Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 7

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Okay, this week I'm going to have to go outside of football because it is just too precious. This doesn't have to be taken out of context at all.

Matt Stairs on his pinch hit home run and, uh, clubhouse camaraderie:
"You get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys. And there's no better feeling than to have that done."

Wow. Just wow. That is precious. And I swear on the life of Pat Robertson I didn't make that up.

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San Diego @ Buffalo

In case you haven't heard, Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch has a blog. For any fans of Shakespeare, Lord Byron, and John Keats, I suggest you go check it out immediately. His style and eloquence are virtual facsimiles for said poets. Here is an honest-to-god verbatim quote:
"i cant find da words to say how happy i am 4 beatin dem bay boys da 1st time i played dem. it was a fun and hella close game... shots out 2 j roc 'jamarcus russell' and d dog 'darren mcfadden'. town biz! lol"
See for yourself. I think my keyboard would collapse before I could put in all the [sic]s. How this guy made it through three years of college should probably be investigated by one of those "witty" crime solvers on NBC or ABC or whatever channel on which those shows are televised.

Winner: onn forff an 1 da bills git daselves a game winnin td. shot outs 2 my mayne boys S 78 Tips "Trent Edwards?" an U R 2 Hella "Dick Jauron"?", BRB!(

New Orleans @ Carolina

Does Drew Brees have a leech on his right cheek at all times, or is it just me? Maybe his family is in some kind of cult that thinks modern medicine is a conspiracy cooked up by the devil. Yes, Drew, that leech will suck the bad six foot tall blood out of you, so that you are left with only 6'4" blood.

Winner: The team of the 6' QB who is on pace to brake the NFL record for passing

Minnesota @ Chicago

Did you see that Bears-Falcons game from last week? Crazy. Kyle Orton must have pounded a lot of alcoholic beverages after that one. Also, I'm glad that everyone forgot that the first 58 minutes of that game were, hyperbole aside, the most boring 58 minutes in the history of existence itself.

Winner: Chicago

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

The Bengals are slowly becoming the next Lions. Neither has won a game this year. Both are painfully poor on defense and in player evaluation. Both have no name starting QBs (at least right now) who make Tyler Thigpen look like John Elway. What I'm saying is, don't choose a vicious feline as your mascot--Carolina Panthers beware!

Winner: Pittsburgh

Tennessee @ Kansas City

Though the Chiefs play to win the game, they are not particularly good at it. If I were Tony Gonzalez, I would want to be traded to anyone. Literally, anyone. The Toronto Argonauts? Pretty please with sugar on top. The Frankfurt Galaxy? Bring it. What? The Frankfurt Galaxy no longer exists? I don't care. Anything is better than playing with this embarrassing offense.

Winner: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Miami

The Baltimore defense got put into place by the suddenly revived Colts. A defense lacking in confidence won't help Unibrow Flacco and his cupcake offense. Flacco has thrown 1 TD and 7 INTs. I think that is roughly the same ratio as Ray Lewis' tackles to prayers. Or is it stabbings to tackles. Hey Ravens, why not try the single wing offense? Everybody's doing it.

Winner: Miami

San Fransisco @ Football Giants

Finally! The real Eli Manning is back. I'm glad 90% of football analysts already declared Elisha better than Peyton (Dear Archie and Olivia Manning, those are girls names). Then Eli became his true self and let the BROWNS intercept him three times. If the BROWNS can intercept him three times, the 49ers can probably pick him four times!

Winner: Football Giants

Dallas @ St. Louis

Ohhhhhh, pohhh wittle Tony Womo bwoke his pinkie. Then Brett Favre wrangled him into trying to play. Now, nobody knows if he's going to play Sunday, except Jerry Jones, apparently. So either Brad Johnson or Romo has to distribute passes to Roy Williams, Terrell Owens and Jason Witten, while they maintain some kind of running game with Marion Barber and first-rounder Felix Jones. Screw you, Dallas. You spoiled jerks have to be breaking the salary cap. (Note: Super Bowl Rings: Brad Johnson - 1. Tony Romo - 0.)

Winner: Dallas

Detroit @ Houston

I hope Rod Marinelli has informed Dan Orlovsky that the object is to move the ball forward, not run it backwards out of the endzone for a safety. Maybe that was Matt Millen's last hurrah--the signing of Dan Orlovsky. Millen's thought process: Take that you stupid city. I have destroyed your football team for years and now, with my one last dying breath, I leave you with Dan Orlovsky! (cackles profusely, then melts into the ground)

Winner: The terrorists. If this game is actually played Sunday, then the terrorists have truly won. I would rather kiss Al Davis' arthritic, wart-covered feet than watch this game (not really). But If I must pick a winner, Houston.

Indianapolis @ Green Bay

Remember Ryan Grant? What a great story he was! A practice squad player who ran his way into everyone's hearts. Well, now he can't run through wet Kleenex. Neither can the Colts, with their last ranked run offense. It's more or less Peyton Manning vs. Aaron Rodgers. Since like two football games is sufficient sample size for every football analyst, Manning is a terrible quarterback and Rodgers is a future hall-of-famer.

Winner: Unfortunately, I think Indy's back (even with a limited Addai). Indy by 10+.

Football Jets @ Oakland

I never thought it could get worse for the Raiders and it has. Oh what a lovely day! JaMarcus Russell has only thrown 200 NFL passes and they have been so awful, I think it is safe to say he is already a bust. Yes, I know I'm supposed to wait three or four years, but whom are we kidding? He sucks. So does Deangelo Hall. So does Javon Walker. At this point I have a love-hate relationship with Al Davis. I hate him, but I love the hijinks with which he runs the team.

Winner: Football Jets

Cleveland @ Washington

Wow, Washington. You lost to the Rams. Jeez. To make matters worse, Kellen Winslow has an infection of nefarious origin. They say in the Army, it is don't ask don't tell, and that's just what Winslow, being a soldier and all, did. So Redskins, keep your uniforms on, wash your hands, stop Jamal Lewis and cover Braylon Edwards and everything should be fine for you.

Winner: Washington

Seattle @ Tampa Bay

When does the frickin' flex schedule start? NBC should not force me and millions of other Americans to watch this game. I guess the Bucs D is kinda good and big ups to my main man Matt Hasselbeck (born in Boulder, CO). Come on, though, nobody wants to see this, not even these team's cities. Everyone in Tampa Bay is focusing on baseball. Everyone in Seattle is fishing or fixing their parasol or something.

Winner: ABC, FOX, CBS and Tampa Bay

Denver @ New England

No Tom Brady. Matt Cassell. Shanahan's record against the Patriots. Young, Royal and Scheffler back (though perhaps not with the frequency of their usual roles). Patriots bandwagon fans leaving Derek Jeter Tiger Woods Roger Federer Thierry Henry Memorial Gillette Stadium completely empty. I don't want to get too overconfident and jinx my favorite team, but this should be similar to an IQ contest between a chimpanzee and Sarah Palin (chimpanzee 40 and Sarah Palin -3).

Winner: Denver

Last Week: 7-7 (I had a rough week)
Overall Record: 37-20