Denvah Killah B’s, They On Tha Swarm

Before this post I need to define some terms to avoid unavoidable confusion:

Sam – strong-side linebacker

Will – weak-side linebacker

Mike – middle linebacker

Nico – singer-songwriter/actress/fashion model

It seemed like only yesterday, My Chemical Romance was cool, Tip “T.I.” Harris was the king, the Broncos could play defense. But those days have gone the way of Brokeback Mountain. Disc Jockey Williams, Captain Albert Wilson and Ian “Solid” Gold were swarming the ball and making tackles. Then Captain Al piledrove himself off the field on a stretcher… And Ian Gold forgot how to stay gold, Ponyboy… And DJ got lost when he left the turntables and tried to be Like Mike, starring Lil’ Bow Wow and Allen Iverson… And Jay Cutler couldn’t rack up 10 TDs per game to give the team a fighting chance, even if he is a stoic robot with poor hair-cutting skills.

But there is a solution—a Mike Shanahan solution—the kind that only makes sense to Shanahan and then when it doesn’t work, it’s somebody else’s fault. That’s why he has more job security than Bill Belichick and Sir Alex Ferguson (America, you’ll never understand). Blamey McShanahan is like Arsene Wenger with tenure (again… America, you’ll never understand). This new solution of Sir Michael Shanahan’s: move DJ back to Sam, have Champ get Boss to play Will and re-unite the Bailey family (Do they have any other brothers? Is dad too old?). Then… for the most important linebacker, the master of defensive ceremonies rockin’ the Mike (and the play-calling radio next year), Shanny picked up a special-teamer from the Seahawks of Seattle. There you go Michael Shanablitz; get a guy who has started 2 NFL games in his career and make him your defensive quarterback. Sure he was a team captain for the Seahawks and all, but was it not indicative of his abilities when he attracted little attention from other teams in free agency? Maybe Shanahan picks guys based on their names. Niko Koutouvides is a pretty crazy name, is it not? Didn’t he do an album with the Velvet Underground? (and one)

In the end, though, it’s not how many games you’ve started, or that you don’t do too much talking these days… these days (that’s two!), it’s how you play. Maybe Niko fits into the defensive scheme—whatever Shanahan’s 95^th defensive scheme of the month is. He could actually be a decent player, though that’s about as likely as Shanahan avoiding the tanning salon for more than a week. It could happen though. Atari Bigby was an undrafted linebacker whom the Packers switched to safety after he spent a couple years on the practice squad and special teams. He turned out to be a dominant strong safety. Will Niko follow suit? Will the Chelsea Girl “End” “All Tomorrow’s Parties” on “Sunday Morning?” (and three, four, five, six and… I apologize profusely) No, Niko probably won’t when you consider the Broncos recent defensive history.

There is this super over-hyped thing—I think they call it the draught or something—that the Broncos could try and use. Their #12 pick is a pretty bad spot for linebacker and defensive tackle, where they really need help. There are, however, some decent o-lineman according Melvin “Yes, I drank 35 cups of coffee in the last five minutes and I mistook the cocaine for sugar” Kiper Jr. What say they take their o-linemen in the first round, whomever it may be? Then, in the third or fourth round they may, perchance, happen upon a little middle linebacker by the name of Jordan Dizon, who clandestinely (big word!) led the nation in solo tackles and didn’t get the Butkus Award because he didn’t play for Ohio State. He out tackled James Laurinaitis by 51 total, 81 solo and 2.5 for a loss, but alas, Laurinaitis out games-played-for-Ohio-State-ed Dizon by 13. In addition to this egregious flaw, Dizon is little, only weighing 225 (he also ran a 4.59 40 at the CU pro day!?!?). But… it just so happens that Shanny’s 4-3, cover 2 intensive, defensive scheme requires smaller, quicker linebackers. He could use a little tackling machine in the middle of that defense (and some defensive linemen not named Elvis who can play). I’m no scout, and I probably know a lot less about football than I think I do, but Dizon seems like a decent fit and the draught (yeah?) is a pretty decent talent pool compared to the 27-year-old special teamer/dead German singer-songwriter/fashion model/actress pool (and seven… biggitty biggitty boo-yah!).

I forgot about the quotes recently—not this time:

“You're some sort of big, fat, smart-bug, aren't you?” – Casper Van Dien as Johnny Rico in the 1997 smash-hit Starship Troopers

The Road to 16-0 Starts Today...

Yours, Mine, and Our Denver Broncos’ schedule was released today and solely from the initial glance at our week by week foes, I’m feeling fairly confident with our prospective chances. This unfound optimism was corralled a bit when I realized that I was, in fact, talking about the Broncos. There isn’t a person in this world who can question my love for the Broncos and I’ll defy someone to take me on in a trivia test, but with such passionate feelings comes the inevitable lover’s quarrels. They break my heart, and I take them back within the week and then volunteer to give their senile grandfather a sponge bath because “they just don’t have time.” Typical. To be perfectly honest though, if Brandon Marshall stops leaving greasy Hardees’ bags in front of his extremely breakable and expensive entertainment equipment and Jay Cutler’s mouth writes checks that his butt can in fact cash we could have a solid team. I’m not saying we’re going to win the Super Bowl, but we’re going to win the Super Bowl (that fucking optimism rearing its ugly head again.) The only games that, judging from last year’s opponent’s records, could prove challenging would be both San Diego games, our Monday night road game in Foxboro against the Patriots (no cameras allowed), back to back home games against Tampa Bay and Jacksonville in October, and our Thursday night date with the Brownies on November 6. Beyond that, the combined record of our opponent’s last year was 114-142, and that includes the Patriots perfect 16-0 record. The Patriots somehow garnered the weakest schedule next season in which their opponents only mustered a 99-157 record. Tell me how that makes any sense and I’ll tell you why Nickelback was the highest grossing rock band of 2007. Come to think of it, just don’t ask me. It’s too depressing.

Go Broncos. Only 4 months until training camp.

Rox Recap 4/9/08

You knew it was bound to happen. With all that talent strewn through the lineup, there was no way those guys could be held down for too long. I mean, even Will Smith made Hitch before he made I Am Legend. Guys with that much talent will eventually snap to their senses and realize that teaching Kevin James how to pick up chicks is a fruitless endeavor when contrasted with being the last human on earth fighting clever man-eating zombies. Cut to yesterday’s Rockies-Braves box score. For the Rockos, 12 runs, 13 hits, 5 guys with multi hit games, and a decisive win. What a day at the ballpark.

1) Finally we (I) can talk about our offense without being censored by the Colorado legislature. We scored a ton of runs! Yay! After scoring a grand total of 16 runs in the team’s first 8 games (Man, I wish that was a typo) we almost eclipsed that mark in the team’s 9^th thanks to huge days from Ryan Spilborghs and Yorvit Torrealba. The day after a friend and I had had a fairly inebriated conversation about the merits of starting Jorv over the youngster Chris Iannetta (he was for Yorv and I for Christopher) Yorvit had to go and show me up with a 3 hit, 4 rbi game. In my defense, he was 1-14 on the homestand before last night’s eruption but hey I’ll be the last one to complain about that kind of production from our number 7 hitter. It was also nice to see Spilly flash his 2007 form with 5 rbis and a 3 run BOMB to dead center proving that the change of his batter’s ditty from Gwen Stefani’s “Sweet Escape” to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” wouldn’t go down as the worst mistake of his career.

2) Mark Redman definitely pitched well enough to warrant another start. 5 innings, 3 runs (2 earned) 0 walks and 3 strikeouts won’t make you giddy, but it was good enough to win this game as the O finally stepped up. He also showed great grit by coming right back after taking a line drive off his shin in the 2^nd inning. Cruel memories of Jason Hirsh’s season ending injury last year danced in my head, but after rubbing some dirt on it he faced runners on first and third and only one out. The pitcher Chuck James tried to suicide squeeze in a run, but Redman threw the perfect pitch: a high and inside sweeping curveball that James could do nothing more with than pop up. Redman made a sliding catch and casually tossed the ball to third to double off Brian McCann, keeping the game at 1-0, a key turning point before the Rox began to roll. You can't say enough about our starting pitching the last four games. In those games Franklin Morales, Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, and Redman have combined to give up a paltry 6 earned runs in 24 innings. That pace cannot possibly be kept up during the course of a 162 game season (though Buddha, Vishnu, and L. Ron Hubbard have yet to return my prayers), but thus far it has kept my impending ulcer in check.

Since Jay Cutler seems to have angered the Elway gods with his public calling out of Brandon Marshall last week, the inhabitants of Denver find themselves under a vengeful snow that will postpone the final game of the Rockies-Braves series today. Never fear as now we will have a Friday night rematch between Jeff Franchise and Brandon Webb as Jeff looks to finally find his fine form in the Arizona desert.