Commercial Update: Good Music?!?!?!

Has anyone else noticed how there has been some really good music in sports commercials lately? Saul Williams' "List of Demands (Reparations)" is in a Nike commercial featuring Matt "Big Daddy" Holiday. Buck 65's "Jaws of Life" is used in an "NBA: Where Amazing Happens" commercial. Also Radiohead's (of all bands) "House of Cards" is in a NBA playoff commercial. What's the effin' deal? That's really my only insight on this--confusion--which really isn't insight at all. I guess it's better than shitty music.

Also: Ryan Clady--good. Eddie Royal--Huh? Whatever, Go Broncos!
Also, Also: Go Jordan Dizon getting picked early in the second round! Who saw that coming?

From the writers and producers of Waiting to Exhale...

…And the people who brought you Independence Day, comes the next masterpiece from Academy Award winner Steven Spielberg—The 2008 NFL Draft (brought to you by Rocky Mountain cold Coors Light).

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

INT. Radio City Music Hall – Afternoon

Rowdy fans crowded in the upper deck, cheering sporadically. Five ESPN analysts sit around a glossy desk, wearing sharply refined suits. Lower in the hall, closer to the stage, sit several team representatives huddling around computer screens and telephones. The stage is brightly lit with a futuristic neon design. The suspense is palpable.

The COMISSIONER walks slowly across the stage to the podium.

COMISSIONER

With first overall pick in the 2008 draft, the Miami Dolphins select Jake Long.

JETS FANS

Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!

CUT TO:

The COMISSIONER walks slowly across the stage to the podium.

COMISSIONER

With the second overall pick in the 2008 draft, the St. Louis Rams select Chris Long

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

And on and on and on. The first round of the draft went much as it was scripted. The six “green room” athletes were the first six picks. There were no Brady Quinn’s snuggling with their girlfriends, whispering homophobic nothings about the teams passing on them into their girlfriend's ear. With many of the picks, Mel Kiper Jr., Berman, Keyshawn Johnson* and the gang suggested a pick, then Commissioner Roger Goodell walked up the podium and echoed their choice. Was it the decreased time between picks? Were teams pandering to draft clichés because they didn’t have time to be original?

There were the occasional Ted Ginn Jr.’s (surprises): Joe Flacco in the first round, Gosder Cherilus’ cool name surging him 10-15 picks up the board. It could also be considered a surprise (as well as impossible) that there were 49 offensive tackles selected in the 31-pick first round. Perhaps teams are finally buying-in to the time-tested credo that games are won and lost on the line of scrimmage.

ESPN, meanwhile, sold-out to noticeably frequent commercial breaks. The highlight of those breaks—the myriad new press conference Coors Light commercials, all of which were up to Coors’ exalted standard—Jimmy Johnson hair jokes abound. The lowlight—an Under Armour advertisement, which was played in almost every commercial break. The commercial included Ray Lewis with a wrathful look on his face, which frightens me, rather than convinces me to purchase Under Armour products. But that’s just me. And I'm not sure if he can hide a knife in spandex or not.

With all the lack of drama, meager surprises, and rampant commercials, the script for this year’s draft was rather sub-par; it may have even been a double bogey (an Alien Vs. Predator caliber script). We NFL fans turned on the TV hopefully this afternoon. Our expectations of an emotional roller coaster were quickly smitten, within the span of the first six picks. There is always tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow but the fourth through seventh rounds lack the prestige of the first few rounds. It seems as though the fun of this year’s draft won’t show itself until we see the breakout players in the next few years.

*Keyshawn Johnson was wearing a tan suit with a checkered shirt and pink tie; he even topped the stellar outfit off with a dark green, Tom Brady-esque pocket square. The only improvement I can think of would be a neon green ascot and a shiny purple suit. I don’t personally like the guy too much, but he sure knows how to dress.

Today's Random Quote:

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum." - "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in John Carpenter's They Live

Note: I learned how to link to stuff! That's why there are so many.

Denvah Killah B’s, They On Tha Swarm

Before this post I need to define some terms to avoid unavoidable confusion:

Sam – strong-side linebacker

Will – weak-side linebacker

Mike – middle linebacker

Nico – singer-songwriter/actress/fashion model

It seemed like only yesterday, My Chemical Romance was cool, Tip “T.I.” Harris was the king, the Broncos could play defense. But those days have gone the way of Brokeback Mountain. Disc Jockey Williams, Captain Albert Wilson and Ian “Solid” Gold were swarming the ball and making tackles. Then Captain Al piledrove himself off the field on a stretcher… And Ian Gold forgot how to stay gold, Ponyboy… And DJ got lost when he left the turntables and tried to be Like Mike, starring Lil’ Bow Wow and Allen Iverson… And Jay Cutler couldn’t rack up 10 TDs per game to give the team a fighting chance, even if he is a stoic robot with poor hair-cutting skills.

But there is a solution—a Mike Shanahan solution—the kind that only makes sense to Shanahan and then when it doesn’t work, it’s somebody else’s fault. That’s why he has more job security than Bill Belichick and Sir Alex Ferguson (America, you’ll never understand). Blamey McShanahan is like Arsene Wenger with tenure (again… America, you’ll never understand). This new solution of Sir Michael Shanahan’s: move DJ back to Sam, have Champ get Boss to play Will and re-unite the Bailey family (Do they have any other brothers? Is dad too old?). Then… for the most important linebacker, the master of defensive ceremonies rockin’ the Mike (and the play-calling radio next year), Shanny picked up a special-teamer from the Seahawks of Seattle. There you go Michael Shanablitz; get a guy who has started 2 NFL games in his career and make him your defensive quarterback. Sure he was a team captain for the Seahawks and all, but was it not indicative of his abilities when he attracted little attention from other teams in free agency? Maybe Shanahan picks guys based on their names. Niko Koutouvides is a pretty crazy name, is it not? Didn’t he do an album with the Velvet Underground? (and one)

In the end, though, it’s not how many games you’ve started, or that you don’t do too much talking these days… these days (that’s two!), it’s how you play. Maybe Niko fits into the defensive scheme—whatever Shanahan’s 95^th defensive scheme of the month is. He could actually be a decent player, though that’s about as likely as Shanahan avoiding the tanning salon for more than a week. It could happen though. Atari Bigby was an undrafted linebacker whom the Packers switched to safety after he spent a couple years on the practice squad and special teams. He turned out to be a dominant strong safety. Will Niko follow suit? Will the Chelsea Girl “End” “All Tomorrow’s Parties” on “Sunday Morning?” (and three, four, five, six and… I apologize profusely) No, Niko probably won’t when you consider the Broncos recent defensive history.

There is this super over-hyped thing—I think they call it the draught or something—that the Broncos could try and use. Their #12 pick is a pretty bad spot for linebacker and defensive tackle, where they really need help. There are, however, some decent o-lineman according Melvin “Yes, I drank 35 cups of coffee in the last five minutes and I mistook the cocaine for sugar” Kiper Jr. What say they take their o-linemen in the first round, whomever it may be? Then, in the third or fourth round they may, perchance, happen upon a little middle linebacker by the name of Jordan Dizon, who clandestinely (big word!) led the nation in solo tackles and didn’t get the Butkus Award because he didn’t play for Ohio State. He out tackled James Laurinaitis by 51 total, 81 solo and 2.5 for a loss, but alas, Laurinaitis out games-played-for-Ohio-State-ed Dizon by 13. In addition to this egregious flaw, Dizon is little, only weighing 225 (he also ran a 4.59 40 at the CU pro day!?!?). But… it just so happens that Shanny’s 4-3, cover 2 intensive, defensive scheme requires smaller, quicker linebackers. He could use a little tackling machine in the middle of that defense (and some defensive linemen not named Elvis who can play). I’m no scout, and I probably know a lot less about football than I think I do, but Dizon seems like a decent fit and the draught (yeah?) is a pretty decent talent pool compared to the 27-year-old special teamer/dead German singer-songwriter/fashion model/actress pool (and seven… biggitty biggitty boo-yah!).

I forgot about the quotes recently—not this time:

“You're some sort of big, fat, smart-bug, aren't you?” – Casper Van Dien as Johnny Rico in the 1997 smash-hit Starship Troopers