Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 5

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Mike Shanahan on his addiction to tanning salons:

"If I have a problem, then that's a problem that I want to have."

Actually that was about Jay Cutler's propensity for throwing downfield, but they're pretty much interchangeable.
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Well, this is the third installment of my football pickery. It doesn't really offer any insights, it's more or less an excuse for me to write dumb jokes. Since I enjoy doing it, I will continue:

Tennessee @ Baltimore

Holy effing ess, you guys. Vince Young practiced on Wednesday. Now the Titans have the hottest new QB controversy in football, according to US Weekly. Okay, everybody. The Titans two main QBs are Vince Young and Kerry Collins. Seriously? QB controversy? The controversy should be how the Titans have won any games with Vince Young and Kerry Collins as their QB. PEDs? Stealing signals? Wearing mustaches? At what game are you playing, Mr. Fisher? If that is your real name.

Winner: Tennessee

Kansas City @ Carolina

This game should be about as exciting as watching water evaporate in super slow motion. My solution to the bore fest? Have the Chiefs install a three quarterback offense with Huard, Thigpen and Croyle. To whom will the ball be snapped? Who will be able to complete a pass? After last week's outbreak against the Broncos "defense," the Chiefs O will be at an all-time high. In other words, they're expecting one field goal.

Winner: Carolina

Chicago @ Detroit

Make way for Lord Rudi Johnson, the savior of the kingdom. Johnson has reportedly held out until he can recover his Gucci bag and underwear from Tatum Bell. Perhaps is his first move as interim GM, Martin Mayhew should trade his entire defense for a Gucci bag. A defense of nobody probably wouldn't be much worse than the Lions' current unit, which is surrendering 37.7 points per game.

Winner: The Bears' Offense

Atlanta @ Green Bay

Brett Favre plays through injuries. Brett Favre plays through his father's death. Though it wasn't televised, Brett Favre probably played through 9/11. Brett Favre played through Pearl Harbor. And Aaron Rodgers' shoulder is a little sore? Come on. What better way to win over your Favre-loving home fans than beating the vaunted Atlanta Falcons toward the beginning of the regular season at home? Okay, there are about 987 better ways.

Winner: Green Bay

Indianapolis @ Houston

"So, Gary Kubiak is fighting for his job. Fighting would be a lot easier with a gun. Marvin Harrison knows about guns. Guns, Germs, and Steel was a book written by Jared Diamond. Diamonds are worn on rings. Most of the players on the Colts have a Super Bowl ring. If we give the alien a cold..." My thanks to special guest celebrity, Jeff Goldblum, for that caption.

Winner: Indianapolis


San Diego @ Miami

Head coach Tony Sparano, after watching tape from their game against New England, has decided to bring the option offense to the NFL, with Ronnie Brown as their quarterback. Brown, after all, has a higher passer rating than Chad Pennington and only one less touchdown pass. The real question, though, is not Brown's abilities as a passer, it's if he can handle being sideline berated by Philip "the sun is in my eyes, bro" Rivers.

Winner: Miami (not joking)

Seattle @ NY Football Giants

So, apparently Plaxico Burress got suspended by the team for being a dick and not attending meetings and stuff. How was Jeremy Shockey not suspended every game for being a dick? I know you can't be a true patriot without having American flags and eagles tattooed all over your arms. But, seriously... Jeremy Shockey. Maybe the Saints should suspend him for wearing too many Affliction t-shirts. What? Jeremy Shockey isn't even playing in this game? Whatever.

Winner: Football Giants


Washington @ Philadelphia

The Redskins broke out last week against the team that everyone thought was the best in football. Now they have to face a Phillies defense that pillages running backs. Plus, there are rumors speculating that the Phillies run D will get even better with Andy Reid at Nose Tackle/Designated Butt-Patter. Of course, Reid will have to pass through league drug tests first.

Winner: Phillies

Tampa Bay @ Denver

The return of Brian Griese! All hail the glorious king! Mike Shanahan's defensive scheme: a golden retriever. Jon Gruden's defensive scheme: quadruple team Brandon Marshall. With both offenses completely shut down, expect a lot of turnovers and maybe one field goal off a turnover.

Winner: Denver 3, Tampa Bay 0

Buffalo @ Arizona

Arizona had a fairy tale defense for the first three games. Then the New York Favres embarrassed them, scoring 56 points. Now they are just fairies. For symmetry, Ken Whisenhunt might try having Matt Leinart throw some fairy passes for the offense.

Winner: Southern Toronto Bills

Cincinnati @ Dallas

Poor little TO needs more passes. He only has twice as many TD receptions as any other Cowboy and on basically every play Romo just stares at TO and if he can't somehow throw it to him, he dumps it off to Jason Witten. Chad Ocho Cinco, or whatever the hell his name is, has said he will celebrate a touchdown on the star in the middle of the field. Maybe Terrell Owens should celebrate by taking a dump on Chad Johnson. I think everyone, including most Bengals, would approve of that celebration.

Winner: Dallas

New England @ San Fransisco

So it's Matt Cassell against J. T. O'Sullivan. I thought this was supposed to be professional football. With the hardcore loyalty of Patriots fans, their is probably no reason to broadcast this game in New England. Right now, there are probably more J. T. O'Sullivan fans in the world than Patriots fans. Aren't bandwagons fun?

Winner: New England

Pittsburgh @ Jacksonville

Hey, Mike Tomlin. I hear you're hiring at the running back position. I'm available for the position. I'm 5'11" and 165 lbs. I'm a hard-working go-getter. I have lots of experience playing football at recess in elementary school. Send me a text message if you're interested in my services.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Minnesota @ New Orleans

Monday Night Football sure can pick them. At what point are the Vikings going to take their QBs out in the woods with a rifle? They could probably gain as much, or more, yardage by just giving Adrian Peterson the ball on every play. I got ten bucks saying Tony Kornheiser mentions Brett Favre at least 30 times during this game.

Winner: New Orleans

Last Week: 9-4
Overall: 20-9