Punching Philip Rivers or: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Bomb

"Just win, baby! Or I'll bite off your head and feed you to my transvestite, Kiss-loving minions! Also, I pooped my pants. Where's my nurse?"

Well, I'm back, just like the Backstreet Boys before me (and New Kids on the Block). Sorry I've been away, my loves. I was on a Buddhist retreat in Nepal. It was a lot of fun. I learned that we are all one in the arms of the Buddha. I also learned how to truly eat a peach, not simply consume it. With my newfound awareness, I shall return to my postings, post-haste:

Since yours and my defending National League Champion Rockies only feel like defending third place against the Giants, and are all but eliminated from the playoffs, I'll turn my eye to the Broncos.

Go Broncos. Ha ha, Raiders. That was pathetic joke that was much closer to the Nanking Massacre, than a football game (true, a couple hundred thousand fewer people died, and there was no raping and pillaging, but outside of that? very similar).

Then there was the Chargers game. To what historical event can I compare this game? I don't know, Andrew Jackson's presidency? They were both absolutely crazy, borderline comical in their absurdity, and, of course, a lot of fun. Well, maybe Jackson's presidency wasn't very fun for the Native Americans (that was ironic and tongue and cheek, I have a heart). The Chargers game was certainly fun for any Native American Broncos fans. I can't remember seeing a regular season game (playoff games are always aggrandized) that was this memorable. There were points abound, lead shifts, a fourth quarter comeback, officiating errors that may never leave the water cooler, and, of course, several dramatic plays that were do or die.

My conclusions from the first eight of the season:

The Broncos offense is nuts. There is the obvious: Jay Cutler is good now; his Royal highness, Eddie and U.S. Marshall, Brandon are a dual threat whose diverging skill sets compliment each other; Scheffler is another good wideout, whom they, for some reason, call a tight end; and the offensive line has somehow altered the space time continuum around the trenches so that Cutler has infinite time in which to throw.

I think the less obvious aspect of the Broncos offense, and, as a sort-of sports writer I must dip into the platitudes, is: they played as a team. Hell, I could be an analyst on ESPN! Though hearing about team chemistry in baseball makes me shed a tear (The guy on deck's presence really makes the hitter at the plate much better at hitting baseballs, just by standing there. I think he farted too. That kind of stuff intimidates the pitcher and really helps out the team.), I can't help but think that it is huge in football. Basically all 11 players on both sides of the ball are needed or the play can break down. All 11 players on offense played their parts in the first two games.

The offensive line (now a pass blocking unit, apparently) allowed Cutler to be sacked once and paved the way for 4.9 yards per carry. Cutler and his wideouts look like they have the kind of rapport that Peyton Manning has with Wayne and Harrison. The trio of running backs has run the ball sufficiently, but could step it up. Shanny could also decide on who is the main back (I've had all three on my fantasy team at some point and it would be nice to know who will get me the most points). The under-appreciated position of fullback has been covered well by Peyton Hillis too. When all this is put together we have an offense that marches, unflinchingly, down the field on almost every drive. Kernster has punted but thrice 'gainst the Chargers and but twice 'gainst the Oaktowners.

The offense is fun to watch, they play as a team, and they have the mix and match parts that confuse defenses without having a huge dropoff in production. They are having a huge season so far, on pace to beat the Patriots record for points in a season, set last year. As a Broncos fan, it should be a fun offensive season. The only defenses that they will have to worry about for the rest of the season are, basically, Tampa Bay, Jacksonville, New England, Buffalo, and the Chargers again in SD. None of those D's are all that spectacular anyways. There should be several pro bowlers on the Broncos offense. Knock on wood.

The defense, however, is much less spectacular and much lass cohesive. They looked great against the Raiders, but I, by myself, would look good on D against the Raiders. There is a caveat, too; the Raiders rushed the ball well against the Broncos. Then the Chargers rushed and passed well against the same D. It looks like there is still a long ways to go for the D. I guess we'll see how they do against the Saints. Reggie Bush better not go all Sproles on us and Drew Brees better not go all Philip Rivers on us (I don't mean try to start a fight with Jay Cutler).

Speaking of which, I really want to punch Philip Rivers in the face. I'm not really a violent person. I've never even been in a real fight before, but, god damn, it would be satisfying to hit him square in the face. Just look at him:
I know he has about 6 inches on me and about 70 pounds, but I don't care. You hear that Philip? I will sock you right in the mouth!

Go Buffs tonight! West Virginia is full of West Virginians (gross)! Fuck 'em up, fuck 'em up, go CU! (I wish all my professors moved around tests and essays to avoid Broncos games too)