Rockies Awards

So for my Rockies awards, I’m going to go through a list of all the players who made significant contributions to the Rockies and give them an award. Maybe it will help them feel better about themselves, because if I was on the Rockies, I’d be depressed.

Taylor Buchholz – The Gary Busey Award for the player who looks like he needs to lay off the uppers.

Aaron Cook – The Ron Howard Award for most ginger player.

Manual Corpas – The Adam Sandler Award for starting out crappy, getting good, then becoming crappy again.

Jorge De La Rosa – The Nicolas Cage Award for interchanging great performances with travesties. (Don't get me wrong, I love Con Air. It's just the southern accent that was so bad it gave cancer to plenty of very cute puppies)

Jeff Francis – The Gary Coleman Award for the player who never went through puberty.

Brian “T-Rex” Fuentes – The Dr. Alan Grant Award for player whose “visual acuity is based on movement.”

Jason Grilli – The John Turturro Award for the player who is pretty good, despite the fact that nobody has ever heard of them.

Matt Herges – The Shawne Merriman Award for the player whose performance was best enhanced by outside sources, but broke down once they could no longer use those performance enhancers.

Ubaldo Jimenez – The Best Pitcher Award for the best pitcher on the team. Nice and simple.

Greg Reynolds – The Brian Griese Award for playing severely below expectations.

Ryan Speier – The Harry Dean Stanton Award for the player who most resembles a good character actor. That is, the player that completes the team, but never really stands out.

Luis Vizcaino – The Frank Caliendo Award for the player who most makes you wonder why anybody would pay them to do anything.

Chris Iannetta – The Antithesis of Ian Malcolm Award for the player who most exhibits a deplorable lack of personality. Seriously, have you seen him get interviewed? I’d rather watch a VH1 Behind the Music of a Christian adult contemporary band.

Yorvit Torrealba – The Yourhighness Morgan Award for the player whose parents exhibited the most courage whilst filling out their birth certificate.

Garrett Atkins -The '06 Justin Morneau Award for the player whose RsBI makes him look much better than he actually is.

Clint Barmes - The Kenny Chesney Award for willingness to walk up to the plate listening to Kenny Chesney.

Todd Helton - Oh, wait, he didn't make a significant contribution to the team. His $15 mil is reward enough.

Ian Stewart - The Rookie of the Year Award for... being... the... Rookie of the Year?

Troy Tulowitzki - The Jose Theodore Award for maybe you should lay off the booze, chicks and Maseratis and focus on playing the sport for which you are paid. (He fixed it in the second half)

Brad Hawpe - The Willem Defoe Award for the player who progressed from being a platoon player to being an everyday player.

Matt Holliday - The Most Valuable Player for the player who best exhibits willful baldness.

Willy Taveras - The Rob Schneider Award for the player who is just plain awful.