at running back (please just give McClain the goal-line carries, for frick's sake) is helping take the load off Delaware Joe. Maybe they'll bust out more gadget plays with Flacco making some catches. That sucker can run. Well, sort of. Speaking of gadgets, stay away from Kellen Winslow. Speaking of Winslow and the Browns crappiness, I think the Browns have a staff infection. Get it? Cause they're coaches, and franchise as a whole, are terrible? Probably the best joke I've ever written, perhaps anyone has ever written.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Kansas City

Oh, lordy lord, why would thee make this game exist? Ever? I spit in this game's face. If I was commentating for this game I would probably quit. Or just do stand up instead of subjecting people to this hideous monstrosity. What's the latest Dane Cook bit? Something about stomping around and yelling a lot? Yeah, probably that. Most people would rather just look at pictures of Jeff Garcia's wife. Seriously, how did that happen? The poor girl is wasting her good genes on a west coast system QB who looks like a pederast and makes hand gestures like this.

Winner: Jeff Garcia, hands down. Also, Tampa Bay

Houston @ Minnesota

So it's the Williams sisters vs. Schaub, Slaton, and the sports team who hails from the state of Texas that had no better ideas for a team mascot than the god damn Texans. It looks like the Tennessee Tennesseeans really have control of the AFC South, but you can't count out the Indianapolis Indianans and their playoff ubiquity. The Jacksonville Floridians also have the skill on the lines and a good running game to be real contenders. In the land of creativitylessness, who knows what will happen? As for the Minnesota Minnesotans, they are like so fat. OMG! If I weighed 350 lbs and got suspended for taking illegal diuretics to lose weight, I would... Well, I would take my six figure per game salary and buy one Playstation 3. If I saved up, I might be able to get one game as well.

Winner: Houston. Offense wins a game for once

Arizona @ St. Louis

The Cardinals are in first gosh darn effing place, by two games. They have no running game and a weak defense. His Lord's Servant, Kurt Warner, must be praying his tail off. When you have Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald as receivers, there really is no reason to pray because your prayers have been answered. Oh, by the way, the Cardinals have scored more points than anyone in football! With a frickin' 97-year old quarterback who wants to retire! Okay so they haven't faced the best defenses--mere semantics.

Winner: St. Louis because Jim Haslett is the greatest coach of all time!

Green Bay @ Tennessee

So maybe the Titans are for real. Chris Johnson is faster than a cheetah on PEDs with its ass caught on fire. Lendale White is fatter than a megalodon that lives on nothing but ribs and Marlon Brando. The Packers are hoping that Hairon Rodgers is for real, now that he makes about as much money as Peyton Manning.

Winner: Tennessee

Miami @ Denver

Denver is coming off a much needed bye week and playing back home at Invesco Field at Relatively Close to One Mile Above Sea Level Give or Take About 100 Feet or So. Miami brings their crazy new-fangled single wing offense, updated for the 20th century. Two things, Tony Sparano, they allow the forward pass these days, and Chad Pennington can't pass forward for more than maybe a yard or two. Perhaps you can find a QB who can throw the ball more than about five feet. I don't care if Matthew Mcconaughey told you to play Pennington.

Winner: Pretty please with sugar on top let it be the Broncos. I don't think I could take another loss right now

Dallas @ Football Giants

Finally an epicly dramatic game! Plenty of tears, break ups and cheating on your special friends with their best friends. It's okay, TO, I know Tony Romo is your quarterback. You don't have to cry. Oh wait, Brad Johnson. Okay, you can go ahead and cry. If my quarterback had the arm strength of a newborn baby (or Chad Pennington come to think of it) and the mobility of the Great Pyramid of Giza, I would probably cry too.

Winner: Football Giants

Atlanta @ Oakland

Facing off are the two quarterbacks taken higher than any others at their position in the last two drafts. When I was watching Mel Kiper Jr. enunciate like the meth addict he is, I kept think Ryan and Russell were going to be like Joey Harrington bad. It looks like I was half right. Jamarcus Russell is about as terrible as I thought he would be, but Matt Ryan is defying logic and reason by becoming an effective rookie quarterback. He has steps to go, of course, but he has already become an effective game manager. Maybe in a few years he will move up from Boring and Effective 3: The Phantom Menace, starring Trent Dilfer, from the writers and producers of Waiting to Exhale, and into the Legends of Gunsling Yore, starring Brett Favre, written by the sports media, produced by lazy people pumping out cliches.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Seattle

Right now the Eagles have to be thinking, "Well, the Phillies did it, why can't us?" For practice this week, were Jon Runyan and William Thomas working on their blocking skills by destroying bus stops, blowing up cars, and booing fellow rioters? It probably will be very effective. My only concern is the false starts in Seattle, with their infamous crowd noise. Speaking of which, there has been a refereeing travesty occurring at Qwest Field. Game after game, play after play, the Seattle Seahawks haven't been called for too many men on the field of play. They frickin' advertise that they have 12 players on defense. It's probably Ed Hochuli's fault.

Winner: Philadelphia (Holmgren picked the wrong year to quit (and to stop sniffing glue))

New England @ Indianapolis

Usually the most anticipated game of the year. Not this year. GQ QB is hurt and Peyton looks human behind a broken o-line and virtually no running game. Al and John are probably going to mention those things very frequently. Then John will start drawing pictures of Tough Actin' Tinactin on the screen for no reason and recall a story when he once farted in the Horse Trailer and the smell didn't go away for the entirety of the state of Nebraska. NBC should just get Frank Caliendo to do impressions of John and Al. It would be cheaper. Plus, his impersonation-driven comedy is about as funny as Dane Cook's yelling and stomping-driven comedy.

Winner: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh @ Washington

Hey Redskins fans, the 'Skins aren't going to win the Super Bowl. I know you think every time they win a game they are going to win it all, but they aren't. These aren't the late 80s. Joe Gibbs can't put plumbers and janitors at quarterback and still win Super Bowls anymore. He's too busy watching a car go around in circles. I don't think Clinton "Does all the work" Portis and Jason "I haven't thrown an interception yet because I haven't thrown any passes" Campbell will be able to move the sticks against the Steelers ridiculously good defense.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Carolina @ San Fransisco

Okay, this isn't a real game, but the NFL is a dick scheduling their bye weeks right now. Here is a scene from my upcoming screen-writing and directorial debut, Shit Show.

Vernon Davis and John Daly are hanging out in a Hooters in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. It's late night happy hour so coconut martinis are only dollar. After their tab runs up to $40 only in martinis, Daly begins to yell and harass one of the waitresses, grabbing her in inappropriate places. He then gets depressed and complains to Davis about how his wife beats him and takes his booze money to go shopping at Neiman Marcus. Then Mike Singletary jumps through a window, screaming and runs up to Davis and Daly, who are sitting at the bar. He yells at Davis as loud as he possibly can about his questionable work ethic. Daly, meanwhile has passed out drunk and had a heart attack simultaneously. Singletary then drops his pants to the floor causing widespread shock and confusion throughout the restaurant. Hooters, being a family restaurant, has several patrons who are considered children. Many of these children begin to cry as Singletary runs all over the restaurant, pants down, yelling "I want winners!" He then gets in Davis' face and explains to him that he dropped his pants because he wants Davis to try harder. Then Davis cries because he was so happy about being drafted, despite how most pre-draft talk suggested he would be top-10 and how he was actually at the draft, with like five of the other "top" players available.

And... Scene

Last Week: 7-7
Overall: 52-33

The Proverbial Stove is Getting Warmer

2008-11-01T13:35:00.002-06:00

With trade rumblings already starting to make their way into the blogosphere and the World Series now just a memory (thankfully), we turn our attention to the so-called Hot Stove to see how our Rockies are looking to improve their club for the 2009 campaign.

Now, most of this "analysis" that I'm about to preach on these pages is from either snippets of ideas that I've read in newspapers like the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News, coloradorockies.com, or even articles from fellow Bleacher Report contributors with a little bit of my own wish list thrown in.

We're going to do this on a team by team basis as to who might be interested in some of our boys.

O'Dowd has made it widely known that he is dangling both Garrett Atkins and Matt Holliday this winter in exchange for young, Major League-ready starting pitching, so if you notice a common theme among some of these possible suitors, well, I just told you.

New York Yankees

-Rockies Bleacher Report contributor David Martin already wrote an excellent piece on a possible Willy Taveras for Ian Kennedy trade that you can check out here. I think my feelings are pretty well known that I would trade Willy Taveras for a punch in the stomach much less for a young, talented starting pitching prospect.

-Also, you can never count out a team with Mariana Trench-like (that's right, a geography reference) pockets like the New York Yankees. You have to believe they'll at least be in the discussions for Matt Holliday.

Boston Red Sox

-With the uncertain injury status of current third baseman Mike Lowell, the Red Sox have been reported to have thrown their hat in the ring for Garrett Atkins. The Sawx have no shortage of young, talented pitchers like Clay Buchholz and my cousin, Justin Masterson.

Now, I could probably just call up my cousin and give him my best political stump speech on why he should want to come play in the mile high majesty of Colorado instead of the intense pressure of Beantown. Then, when he realized the wisdom of my words, he could go to Theo Epstein and demand a trade that would send him out west. He'd join a starting rotation of Francis, Cook, and Ubaldo that would give the Rockies a pitching staff that could compete with the rest of the NL West.

Hey, a guy can dream right?

Minnesota Twins

-Twins Bleacher Report contributor Warren Williams recently wrote a hypothetical article where we would trade Garrett Atkins to the Twins for outfielder Michael Cuddyer. While I wasn't too fond of the trade straight up, Minnesota does have some talented young pitchers that I'm sure O'Dowd wouldn't be too upset if he acquired.

Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, and Nick Blackburn would be the names we would more than likely focus on if this or any trade with the Twinkies were likely to go down. Baker is the most attractive of the bunch, not physically mind you, but statistically, finishing 11-4 on the year with a 3.45 ERA. Slowey and Blackburn are both relatively young guys who were key components in the Twins' mad dash to their one-game playoff where they ultimately succumbed to the White Sox.

Chicago White Sox

-Speaking of those White Sox, Bleacher Report contributor Tab Bamford concocted a bold blockbuster trade opportunity between these two ball clubs that would send Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins to the White Sox for Jermaine Dye, Nick Swisher, and Javier Vazquez. I immediately dismissed this deal at first, but upon further thought, it's not too radical.

Though Dye is getting up there in years, he would more or less replace Holliday's bat. Swisher can play both first base and outfield and would benefit from Coors Field's cavernous gaps. Vazquez has immense talent, but has never been able to overcome a debilitating case of mediocrity (showcased by his career 127-129 record.) He has also seemingly worn out his welcome with Sox manager Ozzie Guillen with his poor performance down the stretch.

To make such a dynamite deal go down, the White Sox may need to sweeten the pot by throwing in young lefty John Danks instead of Vazquez. If Danks were included, it might be tough to say no to Sox GM Kenny Williams.

Florida Marlins

While the Rockies are obviously looking for starting pitching to shore up a shaky rotation, if a deal for a power hitting second baseman falls into their laps, I would find it hard to believe that they would ignore it. That's where Dan Uggla comes in. Though apparently not known for his book-smarts and analytical game preparation, he sure knows how to hit. An infield of Helton, Uggla, Tulo, and some sort of Stewart/Atkins hybrid would be formidable to say the least.

New York Mets

They seem to have deep pockets as well and would be in the race for Matt Holliday. Whether or not they have enough to give the Rockies in return is a whole different story altogether.

Tampa Bay Rays

The Rays obviously have young talent to spare. If the Rays want to indulge in their Socialist side and spread the wealth around (since that seems so apropos,) I'm sure the Rockies could come to some sort of agreement for David Price, BJ Upton, Carl Crawford, or Matt Garza.

That's all I have right now. Leave any other trade ideas, dreams, or possibilities in the comments in case I might have glossed over a few.

Philadelphia: Not Only the Proud Home of Will Smith Anymore

2008-10-30T00:21:00.002-06:00

-Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies.......I guess. I'm sure being World Champions is pretty cool, if you're into that sort of thing. Now at least the city of Philly has something else to be proud of except for the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Will Smith's entire career. What's the over/under on when Philly fans start booing their World Champions again? After a loss on Opening Day?

-I think more pieces of journalism have been written on the flaws of this World Series, from the abysmal umpiring to the handling of the rain and cold, than people that actually watched the Series on TV. Everybody has their opinion on what should be done to prevent another catastrophe like was encountered in Game 5, but none better than everybody's favorite phrase-turner, the Prince of Puns, the Denver Post's Woodrow Paige.

Not only did Woodrow begin his column by comparing himself to Galileo, Alexander Graham Bell, and the Wright Brothers among others (for their persecution by their peers for introducing radical ideas into society), but he believes he's worthy to be mentioned in the same breath with these pioneers because.....wait for it....he thinks the World Series should be held in Hawaii every year.

Galileo? Discovered the earth was round. Mr. Bell? Invented the telephone. The Wright Brothers? Invented the airplane. Woody Paige? Thinks the World Series should be a week-long vacation so he won't have to sit in the cold of the press box for seven days out of his year. All I have to say is.....really?

-Rockies catching prospect Mike McKenry has been tearing up the Arizona Fall League like he was the second coming of Joey Belle. He's hitting .435 with 5 home runs, and 12 rbis in just eleven games with the Phoenix Desert Dogs including a three homer, seven rbi game in Monday's 16-7 trouncing of the Surprise Rafters.

McKenry knocked 18 home runs with 75 rbis last year with the Single A Modesto Nuts. Though Chris Iannetta has taken a strangle hold on the catching position of the once and future Colorado Rockies, it's never a bad idea to have a solid backup plan in the next couple seasons.

-This is a bit off the topic of baseball, but has there ever been a better headline than this dandy from espn.com today?

Cops: Golfer Daly drunk, detained outside Hooters

At least we know, that after all these years, John Daly still manages to keep it real.

Cutler Mistakes Bye Week for Spring Break, Runs the Table

2008-10-30T00:20:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning to find this article on the front page of Deadspin and just had to post the link. Thank Elway we now know how Cutler spent his bye week.

http://deadspin.com/5070210/cutlers-beirut-arm-is-stronger-than-elways

Reviewing the playbook? Naw. He's just getting that competitive fire back to take on Miami on Sunday!

Masterson's Musings: The Musings that Time (I) Forgot

2008-10-27T22:55:00.004-06:00

* I know a grand majority of you bloggers and readers of bloggers take time out of your daily lives to become slaves to the phenomenon known as fantasy football. I am one of those drones. In the three years I've played, this is the first season "I" am really starting to dominate.

A lot of the credit goes to who I believe is the greatest fantasy player in all of football: Tennessee Titans running back Lendale White. This pudgy performer won't slap you with out-of-this-world stats considering he averages 12 carries and 30 yards per game (if you take out his aberration in Week 7 where he somehow racked up 149 yards on 17 carries.) However, White leads the NFL with ten touchdowns in the Titans' seven games and has only been held off the scoreboard in one game thus far.

Oh, and he's from Denver too. 303 represent!

* The return of the Manning Face! It was last seen in the Colts' playoff loss to the Chargers last January, but in the Titans 31-21 lashing of the Colts, Manning was seen on the sideline pursing his lips together with a sorrowful look pasted on his grill. I don't know about you guys, but I missed seeing it.

With Elisha (that's his real name. Look it up) Manning in charge of one of the best teams in football somehow and Peyton seemingly always winning football games until this season, it had sadly escaped us for a while. Let's hope it peeks its head out a few more times in the season's final nine weeks.

* I saw this ad on Craig's List today and thought it to be a bit suspicious:

FOR SALE!!!!!!!!!

All-Star left fielder: hits for average, power, and in clutch situations. Has taken steps to improve defense and is adored by fans and opposing players alike. Occasionally asks to borrow money, but just hold your ground and he'll keep quiet. Answers to Big Daddy.

3rd Baseman with Fankles: Career .298 hitter, normally hits over 20 homers with 100 rbis in a season. Hits in the clutch (this season notwithstanding) and occasionally dives for balls hit to his left. Can play two positions (kinda), and won't rock the boat.

For information call Dealin' Dan or my brother Dealin' Doug.

I dunno.....I just thought it was weird.

Luis Vizcaino Parties Harder Than You

2008-10-27T11:37:00.002-06:00

Well it appears that Rockies relief "pitcher" Luis Vizcaino is responding well to the abysmal season he just spent in purple pinstripes. Since he's now living in the Tampa/St. Petersburg area down there in Florida, maybe he was simply celebrating his hometown team's first ever appearance in the World Series.

Or maybe he was simply trying to show Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa that he would fit in well under his tutelage in St. Louis next season. This could definitely explain why Vizcaino pitched so poorly for the Rockies. Did he pull off his best Maurice Clarett impression by "getting his Goose on" before taking the hill?

Regardless, I can't wait to see what Vizcaino does for a sequel.

Masterson's Musings: Bye Week Edition

2008-10-26T21:22:00.004-06:00

Just between you and me, I thought the Broncos looked great today. They didn't commit costly penalties at inopportune times, Cutler didn't throw into triple coverage just to make sure Brandon Marshall was running his routes correctly, nobody strained their groin, and Shanahan's schemes showed no weaknesses whatsoever. What's that? The Broncos were on their bye week and didn't play today? Hmm. That must be why my bottles of Jameson and antacid are still full.
The Chargers seem fully intent on gift-wrapping the AFC West for the Broncos this year. It's a super-nice gesture for a team that's used us mostly as a moist towelette the past few seasons. Today against the Saints in jolly ol' England, the Chargers D looked almost as pitiful as the Broncos' as Drew Brees sliced his way through what was supposed to be one of the top defenses in the game to the tune of 339 yards passing and 3 touchdowns. With the Broncos division lead now at a game and a half, the Chargers don't seem too motivated to knock the Broncos from their precarious first place perch.
The Phillies-Rays World Series (insert FOX executive suicide joke here) has been a decent show thus far. It's been slightly better than CSI: Cherry Creek, but not as exciting as Law and Order: Mall Security Unit. I really thought the Rays would take this series in 6 because of their strong starting pitching and the question marks in the Phillies rotation after one, Cole Hamels. It's not like the Phillies have set the world on fire by any means, but they still find themselves one win away from the World Championship. Philly fans, prepare your cheesesteaks because this team will finally give you a reason not to boo for the first time since that whole Constitution thing was signed.
A recent poll in the Denver Post petitioned fans to pick which current injured Bronco will be missed the most as they work their way back to the playing field. Not surprisingly, Champ was an overwhelming choice for number one with 86% of the vote. What tickled me most was that our backup quarterback Patrick Ramsey brought home a rousing 1.1% of the fan vote as the player the team will miss most. That's funny. I didn't realize that Ramsey had so many close personal relatives in the Denver area.
I'm sure that when Adrien Brody and Matthew McConaughey retire from acting and look back on their illustrious, award-winning careers, when asked about the movie they're most proud of, I wouldn't be surprised if they both replied Angels in the Outfield.

Riddle Me This, Mr. O'Dowd...

2008-10-25T11:25:00.002-06:00

With the Rockies off-season unfortunately already upon us, it's time to look at some of the biggest questions facing the former National League Champions heading into the cold, Colorado winter.

1) Will Dan be dealin or will Dan be dormant?

The Rockies felt more than comfortable to rest on the laurels of their World Series appearance in 2007 and didn't make a major splash in the free agent market in the following off-season. That is, unless you're a close personal friend or relative of Mark Redman or Kip Wells.

Believing the team that took his franchise to the World Series would be good enough to compete in 2008 backfired, and already it appears as if O'Dowd is going to be much more aggressive come winter. Slugging Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla's name has already been thrown around as a person of interest for the Rockies. The Red Sox have shown interest in both Garrett Atkins and Matt Holliday, and the Mets are believed to be the front runners for T Rex Fuentes.

Whether or not O'Dowd can pull the trigger on a deal remains to be seen, but we know the main target for Dealin Dan this off-season is going to be young, talented starting pitchers (Justin Masterson, anyone?)

2) Will the players respond to a slew of new coaches?

I may be wrong here, but I think that every single coach on the Rockies big club last year has either been fired or given a stern talking-to by upper management. In fact, I think the only one who escaped unscathed was that kid in the bullpen who runs the jackets of the pitchers into the dugout and sprints back out to his position.

One of the most notable firings was that of strength and conditioning coach Brad Andress. Adored by most of the Rockies players and regarded throughout the league as the guru of the weight room, his firing came as an unwelcome shock to the clubhouse.

It probably wasn't easy to see guys like third base coach Mike Gallego, bullpen coach Rick Matthews (who has been with the organization since its inception in 1993), bench coach Jamie Quirk, and hitting coach Alan Cockrell join the rest of America in the unemployment line either. Will these guys welcome the new guys Hurdle brings in or will there be a bit of lingering resentment regarding the way these firings were handled by the organization?

That was just a tiny taste of the 31 Flavors of questions we have going into 2009. I'd handle more at the moment, but duty calls, and I must report for work. Until next time, Rockies fans...

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 8

2008-10-25T11:22:00.005-06:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

This one isn't from a football player and it doesn't have to be taken out of context. It's simply yours and my favorite turner of phrase, Woodrow Paige.

On his methods of analysis and insight:
"I don't make up, pick or see the questions until I answer them, and I just answer them truthfully and without looking up stuff."

Nice, Woody. "Looking up stuff" is for amateurs. It's better to spout off some half-drunk attempt at being edgy based on your hunches. I like how he shows pride in the fact that he doesn't look things up. Also, "without looking up stuff" immediately follows "answer them truthfully." Those fragmented, maniacal ideas in that brain of his are much more "truthful" than like facts and statistics and bullshit like that. Oh, Woodrow, you never cease to amaze.

_______________________________________________________________________

Oakland @ Baltimore

Rookie Joe Flacco has upped his stellar performance this year by throwing his SECOND TOUCHDOWN! In only SIX games! Not only is Delaware the least boring state in the entire country, its state "university" produces unibrowed gunslingers the likes of which have never been seen. "It wasn't me it was Ray Lewis! Look it's a football, not a knife."

Winner: Baltimore

Arizona @ Carolina

What's the deal with these crazy Panthers? One week they look like the greatest team to ever saunter a football field, then the next, they look like the Buccaneers for the first 20 years of their existence. They get destroyed by Tampa Bay, an average team, and then trounce the Saints, and above average team. It makes about as much sense as hiring Norv Turner.

Winner: This week i think they'll decide to suck. So... Arizona

Tampa Bay @ Dallas

Hahahahahahahaha THE RAMS! Hahahahaha 35-14! Hahahahahahaha. Priceless.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Washington @ Detroit

Oh, Lions, what will you do next? Dan "Oh, shit, I forgot I was in the endzone" Orlovsky is basically a one man wrecking crew--and he doesn't wreck opposing defenses. Why not Drew Stanton? He was supposed to be good in college. If only God had listened to Jon Kitna's hourly, nay secondly, prayers, he would be throwing five interceptions a game and losing, like the star he is.

Winner: Washington

Buffalo @ Miami

That tricky single wing didn't ruse the Ravens. With Buffalo coming off a convincing win against the "talented" Chargers, and Trent Edwards looking more and more like an upper echelon QB, this may be tough for Chad "The Rifle" Pennington, Ricky "I swear it's a cigarette, it just smells funny" Williams, and the Miami offense.

Winner: Buffalo

Saint Louis @ New England

Leave it to the Broncos to make Sammy Morris look good. That is quite an accomplishment for the Broncos D. Now they will face some "real" competition in the Rams. Haslett for coach of the year! After a couple games! Haslett should wear a hobo hoodie just to spite Darth Vader on the other sideline.

Winner: Saint Louis. Why not?

San Diego @ New Orleans

This game is going to smash smashmouth football in the mouth. I predict three runs and 135 passes. This game will last six hours. There will be at least 80 points scored. There will be at last 1000 passing yards. There will be at least two defensive coordinators in tears at the end.

Winner: New Orleans

Kansas City @ Football Jets

I'm only 22 years old and I can't say I've been, for the entirety of my life, the borderline insane football fanatic that I am now. So, I haven't watched a great deal of football compared to some. But... I think that Tyler Thigpen might possibly be the worst quarterback to ever play a National Football League game. I also think that Brett Favre might have created the worst turnaround in fan sentiment in sports history. He has gone from being respected by nearly all (some more than others) to being a giant dickhead.

Winner: Football Jets

Atlanta @ Philadelphia

Two teams coming off a bye. Andy Reid is notorious for annihilating teams post-bye week. He is also notorious for mustaches, drug addicted gun wielding sons, choosing football over fixing his fucked up family life, and having a few too many donuts over the years.

Winner: Philadelphia

Cleveland @ Jacksonville

Braylon Edwards, what cruel game are you playing on my fantasy team? One week he scores 20 points and then the next he drops 75 passes. I should have drafted your BFF Michael Phelps. A gold medal has got to be worth some points right? Besides, Phelps is probably better at catching footballs than Braylon, because, well, everyone in the world is.

Winner: Jacksonville

Cincinnati @ Houston

Ladies and gentlemen, I present your starting running back... Cedric "The party's in my boat" Benson. I don't think the Bengals pick their players based on their football skills anymore. I think they just look at their arrest record. This year alone they have picked up at least 5 felonies and misdemeanors in Benson and Chris Henry alone. That's two Pro Bowlers by Bengals standards.

Winner: Houston

Football Giants @ Pittsburgh

Holy moly, a real game! It's rush vs. rush here as both can run the ball very well and stop the run very. It certainly won't be a "pansy" game, Mr. Polamalu. I really wish I could have heard him say that. For seriously, have you heard that guys voice. I know he hits hard, but he sure as shucks has a "pansy" voice.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Seattle @ San Fransisco

Dear Broncos, Mike Nolan is available. Maybe he's not a great head coach, but he's a great defensive coordinator and one hell of a snappy dresser. If you like your hybrid defense so much, he could probably give you some decent 3-4 schemes. Anyways... this game. God, the NFC West is horrible. Roger Goodell should just get rid of it and pretend he can't hear it when it complains.

Winner: San Fransisco

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Attention: The TITANS are undefeated with KERRY COLLINS at quarterback. (I'm turning into the Tony Kornheiser of the blogging world) Okay, I'll stop overemphasizing stuff and give you some real analysis. Albert "The Head Stomper" Haynesworth is out of his frickin' mind. Sure Vanden Bosch and Finnegan are good, but this guy pretty much makes this defense. I don't know how much longer DT can continue as underrated as it is with this guy making most offensive lines look offensive.

Winner: Tennessee

Last Week: 8-6
Overall Record: 45-46

Cutler Chasing Consistency

2008-10-22T18:39:00.003-06:00

Jay Cutler came into the 2008 season destined for stardom. Blessed with a Howitzer for an arm and the short term memory of a Labrador puppy, Jay seemed to have all the tools needed to crash the party of the league's upper-echelon of quarterbacks.

When the season officially started the compliments and comparisons to a certain Denver Duke kept coming as Cutler led the surprising Broncos to a 3-0 start and boasted the highest scoring offense in the NFL. In the season's first month, Cutler completed 102-157 passes (64.9 completion %) for 1,275 yards notching nine TDs to four INTs in being named the AFC Offensive Player of the Month. The Broncos owned a 3-1 record and were top dogs in the AFC West.

Fast forward to today. The Broncos are still on top of the AFC West, but at 4-3 and coming off one of the worst performances in Broncos recent history, a 41-7 drubbing at the hands of the Patriots on Monday Night Football, there is definitely some unrest in Broncos Country.

Though Cutler cannot singularly be faulted for the recent missteps (the defense harbors the most culpability by far) his play, and his mouth, in recent weeks have opened Cutler up for criticism at the hands of the national media and his own fans here in Denver. The Broncos have gone 1-2 in October due in part because their explosive offense has suddenly sputtered.

In the last three games, Cutler has gone 61-97 for 587 yards with four touchdowns compared to three interceptions. He has also lost a fumble. One has to ask: why the about-face?

Cutler and the Broncos offense have been bitten by the injury elephant with starters Eddie Royal, Brandon Stokely, Tony Scheffler, and Selvin Young all missing time on the infirmary list. That's not even mentioning number 1 receiver Brandon Marshall's suspension for the first game of the season.

While the offense hasn't been playing with a full deck for much of the team's recent downturn, Cutler will be the last Bronco player to use that as an excuse. When he speaks to the media, he speaks bluntly and with an implicit confidence that borders on arrogance. Though those tools are indispensable for a successful quarterback in the NFL, his comments have gotten him in some hot water in recent weeks.

In a recent Sporting News article, Cutler made a comment that he had a stronger arm than Broncos legend John Elway and refused to back down from the statement even when national media prognosticators more or less told him to keep his mouth shut and back up his statements with his play on the field.

He has also fueled the fire in an ongoing feud with Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers. Rivers was seen jawing at Cutler during the Broncos-Chargers Monday night game last Christmas Eve and Cutler has responded by going public with comments that he doesn't like the way Rivers carries himself on the field.

After the bye week, Cutler will have to try and rejuvenate this offense that has become more of a Jekyll and Hyde act than a run and gun. The Broncos are still in the driver's seat in the AFC West, but they have shown the last few weeks that maybe these players are not quite ready for prime time.

The Diamonds in a Season of Cubic Zirconias

2008-10-22T14:53:00.006-06:00

Though the Colorado Rockies 2008 season wasn't exactly full of feel-good Dennis Quaid-like moments, you might be shocked to hear that the year wasn't all bad. There were epic affairs, back and forth contests, and prime-time performances that temporarily kept the Rockies die-hards from peeking at the team's place in the standings. Here, my friends, are the top five Rockies games from the past season.

1) April 17 vs Padres, Won 2-1 in 22 innings
In the longest game in Major League history since 1993, the Rockies were able to outlast the Padres in a sloppy contest typified by missed opportunities, strikeouts, and a few 7th inning stretches. Here are just a few of the oddball stats to come out of this Citizen Kane of a baseball game:

-The game took 6 hours and 16 minutes to be played, ending about 4:30 in the morning eastern time, which is where I was watching the game out at Kenyon College in Ohio. Screaming obscenities at my computer while watching the game, I repeatedly woke up both my girlfriend and roommate. Needless to say, I slept on the couch the next night.
-The Rockies struck out a franchise-single-game-high 20 times, leading Willy Taveras to try and match that number single-handedly in every game that followed during the season. His apparent rationale: We struck out 20 times and won; why can't it happen more often?
-Taveras also had 10 at bats, another Rockies single-game record. If I had my way, he wouldn't have gotten 10 more at bats the rest of the season.
-Kip Wells got his only win of the season.
-Tulo ran his early season slump to 1-26 before singling in the 20th and then doubling home the winning run in the 22nd. The 2-8 day actually raised his average to .167.
-It was the only game in baseball this season with a 21st inning stretch.

2) May 23 vs Mets, 6-5 win, 13 innings
This game was all Matt Holliday's. Though he only finished the day 2-7, his two hits were the key knocks that led the Rox to this extra-inning victory. Trailing 5-4 in the 9th, the Mets brought in their flame-throwing lefty Billy Wagner to close out the game. Unfortunately for Billy, it wasn't meant to be and for Mets fans, it was a sneak peek at how your ballclub would once again perform a September unraveling. With one out, Big Daddy launched a fastball into the centerfield bleachers, tying the game. Then, in the 13th with two outs and the speedy Johnny Herrera on 2nd, Matt lasered an Aaron Heilman two-seamer into right field to send the Rockies to their first walk-off victory of the year.

3) July 3 vs. Marlins, 6-5 win, 11 innings
This was the first game of back to back fireworks night at Coors Field to celebrate America creeping one year closer to early retirement. The stands were packed with nearly 50,000 fans each night and boy, were they ever treated to some kind of show...and that was even before the skies lit up with the bombs bursting in air. In a back and forth contest that saw both teams hold the lead multiple times before all was said and done, the Rockies had the last at bat and the last laugh as Spilly smacked a bases loaded single with one out in the 11th inning to send the raucous Rockies faithful home happy. But this wasn't all the drama the Rockies would provide on this Fourth of July weekend as the next night would prove to be even more unbelievable.

4) July 4 vs. Marlins, 18-17 win
In this seesaw game that saw the Marlins jump out to a 13-4 lead in the 4th inning, many of the 50,000 red, white, and blue clad Rockies fans were resigned to drink their beer and wait for the fireworks spectacular. The Rockies, however, figured they would play out the last five innings and just see what happened. Fortunately for them, America was on their side and Uncle Sam chose to shoot off his fireworks in a celebratory setting. The comeback began with seven runs for the Rockies in the 5th and 6th innings to cut the lead to 13-12 including a concourse-pounding moonshot from Chris Iannetta. In the 7th, the Marlins seemed to regain control of the game with four runs to pad the lead to 17-12. The Rockies would storm right back in the bottom half the frame when Matt Holliday tattooed a 3-2 fastball from Logan Kensing into the left field bleachers for a grand slam to once again trim down the Marlins lead to one at 17-16. That set the stage for the bottom of the 9th. With the Marlins closer Kevin Gregg on the hill who had absorbed the loss the night before, once again struggled with his control and loaded the bases in a tie ballgame with Chris Iannetta stepping to the plate. With one out and a drawn-in infield, Chris singled through the hole on the left side to score Matt Holliday with the winning run to send the Rockies to their second straight walk-off victory in front of their two biggest crowds of the season. It was the biggest comeback in club history. Fireworks indeed.

5) Aug 24 vs Reds, 4-3 win, 12 innings
This game wasn't one of the best of the year because it was the longest or most exciting. I've already dissected those games already. This extra-inning walk-off win was for the little guy. You know the guy. He comes into work every day, does his business without much fanfare, never complains about contracts or playing time, and is always ready when his number is called. Jamey Carroll fulfilled this role for the Rockies last season and this year, the light-hitting, slick-fielding, utility infielder role was held by Omar Quintanilla. Omar will never set the world on fire with his bat but he can make the routine play as well as the spectacular one in the field. In this game, the Rockies clawed their way back with two runs in the 9th to tie it up. The game went to 11 and Omar, the last man on Clint Hurdle's bench, stepped to the plate facing righty Brad Lincoln. He got a low fastball on the inner half of the plate and the little lefty crushed it over the scoreboard in right for his first career walk-off homer and only the second of his career.

So while this season wasn't all pretty, there were definitely some moments to remember.

The last word on the Broncos bomb

2008-10-21T22:50:00.006-06:00

Ok, I told myself I wasn't going to talk about this game anymore because, let's face it, nobody's that masochistic. I just have a few more things I need to get off my chest before I can get closure with one of the worst games in the history of the Broncos franchise.

I don't think I've ever seen a Mike Shanahan-coached team play so poorly and so undisciplined in all the years that I've been fervently following the Broncos. Yeah, there was a bit of bad luck with the injuries to Cutler and the Brothers Bailey, but overall the team had no attitude, no killer instinct, and from the looks of things, no desire to even put up a fight in front of a national audience.

To me, the biggest play of the game happened when the Broncos were already down 13-0. On 3rd and 16 with the Patriots backed up to their own 8 yard line, the Broncos D forced Cassel out of the pocket and into an incomplete pass. 4th down, right? Ha, simple minded fool. The Broncos wouldn't have it! Jamie Winborn took an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by yanking Cassel's facemask to the ground after he'd already released the ball. If he just stops like a good boy and runs back to the sideline, we're going to get the ball around midfield with the score still respectable. Instead, the penalty gave the Pats a free first down which they used as a catalyst for a touchdown drive, making the score 20-0 at the half. It sucked any defensive momentum you could possibly have had in a 41-7 game, and exemplified the utter ineptitude of the entire contest.

Oh, and what's that line about kicking a guy when he's down? Wait 30 minutes before getting in the pool? No, well, cliched sayings aside Broncos Country discovered today that both Bailey Brothers who left yesterday's game due to injury won't be joining the rest of their Broncos brethren on the playing field anytime soon. Boss injured his knee and will now be doing as much on-field contributing for the rest of the season as everyone here at Frost Brewed Baseball. Champ's groin called for a timeout and he could be shelved for up to a month. That's a good sign, right? Having the best player on the worst defense in football out for a month? Champ's arguably the best cornerback in football and thus far we were still about as successful as Scott Stapp's solo career.

There, I promise I'm done. Moving forward now.

Wow

2008-10-20T20:44:00.004-06:00

Just wow. I can't even begin to start to formulate words, much less complete sentences, about the horrifying display of "football" that I witnessed on the part of the Denver Broncos tonight. This was a very telling game for the Broncos coming in. At 4-2 with a porous D, prognosticators across the country had the Broncos pegged as frauds who could just as easily have been 2-4. With a win, the Broncos would sail into their bye week at 5-2 with a 2 game lead on the Chargers. With a loss, the Broncos would be just another 4-3 team who's simply taking advantage of a weak division and will falter by the time the calendar turns to December. Well, it's not even the 4th quarter and I'm writing this now. That should be a telling enough sign as to how this game went. What went wrong? Shit, what went right?

1) A very inauspicious beginning
How about this as a portent of things to come? On the first play of the game Cutler dropped back to pass, followed through and bashed his right index finger on Vince Wolfork's helmet. Immediately after, Cutler was noticeably favoring the finger and his passes weren't as crisp as usual. He never recovered.

2) Andre Hall
Either I was watching the reincarnation of Tatum Bell putting the ball on the ground for the Broncos or Andre Hall had money on the Patriots. How else do you explain getting two carries and fumbling the ball twice? Shortly after the second fumble, as Hall raced to the bench to look for a shovel and an open patch of land, Shanahan's eyes rolled back in his head, he ripped off his clothes, and grew to nearly four times his normal size. Then, alternating between screaming "Beast mode!" and "Shanny angry!" he picked up the diminutive Hall by the throat and reached into the running back's chest to pull out his still beating heart. No word yet on whether charges will be filed on Shanny.

3) Penalties
We made stupid penalties all game, but none more stupider (yes, that was intentionally bad grammar to point out just how stupid the Broncos played) as when we were down 13-0 and had the Patriots pinned against their own end zone on a 3rd and 17. We forced Cassel out of the pocket and made him throw the ball away. Then, inexplicably, Jamie Winborn saw a bug on Matt Cassel's face. He tried to brush it away, but that pesky facemask was getting in the way. So in trying to help Mr. Cassel, he incidentally pulled Cassel's facemask to the ground. While trying to plead his case to the referee, the bug flew away freely as Winborn said a prayer for it.

4) 5 turnovers
Do I really need an explanation for this one? We had four turnovers when we were on the Patriots 40 yard line each time. 'Nuff said.

5) Defense
New England running back Sammy Morris had a career day rushing for 138 yards, a great day for any rusher. I'm not going to mention that he did all that damage in the first half. No, that would be an insult to our defense. No need to focus on the negatives. Over 260 yards rushing on the day given up is insult enough. Matt Cassel might as well have been Tom Brady throwing for 3 touchdowns and a QB rating of over 4,000. That's a real number. With the Patriots averaging 17 points a game coming in, their offense was obviously under fire to play well. Apparently the cure for a sputtering offense is just to play the Broncos. Just ask Kansas City. Where do you go from here? Detroit?

6) Offense
Cutler getting hurt didn't help. Either did Hall's butterfingers. Pittman ran well but he was pretty obsolete once we went down by 500. Cutler couldn't throw the deep ball and was off on his short passes. Penalties killed us all day, but I'll try not to repeat myself. As the game went on, the offense seemed to play excrementally worse. What am I trying to say? It was shitty.

7) Injuries
Jay's aforementioned injury crippled the offense at the beginning, but Champ Bailey's groin stroin or whatever it was handcuffed our already sieve-like defense. Champ was having a phenomenal game, putting the clamps on Randy Moss to the tune of 1 catch for 9 yards. After Champ exited, Moss blew up with two touchdown catches and 60 yards receiving. Also, Boss found a place on his body that he hadn't hurt yet this year and left with a knee injury. I don't know what other maladies affected our team today. Crotch rot? Scurvy? Rickets? Someone has to have rickets.

The Broncos team has some serious 'splainin to do after that abomination of a performance and we as Broncos fans have to decide whether or not our Broncos are destined for another playoff-less season. Too bad we have 13 days to think about it. This isn't the way you want to head into a bye week. Screw it, I'm done. I'm sick of talking about this game. Where's my Coors?

Week 7 Preview: Broncos at Pats

2008-10-20T10:23:00.006-06:00

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

I GUARANTEE THE BRONCOS WILL BEAT THE PATRIOTS TONIGHT ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.....

.......if all of these things happen.

That'll get everyone's attention.

1) Matt Cassel does not equal Tom Brady
I realize that is a shocking piece of information for everyone reading this article. Aside from desperately trying to sleep with Gisele and posing for every cologne company that will have him, Matt has also tried to read defenses and throw the ball down the field when lining up under center for the Patriots. Tom Brady is very good at all of those things, Matt Cassel is not. Cassel has had a tendency to hold onto the ball too long, allowing the pocket to collapse around him forcing sacks, interceptions, and hurried throws. It was no more apparent than in last week's 30-10 drubbing at the hands of the Chargers. The Bolts' D never let Cassel get comfortable when he dropped back and Cassel didn't show the ability to make adjustments on the fly. If the Broncos new 3-4-4-3 hybrid defense can get people in the backfield to disrupt Cassel's rhythm, I believe the Pats weapons on offense won't be able to successfully make plays.

2) Take advantage of injuries
While the Broncos have their own laundry list of players with the Questionable tag prior to the game (Scheff, Stoke, Selvin), the Patriots will be without their top two running backs in Lawrence Maroney and Lamont Jordan. Even though Bill Beeeelichick inexplicably hates running backs even when he has a couple of good ones, that takes away a facet of their offense. They'll rely on Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris to take the bulk of the carries, two guys that shouldn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of the Broncos D. That being said, the Broncos D hasn't earned the right to take anyone, I will emphasize for effect, ANYONE, for granted.

3) Here's a novel idea: Don't fumble.
I know, right? What a concept. Thus far, the Broncos have been All-World in fumbling at the most inopportune times (is there really an opportune time to fumble?) B-Marsh has been the most culpable by fumbling 3 times and recovering only one. His miscue at the 5 yard line last week completely shifted momentum to the side of the Jaguars who then went on to beat the Broncos in bruising fashion. Marshall has apparently been walking around the Broncos complex this week cradling a football like a newborn child in hopes that he will once again become one with the pigskin. Don't worry that an equipment manager knocked the ball out right before Marshall spoke to the press or anything. Pssshhhtt. Details.

Shanahan's mastery of Belichick has been well documented. Both thought of as two of the brightest coaching minds in football, in head to head matchups, Shanny owns a 5-2 record against Beeelichick's Pats including the 2005 Divisional Playoff win. While the Pats have been sweeping through the rest of the NFL in Belichick's tenure (a ridiculous 102-26 record), they've been unable to figure out the Broncos.

My Prediction: Broncos 31, Pats 24

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 7

2008-10-18T14:28:00.005-06:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Okay, this week I'm going to have to go outside of football because it is just too precious. This doesn't have to be taken out of context at all.

Matt Stairs on his pinch hit home run and, uh, clubhouse camaraderie:
"You get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys. And there's no better feeling than to have that done."

Wow. Just wow. That is precious. And I swear on the life of Pat Robertson I didn't make that up.

__________________________________________________________________

San Diego @ Buffalo

In case you haven't heard, Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch has a blog. For any fans of Shakespeare, Lord Byron, and John Keats, I suggest you go check it out immediately. His style and eloquence are virtual facsimiles for said poets. Here is an honest-to-god verbatim quote:
"i cant find da words to say how happy i am 4 beatin dem bay boys da 1st time i played dem. it was a fun and hella close game... shots out 2 j roc 'jamarcus russell' and d dog 'darren mcfadden'. town biz! lol"
See for yourself. I think my keyboard would collapse before I could put in all the [sic]s. How this guy made it through three years of college should probably be investigated by one of those "witty" crime solvers on NBC or ABC or whatever channel on which those shows are televised.

Winner: onn forff an 1 da bills git daselves a game winnin td. shot outs 2 my mayne boys S 78 Tips "Trent Edwards?" an U R 2 Hella "Dick Jauron"?", BRB!(

New Orleans @ Carolina

Does Drew Brees have a leech on his right cheek at all times, or is it just me? Maybe his family is in some kind of cult that thinks modern medicine is a conspiracy cooked up by the devil. Yes, Drew, that leech will suck the bad six foot tall blood out of you, so that you are left with only 6'4" blood.

Winner: The team of the 6' QB who is on pace to brake the NFL record for passing

Minnesota @ Chicago

Did you see that Bears-Falcons game from last week? Crazy. Kyle Orton must have pounded a lot of alcoholic beverages after that one. Also, I'm glad that everyone forgot that the first 58 minutes of that game were, hyperbole aside, the most boring 58 minutes in the history of existence itself.

Winner: Chicago

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

The Bengals are slowly becoming the next Lions. Neither has won a game this year. Both are painfully poor on defense and in player evaluation. Both have no name starting QBs (at least right now) who make Tyler Thigpen look like John Elway. What I'm saying is, don't choose a vicious feline as your mascot--Carolina Panthers beware!

Winner: Pittsburgh

Tennessee @ Kansas City

Though the Chiefs play to win the game, they are not particularly good at it. If I were Tony Gonzalez, I would want to be traded to anyone. Literally, anyone. The Toronto Argonauts? Pretty please with sugar on top. The Frankfurt Galaxy? Bring it. What? The Frankfurt Galaxy no longer exists? I don't care. Anything is better than playing with this embarrassing offense.

Winner: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Miami

The Baltimore defense got put into place by the suddenly revived Colts. A defense lacking in confidence won't help Unibrow Flacco and his cupcake offense. Flacco has thrown 1 TD and 7 INTs. I think that is roughly the same ratio as Ray Lewis' tackles to prayers. Or is it stabbings to tackles. Hey Ravens, why not try the single wing offense? Everybody's doing it.

Winner: Miami

San Fransisco @ Football Giants

Finally! The real Eli Manning is back. I'm glad 90% of football analysts already declared Elisha better than Peyton (Dear Archie and Olivia Manning, those are girls names). Then Eli became his true self and let the BROWNS intercept him three times. If the BROWNS can intercept him three times, the 49ers can probably pick him four times!

Winner: Football Giants

Dallas @ St. Louis

Ohhhhhh, pohhh wittle Tony Womo bwoke his pinkie. Then Brett Favre wrangled him into trying to play. Now, nobody knows if he's going to play Sunday, except Jerry Jones, apparently. So either Brad Johnson or Romo has to distribute passes to Roy Williams, Terrell Owens and Jason Witten, while they maintain some kind of running game with Marion Barber and first-rounder Felix Jones. Screw you, Dallas. You spoiled jerks have to be breaking the salary cap. (Note: Super Bowl Rings: Brad Johnson - 1. Tony Romo - 0.)

Winner: Dallas

Detroit @ Houston

I hope Rod Marinelli has informed Dan Orlovsky that the object is to move the ball forward, not run it backwards out of the endzone for a safety. Maybe that was Matt Millen's last hurrah--the signing of Dan Orlovsky. Millen's thought process: Take that you stupid city. I have destroyed your football team for years and now, with my one last dying breath, I leave you with Dan Orlovsky! (cackles profusely, then melts into the ground)

Winner: The terrorists. If this game is actually played Sunday, then the terrorists have truly won. I would rather kiss Al Davis' arthritic, wart-covered feet than watch this game (not really). But If I must pick a winner, Houston.

Indianapolis @ Green Bay

Remember Ryan Grant? What a great story he was! A practice squad player who ran his way into everyone's hearts. Well, now he can't run through wet Kleenex. Neither can the Colts, with their last ranked run offense. It's more or less Peyton Manning vs. Aaron Rodgers. Since like two football games is sufficient sample size for every football analyst, Manning is a terrible quarterback and Rodgers is a future hall-of-famer.

Winner: Unfortunately, I think Indy's back (even with a limited Addai). Indy by 10+.

Football Jets @ Oakland

I never thought it could get worse for the Raiders and it has. Oh what a lovely day! JaMarcus Russell has only thrown 200 NFL passes and they have been so awful, I think it is safe to say he is already a bust. Yes, I know I'm supposed to wait three or four years, but whom are we kidding? He sucks. So does Deangelo Hall. So does Javon Walker. At this point I have a love-hate relationship with Al Davis. I hate him, but I love the hijinks with which he runs the team.

Winner: Football Jets

Cleveland @ Washington

Wow, Washington. You lost to the Rams. Jeez. To make matters worse, Kellen Winslow has an infection of nefarious origin. They say in the Army, it is don't ask don't tell, and that's just what Winslow, being a soldier and all, did. So Redskins, keep your uniforms on, wash your hands, stop Jamal Lewis and cover Braylon Edwards and everything should be fine for you.

Winner: Washington

Seattle @ Tampa Bay

When does the frickin' flex schedule start? NBC should not force me and millions of other Americans to watch this game. I guess the Bucs D is kinda good and big ups to my main man Matt Hasselbeck (born in Boulder, CO). Come on, though, nobody wants to see this, not even these team's cities. Everyone in Tampa Bay is focusing on baseball. Everyone in Seattle is fishing or fixing their parasol or something.

Winner: ABC, FOX, CBS and Tampa Bay

Denver @ New England

No Tom Brady. Matt Cassell. Shanahan's record against the Patriots. Young, Royal and Scheffler back (though perhaps not with the frequency of their usual roles). Patriots bandwagon fans leaving Derek Jeter Tiger Woods Roger Federer Thierry Henry Memorial Gillette Stadium completely empty. I don't want to get too overconfident and jinx my favorite team, but this should be similar to an IQ contest between a chimpanzee and Sarah Palin (chimpanzee 40 and Sarah Palin -3).

Winner: Denver

Last Week: 7-7 (I had a rough week)
Overall Record: 37-20

Masterson's Musings: Judgment Day

2008-10-17T13:52:00.003-06:00

So here's what I've been doing the last week:

- I've been dining at gourmet restaurants around the Denver area every night and ordering such "gourmet" items as the Premium Bacon Mac n Cheese in hopes that I will be tricked and that Pizza/Pasta Hut will have switched the restaurants 'sghetti for their own. I've struck out thus far.

- I still can't, in good faith, find the strength inside my soul to root the Red Sox onto victory against the Rays, but my cousin (Justin Masterson) is really making it hard on me. Inserted into the 9th inning in a 7-7 game, in the most crucial inning of the Red Sox season in which Sox manager Terry Francona put his faith in a 23 year old rookie, Justin came through in a big way by working around a hit and an unintentional intentional walk of BJ Upton by inducing a double play ground ball off the bat of Carlos Pena. The Sox capped off their impossible comeback win to stave off elimination in the bottom of the 9th and Justin got the win. His ERA in the ALCS now stands at 1.93 and 2.09 overall in the postseason. As a rookie. He's done more than could have possibly been asked from him and will be a fixture for the Red Sox for years to come......that is unless he gets traded the offseason. Hmmm, I hear that the Sox are in the market for a third baseman with Lowell shelved for an unknown period of time.......I believe the Rockies are shopping their own third baseman in Garrett Atkins.....I think Justin would fit in just fine in the purple pinstripes in Colorado. I'm just sayin.

- As for the Red Sox: seriously, think of another way to win a playoff series. This whole come-from-behind-when-everyone-thinks-you're-dead-thing is getting really old.

- So the Avs finally got their first win of the season last night by trouncing the Philadelphia Phlyers 5-2. Not surprisingly, the Avs finally got a mediocre-plus performance from their goaltender. Not Peter Budaj, the "number 1" starter, but backup Andrew Raycroft. After an abysmal season last year in Toronto, Raycroft, the Calder Trophy Winner in 2004 for Rookie of the Year, showed flashes of brilliance while only facing 18 shots. The only two goals he gave up last night were on a penalty shot and a 5 on 3 power play for the Flyers, two very low percentage opportunities for goaltenders. Every other year, Raycroft has had major success. After his Rookie of the Year campaign, he sucked in 05-06 (8-19, 3.71 Goals Against Average), regained his confidence in Toronto in 06-07 (37-25, 2.99 GAA), and then regressed to the aforementioned abysmalness last year. That means he's due this year. And when the number 1 goalie has surrendered 13 goals in only 74 shots (4.38 GAA, yikes spikes) he should get his number called a few more games a week. At least give him a shot to see what he can do because he looked very sharp last night.

- Why is no one calling Bill Beeeeelichick a genius this year without Tom Brady? Anybody? Bueller?

-The Pats looked Detroit Lion-esque against the Chargers last Sunday night and the Broncos will need to capitalize on the fact that the Pats will most likely not have either of their top two running backs in Lawrence Maroney and Lamont Jordan. Make Matt Cassel beat you. They're not going to be able to run the ball effectively (even on the Broncos D, Elway willing), and Cassel hasn't shown very much skill in reading defenses, getting rid of the ball, or throwing the ball down the field. That being said, the Broncos D hasn't been good at defending any of those things either.

LL Cool Jay Still Hates Philip Rivers

2008-10-17T11:41:00.005-06:00

Well it seems our beloved robot of a quarterback, Jay Cutler, is once again in the news for what comes out of his mouth rather than the numbers he puts up on the field. Last night on the Best Damn Sports Show Period host Chris Rose, in an attempt to bait Jay into saying something he'd regret (like that he has a stronger arm than Denver deity John Elway perhaps?), asked Jay about his icy relationship with San Diego Chargers douche-in-chief Philip Rivers. Instead of being diplomatic about the whole situation and saying the usual stump speech about how Rivers is a great quarterback but they just don't talk much and blah blah blah, the Cut man shot from the hip in the same way he slings footballs on Sundays:

“We're not best of friends at all. We don’t really have a lot of contact with each other, you know, it’s become a nice rivalry," Cutler said. "We’re both younger guys and both on pretty good teams in the same division and get to see each other twice. I’m just not that big of a fan of the guy.” Cutler continued, “I don’t like how he carries himself. I don’t like some of the stuff he does on the field.”

I have to admit, while Cutler shows virtually no emotion when he does anything (I think he could have the same outward appearance when speaking about his grandmother's death as when he talks about a game that we won in which he threw 32 touchdowns), it's what makes him a great quarterback. He doesn't let anything rattle him and he's got unwavering confidence. While he's mastered the cliches of the postgame interview, if you ask him an honest question, he's going to give you an honest answer. That's what happened in the now infamous quote about Elway's arm, and now he's come under fire for it. To be honest, I love that kind of calm arrogance in my quarterback. He thinks he's the best quarterback in football and he believes it so matter-of-factly that you're not really sure that you disagree with him. Is he the best QB in football? Not yet. But I have no doubt that he'll be there within the next few years. Plus, I mean, have you seen Philip Rivers? That guy's a total jackass.

The 5 Games That Truly Defined Our Season

2008-10-13T23:43:00.012-06:00

I promised that I would get to this list. I don't particularly feel any tingle of excitement to relive the 5 worst performances exhibited by the Rockies this season, but hey, I need something to write about to take my mind off the problems of yours, mine, and our Denver Broncos. These will appear chronologically so you can witness first hand the steady decline of the 2007 National League Champion Colorado Rockies.

1. April 4 vs. D-Backs, 8-1 Loss
- This was supposed to be the Rockies coronation as a major player in not only the Denver sports scene, but for the national stage as well. This was the home opener of the National League Champions following our first very successful season. The city was abuzz with Rockies fever and the only prescription was to see their beloved boys in purple take the field and receive their championship rings. The stands were packed, the players were pumped, and an unprecedented air of confidence covered Coors Field. Unfortunately, it was the last time we were to be hopeful the rest of the season. In a game that was supposed to be a thank you letter to the dedicated fans who have stuck by this team when they yearned to even be knocking on mediocrity's door, we sent.......Mark Redman to the hill. That's right. Mark Redman. A journeyman pitcher who had a couple decent starts in our 21 day run to the NL pennant in 2007. He of the 66-80 career win-loss record. Well, he pitched every bit of his career stigma by going 5.2 innings and giving up 5 runs on 9 hits on route to an 8-1 Rockies loss. Micah Owings, who went on to pitch so poorly during the season for the D-Backs that he was traded to the Reds, gave up 2 hits in 6.2 innings and struck out 9 in an unfortunate bit of foreshadowing for the rest of the season for the Rockies. Nobody hit, every Rockies pitcher gave up at least one run, Holliday struck out four times, and we lost to the D-Backs....what would become a trend as we did it 15 more times throughout the course of the year. It was a sad start to a sorry season.

2) May 26 vs Phillies, 20-5 Loss
- It's not that this loss was as devastating as it was spirit-crushing. We were already well into our early season free-fall when Jorge de la Rosa took the hill with one goal in mind.....to be as bad as he wanted to be. Apparently, he wouldn't stop until he reached the suck quotient of High School Musical, Creed, and the American economy combined (too soon?) Staked to a 3-0 lead in the first inning, Jorge proceeded to cough it right back and then some. His final line of 3.1 inn, 7 runs, and 3 walks wasn't the worst line from a starting pitcher this season (see Redman, Mark and Wells, Kip), but it was what followed from the 5 pitchers out of our bullpen that really lit the fuse on the stinkbomb that was our 2008. Those 5 pitchers gave up a combined 13 more runs (and that was with Alberto Arias and Corpas throwing scoreless frames.) There's nothing like praying for the 10 run rule in a Major League baseball game to demoralize an already down and out ballclub.

3) May 30 vs Cubs, 10-9 Loss
- After this game, I immediately turned on my computer and posted a scathing, strictly emotional response to the Rockies heartless defeat. I called this the lowest point of the season and frankly, with the luxury of 4 months of hindsight, I'm not sure I was too wrong. With our ace Aaron Cook on the mound staked to an 8-0 lead which then eventually turned into a 9-1 lead, we blew it. Cook blew it by giving up 7 runs in 6.1, Corpas then proceeded to screw things up royally by surrendering the last 3 runs and the go ahead 2 run jack to Mark DeRosa. That ballooned Manuel's ERA to 6.59 and completely took the bloom off the rose that Corpas laid so beautifully at the foot of the heart-shaped bed we called the 2007 season (was that a bit too eloquent?) My sticking point of why this was the lowest point of the year was this: we did everything possible to lose that ballgame. We hit three home runs, had our ace on the hill, had an 8 run lead and still found a way to lose the contest. How could we go anywhere but up after a defeat like that?

4) August 7 vs Nationals, 6-3 Loss, 6-3 Loss
- No, I'm not repeating myself. Those identical losses to the worst team in the National League in a doubleheader matchup were the cherry on top of the shit sundae that was 2008. The Rockies had somehow found a way to hang around in the National League West race. Yes, it was mostly because everybody else in the division was too busy downloading copies of Metallica albums off Napster, but still. We had just finished a pivotal 10 game road trip with a relatively successful record of 6-4. With 7 games coming up against the lowly Nats and Padres, the two worst teams in the NL, I was thinking to myself that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for this 2008 club to duplicate the late season run of our beloved National League champs. Alas, it was not meant to be....and how. Cook lost the first game, the second game was only saved by an Ian Stewart pinch hit 2 run dinger in the 8th, but then came games 3 and 4. Jeff Francis made his first start in over a month and lost, then Ubaldo trying to unsuccessfully pitch like it was July lost another 6-3 decision. When the Rockies, who had come home with some much needed momentum, couldn't best the immortal Jason Bergmann and Odalis Perez with their three best pitchers on the hill, I knew it was over. I posted the Rockies obituary on this day.

5) September 28 vs D-Backs, 2-1 Loss
- The Rockies had been eliminated for about two weeks at this point, so this wasn't one of those losses that effectively ended our season or anything......except that it was the loss that officially ended our season. I hate losing on the last day of the season. Well, I hate losing in general, but especially when I know I won't be seeing a final score for another 6 months. With as much as I read about sports (obviously the Rockies) it hurts to have to see them with that L in the box score until hope springs eternal. This game wasn't very significant in the grand scheme of things. Ubaldo and Randy Johnson challenged each other to fisticuffs, Marquise de Queensberry Rules, and each held their own for the majority of the ballgame. U-Ball threw 7 scoreless innings with 10 strikeouts and RJ used his power mullet to go the distance, giving up a run and striking out 9. These were not the reasons why this game is on this list. No, we must venture to the 9th to see how this one makes the cut. First, in the 8th, Manny Corpas does his best Manny Corpas impression by giving up a solo homer to Chris Young. Sweet. Then, in the 9th, in the last ballgame of the season, in a tie game, who does Clint send out to the hill but Luis Vizcaino....the biggest disappointment in a season chock full of 'em. Given the largest contract ever given to a relief pitcher in Rockies franchise history, Vizcaino had an ERA over 5 and was never counted on by Hurdle to get any significant outs the entire year until this game. He only subsequently loaded the bases on two walks and a hit then with the count 3-2 to Chris Young, the end of the season hanging on the pitch against a team in which we had a record of 3-16 against, he throws it up and in allowing the winning run to score. There was no more fitting ending to the 2008 season than this one.

Yeah, that wasn't fun to do, but I at least hope it was fun to read.

Next up, the 5 best games of 2008.

Rockies Awards

2008-10-13T19:37:00.006-06:00

So for my Rockies awards, I’m going to go through a list of all the players who made significant contributions to the Rockies and give them an award. Maybe it will help them feel better about themselves, because if I was on the Rockies, I’d be depressed.

Taylor Buchholz – The Gary Busey Award for the player who looks like he needs to lay off the uppers.

Aaron Cook – The Ron Howard Award for most ginger player.

Manual Corpas – The Adam Sandler Award for starting out crappy, getting good, then becoming crappy again.

Jorge De La Rosa – The Nicolas Cage Award for interchanging great performances with travesties. (Don't get me wrong, I love Con Air. It's just the southern accent that was so bad it gave cancer to plenty of very cute puppies)

Jeff Francis – The Gary Coleman Award for the player who never went through puberty.

Brian “T-Rex” Fuentes – The Dr. Alan Grant Award for player whose “visual acuity is based on movement.”

Jason Grilli – The John Turturro Award for the player who is pretty good, despite the fact that nobody has ever heard of them.

Matt Herges – The Shawne Merriman Award for the player whose performance was best enhanced by outside sources, but broke down once they could no longer use those performance enhancers.

Ubaldo Jimenez – The Best Pitcher Award for the best pitcher on the team. Nice and simple.

Greg Reynolds – The Brian Griese Award for playing severely below expectations.

Ryan Speier – The Harry Dean Stanton Award for the player who most resembles a good character actor. That is, the player that completes the team, but never really stands out.

Luis Vizcaino – The Frank Caliendo Award for the player who most makes you wonder why anybody would pay them to do anything.

Chris Iannetta – The Antithesis of Ian Malcolm Award for the player who most exhibits a deplorable lack of personality. Seriously, have you seen him get interviewed? I’d rather watch a VH1 Behind the Music of a Christian adult contemporary band.

Yorvit Torrealba – The Yourhighness Morgan Award for the player whose parents exhibited the most courage whilst filling out their birth certificate.

Garrett Atkins -The '06 Justin Morneau Award for the player whose RsBI makes him look much better than he actually is.

Clint Barmes - The Kenny Chesney Award for willingness to walk up to the plate listening to Kenny Chesney.

Todd Helton - Oh, wait, he didn't make a significant contribution to the team. His $15 mil is reward enough.

Ian Stewart - The Rookie of the Year Award for... being... the... Rookie of the Year?

Troy Tulowitzki - The Jose Theodore Award for maybe you should lay off the booze, chicks and Maseratis and focus on playing the sport for which you are paid. (He fixed it in the second half)

Brad Hawpe - The Willem Defoe Award for the player who progressed from being a platoon player to being an everyday player.

Matt Holliday - The Most Valuable Player for the player who best exhibits willful baldness.

Willy Taveras - The Rob Schneider Award for the player who is just plain awful.

Jack-ed Up

2008-10-12T21:26:00.004-06:00

Ugh, where do we begin? With the inconsistent offense? The shoddy defense? The inexplicable inability to start and finish a play with the football in the hands of the same person? It was a very poor showing on both sides of the ball in today's 24-17 loss to Jacksonville. How the game was still that close remains to be dissected, but that score doesn't fully explain how the Broncos got taken down today. You will not win games in the NFL by fumbling on the other team's 5 yard line, nor fumbling the play immediately after you just recovered a fumble of your own after having a flawless drive to start the game. Too specific? Fine, let's go to the videotape...

-Through the first 3 weeks, the O was a go, the last 3 the O's been a no show. Oh sure, it started out hot today driving 80 yards in 8 plays for a touchdown on the opening drive with the Jay Man going 7-7, but after that it simply disintegrated into a series of turnovers, 3 and outs, and building frustration. Opposing defenses are starting to lock in to the fact that Jay Cutler takes the snap, stares straight at Brandon Marshall, blows kisses to him, texts him a message like "omg, run a post, lol," and then throws him the ball regardless of how many defenders are blanketing Marshall at the time. Jay has other receiving weapons, but you wouldn't know it by the sheer volume of passes headed Marshall's way. Yes, Marshall is one of the best receivers in the league, but he's not going to be open every single play, no matter how good he is. Jay needs to adjust to the defense's tendencies the way defenses are adjusting to his.

- I had no idea that fumbling was going out of style until I watched the Broncos play football in the first half. Then, as I saw three straight possessions end in turnovers (fumble, interception, fumble) including the final fumble on the Jaguars 5 yard line as we were about to go up 14-3, I suddenly understood what was going on. The Broncos, realizing the fumbling fad was fading, felt the urge to give it one last hurrah and send the trend out in style. Once I convinced myself that's what they were doing, I felt a little better about it.............not.

-To the defense's credit, they did make some stops when they needed to. After Graham's TD catch with 8 minutes left, we were only down 24-17 and the defense followed by stopping the Jags on 3 plays, giving the ball back to our offense to try and tie the game. Yeah, it was a nice gesture, but the offense apparently didn't feel too keen on returning the favor, matching the Jags with a 3 and out of their very own. That pretty much sealed the deal and handed us a much-deserved second loss on the season.

-It wasn't all bad, though. Just a good chunk of it. Michael Pittman, given a chance to take the bulk of the carries for Shanny's offense for the first time all year, responded with a resounding "huzzah!" by gashing the Jags D for 109 yards on 20 carries, the first Bronco back to break the century mark in 2008. The Pitt-Man is a bruising ball carrier who pounded out yards and bowled over defenders all day. He's proving that he's not only skilled as a short yardage and receiving back, but that he can handle a full workload every Sunday. Today was the most carries Pittman had had in a game since 2004 and with the success he had today, you can bet Shanny will be penciling Pittman in for a few more carries in next Monday's bout with the Patriots.

-Maurice Jones-Drew-Stamos-Jean-King disrespected the Broncos and their fans in our own house today twice by mocking our Mile High Salute made famous by the incomparable Terrell Davis. News flash for the little guy: You, sir, are no Terrell Davis. You never were, and you never will be. TD had something that you don't (besides about 8 inches and actual skill as a running back): class. TD never showed anybody up, never backed down from anybody, and never had to act out to prove he was better than everyone else. He let his play speak for him and that's how he is one of only four NFL players in history to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season. You think you have a chip on your shoulder because you were drafted in the second round? Big deal. TD was an unknown 6th rounder who ended up as one of the greatest running backs in history. You? You'll be lucky to sniff the Pro Bowl this year. Take a cue from your better half (Fred Taylor) and do as he does. Shut your mouth and play football.

Our next matchup puts us in New England next Monday Night to take on the punchless Pats who looked awfully disjointed against the Chargers today. Matt Cassel is definitely no Tom Brady, hell, he's barely a Tyler Thigpen. The Pats still have weapons, but they're not the seemingly invincible team of a year ago. I still have us at 5-2 heading into our bye week. Plus, Shanahan loves outsmarting Bill Beeeeeelichick.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 6

2008-10-11T11:57:00.005-06:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Brandon Marshall on why Jay Cutler made those McDonald's commercials, while simultaneously trying to prove to skeptics that Cutler is not a robot:

"He made them pay. He wouldn't be human if he didn't."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Chicago @ Atlanta

Kyle “The Defense Prescient-in-ator” Orton is stomping the yard on defenses. Seriously. This world is coming to an end. It's almost like Elisha Manning won a Super Bowl or something.

Winner: Atlanta. Yes, I am picking the Atlanta Falcons to win a game.

Miami @ Houston

Wildcat! The Miami offense Wildcat! Texan’s offensive Wildcat! Tony Wildcat! Kubiak Wildcat! Wildcat! Wildcat! The big questions are Wildcat! And Wildcat! Wildcat! If you watched the Wildcat! game on CBS last Wildcat! then you know Wildcat! what I’m talking Wildcat! about. Wildcat!

Winner: Wildcat! (May I remind you I picked the Dolphins to win last week against the Chargers)

Baltimore @ Indianapolis

-Dude, brah, like, the starting quarterback, brah, for the Baltimore Ravens, brah, for the rest of the year, brah, is going to be Joe Flacco, brah.

-Brah, that’s the balls, brah.

-No, brah, it’s the tits, brah.

-Brah, you are not brah, dawg, brah.

-WTF, brah, I’m brah as bro, brah.

Winner: Indianapolis (I had nothing for this caption)

Detroit @ Minnesota

Ya darn tootin’! Minnesohhhhta! Steve Buscemi will have 24 receptions for 478 yarhhhds and 65 touchdowns, you betcha! Since there are so many non-zoo lions in Detroit, I don’t know how Adrian Peterson will escape Simba, except via punching Scar in the children-makers.

Winner: Minnesohhhhhhta

Oakland @ N’leans

N’leans has a n’sty o’ense that s’res a l’t o’ p’ts. Drew Brees will th’rw f’r a l’t y’rds. And, more importantly, Roger Moore will jump on a lot of crocodiles. D’c M’ca’ls’tr’ is back so they can run the football again. Caaaarazzzy!

Winner: N’l’n’s

Cincinnati @ Football Jets

I could do Marvin Lewis’ job. Seriously. Manage upper class convicts? Easy. Pretend to be an NFL team? Like stealing candy from a orphaned baby. They signed Cedrick “My Party’s in International Waters” Benson. Why not Travis Henry? All he wanted was a year’s supply of nose candy.

Winner: Football Jets

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Brian Griese is questionable after Champion Bailey rocked him in the face. So will Jeff Garcia start? With he and Jon Gruden's icy relationship, maybe Gruden will ask Steve Smith to punch Garcia in the face.

Winner: Carolina

St. Louis @ Washington

The Football Native Americans had a big win last week over Philadelphia. Who would have thought the Redskins would be good? Well, against the Rams' high school team, it should be a breeze for the skins. If the Rams lose again, maybe they will have to fire the whole team via phone call at three in the morning, just like with Linehan.

Winner: Washington

Jacksonville @ Denver

Jay Cutler apparently throws "hands down" harder than John Elway and "no question" harder than Troy Tulowitzki. He's quite humble for a robot. Cutler also said that he makes Joe Montana "look like a bitch" and that he "craps prettier than Johnny Unitas playing QB." Keep your head small, LL Cool Jay.

Winner: Denver

Dallas @ Arizona

As long as Kurt Warner doesn't retire halfway through the game, this might actually be a real game. Last week, the Cowboys almost lost to the Bengals. THE BENGALS. Jessica Simpson must be doing the offensive play-calling for the Cowboys.

Winner: Dallas (though it will be close)

Philadelphia @ San Fransisco

Everybody's favorite preseason pick, the Eagles, are floundering. That's right. I said floundering in reference to a football team. And the 49ers don't look devastatingly awful. Plus, Donovan McNabb thinks Brian Westbrook's injury is "embarassing" and puked because of it.

Winner: Somehow the 49ers

Green Bay @ Seattle

Mike Holmgren really wants to go out on top. In his supposed last year, he might lead the Seawawks to 4 wins. Oddly enough, that will probably be enough to win the NFC West by at least two games.

Winner: Green Bay

New England @ San Diego

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. With the Patriots entire offense starting a boy band (or getting hurt), and the Chargers entire defense out with 'roid injuries, this game will be a lot less interesting than the Sunday Night Football producers anticipated.

Winner: Chargers

Football Giants @ Cleveland

Juliet has had an entire bye week to get his team to not suck. Maybe it will have to entail starting the perennially overrated Brady Quinn. Quinn reportedly said that he will call Crennel a "homo" if he isn't the starter for this game.

Winner: Football Giants by a landslide

Last Week: 10-4
Overall: 30-13

Masterson's Musings: Return of the Jedi

2008-10-09T23:11:00.003-06:00

- Thank Elway for the new South Park episode completely validating everyone here at Frost Brewed Baseball's opinions of the new Indiana Jones movie. Though we didn't take our criticisms as far as Trey Parker and Matt Stone did, we agree wholeheartedly nonetheless.

- To everyone who thinks that Ryan Howard should be the NL MVP because he led the NL in HRs and RBIs (but hit .250)......don't watch baseball anymore because you obviously have no idea how the game works or what it takes to be the best player in your league. Go live on an island somewhere where you're unable to follow the game or get internet access (no matter what Bill Curtis tells you) because you're a horrible fan of the game and should be banned from watching the sport altogether. Albert Pujols is the hands-down pick to win the MVP this year (.357, 37, 116 with a .462 obp on a team that has literally no other offensive threat or pitching to speak of.) Anyone who votes against him is un-American and slits the necks of baby seals on top of Old Glory.

- While watching Game 1 of the NLCS tonight (and pouring out a cold one in remembrance of what we were doing at this time last year,) I was marveling at Joe Buck trying to explain how Manny Ramirez had transformed the Dodgers from an also-ran into a playoff team. In one sentence he said that the Dodgers had finished with an 84-78 record, 15th among Major League teams. Maybe two sentences later he made the statement that until Manny arrived on the LA scene, the Dodgers were a .500 team.............last time I checked 84 wins wasn't really that far off from a .500 team. In fact, it's about 3 wins. Yeah, Manny hit a ton when he got to California, but he didn't really make the Dodgers that much better of a team alone. Andre Ethier started hitting everything from here to Kathmandu and you could easily argue that Greg Maddux had a much stronger influence on the pitching staff than Manny had on the Dodger hitters (you really think Jeff Kent would take time off his motorcycle riding, wrist breaking, teammate pushing schedule to listen to a guy with 500 homers?) Maddux, one of the greatest pitchers of all time, has had a calming effect on everyone on that staff. Derek Lowe thinks it's 2004, Chad Billingsley has harnessed his immense talent, hell, even Hiroki Kuroda has stopped doing his Hideki Irabu impression since Maddux joined Los Doyers. Here's what I'm getting at: Manny sucks. Maddux is smart. Joe Buck says contradictory things.

-The Avs had their opening game tonight (yeah, that's right, hockey's back...you had no idea it was gone, did you?) Well, good thing the offense showed up because we might as well have played with an empty net. We still lost 5-4 but at least our O showed some skill. Peter Budaj, however, should be perusing the want ads come tomorrow morning. Here's the deal: We've given this guy a chance, many chances in fact, to be our number 1 goaltender and he has never taken the initiative and ran with it. Hell, even Jose Theodore came around when given the reins last year. Tonight, we outshot the Bruins 39-20, but still came up on the losing end. 5 goals on 20 shots? Couldn't we just stick a fat guy between the pipes and reap the same results? What's Roseanne doing nowadays? I'm sure she's free.

-So the Rockies decided to fire pretty much all of their coaches? Most, but not all. In fact, only pitching coach Bob Apodaca and first base coach Glenallen Hill were spared. I have to wonder why them? With the pitching suffering the way it did this year, why didn't Apodaca get the axe? The hitting slumped and hitting coach Alan Cockrell got canned. Did O'Dowd just throw a bunch of darts at a board with all the coaches names on it? Shouldn't the firings have started with Clint and ended with Hurdle? In any other city he'd have been fired 5 years ago. But not here, we don't seem to care enough to make any major changes. We'll just sit on our laurels of our World Series appearance from a year ago and think that our fans are dumb enough to not notice/care.

-I'm only rooting for my cousin to do well in the Red Sox/Rays series. I can't in good faith root for the Red Sox after what they did to my Rockies and Indians last fall. Though it would be cool to see a World Series ring in person.

...and 5 to grow on!

2008-10-09T19:02:00.006-06:00

Well, I already outlined the 5 main reasons the Colorado Rockies sucked in 2008, I would be remiss if I didn't come up with a tidy little list of a few things the Rockies actually did well this year. No, really, there were 5 things. I promise you there will be no repeats.......probably.

1) Tulo's 2nd Half
- Tulo's 1st half was at the top of the Things-That-Sucked-List, so it's only fitting that Tulo's second half be at the top of this one. Tulo's second half basically begins when he returned from the disabled list for second time (after getting into a bar brawl with one of his bats and losing...badly) on July 21. At the time he was hitting .166 with 3 home runs and 15 rbis. Not quite MVP worthy if you ask me. In that July 21 game against the Dodgers, Tulo announced his prescence with authority with a 5-5 game, raising his average 34 points in only one game. From that point on, Tulo had himself a hell of a season hitting .335 the rest of the way and picking up his power pace a bit by clubbing 6 homers and knocking in 32 runs. His final stat line of .263, 8, 46 nears David Eckstein territory for uselessness (unless you count "being a gamer" as usefulness) compared to his monster 2007 numbers (.299, 24, 97), but to see how abysmal Tulo was at the beginning of the season, dealing with his injuries (some self inflicted), and bouncing back to have a second half that we came to expect in the short time we've known Tulo was a huge relief to Rockies fans and front office alike. Now that he knows how to handle adversity for the first time in his career, he's going to be better for it when 2009 rolls around.

2) The emergence of the Young Guns
- Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about Chris Iannetta, Ian Stewart, and Ubaldo Jimenez (What? You thought I meant Charlie Sheen, Emilio, and Kiefer? Pssshhh). Those three guys were big question marks coming into the 2008 season. Chris was the Opening Day starter last year, but ineffectiveness and lofty expectations ultimately led to his demotion to the Springs for a brief period to get his confidence back. Though he showed some pop at the end of last season in his return, he was still stuck behind Yorvit "Mr. "Clutch"" (yeah, quotations in quotations) Torrealba in the depth chart. Everyone here at Frost Brewed Baseball realized early on in the year that Iannetta was ready to be a productive member of the ballclub when he was outhitting Torrealba in half the at bats. Once Hurdle finally realized it too, Iannetta took off. He finished the year 5th in home runs among catchers (18), 8th in RBIs (65), 2nd in on base percentage (.390), and didn't commit an error the entire season behind the plate. The upper echelon of catchers in the big leagues (Mauer, McCann, Martin) might have a new member.

King Stew had always had pounds of potential but had never turned that promise into production at the Major League level. Some in the organization were wondering whether or not he would ever be the player they thought he'd be. Those worries were allieved this year as soon as Ian saw consistent at bats when Helton went down for the season. Garrett moved to first to make way for Stew Daddy and Stewart responded with power and defense. A late season slide masked the outstanding season this kid had in the 2nd half. His final numbers of (.259, 10, 41) don't show just how impressive Stewart was this year. On top of his highlight reel defense, Stew slugged huge home runs and hit lefties at a ridiculous .370 clip. He should be a cornerstone of our infield for years to come (and will probably necessitate the need to move Atkins to another team.)

No one knew what to expect from Ubaldo this year. He'd had success near the end of the season and in the playoffs, but he was still only 24. When he started out 1-7, the critics were ready to write off Jimenez as a flash in the pan. A million dollar arm and a 5 cent head to quote Bull Durham. Then the calendar turned to July and all of a sudden Jimenez was nearly flawless. His fastball was hard and biting, his slider made hitters flail helplessly, and his command was spotless. He went 5-1 in the month with a 1.74 ERA and cemented his spot at number 2 in our rotation. Though his August was a bit of a setback, he finished the season strong with a 2.90 ERA in the month of September ending the season with a hard-fought 12-12 record and 3.99 ERA. Though it was a bit up and down, this kid is going to be fun to watch for years to come with that 100 mph heat.

3) Cookie's career year
- For a while Aaron Cook's season looked destined to be the best in the entire history of the Rockies franchise. He had 16 wins by the time they calendar turned to September, one short of the Rockies record, but a high volume of innings pitched eventually caught up to the red-headed right hander and he was forced to miss a few starts down the stretch. The ones he did start however, Cook looked like a shell of the pitcher we'd seen at the start of the year. Nevertheless, Cook had one of the finest years of any pitcher in the history of the ballclub. Signed to a contract extension in the offseason, he was one of the only players that the front office invested in that actually earned his paycheck in 2008. He finished the year at 16-9 with a 3.96 ERA but those numbers don't tell the story of how dominant Cook was for the majority of the season. He played the roll of stopper early on in the year rolling off 6 straight wins, most of them after Rockies losses. He was even the second Rockies starting pitcher to be selected to the National League All Star Team (the other being everybody's favorite $121 million man, Mike Hampton in 2001), and responded by throwing 3 shutout innings in said All Star game (including a magic act after the AL loaded the bases with nobody out thanks to Dan "My Fielding Is" Uggla's 2 consecutive errors.) Though his performance was historic, he ultimately paid the price by not responding well after the break and having to sit out with lower back pain. Cook finally pitched like the ace he was supposed to be and we'll look for that sinker to dominate next season as well.

4) T Rex's Total Domination
- Though he came into the season as the set up man due to Manny Corpas' unreal 2nd half last season, Brian Fuentes had the kind of year that guys can go their whole careers without having. Thrust back into the closer's role after Corpas had his Fuentes-esque meltdown to start the year, Brian responded by saving 30 games, his 4th consecutive season with at least 20. At one point, he saved 17 consecutive games including a stretch between August 15-September 17 where in 13 innings, he gave up 3 hits, walked 2, and struck out 24. He was so unbelievably unhittable that he made Rockies fans forget his, ahem, "hiccup" on last year's disastrous 1-9 road trip at the end of June. Most everyone agrees that it's a foregone conclusion that Fuentes will be a goner this offseason, that he will command too big of a contract for the penny-pinching Rockies to afford. Plus, they say they already have a bona-fide Major League closer in Manny Corpas. Or are they only saying that because they're set to pay Manny $5.5 million this year and don't want to be paying that kind of money to a set up man? In my opinion, we need Fuentes. He's the franchise's all time leader in saves and has the makeup and stuff to still dominate the 9th inning for years to come. He's much more important to me than Atkins, who is easily expendable and a good piece of trade bait if we can land a quality starting pitcher. He's replaceable. Fuentes is not and it will be a shame if the Rockies front office doesn't at least make a decent attempt to re-sign T-Rex.

5)..................
- I got this. I know there has to be a 5th positive from this season. Hawpe had a pretty sweet year and finally started to hit lefties (.282 average, 6 hrs.) Barmes proved himself to be a quality option at second base (at least until EY, Jr or Corey Wimberley are ready to make an impact.) Taylor Buchholz was nearly unhittable in the setup role (6-6, 2.17 ERA), and Jason Grilli stepped up to provide some solid innings late in the game. There, there's a few things that went well. Livan Hernandez won't be on the team next year! That's another one. That's all I have right now. Be grateful I found 4.

Coming up, the worst 5 games of 2008.

Bucc-ing a Trend

2008-10-06T20:43:00.007-06:00

There are many things I thought Sunday's Broncos-Bucs game would be: the Return of the King (ok, Brian Griese), a final funeral for our frustrating defense, a re-awakening of our powerful offense, 72 and sunny, many things..........but a defensive struggle was probably last on my list of options for the Broncos 16-13 victory on a bit of a chilly Sunday in Denver.

1) Ohhhh, THAT'S what those 11 guys on the other side of the ball were for....
Defense! What a concept! It was like 11 light bulbs clicked on in 11 different guys' heads and they all of a sudden realized "Shit, my contract isn't guaranteed, I better start tackling guys." And tackle they did. 3 sacks, 168 passing yards against, only 1 touchdown, an interception, and a season low 13 points allowed. The D dealt crushing blows to Brian Griese among others and left the Tampa O in a state of tropical depression. After allowing 38, 32, and 33 points in the previous three games, only giving up 13 points was like a gift from the big Elway up in the sky. This game could have definitely been much more of a blowout too if Marcus Thomas hadn't tried to channel his inner Terrell Davis after his impressive interception in the 4th quarter. If Thomas just falls over, which I'm sure he's better at that than he is at running, we get the ball with a 16-6 lead, 5 minutes left, and the ball on the Tampa 20. We score a touchdown and it's 23-6 and there are no anxious fans, no Jeff Garcia-led scoring drive, and no reasons to speak ill of the Broncos, even if you're Bernie Lincicome (seriously, somebody go hug this guy and maybe he'll stop being so damn negative and gloomy.) On the other hand, if my aunt had two nuts she'd be my uncle, so these hypothetical scenarios aren't conducive to cutting-edge analysis. Um......don't tell anyone.

2) The O did.....stuff?
The Broncos offense was efficient if unspectacular against the Bucs. The Tampa defense was probably the best we're going to see all season. They're agile, hostile, and they don't take no crap from nobody, like Yul Brynner. Yet, the Broncos were able to move the ball down the field occasionally when they needed to, though they mostly failed when the team hit the red zone for the second consecutive week. It's tough to explain what's going on with the O when they get close to the end zone, but I'm a bit worried since it's one of the main reasons our offense failed to score points last season. The key to the Cut-man's offensive skill set is his ability to throw the ball down the field, throw it hard, and throw it well. With the Tampa Two D, they have their two safeties backpedal and stay true to their respective sides of the field. That leaves the downfield option a much more difficult endeavor. Cutler had a very professional performance. He didn't try to force the ball into coverage the way he did against the Chiefs and he took the short checkdown receptions to his running backs as long as the Bucs D was going to give them to him. 23-34 for 227 yards isn't going to make the national media stand up and take notice, but it got the Broncos their 4th win of the season and showed his ability to bounce back after that abysmal start against the Chiefs.

3) Jason.....who?
Ok, I know Jason Elam is one of the most prolific Broncos of all time and will surely wear the orange and blue into the Hall of Fame one day, but this undrafted kid we got to replace him sure can kick it. The Praternator was 3-3 on field goals on the day including a 55 yarder that probably would've been good from 70. He was also 4-5 in kicking touchbacks which helped the defense in their quest to not suck for at least one game this season. He's 12-13 in field goals on the year including 4-4 from 50+ yards. Tampa coach John Gruden couldn't say enough about how awesome Prater was, and I'm pretty much in total agreement with him. Once he gets that clutch 4th quarter kick that made Elam famous here in Broncos Country, he's going to make a lot of people forget our franchise's leading scorer.

Entering arguably the toughest stretch of our season with Tampa, Jacksonville, and the Patriots on Monday night, we started off with, well, not really a flourish but at least we finished a game again with more points than the other team. At the end of the day, that really is the most important stat. Jacksonville next week won't be an easy task with their two headed beast of a running attack of Fred Taylor and Maurice Jones-Drew-Stamos, but if the Broncos D can remember what it felt like to get praised for their play, they might want to get hooked on a feeling.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 5

2008-10-02T16:39:00.007-06:00

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Mike Shanahan on his addiction to tanning salons:

"If I have a problem, then that's a problem that I want to have."

Actually that was about Jay Cutler's propensity for throwing downfield, but they're pretty much interchangeable.
___________________________________________________________________

Well, this is the third installment of my football pickery. It doesn't really offer any insights, it's more or less an excuse for me to write dumb jokes. Since I enjoy doing it, I will continue:

Tennessee @ Baltimore

Holy effing ess, you guys. Vince Young practiced on Wednesday. Now the Titans have the hottest new QB controversy in football, according to US Weekly. Okay, everybody. The Titans two main QBs are Vince Young and Kerry Collins. Seriously? QB controversy? The controversy should be how the Titans have won any games with Vince Young and Kerry Collins as their QB. PEDs? Stealing signals? Wearing mustaches? At what game are you playing, Mr. Fisher? If that is your real name.

Winner: Tennessee

Kansas City @ Carolina

This game should be about as exciting as watching water evaporate in super slow motion. My solution to the bore fest? Have the Chiefs install a three quarterback offense with Huard, Thigpen and Croyle. To whom will the ball be snapped? Who will be able to complete a pass? After last week's outbreak against the Broncos "defense," the Chiefs O will be at an all-time high. In other words, they're expecting one field goal.

Winner: Carolina

Chicago @ Detroit

Make way for Lord Rudi Johnson, the savior of the kingdom. Johnson has reportedly held out until he can recover his Gucci bag and underwear from Tatum Bell. Perhaps is his first move as interim GM, Martin Mayhew should trade his entire defense for a Gucci bag. A defense of nobody probably wouldn't be much worse than the Lions' current unit, which is surrendering 37.7 points per game.

Winner: The Bears' Offense

Atlanta @ Green Bay

Brett Favre plays through injuries. Brett Favre plays through his father's death. Though it wasn't televised, Brett Favre probably played through 9/11. Brett Favre played through Pearl Harbor. And Aaron Rodgers' shoulder is a little sore? Come on. What better way to win over your Favre-loving home fans than beating the vaunted Atlanta Falcons toward the beginning of the regular season at home? Okay, there are about 987 better ways.

Winner: Green Bay

Indianapolis @ Houston

"So, Gary Kubiak is fighting for his job. Fighting would be a lot easier with a gun. Marvin Harrison knows about guns. Guns, Germs, and Steel was a book written by Jared Diamond. Diamonds are worn on rings. Most of the players on the Colts have a Super Bowl ring. If we give the alien a cold..." My thanks to special guest celebrity, Jeff Goldblum, for that caption.

Winner: Indianapolis

San Diego @ Miami

Head coach Tony Sparano, after watching tape from their game against New England, has decided to bring the option offense to the NFL, with Ronnie Brown as their quarterback. Brown, after all, has a higher passer rating than Chad Pennington and only one less touchdown pass. The real question, though, is not Brown's abilities as a passer, it's if he can handle being sideline berated by Philip "the sun is in my eyes, bro" Rivers.

Winner: Miami (not joking)

Seattle @ NY Football Giants

So, apparently Plaxico Burress got suspended by the team for being a dick and not attending meetings and stuff. How was Jeremy Shockey not suspended every game for being a dick? I know you can't be a true patriot without having American flags and eagles tattooed all over your arms. But, seriously... Jeremy Shockey. Maybe the Saints should suspend him for wearing too many Affliction t-shirts. What? Jeremy Shockey isn't even playing in this game? Whatever.

Winner: Football Giants

Washington @ Philadelphia

The Redskins broke out last week against the team that everyone thought was the best in football. Now they have to face a Phillies defense that pillages running backs. Plus, there are rumors speculating that the Phillies run D will get even better with Andy Reid at Nose Tackle/Designated Butt-Patter. Of course, Reid will have to pass through league drug tests first.

Winner: Phillies

Tampa Bay @ Denver

The return of Brian Griese! All hail the glorious king! Mike Shanahan's defensive scheme: a golden retriever. Jon Gruden's defensive scheme: quadruple team Brandon Marshall. With both offenses completely shut down, expect a lot of turnovers and maybe one field goal off a turnover.

Winner: Denver 3, Tampa Bay 0

Buffalo @ Arizona

Arizona had a fairy tale defense for the first three games. Then the New York Favres embarrassed them, scoring 56 points. Now they are just fairies. For symmetry, Ken Whisenhunt might try having Matt Leinart throw some fairy passes for the offense.

Winner: Southern Toronto Bills

Cincinnati @ Dallas

Poor little TO needs more passes. He only has twice as many TD receptions as any other Cowboy and on basically every play Romo just stares at TO and if he can't somehow throw it to him, he dumps it off to Jason Witten. Chad Ocho Cinco, or whatever the hell his name is, has said he will celebrate a touchdown on the star in the middle of the field. Maybe Terrell Owens should celebrate by taking a dump on Chad Johnson. I think everyone, including most Bengals, would approve of that celebration.

Winner: Dallas

New England @ San Fransisco

So it's Matt Cassell against J. T. O'Sullivan. I thought this was supposed to be professional football. With the hardcore loyalty of Patriots fans, their is probably no reason to broadcast this game in New England. Right now, there are probably more J. T. O'Sullivan fans in the world than Patriots fans. Aren't bandwagons fun?

Winner: New England

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

Hey, Mike Tomlin. I hear you're hiring at the running back position. I'm available for the position. I'm 5'11" and 165 lbs. I'm a hard-working go-getter. I have lots of experience playing football at recess in elementary school. Send me a text message if you're interested in my services.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Minnesota @ New Orleans

Monday Night Football sure can pick them. At what point are the Vikings going to take their QBs out in the woods with a rifle? They could probably gain as much, or more, yardage by just giving Adrian Peterson the ball on every play. I got ten bucks saying Tony Kornheiser mentions Brett Favre at least 30 times during this game.

Winner: New Orleans

Last Week: 9-4
Overall: 20-9

The Steve Phillips Awards*

2008-10-02T13:51:00.014-06:00

*The Steve Phillips Awards (patent pending) are a set of honors for the players, coaches and front office members who most exhibit stupid "skills" in baseball, which, more often than not, anachronistic baseball writers and analysts value highly.

Most Talented Dugout Puppet of the Year (or Manager of the Year)

How blasphemous of me to mock a manager's influence on a game. Well, I'm kinda of the opinion that the players do most of the baseball playing. Most. So, for this year's Most Talented Dugout Puppet, I have to go with Ron Gardenhire. His team had no business winning 70 games, let alone 88. Unfortunately, Ozzie Guillen managed the fuck out of Gardenhire in the play-in game. Guillen's pinch running of Brian Anderson completely changed the dynamic of the game. Did you see when he caught the final out? That pretty much won the game by itself. Ozzie Guillen is a brilliant mastermind. I mean Dewayne Wise is a much better hitter than Nick Swisher. Can you tell I'm being sarcastic?

Driven Cologne Clutch Performer of the Year

Stephen Drew (sort the clutch column on the right). Stephen Drew! He must have been eating Clutch-O's (patent also pending) for breakfast this season. More than any hitter in baseball, Drew increased from his average production in "clutch" situations. Move over Derek Jeter, here comes Stephen Drew. If Drew can be "clutch," I will forever and always believe in clutch hitting. I should change these to the Sarcasm Awards, but then I might get Bronze, or Best Live Action Short.

David Eckstein Memorial Gamer of the Year

Though technically David Eckstein should always win the award, I figure variety is best. As much as I'd like to give this awards to the entire Dodgers team, I suppose I should choose one player. Jeff Francouoeuoueuoer is a good choice, since he was one of the least valuable players in baseball, but still gamed out 653 plate appearances. The problem is he is too "talented." So, I'll go with Khalil Greene. He's untalented and white. Alas, I wish he was 5'3" and had a beard, but his incredibly awful year hitting and, to some degree, fielding is enough. He went out there for 105 games and played his ass off to no avail. Now, that's what I call a gamer.

Executive of the Year

The winner of this award is whoever can explain to me how you can boil and executive's abilities down to one year. Everyone talks about Ned Colletti and Andrew Friedman. Well, Friedman's work was all done in the last 5-6 years trading for and drafting all of his players. Ned Colletti helped his team win this year, but he also screwed them over in the future. Then there's Billy Beane, who's A's played like ass this season, but he took one of the worst farm systems in baseball and turned into one of the best--in one season. So does he get the award in 3-5 years win the A's win 100 games? I'm confused. If someone can explain this award to me, I will give them Executive of the Year.

The LaMarr Hoyt Award for Best Run Support

This one goes to Ted Lilly. Sure, Glen Perkins led baseball in run support, but Ted Lilly got 17 wins! Lilly must be BFFs with his offense. Or he gives good mid-inning inspirational speeches with reverbed-out intsrumental guitar rock in the background. Rich Harden may have struck out 800 batters per inning with a 1.06 WHIP, but Lilly's inspiring of his offense led to 17 wins! I'd much rather have Lilly on my team than Harden! And the award for most quantity, not quality, of sarcasm goes to... me.

I'll do the Rockies awards next week and the football picking charade before Sunday.

The 5 (Main) Reasons We Sucked in 2008

2008-09-30T13:49:00.007-06:00

So here goes the start of what should be an epic season recap of your 2008 Colorado Rockies here at Frost Brewed Baseball. Epic only in the sense that I might use big words occasionally, hell, I might even write in another language (Italian, anyone?) because this year was far from memorable for the Rox. To give due credit to both sides of the coin (the positive and the negative) I'm going to highlight both because even in a 74-88 season that followed the franchise's first World Series appearance, it couldn't have been all bad. The following however, could be construed as the baseball equivalent of listening to the Jonas Brothers music, or watching the new Indiana Jones, or getting nut-punched by a blind midget wearing a Raiders jersey, or.....well, you get the idea.

1) Tulo's first half
- I've heard of the sophomore slump but Tulo's first half of play gave new meaning to the term. I'm not sure if God was trying to humble our fair Tulo after signing his huge contract in the offseason, or if Tulo's acting skills pained God personally (he did, of course, create such geniuses as Paul Newman in his own image), or perhaps Tulo was just getting too smug for the man upstairs because there was almost no earthly explanation for Tulo's early season struggles. He was hitting about .150 in April before tearing a tendon near his groin (a pain I wouldn't even wish upon Al Davis.......ok, I totally would.) After his 2007 season, the greatest for any rookie shortstop in National League history (.291, 24, 99, 11 errors, 989 fielding percentage) he did not rush out of the gate in 2008. He was committing errors, struggling mightily with runners in scoring position, not hitting for power, and looked like his supreme confidence might have been shaken. Perhaps he was putting too much pressure on himself to play well after becoming one of the cornerstones of our franchise and forgot that he, in fact, was more talented than most people on the field. He became susceptible to the high fastball and would swing at anything that even grazed the dirt. Though it wasn't his fault by any means for the team's faceplant to start the season, he was one of the easy scapegoats. He then came off the DL only to go back on a few weeks later after throwing a temper tantrum and shattering his bat after being pulled from a game, slicing his palm. When he returned he was hitting .166. To paraphrase Paul Harvey, soon, you'll get the rest of the story...

2) The complete and utter failure of our offseason signings
Yes, I'm talking to you Kip Wells, Mark Redman, Josh Towers, Micah Bowie, Livan Hernandez (though that was technically a trade), and last but not least.....Ladies and Gentlemen, here he is, the WORST free agent signing of the season....he's number 51 in your programs, number 2,635, 455 in your hearts....LUIS VIZCAINO!!! That's right folks, Dealin' Dan O'Dowd stayed put for the most part last offseason, resting on the laurels of a World Series appearance and not wanting to rock the boat when it came to our clubhouse chemistry. So to strengthen what he believed to be a weak link on our team (though it was one of our strongest points last year) he went out and got an aging right-hander whose last even decent season was 2006 with Arizona. Not only did he sign this waste of hard-earned oxygen for 2 years (oh yeah, we still have him for another one), but he also decided he wanted to pay him $7 million to do so. And what was his return? A 1-2 record with a 5.28 ERA. This human pinata was sent by Skip Hurdle to the mound in the last inning of our last game of the year in a tied contest and what did he do? Load the bases on two walks and a hit then walked in the winning run that ended our season. Can't wait for more of the same next year!

3) The rotation? More like the blow-tation (Dane Cook could've written that)
- Aaron Cook's first half combined with Ubaldo Jimenez' second half gave our 5 starters on this season a grand total of 1 decent year. Cook and Ubaldo were the only two starters whose ERAs ended up under 4.00 on the season though Cook tried his damnedest to get up there in the last two months of the year. Our rotation started out 2008 thusly:

Jeff Francis
Aaron Cook
Ubaldo Jimenez
Jason Hirsh/Mark Redman
Franklin Morales

Well, Francis was completely and totally ineffective for nearly the entire season. He started the season throwing far across his body which led to his inability to throw his fastball on the inner half of the plate, leaving his changeup down and away to right handers a very hittable pitch. This mechanical flaw most likely directly led to his shoulder problems which cropped up early on in the year, but he only told anybody in June when his record stood at a ghastly 3-7. Considering he hadn't won less than 14 games in any of his previous 3 seasons in the big leagues, I'm almost certain this was just an aberration and he'll bounce back. He'd won 45 games in three seasons. You don't do that by accident (see Lee, Cliff.)

Cook and Ubaldo had decent seasons. Ubaldo turned his potential into production and though he finished only .500 (12-12), considering he started out 1-7, that's pretty damn good.

Hirsh was supposed to be our 4th starter but was hurt in spring training and didn't make his season debut until September 3rd. In the Springs he and Franklin Morales had a contest to see who could lose their potential in the organization the fastest and to be honest, it was really hard to see who won......or lost.
Hirsh: 4-4, 5.80 ERA, 51/52 K/BB ratio.
Morales: 10-5, 5.47 ERA, 83/82 K/BB ratio.

Redman would've been better used as a hat rack.

4) Hitting with runners in scoring position
-Long thought of as a completely subjective statistic (meaning can someone really be "clutch" or not), clutch hitting was a severely sore subject for Rockies' hitters this year. After hitting .276 last year with RISP (and having the best offense in the NL), they fell to a paltry .256 this season scoring a franchise low number of runs (747.) One of our starters who fell victim to a confounding season in this category was Garrett Atkins. One of the best hitters in the National League in general the last few years, much less with runners in scoring position, his average this season plummeted 82 points with runners on base from .307 to .225......and he still led the team in RBIs with 99. That number is more of a testament to our failures at the plate rather than Atkins' prowess with the bat this season. All in all, we started off the year in a pitiful state with runners on base and finished in about the same position. Hell, we didn't even have a sacrifice fly until the last week in April. If we don't improve in this area, we can look forward to more of the same next season.

5) Lack of roster movement in the offseason
Yeah, this may be like number 2 in this list, but come on. It was more like blind faith that guys like Mark Redman (who had a few good starts down the stretch in 2007), Franklin Morales (who, at 21, was a key cog in the rotation and bullpen in September), Willy Taveras (who somehow hit .320 last season......who knows how that happened), Tulo (a rookie who had experienced nothing but success from the time he was 2 years old), and Torrealba (who didn't suck....mostly), would continue their individual success in 2008. That's a lot to ask of a few career backups, an unproven rookie, and a guy in his second season in the big leagues. Instead of scouring the free agent market for a top of the line (or even middle of the road) starter, Dealin Dan went all out for Josh Towers, Mark Redman, and Kip Wells....the Three Musketeers worthy of a song by Bryan Adams. Here's hoping that Dealin Dan will be more dealin' than Dan this winter.

6) Shhhhhhhhhh
- Yes, I said 5, but I had to say something about this. We were 3-16 against the Diamondbacks. 3-16!!!!! All I have to say about that is.........for real? I mean, seriously, bro?

Stay tuned for the top 5 things that actually went right this season......trust me, it'll be hard to find 5, but I'll do it for Todd Helton goddammit.

And the award for best screenplay goes to...

2008-09-29T19:00:00.007-06:00

Well, after the nauseating travesty that occurred on Sunday, I feel like talking about baseball. Allow me to join the pointless parade and make my picks for the baseball Emmy's.

NL

The Most Valuable Offensive Player to His Team Regardless of How Crappy His Teammates are Award

And the nominees are: Carlos Beltran, Lance Berkman, Chipper Jones, Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, Manny Ramirez, David Wright

There really is no competition here. It's Pujols. Each of the candidates has their merits:
Beltran - Very good hitter and defender at a premium position, who almost never gets caught stealing.
Berkman - Did everything you could possibly want a hitter to do.
Jones - .470 OBP: holy hell.
Ramirez, H - Best hitting shortstop in baseball and is improving to almost average D.
Ramirez, M - Outstanding year at the plate, but did that confusing league switch and is kind of a dickhead.
Wright - He's just a flat out amazing hitter who can play him some D.
Pujols, though, absolutely destroyed NL pitching, to a degree almost Bondsian in scope. .462 OBP? .653 SLG? They should give him anti-PEDs because he's too good. On top of that, by just about every measure, he is the best defensive first basemen in all of baseball. Maple Woods Community College must have one hell of a baseball program.

The not-Cy Young Award for the Pitcher Who is Best at Getting People Out, Which is His Job

And the nominees are: Cole Hamels, Rich Harden, Dan Haren, Tim Lincecum, (I can't believe I'm writing this) Ricky Nolasco, C.C. Sabathia, Johan Santana

I'm not taking wins into account here, because wins are, well, moronic. Here's a story to illustrate my hatred for pitching wins:
Once upon a time, Joe was sitting on his couch enjoying an ice-cold Pineapple Zima, watching Real World: Darfur. Upon finishing his delicious Zima, Joe decides that he wants some Skoal and a Jolly Rancher, so he walks to his local corner store. On his way, he crosses a street. Not two seconds into his trip across the street, a Kia Sorento comes screaming down the road and strikes Joe. As he is lying there with his blood and organs everywhere, a Jimmy John's delivery boy comes up to him and asks, "Did somebody order Jimmy John's?" Joe tells the delivery boy that he did not, in fact, order Jimmy John's and asks the delivery boy to call a hospital. And Joe died.

By the logic of pitching wins, Joe was viciously murdered by Zima. The only connection between a pitcher and his offense scoring runs, is that they coexist in a similar space and time, much like Zima and Joe's death. Also, what's the deal with the Jimmy John's commercials?

Anyways, all the nominees had outstanding years. It was a terrific year for pitching in the National League. I'm going to have to go with the league WPA and K/9 leader, Tim Lincecum. He was pretty much amazing for the amazingly awful Giants. Add to this, he is an elf with a high-90s fastball. My only problem with Lincecum, besides being on the Giants, is that the Rockies drafted Greg Reynolds before him. But I guess neither of those things are Lincecum's fault.

AL

The Most Valuable Offensive Player to His Team Regardless of How Crappy His Teammates are Award

And the nominees are: Milton Bradley, Josh Hamilton, Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Dustin Pedroia, Alex Rodriguez, Grady Sizemore

Okay, Rodriguez is the actual MVP, but I so strongly dislike him that I want to take him out of the competition. Bradley is similar. He was the best hitter in the AL, but he was also the biggest asshole in the AL. Hamilton's a fun story, but he's not a center fielder. Mauer is really good at a really tough position and was hugely responsible for the Twins maybe making the playoffs--same with Morneau, who had a drastically better year than his embarrassing MVP year. Pedroia is also incredibly good, but he plays for the Red Sox, and right now, the Red Sox don't need any more media accolades, plus they'll probably beat the Cubs in the World Series (that is, if the playoffs weren't a complete crapshoot.) So who is left?

Grady Sizemore. He can hit - second in VORP after Rodriguez. Okay, so he isn't much of a fielder and for some inexplicable reason, he has gotten progressively worse at defense each year of his career. I feel like ignoring his D today. He hits incredibly well at a poor-hitting position, which he more or less plays passably. He is also the only reason the Indians have won any games except ? and ?.

The not-Cy Young Award for the Pitcher Who is Best at Getting People Out, Which is His Job

And the nominees are: Josh Beckett, Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Ervin Santana, James Shields

So, however the hell it happened, Cliff Lee had an insane year. He led all starting pitchers in baseball in Win Shares. He was second in the AL in WHIP and third in K/BB (Halladay, a very deserving candidate, leads both). The other pitchers played very well, but Lee and Halladay were in a league of their own. Lee's ERA and comparable other stats nudge out Halladay.

In the next few days I will do the Derr Awards (things like Gamer of the Year, Driven Cologne Clutch Performer of the year, etc.) and also the Rockies Awards, though they are deserving of none such accolades.

A fitting end to a painful season

2008-09-29T13:36:00.004-06:00

Watching the final pitch of the Rockies season sail out of the strike zone yesterday, I came to the conclusion that you couldn't possibly find a more fitting way to end the 2008 season. Your biggest free agent bust in 7 years on the mound in a tie ballgame in the 9th inning, the bases loaded (his doing of course with a hit and two walks); you're facing a team that you couldn't beat in a train, on a plane, in a car or at a bar, and how does he choose to end the year? By going ahead of the hitter 1-2 and throwing 3 straight balls to walk in the winning run, sending us into the offseason on a bitter note.

Since the end is finally here, in the coming week or two I'll be doing a full-blown Rockies season recap complete with the positives, the negatives, the best games, the disheartening defeats, the productive players, the forgettable faces (Willy Taveras might just possibly see his name under this list), the keys to this ultra-important offseason, and the players to watch for next year. It'll all be in list form too for all you out there with the attention span of Robin Williams.

"Show me a good loser and I'll show you a loser" -Paul Newman

2008-09-29T00:02:00.005-06:00

So, I guess you could say that my prediction (see below) about the Broncos Week 4 matchup with the Chiefs was, I suppose, a bit misguided at best. I was assuming that the Broncos were going to actually play NFL football instead of the ABC sitcom worthy performance they put on the field today. To say it was hard to watch would be like saying that Paul Newman was only a semi-decent actor (may he be partaking in a few cold ones at the afterlife party.) There wasn't just one culprit that brought doom upon our beloved Broncos. I hate writing about the Broncos when they play shitty, but as is usually the case, writing can be cathartic for the wounded soul. So here goes, let's see if I stomp away in anger in the middle of the post...

1) Jay Cutler looked like Jay Mohr.
- Ok, that's a little harsh. It would be tough to look that pitiful in a made for TV performance, but the Jay Man looked rushed, impatient, and indecisive. He locked onto Brandon Marshall on what seemed like every pass play (not even noticing a wide open Tony Scheffler on one of his interceptions) to which any NFL defense, yes even the Chiefs D, was able to predict eventually. That led to his two costly interceptions which (not directly, per se) cost the Broncos valuable momentum (after the Champ forced fumble against Larry Johnson) and eventually the game. He was a shell of the player that we saw the first 3 weeks of the season. In the end, it will probably be better that he experiences a bit of adversity in the early weeks of the season so he's able to bounce back quickly from it, but to be honest, I'm going to throw something out there: The Kansas City Chiefs suck. Their defense sucks, their quarterback sucks, they have 3 good players: Larry Johnson, Dwayne Bowe, and Tony Gonzalez. This is a game we should have owned and Cutler among others didn't show up to play today. If we're on the outside looking in come January, we can easily look back to this game and wonder what the frick happened.

It must be said that, in by far his worst game of the season he still managed to throw for a season high 361 yards. It was still offset by 2 INTs to 1 TD, but still he racked up the yardage.

2) The defense needs a stern talking-to
...or failing that, a visit from Tony Robbins, Dr. Phil, or any other TV psychologist that can diagnose their back-breaking problems with a witty comment or biting remark. First it was our pass defense that was taken advantage of in the first three games, now it's the rush defense that needs an adult in this one. Larry Johnson, who hasn't had a decent game since 2006 and leads the league in whiny post game comments, rushed for almost 200 (200!!!!!!) yards against us with two touchdowns. We were unable to contain his rushes on the outside and it was an even more fruitless endeavor to try and wrap up our tackles when he rushed through the middle. The defense couldn't be bothered with such petty foibles. Tackling? Pshaw! We just wanted the big hit. Executing the fundamentals or wrapping a guy up when you have him in your hands? Pssssshhh! What are you, one of them sissy liberal types? Spencer Larsen had the biggest hit of the game on special teams (then fucking blew it on the most perfectly executed onside kick in the history of onside kicks) and Champ of course had himself his most complete game of the season. Other than that, our execution was abysmal, our tackling was putrid, and results were excreble at best. Grade? F---------------

3) It was the CHIEFS
I heard they hadn't won in a year. That's not a lie.

4) Whoever didn't fumble in the game was apparently subject to a hefty fine by Mike Shanahan
I mean, seriously, 3 fumbles? Call it what you will. Good plays by the Chiefs defense, lack of concentration on the part of the Broncos receivers, a misguided idea on the part of the Bronco players to add a KY wrestling match as part of their pre-game ritual, but what was with the fumbling party going on throughout the game? Was fumbling actually going out of style because the Broncos sure played like it was. I want to know what Shanny was thinking putting Marshall in at running back right before he fumbled away our momentum. Marshall at running back has been a historically risky move. Last year when he lined up there, he either tried to make too many jukes and ran sideline to sideline eventually losing mass amounts of yards, or he fumbled the football. Sometimes, he did both in the same play. Yeah, he's one of the best in football at yards after the catch, but if the catch doesn't happen first, he struggles to even gain positive yards. A questionable coaching decision for sure put the Broncos in a precarious position and gave the Chiefs the football at the Bronco 2 yard line. Not what you want when you travel into enemy territory.

4) Failure to establish any sort of running game
We couldn't get anything going on to the ground today which directly led to our struggles on offense. The running game, a staple of the Mike Shanahan offense, gained a grand total of 94 yards against a defense that allowed over 200 last week against the Raiders. We looked like we weren't sure whether or not we wanted to pass all over their young secondary or try to pound the ball up the middle. That indecision killed us on so many plays when we had a 3rd and short and didn't really make much of an attempt at either a short pass or tough run. When our running game is non-existent, it makes the play action pass (another key component to our offensive gameplan) virtually ineffective. If the defense doesn't believe we're going to run the ball, or at least run the ball with much success, it won't bite on the play-action pass and won't give our receivers the opportunity to gain separation from the defensive backs.

5) Quote of the Day
Regarding Chiefs rookie fullback Mike Cox as told by broadcaster Dan Dierdorf...
...."Mike Cox was smothered by Champ Bailey on that play."

Say his name fast and think about it.

Talk about letting the air out of the balloon. Looking to go 4-0 on the season with what looked to be a sure-win, the Broncos came out and laid an egg. Nothing went right on either side of the football and the Broncos have no one but themselves to blame for this loss. We have Tampa Bay next week, another 3-1 team who outlasted a tough Green Bay team today. Their rush defense is strong, but their secondary is a bit weak. Which Bronco team will show up next Sunday? The one who led the league in offense the first three weeks of the season? Or the one that got in their own way one too many times on Sunday? The answer will determine whether or not we come out of next week 4-1 or 3-2.

Week 4 Preview: Broncos at Chiefs

2008-09-27T12:20:00.003-06:00

Shit, I forgot to do this and I only have 10 minutes before I need to head in to work. Alright, here's the Cliffs Notes version of what's going to happen in tomorrow's AFC West SHOWDOWWWWWWWWWWNNNNNNNNNN (imagine the "Sunday Sunday Sunday!" guy saying it.)

1. Jay Cutler will throw for, I dunno, a million yards.

2. Brandon Marshall will catch 900, 986 of said yards.

3. The defense will hold strong by only allowing a point total in the 20s, which in all fairness, is the best we can hope for even against a team like the Chefs, I mean, Chiefs.

4. We'll have a back rush for 100 yards. Which one will it be? Tune in and find out for yourself, lazy bones!

5. Shanahan will be even more tan.

6. We won't need the benefit of a missed field goal, or blown call, or act of Elway this week.

Score: Broncos 41, Chiefs 24