Philadelphia: Not Only the Proud Home of Will Smith Anymore

-Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies.......I guess. I'm sure being World Champions is pretty cool, if you're into that sort of thing. Now at least the city of Philly has something else to be proud of except for the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Will Smith's entire career. What's the over/under on when Philly fans start booing their World Champions again? After a loss on Opening Day?

-I think more pieces of journalism have been written on the flaws of this World Series, from the abysmal umpiring to the handling of the rain and cold, than people that actually watched the Series on TV. Everybody has their opinion on what should be done to prevent another catastrophe like was encountered in Game 5, but none better than everybody's favorite phrase-turner, the Prince of Puns, the Denver Post's Woodrow Paige.

Not only did Woodrow begin his column by comparing himself to Galileo, Alexander Graham Bell, and the Wright Brothers among others (for their persecution by their peers for introducing radical ideas into society), but he believes he's worthy to be mentioned in the same breath with these pioneers because.....wait for it....he thinks the World Series should be held in Hawaii every year.

Galileo? Discovered the earth was round. Mr. Bell? Invented the telephone. The Wright Brothers? Invented the airplane. Woody Paige? Thinks the World Series should be a week-long vacation so he won't have to sit in the cold of the press box for seven days out of his year. All I have to say is.....really?

-Rockies catching prospect Mike McKenry has been tearing up the Arizona Fall League like he was the second coming of Joey Belle. He's hitting .435 with 5 home runs, and 12 rbis in just eleven games with the Phoenix Desert Dogs including a three homer, seven rbi game in Monday's 16-7 trouncing of the Surprise Rafters.

McKenry knocked 18 home runs with 75 rbis last year with the Single A Modesto Nuts. Though Chris Iannetta has taken a strangle hold on the catching position of the once and future Colorado Rockies, it's never a bad idea to have a solid backup plan in the next couple seasons.

-This is a bit off the topic of baseball, but has there ever been a better headline than this dandy from espn.com today?

Cops: Golfer Daly drunk, detained outside Hooters

At least we know, that after all these years, John Daly still manages to keep it real.

Week 3 Preview: Saints at Broncos

This week is going to answer a lot of questions about whether or not the Denver Broncos are legitimate contenders to represent the AFC West in the playoffs this year. The catchphrase of the week coming from all of the Broncos detractors (some who even write for the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News) spouting off about how the Broncos were 2-0 last year and look where it got them: 7-9 and without a date for the big dance for the second season in a row. While their points are somewhat valid, the way the Broncos started 2-0 last year and the way they're doing it this year is wildly different. Apples and oranges. Night and day. Will Smith and Woody Allen. The Dalai Lama and Al Davis. In beating the Bills 15-14 and the Raiders 23-20 to open up last season (both on Jason Elam last second field goals), the Broncos racked up about as many yards as they have thus far this season, but Elam accounted for 12 of our 38 points which means that when we got into the Old Spice Red Zone (brought to you by Old Spice) we were about as successful as a beer vendor at a MADD meeting. In two games so far this year, we've totaled an absurd 80 points and nearly 1,000 yards of total offense. Jay Cutler is leading the league in every stastical category for quarterbacks and Brandon Marshall is the top receiver in football receptions-wise, even after missing the first game due to his league mandated suspension.

Things are looking up for our beloved blue and orange bombers, but this week will be a true test as the N'Awlins Saints fly a mile high to take on the Broncos at Invesco. If the Broncos can take this game, it will put them in a great position with the Chargers two losses already (and the fact they're playing Brett Fav-ruh and the Jets on Monday night.) But it will also be a measuring stick for a defense that looked lost at best and abysmal at worst against San Diego last week. Two of the biggest plays the Broncos gave up to the Chargers was a 67 yard screen pass to the fullback Mike Tolbert and the 66 yard touchdown dump off to Darren Sproles that almost spelled doom for Denver. They will need to make sure they cover all their bases on pass plays to avoid deja vu from the Saints because one of the best check-down receiver/running backs in all of football in Reggie Bush is coming to town and he will run all the way to Aurora if the Broncos let him.

Another way Reggie Bush can beat you is on punt returns as he showed with last week's TD runback against the Redskins. Of course, it's scientifically proven that when Reggie Bush taunts the opposing team before scoring a touchdown as he did last week (and in the NFC Championship game in 2006 against the Bears), the Saints are destined to subsequently give up the lead and lose the game in miserable fashion. The Broncos haven't exactly been solid on special teams coverage so far as evidenced by the 57 yard return in Week 1 by Johnnie Lee Higgins of the Raiders (wasn't he the guitarist in GWAR?) and the 103 yard TD return by Darren Sproles last week. Seriously, that dude can fly. Even if you may be able to pick him up with your thumb and forefinger and put him in your pocket, he'll run between your legs before you even know he's on the field. Champ Bailey, on kickoff coverage because we need at least one guy who knows how to tackle, has saved two touchdowns on kickoffs this year by himself as the last line of defense. I have a feeling this will change on Sunday or else Shanahan's going to lie-detector test every single player until they break down and confess to not doing their job correctly.

We haven't had an offense like this in Denver since the 1998 season and this one may even be better. Don't look now, but we're currently on pace to break the Patriots' single season offensive records set last year. Yeah yeah, it's waaaaaaaaay too early to even think about making those kinds of statements, and I'm sorry I just did it, but with the myriad of weapons that Jay Cutler has at his disposal now (B-Marsh, Royale with Cheese, Scheffler, Stokely, and Pittman using his 97" arms to bulldoze through guys at the goal line), we're able to attack you in many different ways. We might not score 40 points a game like we're averaging right now, but if you give us an inch on offense, we'll take a touchdown. That's how the old saying goes, right?

My prediction: Broncos 35, Saints 27.

Rox Recap 8/14/08 (Is anybody still watching?)

That's it. I'm done. Kaput. As they say in Italy: Io sono finito. I can barely muster enough energy to write this blog much less root root root for my beloved Rockies anymore. Yes, yes, the season is theoretically over and yes, yes, we just went 3-7 on an incredibly crucial 10 game homestand (including 7 games against the 2 worst teams in the National League in which we managed to go 2-5), but every day I wake up still looking forward to the day's game even if I already feel the outcome down in the depths of my currently supercooling soul. I love these guys (well, most of them anyway. Taveras and Torrealba, I'm looking in your direction) and I want them to do well every day and that's why it hurts so much when they put the type of product on the field that they have been the last week and a half. Maybe if we could just show the Rockies what they're doing to their die-hard fans like me, then maybe they'd be guilted into starting to turn around their season and finish with a flourish (a flourish meaning maybe winning 75 games.) For the sake of Elway and all his grace, let's just do a little dance, make a little love, and briefly recap this abomination of a homestand.

1) Our top starters Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, and Jeff Francis managed to go a combined 0-5 on the homestand while giving up 31 runs in 33.2 innings pitched for a sterling 8.40 ERA. When the most quality starts from your pitching staff on a homestand come from career castoffs Jorge de la Rosa and Glendon Rusch, you know something's wrong.

2) Glendon Rusch gave up a home run to Chris Burke today. That's significant because coming into today's game, Burke had as many home runs this season as everybody here at Frost Brewed Baseball combined.

3) Ian Stewart is doing all he can to impress me personally. He's hitting huge home runs, hitting for average, getting his rbis, and all the while playing a pretty damn good defense. He's slowly taking over Tulo's place as my New Favorite Rockie (capitalized because of its epic magnitude.) Though the Rookie of the Year in the National League will probably go to a Cub because everybody feels sorry for their neverending plight to win a World Series (present company excluded) King Stew should get some serious consideration at the end of year. If he keeps up this pace he might eclipse the 20 home run mark with around 70-80 rbis. If he keeps the ol' average around .300 he just might get some surprise votes. Now that I've said that, I know how ridiculous it would be for Stewart to get any recognition regardless of how good his numbers end up at the end of the year. Baseball writers know four teams: The Yankees, the Red Sox, the Cubs, and the Dodgers. They might not even be certain that there are teams in other cities and are constantly confused by those other blokes in the baseball jerseys who seem to be playing the same sport against their beloved Sawx, or Yanx, or Cubbies. (Though in Geovany Soto's defense, he has had a pretty good season and if he wins, whatever, live and let live.)

4) Willy Taveras tied the Rockies single season stolen base record in today's game with 53, putting his name in the record books alongside everybody's favorite EY, Eric Young. What surprised me more is that Willy Taveras has actually been on base 53 times this season. Could have fooled me.

5) A job well done: Luis Vizcaino wore pants.

(I cannot be credited with this joke because it's not mine. It's the quality work of a blogger for the Cleveland Indians on http://www.sportstimeohio.com/ named Steve Buffum. He writes a daily blog called the B-List and may be the most consistently funny column on baseball I've ever read. Do yourself a favor and enjoy it.)

6) Torrealba may be going on the DL!

That's all I have. I'm at Fox Sports right now and am trying to kill time until FSN Live. When the Rockies are playing like this, the mood is pretty down around the office. At least the Olympics are on.

Go Casper Ghosts

P.S. Will Smith.

P.P.S. The cartoon above is from Win, Lose, and Drew by Drew Litton in the Rocky Mountain News. His cartoons are always hilarious and almost always about Denver sports, 2 things I'm incredibly fond of (humor and Denver, that is.)

Rox Recap 7/23/08 (Let's Kick the Tires and Light the Fires, Big Daddy)

Last night I had this awesome dream that I was watching a Rockies game with Will Smith. I know I know, some of you may think I have a Will Smith "fetish," that I need "help," that I'm "slowly" going "crazy," but I'm serious. We were watching the Rockies playing the Dodgers. The Rockies were up 5-3 in the 8th inning with runners on second and third with only 1 out. Buchholz was pitching and even though he's been lights-out this year, this had all the makings of the classic Rockies baseball we've seen so far. So I bury my head in my hands, unable to watch us come apart once again when, in my dream, Will Smith puts his hand on my shoulder and says "Do not fret, my son. Fear no evil for thou art with me." And with that, I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes. I no longer felt impending doom upon me or the Rockies. Buchholz struck out the next two batters, Fuentes pitched an almost perfect 9th and we took 2 of 3 from the Dodgers to move within 6 games of first place.

1) Ian K Stewart's "K" no longer stands for "striKeout." With his ridiculous hot streak since being called up from the Springs, the K should stand for something more flattering like "King Stew" or "Kool guy." For seriously though since he was called up in the middle of the Pittsburgh series all he's done is go 11-20 with one home run and 11 rbi's in 5 games. He's also 7-9 off lefthanded pitchers which is almost as cool as the fact that he's only struck out 4 times since his callup. Seeing as how the guy struck out 28 times in 55 at bats in his previous stint with the big club, that's a telling stat to how hard he worked to improve himself when he was sent down.

2) Give it up for the much maligned Rockies bullpen! Whoo! Yeah! Give it up! Holla til you pass out! Trace Atkins could have provided the soundtrack for the Dodgers bats in the late innings yesterday with his number 1 smash hit "Swing batta batta swing batta batta swing batta batta swaaaaaaaaang." Habeas Corpas comes in in the 7th with men on base. Recipe for disaster? Hardly. Instead of his usual meatballs, Corpas served up some hot stinky cheese to Matt Kemp and Andre Ethier who both looked foolish as they struck out swinging. I already told you of my Will Smith-Taylor Buchholz prophecy, and in the 9th Fuentes shut 'er down once again to polish off the victory and put the finishing touches on a 6-1 homestand to start the second half.

3) Speaking of Fuentes...for real? He's been unbelievable lately. Though he gave up a single to Matt Kemp with 2 out in the 9th, he had retired 23 batters in a row in his previous 7 outings, a Rockies franchise record. He also recorded his 102nd career save on Wednesday tying him with the incomparable, the legendary Jose Jimenez for 1st on the Rockies all time list. I know the trade deadline's approaching and we're still 13 games under .500 and we could probably get someone good for him since first time contenders are likely to overpay for him (ahem, Rays), but right now I don't see how we can get rid of him. I know I shouldn't be optimistic about this season, but optimism is my fatal flaw. My only flaw, true, but it can be fatal.

This next 10 game road trip will let me know how far my optimism will take me. We have to win at least 6 games to really believe that we have a shot at the division.

Go Bruce Billings (no hitter for single-A Asheville)

Rox Recap 7/20/08 (Sweep? Tight!)

A sweep? Yeah, I know, right? I didn't think it could happen either. You could have told me Will Smith was starring as John McCain in a new summer blockbuster and I would have thought it more plausible than the Rockies sweeping a team, any team, in four straight games. With the way this team was playing as it fell face first into the All-Star break, I wasn't even sure if we'd win another series the entire season. In that series with the Mets, what did we have, like 4 hits? And Brad Hawpe had 3 of them? Not exactly a recipe for success. Now that we're four games into the second half, there's a glint of fire in the eyes of these Rockies players not seen since last October. As they stand now, only 6 games back of the Dodgers and D-Bags with Los Doyers coming to town for a 3 game set, all of a sudden it seems like anything is possible...just don't look at their overall record (it's still an embarassing 43-57).

1) Cookie looked as if he was still a bit hungover from his magical and breathtaking performance in the All-Star game in the first inning. He was rushing his delivery, his sinker was flat, and his command was AWOL. Before I had a chance to grab a Coors and a seat on the couch we were looking square in the face of a 3-0 deficit. Then, as if Major Payne had just come into the dugout and scared Cookie straight, he was nearly unhittable for the next 6 innings. For example, he threw 25 pitches in the first inning...and only 57 the rest of the way. He faced the minimum 18 hitters after the first and only allowed one baserunner who was subsequently erased on a double play. It was about as dominating as Cookie has been this season as he notched his 12th win of the season possibly on his way to becoming the first Rockies 20 game winner.

2) This is big time for Ian K Stewart in his development to become a Rockies regular. With God Helton out for an indefinite period of time, Garrett's going to take over the first base duties with Shake and Bake manning second base. That leaves a golden opportunity for Stewie to take advantage of consistent playing time and prove to the Rockies front office, manager, fellow ballplayers, and fans that his potential and power are worth the mass quantities of strikeouts. Today was hopefully the start of a beautiful relationship. With two, two-out rbi doubles (3 rbis in all), both off left handed pitching, Ian is starting to make a case that he not only belongs in the big leagues, but that he can be productive while doing it. So what if he struck out his other two plate appearances. I'll take 2-4 with 3 rbis every game and I think the rest of the Rockies will too. The Rockies radio team of Jeff and Jack today gave a pretty telling stat of Stew's potential. This season when Ian puts the ball in play, he's 15-32 (.469). The problem is, he's struck out 31 times in his 63 at bats. With more playing time, he's bound to get more comfortable in his own skin.

3) Back to back jacks are always fun.

4) Can we trade Taveras yet? Or Torrealba? Pleeeeeeease?

Tulo's raking in AA and hopefully it'll translate when we activate him off the DL for tomorrow's game.

Go Asheville Tourists.

Rox Recap 7/6/08 (Can This Week Keep Going, Please?)

Hello everyone, Anthony Masterson back again. If you had taken a vow of silence or gone on a hunger strike until you saw a new blog post from yours truly, I sincerely apologize. My hard drive crashed on my computer (a little tip: never buy a computer from Toshiba. Just don't do it) and I had to take a little hiatus from the blog-o-sphere. Now that I'm making my triumphant return, I can promise you that this will not be my most intense, longest, or even wittiest post, but I feel like I should throw a few comments out there about the most successful week of the Rockies season.

Here's a few optimistic tidbits for our Rockos:

1) The 37 wins by the Rockies are the most they've had all year.

2) The Rockies haven't been beaten this season when scoring 18 runs.

3) I know as Rockies fans, I'd be crazier than Courtney Love if I thought that I had the right to be greedy about my team. There's no time when I should ever think that the Rockies should win or should be expected to win, but going into today's finale with the Marlins, I was expecting a sweep. With the 3 victories over the Fish to start the series including two walks offs including one of the most ridiculous, improbable, incomprehensible wins in Rockies history on Friday night, I thought that with our All-Star ace on the hill the Marlins would be no match for the suddenly sizzling Rockies. Shit, was I wrong. Cook labored through 7.1 innings without even his C+ stuff and still should have come away with a victory if it wasn't for the Rockies' unsteady clutch hitting.

4) Now that we're heading into Milwaukee with a newfound confidence, I was feeling pretty good until I heard the news today of the trade of CC Sabathia from Cleveland to the Brew Crew. It was both incredibly upsetting and wholly disheartening being an Indians fan as well. He's set to make his de-Brew (patent pending) as early as Tuesday against former Major League batting practice pitcher Mark Redman. Uh oh. That doesn't bode well for the Rocks one bit.

Sorry this is so short but I need to head to Boulder to, uh, meet some friends. Though I, Robot is on Fx. Decisions, decisions.

Go Broncos.

Rox Recap 6/18/08 (The Series Where I Can't Possibly Lose)

You gettin on this train? The Rockies are rollin down the track, comin to your cities, sleepin with your daughters, huntin your big game animals, and drinkin all your Yoo-Hoo and Coors...all the while still findin the time to win baseball games. Alright, enough with the Wyoming dialect (that's taking g's off the end of words. I know, it's weird, but there's only so many of us.) With the 4-2 victory over my Tribe tonight, the Rocko's have now won 5 straight series (for the sake of brevity I won't count the series they technically won against the Braves in April that was just concluded with Monday night's makeup game...so much for brevity.) You have to wonder what gives, but really the Rockies are winning games how they should be: solid starting pitching, occasional timely hitting, the longball, and a lights-out bullpen. The Rox have now won 10 of 14, own the best record in June in the National League and also the best record in Interleague play for said league. League. Though some questions about playing time and roster spots will soon need to be dealt with with Tulo and Grimesy set to come off the DL as early as Friday, dare I say it's almost fun to watch the Rockies right now? Ew, I feel dirty.

1) The Rockies and the Indians are almost identical teams this season. I should know because I follow both with the fervor of a 13 year old girl at a Jonas Brothers concert. They both had their seasons ended by the Jerk Sox last year, were both loaded with expectations and World Series aspirations at the beginning of the season but were quickly cut down by ineffectiveness, underachieving, no clutch hitting, poor starting pitching, a shaky bullpen, and the injury bug. The Rockies had Big Daddy, Tulo, Barmes, and Hawpe all hit the DL around the same time and the Indians now sport a star-studded injury report including Travis Hafner, Victor Martinez, Fausto Carmona, and Jake Westbrook. Though Grady Sizemore has picked up some of the slack since the team turned into the Buffalo Bisons (redundant I know), his boyish good looks and legion of female fans could only do so much to help the Tribe win. That being said, the Rockies could care less if Victor Hugo were on the disabled list because they're just out there to win a ballgame. They don't have time to feel sorry for the Tribe because no one took it easy on them when they were fielding a AAA team.

2) One guy who's going to have his playing time cut considerably with the return of Tulo and Barmes is Jeff Baker and right now he's playing like he knows tomorrow is Independence Day and Will Smith just went on vacation. In the last week or so he's raised his average from a paltry .220 to .276 and is finally starting to hit with the power he promised in September of 2006 when he hit .368 with 5 home runs and 21 rbis in just 22 games. He homered for the second straight game, this one finished with a lighter jog around the bases as opposed to his inside-the-Sarah-Jessica-Parker (otherwise known as the Matthew Broderick) on Tuesday. The Rockies are also 9-2 in his last 11 starts at second base. It's hard to imagine taking his bat out of the lineup right now and Skip Hurdle is going to have some decisions to make very soon.

3) Has the perfect storm passed for Jeff Francis in 2008? Though he has only 3 wins this year compared to 6 losses, it's not like he was just a one year wonder. In his first three seasons he won 14, 14, and 17 games. Not exactly fluke-worthy. It was only a matter of time before he remembered that he actually got Cy Young Award votes last year and began pitching like an ace. In his last four starts, the Franchise is 2-1 with a 2.88 ERA and tonight threw 6 solid innings, only surrendering 5 hits, 2 runs (1 earned) and did not walk a batter. If we can get Jeff on board with Cookie pitching the way he is, we could have the top of the rotation Rockies fans have dreamed was possible the past few seasons.

4) Taylor Buchholz has been so disgustingly effective this season, he's leading the Major Leagues in pitches per inning, all while maintaining a near spotless 1.47 ERA. He came into the game averaging 12.4 pitches per inning. In his 3 outs of work tonight? 13 pitches. There's something to be said for consistency...

As much as I feel bad for my Tribe at the pounding they've taken from my Rockies this series, it sure is nice to see the home team start to put it together. They're impossibly only 8 games behind the Diamondbacks for first place and finally won their 30th game of the season making their record a sterling 30-42. If the Rockies were an American League team, they'd win the World Series every year. Think about it. Maybe Hank Steinbrenner is right. Just make every team an American League team, so baseball could have even less to do with strategy and more in common with Blurnball.

Go Powell Pioneers.

What’s the dilly-o with Ubaldo?

Chiggity check that rhyme. I could be the next ‘Nilla Ice. Alright, stop. Collaborate and listen. I is back with a brand new post. The subject of said post: the enigma that is Ubaldo Jimenez.

We all know he is talented as frick. He is the sixth hardest throwing starter in all of baseball this year. To paraphrase former Colorado Rockie Eric Byrnes, his slider breaks from one dugout to the other dugout. Of course, he also has the slow curve that is about 20 mph slower than his fastball. Seems like these pitches (mixed with a show-me change up) would add up to a lot of strike outs, right? Uh… no, not right. He is averaging 7.36 strikeouts per nine innings, which puts him just barely over league average. Just to accentuate his lack of strikeout ability, he walks people all over the place—leading to a scary 1.45 strikeout to walk ratio. If, to quote our dear, crazy, possibly alcohol-fueled color commentating George Frazier, he “throws the dog snot out of the ball,” he should be able to strike out a batter or six. Instead, inexplicable starter Yorvit Torrealba has a mound visit with U-ball and serenades him with Metallica, singing “give me fuel. Give me fire. Give me that which I desire.” U-ball promptly unloads scintillating coruscations of aliphatic hydrocarbons on the batter, and the batter walks or gets a hit. In fact, he is so good at letting batters walk or get a hit, he does it more often than all but four starting pitchers. That puts Jimenez very close to Barry Zito and his yoga-powered fastball.

You may be thinking, “WTF, brah? He was hella bangin’ last year.” If you are thinking that, go back to your frathouse. If you are thinking that U-ball is extremely talented and had a relatively successful major league season last year, coupled with some decent years in the minors, then read on, sir. First of all, he is undoubtedly a rarified talent. If you disagree wiff dat, you need to cut down on the cough medicine, you crazy kids. What are you thinking putting drug dealers out of business? As for his relatively successful first major league season, it was very relative. For you ERA proponents, his ERA was just below league average. That’s aight, homeslice. His 4.06 walks per nine innings, however, were not aight. He also was rocking a .269 batting average against on balls in play, i.e. he was heavily aided by luck and good defense (this season, it has RocketManned up almost 100 points). So that slightly better than average ERA was somewhat misleading, and this season seems to support that. Thricefoldishly, his decent minor league seasons highlight his hamartia (K/BB ratio). His best performances (’04 and ’05 at high-A and ’06 at AA) all came with him striking out more than a batter per inning. If you can’t throw the ball across the plate, you gosh darn better make sure the hitters are swinging at your wildness. Take Edinson Volquez for example. He walks more people than Ozzie Guillén drops f-bombs. He also has struck out more batters than anybody in professional league baseball. Coincidentally (but actually the exact opposite of coincidentally), Volquez leads the NFL in ERA. If U-ball could parlay his ridiculous stuff into some strikeouts, he might find his ERA drop like it’s hot.

Those are basically my theories on why Jimenez is a coin toss that usually comes up crap—few strikeouts, many walks, BABIP catching up with him—all of which are relatively obvious if you watch him pitch. There are some positive signs, however, outside of the obvious—his insane stuffage. As I spoke of before whilst referencing a 1997 Harland Williams movie, his BABIP has increased dramatically (up to .353). The upside of this is that it should revert to the mean (somewhere in the .290-.300 range for Jimenez). That’ll help him cut down on his Zito-esque WHIP and along with that should come a decrease in the amount of runs he allows. Another thing Jimenez has going for him is his ground ball percentage. Last season it was a weak 46.4%. This year he has upped it to 57.3%, which is good for sixth best amongst all NHL starters. This is good. Now, if he could only decrease his walks and strike more guys out, he could be the Hancock of pitchers. I suppose that’s a big if. Though he is but 24 years of this world. He’s got some years to Figure It Out.

Today’s Random Quote:

“Do you remember when we used to dance and incidence arose from circumstance? One thing lead to another we were young and we would scream together songs unsung.” – from “Heat of the Moment” by Asia

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey: MLB Edition

Like most baseball seasons, 2008 has provided fans with some surprise teams. Unlike most seasons, there are several surprise teams. And even less likely, the Rays are one of the surprise teams. Apparently God has guided their bats, gloves, and arms justly after they broke off their deal with the Devil.

Tampa Bay Rays

They currently have the best record in baseball. Their record is a little misleading, however, in that they are outperforming their runs scored/runs allowed expectation. On the other hand, they also are doing it with the second smallest payroll in baseball and with a rather precocious roster. They aren’t hitting particularly well (14^th in team OPS), but are passable. Carlos Pena (of leading the world in Isolated Power fame) and B.J. Upton aren’t hitting quite to their potential, but will come around. Their pitching has vastly improved since the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull-esque disaster that was their staff last year. They are currently 5^th in OPS against and 6^th in team WHIP. There are a few caveats, by the name of Edwin Jackson and Scott Kazmir, both of whom walk way to many people, and Jackson strikes out far too few (that combo is nones the good). Their pitching will probably level some, but will still remain vastly improved over last year. The Rays have also experienced a drastic improvement in team defense. They have the fewest errors in baseball, for whatever that’s worth. Actually, at the beginning of the year, there was a lot of discussion amongst sabermetricians about how the Rays defense (with Longoria at third, Iwamura at second, Bartlett at short, and Upton in center) was improved so dramatically, that it would add about 6 wins based on defense alone. To top all of the Rays improvements off, they have probably the best group of starting pitching prospects in the majors (Davis, McGee, Price), so their improvements should only continue.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: Affirmative, Sir

Oakland Athletics

Leave it to Billy Beane to put out a team that is tied for the second best Pythagorean record in baseball during a “rebuilding” year. They don’t look particularly good in the hitting department (22^nd in team OPS), though they have had several underperformers (Barton, Buck, Cust, Ellis, Suzuki, Thomas). In honor of Joe Morgan, they are getting “true clutch” hitting—in other words, lucking out and scoring more runs than they should be. This will almost certainly not continue, but maybe the slumping hitters won’t not be not slumping not no longer (i.e. they’ll turn it right round, baby right round. Like a record baby, right round, right round). The Oakland A for Anonymous’s are pretty average at fielding right now, since Jack Cust, like Jeremy Giambi and Jose Canseco before him, doesn’t belong in the field. As soon as Eric Chavez’s DL time is up, and they bring up Carlos Gonzalez to play center, the defense should improve. The primary reason they are having a frickin’ heck of a rebuilding year is that their pitching is otherworldly right now. They are first in baseball in team ERA (by a lot), team OPS against (by a lot), and team WHIP. Country Joe Blanton continues to pitch with poise; Rich Harden is healthy and striking out 50 batters per pitch (almost); The Duke Duchscherer has taken his rotation spot by The Day After Tomorrow-caliber storm; Greg Smith and Dana Eveland have followed suit with their minor league careers; and the bullpen, with the likes of Streeter, Foulke, Casilla/Brown (when they’rent hurtified), Devine, Braden and recently Gaudin, has got dis shit on lock, boyeee. Like the Rays, their farm system is looking stocked since last year’s draft and the myriad offseason trades.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: A Resounding Aye, Captain

Florida Marlins

Everyone in the world knows about Hanley Ramirez and his ridiculous talent by now. Not everyone knows that they have one of this year’s best hitters in Dan Uggla (third in VORP in all baseball). Those two have been instrumental in making the Marlins the best slugging team in all of baseball. The issue is that they are pretty poor at the ever-important on-base percentage (26^th in team walks). Couple that with the histories of most of their hitters (except Hermida, who will improve); they should be scoring fewer and fewer runs per game as the season goes on. What pitching they have, so far, looks like a mirage. Olsen has been supremely lucky (.236 BABIP) and so has Renyel Pinto, one of the better (luckier) bullpen arms so far. Andrew Miller is very talented, but also very wild. On the whole, their pitching is far too poor to keep them atop the standings for the rest of the season. As for that other aspect of the game, fielding, they don’t have a single everyday player that really stands out defensively. Well, I guess some of them stand out at being bad defensively. The Marlins don’t really have a lot going for them looking forward (maybe Cameron Maybin in a few years, likewise with a new stadium). Right now, they have all kinds of luck going for them, but it probably won’t last.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: That’s A Negatory, My Good Man

St. Louis Cardinals

Most baseball fans are probably confused by how these scrubs and Albert Pujols have kept up with the overwhelmingly good Cubs so far. Future Hall of Famers Todd Wellemeyer, Ryan Ludwick, and Ryan Franklin, have all had very good years so far to compliment a few decent players (Ankiel, Glaus, Wainwright), and the usurper of Barry Bonds’ throne, Albert Pujols (.474 OBP, are you kidding me?). They undoubtedly have played very well and deserve what they’ve gotten so far (maybe one less win). But will it last? If you think Ludwick will continue to put up the 4th best EqA in baseball, and a rotation that is 80% converted relievers will keep on truckin’, then you probably need to lay off the sauce for a while. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t a bad team, but they certainly aren’t a good team. A lot of their players will fall back to Earth, while Pujols will try to collect all the balls he has hit into space. Their best prospect, Colby Rasmus, is having a rough go in AAA right now, but he has done nothing but hit in the minors. He should be a very good center fielder (Ankiel belongs in right) when they decide to give him a shot. Walt Jocketty exited stage right with the farm system relatively depleted, leaving John Mozeliak (University of Colorado alumnus!) with a tough job. Their major league team looks like a .500 club (not a .577 club) and the farm system needs some fertilizer (get it? Cause of “farm” and plants using fertilizer. That’s probably my greatest joke. It might even be the best joke ever written. I should also point out that Woody Paige is my favorite comedian). The rest of this season (and into the future) looks rather dim for the Cardinals, despite their flamin’ hot Cheetos start.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: Nay, Says The Jury

Today's Random Quote:
"The eyes are the groin of the head." Dwight K. Schrute (Rainn Wilson) in The (American) Office

Rox Recap 5/25/08 (An Army of the Dead that Bruce Campbell Would Kill To Lead)

Just when you thought it was safe to root for the Rockies, they throw you another curveball. This wasn't your run of the mill yakker, this was a Taylor Buchholz snapdragon. Along with the recent placing of our starting right fielder and our hottest hitter on the disabled list, our Triple Crown leader (batting average, home runs, and rbi) has sat out the last two games with a stiff neck (is that really an injury?), and our starting centerfielder has recently skinned his knee and his mommy won’t let him play with the other boys until it heals. On top of that entire mess, now we have to deal with Big Daddy, Matt Holliday, arguably the best hitter in all of baseball sitting out for at least a couple weeks with a strained hamstring suffered in yesterday’s ballgame. If you follow the Colorado Springs Sky Sox religiously (and if you do, um, congrats) you would be very familiar with the lineup Skip Hurdle picked out of a hat today. Here was our starting 9:

CF Scott Podsednik
2B Johnny Herrera
1B Todd Helton
LF Ryan Spilborghs
RF Seth Smith
3B Ian Stewart
C Yorvit Torrealba
SS Omar Quintanilla
P Aaron Cook

Compare that to our Opening Day lineup and you’ll see what we’re dealing with:

CF Willy Taveras (bum knee)
SS Troy Tulowitzki (torn groin…that hurts even to type)
1B Todd Helton (having Vietnam flashbacks of the Big Head Todd and the Toddlers days)
LF Matt Holliday (strained hammy)
3B Garrett Atkins (stiff neck…seriously, take a Motrin or something)
RF Brad Hawpe (strained hammy…calisthenics anyone?)
C Yorvit Torrealba (and Iannetta isn’t playing…why?)
2B Jayson Nix (didn’t understand that offense was a part of the game)
P Jeff Francis (if I knew why he’s been so terrible, I’d be on the Rox bankroll)

I know we’re not the only team to deal with injuries and no one’s going to feel sorry for us, but this is getting pretty ridiculous. The good news is though, we took 2 of 3 from the NY Mets and finished the homestand with a winning record of 5-4 thanks to a hella performance from Cookie and an prodigious blast from rookie Seth Smith.

1) What can you say about Cookie that hasn’t been said about Will Smith? He always comes to the rescue, he always gives you his all, and he always makes it look good…at least this year. With Carlos Beltran’s 9^th inning groundout (and a ridiculous stop by Johnny Herrera who’s quickly becoming a walking Web-Gem) Big Red finished off his 7^th career complete game and his first since last July 25^th when he needed only 75 pitches to dispatch the Fathers. He worked ahead in the count all day using his bread and butter sinker to induce 16 ground ball outs while striking out 3 and walking only 1. With a 7-3 record and a 2.82 ERA, Cookie is cruising towards an All-Star berth where he won’t even need a pity pick from Skip Hurdle, the National League All-Star manager (Would he still be the manager if he gets fired before the All-Star break? Just a thought.) He’s our ace and he sure pitched like it today in a game we needed.

2) Congrats to last year’s postseason hero Seth Smith who blasted his first career home run into the Rox’ bullpen in right center field. Up until his heroics in the 4^th, the Rox hadn’t mustered anything off Mets starter John Maine. In fact, they hadn’t even squared up a ball and had struck out 6 times in 3 innings. Todd walked, Spilly reached on an error by Jose Reyes, and then came Smith who took a 2-2 fastball on the inside corner and turned it into a souvenir. Those 3 runs were all Cook would need as he finished off the Metties in economical fashion.

The Rox now embark on a tough 3 team, 10 day, 10 game, 3 time zone road trip that will take them to Philly, Chi-Town, and finishing up with three games against Los Los Angeles Doyers. With our AAA lineup, it’s going to be hard to keep up with the smash mouth (All Star) offenses of the Phillies and Cubs, but this homestand was a step in the right direction, even if it didn’t seem that way. I don’t know if we have to perform some kind of ritual to keep the injury bug off our backs but we’re running out of healthy bodies. Can Dinger swing a bat?

Rox Recap 5/23/08 (The League of Clutch Just Got a New Member)

Lately, it seems the only team more snakebit than the Rockies are the NY Mets. No longer anyone’s favorite squadron, the NY Mets endured a collapse of historic proportions last September, blowing a 7.5 game lead to the Phillies in the last 17 days of the season. Then they went out and landed their big gun, their noisy cricket, by trading for “Don’t Mess With the Johan” Santana, figuring he would be the rock they needed to take them to the upper echelon of Major League teams and erase the bitter taste of their late season choke. Instead, the NY Mets are scuffling along at 22-24, Santana has been decent (5-3, 3.36 ERA, 58/15 K/BB ratio), but there have been rumblings about his lack of velocity and inability to win important games. Their manager Willie Randolph is on the hot seat to keep his job and has begun to gripe to the media about what he believes is a racial bias in how he is portrayed. Add all that up and you have got one dysfunktional team heading for a major overhaul in the way they play the game and who will actually be there to play it. It’s only fitting that they then come into our house and become the victims of our first walk off win of the season.
1) Big Daddy only went 2-7 in this 13 inning affair but man did he make the 2 count. With 1 out and nobody on in the 9^th, down by 1, he stepped to the plate against uber-closer Billy Wagner who came into the game sporting a spotless 0.00 ERA and 9 saves. He hadn’t given up a home run either until Matty unloaded on a fastball on the outside corner. He roped a home run to dead center field that couldn’t have gotten more than 15 feet off the ground at any point of its trajectory. Then, in the 13^th, the game still tied at 5, he took an 0-1 pitch from Aaron Heilman to right field to knock in Johnny Herrera with the game winning run. Talk about clutch. For a team that hasn’t had many clutch moments to brag about this year, this was a game to remember. Though the calendar said May, it sure as hell felt like September.
2) G-Rain (that’s Greg Reynolds, I’m trying to get it to catch on) pitched an uneven ballgame. A sinkerballer not known for the strikeout, Reynolds tallied 5 in 6 innings of work. He was pitching efficiently though his ball/strike ratio wasn’t exactly impressive (37/47) until the 6^th inning when he served up cold, hard blasts to Carlos “The Latin Travis Hafner” Delgado (that’s not a compliment, look at their statlines the last few years) and Fernando “Omar Minaya owed me a favor” Tatis who was last seen stocking shelves at your local Kroger. He did only allow 4 hits, but he also walked 3 including the opposing pitcher Oliver Perez. It will be a process to get him going like it is with most young pitchers but he showed enough promise last night to make me believe he’s going to be special.
3) The turning point in the ball game (besides the obvious homer in the 9^th by Big Daddy) was T-Rex’ pick off of Jose Reyes at second base with nobody out in the 10^th inning. After leading off with a double, you can imagine the groans and gripes about Fuentes, especially after blowing the lead in his last appearance on Wednesday. But Fuentes’ move to second can be lethal in small doses, not unlike the underwater black wasps from Anaconda. Right before he picked him off, I leaned over to Eric and told him that Fuentes had a killer move to second and maybe he could catch Reyes napping. Lo and behold, 5 seconds later, Reyes is trudging back to the dugout, the fans are going nuts, and the Rockies have avoided what could have potentially been a back-breaking moment. It also showed that I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

4) Grimes sprained his right knee and will probably have to go on the disabled list, adding to the laundry list of unfortunate occurrences that have befallen the Rockies this season. Our hottest hitter now will spend his next couple of weeks from the sidelines while we try to get our season going. Fantasmatic.

5) Taylor Buchholz, come here, let me hug you. You’ve done nothing but dominate hitters with a steely stare, a yellow snapdragon Uncle Charlie curveball and a Linda Ronstadt fastball (the ol’ Blue Bayou.) Last night you came through once again and pitched 3 strong innings in relief and picked up the win you so rightfully deserved. Cheers to you, Taylor Buchholz. Keep that ERA where it is (1.27) and I think we’ll be just fine.
A turnaround game? Who knows. I’ve already used that one this year. All I know is that we’re 4-3 on this current homestand and need to start winning series if we’re ever going to reach the .500 mark, much less contend. The Franchise goes today, so let’s take 2.
P.S. Congrats to my cousin Justin Masterson who picked up his first Major League win with 6.1 inning of 1 run baseball against the Royals on Wednesday. It will be the first of many. You heard it here first.

Facial Hair: It’ll add three miles per hour to your fastball…

In honor of Senor Caballero Spielbergo (or Ryan Leonard Spilborghs if you go by birth certificates (douche(bag(!)))), I shall pontificate electronically upon the magnificentude of facial hair in baseball. The gentleman/horseman Spielbergo (also an officer and a gentleman) has donned a prodigious bigote (what they call a mustache in Spielbergo’s native Spain). I think in baseball, of all sports, facial hair is most essential. Sure, there’s the playoff beard in Hockey. But what is more intimidating than a guy stepping into the batters box, looking up and seeing this? Your answer? Nothing, not never, no way, no how.

It all goes back to the Oakland A’s Mustache Gang in the early 70’s. Basically every team in baseball wouldn’t allow facial hair and A’s owner Charlie O. Finley said he would pay any player $500 if they grew a mustache before Father’s Day in the 1972 season. And it produced some good ones:

At that time, the mustache represented rebellion. A baseball player could fight the man by pretending every day was Halloween and that they were in a porno. It literally took away the clean-cut image of baseball players and gave us the grittiness we know, love and admire today.

As we all know, true athletes don’t wear mustaches. Only gritty, unhealthy, possibly overweight players wear the mustache. If drinking 20 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon the night before a game, then sitting in the dugout with a cigarette in your mouth and an ice pack on your head, and then still going 2-3 with a two-run homer and a walk is your milieu, you deserve a mustache. And this is precisely what Wade Boggs did (Mattingly looks pretty good too over there on the left).

The mustache has progressed over the years…

The dynasty from the mid 70’s to the mid 90’s.

Keeping it real in the 90's. May he rest in peace.

And that brings us to the new Willenium…

I love Swish, but I have no idea what the hell this is.

Unfortunately for the whole world and for future generations, they let one of those guys from the Geico commercials play baseball.

Then there is the basic, standard, not even that exciting, old-man mustache.

You ruined a good thing, yankees.

And all I could find at www.spaniardsandportugueseswordfightingfortheirladyshonor.com was this .

Then there is the overly popular Liriano which, if you’re like me and can only grow facial hair in those exact spots, can make you look like you aren’t 14, but maybe 18 or 19.

Why did the Big Injured have to take his spot? He could still swing it if you stuck him at first. Japan just wasn’t ready for him.

So, to conclude, thank you swingin’ A’s for bringing baseball the glorious world of facial hair. May it live on forever and ever with more and more handle bars, fu manchus, and anything else anyone can think of. In the mustache world, as lady action goes down, intimidation of opposing batters goes up. Long live the mustache in its rarified glory!

Today’s Random Quote (In Honor of One of the Greatest Mustaches Ever):

“Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.” - Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit.

Christopher vs. Yorvit—There can be only one Highlander…

Anferny discussed this earlier and I think it warrants some elaboration. After all, catcher is one of the most important positions out there. There is the chubby, high potential kid (Chris Iannetta) and the sprite Venezuelan (Yorvit Torrealba). Both have their merits, but one is more meritorious than the other. One’s meritivty is more meritified than the meritations of the other meriter.

Neither has hit very well in their major league careers. Actually, both have been well below average. Their career OPS+ is exactly identical (80). The problem is, Yorvit has had 1078 more at-bats than Christobald. Jorvy is 29 and passed his prime years (26-28). Chances are he ain’t getting any better. Christoph, on the other hand, is in his younger and more vulnerable years at 25. Add to this how he got jiggy wid it in the minor leagues (OBP: .409, SLG: 509) and there’s a good chance Ian will hit better than Tory over the long term. Obviously, minor league numbers don’t equal major league numbers, but there is a relative correlation. Yorvit’s are pretty similar, if slightly better in the majors. So far this year, in a very small sample size, Iannetta is OPSing 971 (nah, nah, nah, nah, na-nah, nah, getting’ jiggy wid it). The Duke of Torrealba, meanwhile, is OPSing 641 (nah, nah… no). Then again, perennial all-star and first ballot hall of famer Gabe Kapler is OPSing 1410 so far. So… conclusion? Iannetta and Torrealba have hit about the same so far in their careers, but Iannetta is younger and has a much bigger upside. Advantage: Iannetta

Defense is hard to judge. The stats are slippery and you can’t watch every single play. It seems like just about everyone who covers the Rockies says Torrealba is a terrific defender, yet he rarely throws runners out and he can’t seem to block the ball very well (though he was credited with only 4 passed balls last year). Iannetta is also supposed to be a very good defender, but he seems to be flawed like Torrealba. Apparently Yorvit is a better game-caller (catching ERA 4.12) than Iannetta (CERA 4.71). The stats seem to back that up. My only qualm with this is that both of them look into the dugout before they call their pitches. Is there a puppeteer in the dugout? I can’t say for sure. For lack of clear evidence, I have to say… Advantage: Torrealba.

The other advantage that Torrealba supporters claim he has is that he’s clutch. He reeks clutch. If he had a cologne, like Jeter, it would be called Clutch. The problem is that if you look at all his “clutch” stats (2 outs w/ RISP, late and close, within 1 run) he is worse than normal. In fact, the only time he hits better than his career average is with a margin of more than 4 runs, where his OPS is 28 points higher. As for late and close games, when you would think it matters most, his OPS is significantly lower (134 points lower!). So, if you believe in clutch hitting, which I personally don’t, you cannot say truthfully that Yorvit is “clutch.” Just because he hit a homer in the playoffs, it doesn’t mean he’s clutch (ahem… JETER!). Iannetta also doesn’t eat, breathe and shit clutchness; so this category is a wash, as the mystical attribute of clutchbat should be.

There are other arguments that could be brought up: Yorvit is good with the young latin pitchers (so just start him for Morales and Jimenez) and that Torrealba costs 7,575.75 times (not dollars) more than Iannetta (ok, there is no point in arguing that). So, I suppose the question comes down to: Is Iannetta’s bat and potential worth more than Torrealba’s defense? I think the answer is unequivocally, yes. Instead of wasting $3 mil on Torrealba, we could have had a capable catching tandem of Iannetta and Edwin Bellorin. But wasting money is what Dan O’ Dowd is good at—Hampton, Neagle. So unless his royal clutchness starts to hit well for the first time in his career, Clinton of Hurdle might find his team scoring more runs with a line-up including Christopher Domenic Iannetta instead of Yorvit Adolfo Torrealba. Oh, I forgot to bring up the “whose name is better?” argument. Yorvit Adolfo Torrealba wins in a landslide. I forfeit. Torrealba should start merely because of the majesty of his name.

"Oh, I just wanted to say good-bye and remind you that the good guys always win, even in the eighties." - Academy Award winner Barry Bostwick in the hit 1982 film Megaforce

The Henry Rowengartner Proviso (Or Gary Busey Is the Greatest Actor of All-time, Ever!)

Multiple choice question…

What gives sports media the biggest boner?

1. Improbable Career Comeback (see Ankiel, Hamilton)
2. Scrappiness (see Eckstein, Hansbrough)
3. Young Talent (see Upton (the J one))()))(
4. Tom Brady (see Stetson Cologne)
5. Randy Johnson (see definition of handsome in dictionary)

Answer at the bottom of the post…

Let’s ignore that question for the moment and focus on young talent. Everybody digs on the young talent. LeBron James! Sidney Crosby! OMG! WTF! LOL! BRB! Those precocious youngsters inspire us. They make us think: “How in the name of Hannah Montana did they get so good, so young?” The answer is that they are probably some kind of super advanced Tamagotchi type deals. Mike Brown just tells LeBron to train, eat, and then cleans his poop off the court by pressing a series of buttons. In baseball, it is the fledging pitcher that draws the most notice. Some may recall an obese Native American from Nebraska that became a media darling, mostly because he pitched for the Yankees. Here are some potential breakout obese Native Americans from Nebraska for this year:

Johnny Cueto

Ok, he’s not obese or Native American, and he’s from the Dominican Republic, but the kid’s got some skills. His line thus far: 19.1 IP, 1 BB, 24 K. R u f-ing k-ing m? (Are you fucking kidding me? - For the lay person). One frickin’ walk and 24 K’s. His OPS against is .555. His DIPS is 3.34. I know it is just three starts, but talk about hitting the ground running; this guy jumped out of a 747 and hit the Atlantic Ocean running AND stayed above the surface. Then there are his minor league statistics (career WHIP: 1.10, career BB/9: 2.12). How the fuck is this guy not the top pitching prospect in baseball?

Clay Buchholz

And this dude is the answer. Scouts are always talking about his totally tubular stuff (mid 90’s cheesage, yellow snapdragon hook, plus-plus string pullage), but stuff is overrated. Getting batters out is underrated (I’m pretty sure that’s a pitchers job, though I’m not positive). The fella can get guys out. His career minor league WHIP is 1.00!!!!!!!!!!more?!!!! He also averaged 11.23 K/9, coupled with a 2.43 BB/9. He’s like Ben Sheets circa ’06. So far this year, he has only put up a 2.92 DIPS. Tamagotchi? Undoubtedly.

Henry Rowengartner

You can’t argue with his heat (can get over 100). Like I said before, though, it’s not stuff, but getting guys out that really matters. Trouble is, I can’t try to project him with minor league numbers, because he has none. The Cubs signed him out of little league. Thus far, he has been wild, but he’s compensated with a lot of strikeouts. There are concerns about his throwing motion and medical history, though. His motion is unorthodox, as he derives much of his power from the tendons in his elbow, and it is difficult to repeat. As for his medical history, scouts tell me he recently broke his arm trying to show off in front of a babe; so, that’s a big question mark. He does, however, have all-world talent. Perhaps under the tutelage of Chet “Rocket” Stedman and pitching coach Phil Brickma, he’ll be able to cajole that talent into nasty radness and a date with Becky. (Scouts also tell me his mom taught him a plus-plus floater, to serve as a change of speeds)

Honorable Mention:

The “Juuuuuuussssssttt a bit outside” team: Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales, Homer Bailey, Chad Billingsley

The all-underrated team: Greg Smith, Manny Parra

The Munchausen Syndrome team: Yovanni Gallardo, Matt Garza

The “this guy is fucking good, but hasn’t done it in the majors yet” team: Dana Eveland, Phil Hughes

The “strikeouts are still cool” team: Jair Jurrjens, Ian Kennedy

The “I’m probably forgetting guys” team: ???

Multiple choice answer: It’s a trick question; A-D are a wash. They could all be correct. The answer, however, should be E.

“They mostly come out at night… Mostly” – the little girl from Aliens

Also: Will Smith co-wrote one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air entitled "Ain't No Business Like Show Business"

Rox Recap 4/9/08

You knew it was bound to happen. With all that talent strewn through the lineup, there was no way those guys could be held down for too long. I mean, even Will Smith made Hitch before he made I Am Legend. Guys with that much talent will eventually snap to their senses and realize that teaching Kevin James how to pick up chicks is a fruitless endeavor when contrasted with being the last human on earth fighting clever man-eating zombies. Cut to yesterday’s Rockies-Braves box score. For the Rockos, 12 runs, 13 hits, 5 guys with multi hit games, and a decisive win. What a day at the ballpark.

1) Finally we (I) can talk about our offense without being censored by the Colorado legislature. We scored a ton of runs! Yay! After scoring a grand total of 16 runs in the team’s first 8 games (Man, I wish that was a typo) we almost eclipsed that mark in the team’s 9^th thanks to huge days from Ryan Spilborghs and Yorvit Torrealba. The day after a friend and I had had a fairly inebriated conversation about the merits of starting Jorv over the youngster Chris Iannetta (he was for Yorv and I for Christopher) Yorvit had to go and show me up with a 3 hit, 4 rbi game. In my defense, he was 1-14 on the homestand before last night’s eruption but hey I’ll be the last one to complain about that kind of production from our number 7 hitter. It was also nice to see Spilly flash his 2007 form with 5 rbis and a 3 run BOMB to dead center proving that the change of his batter’s ditty from Gwen Stefani’s “Sweet Escape” to Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” wouldn’t go down as the worst mistake of his career.

2) Mark Redman definitely pitched well enough to warrant another start. 5 innings, 3 runs (2 earned) 0 walks and 3 strikeouts won’t make you giddy, but it was good enough to win this game as the O finally stepped up. He also showed great grit by coming right back after taking a line drive off his shin in the 2^nd inning. Cruel memories of Jason Hirsh’s season ending injury last year danced in my head, but after rubbing some dirt on it he faced runners on first and third and only one out. The pitcher Chuck James tried to suicide squeeze in a run, but Redman threw the perfect pitch: a high and inside sweeping curveball that James could do nothing more with than pop up. Redman made a sliding catch and casually tossed the ball to third to double off Brian McCann, keeping the game at 1-0, a key turning point before the Rox began to roll. You can't say enough about our starting pitching the last four games. In those games Franklin Morales, Aaron Cook, Ubaldo Jimenez, and Redman have combined to give up a paltry 6 earned runs in 24 innings. That pace cannot possibly be kept up during the course of a 162 game season (though Buddha, Vishnu, and L. Ron Hubbard have yet to return my prayers), but thus far it has kept my impending ulcer in check.

Since Jay Cutler seems to have angered the Elway gods with his public calling out of Brandon Marshall last week, the inhabitants of Denver find themselves under a vengeful snow that will postpone the final game of the Rockies-Braves series today. Never fear as now we will have a Friday night rematch between Jeff Franchise and Brandon Webb as Jeff looks to finally find his fine form in the Arizona desert.

To quote Soulja Boy, “History is a nightmare from which I am trying to escape”

That may not be Soulja Boy that I just quoted; it may be James Joyce. I guess it doesn’t matter, because their contributions to the English language are roughly equivalent. The point remains; the Rockies, like Soulja Boy or Joyce, are trying to escape history, specifically their own. It has been a history full of home runs, tears, embarrassment and tearful home runs full of embarrassment. Their career record before last season, including the one time they somehow lucked into the playoffs, is .465, which averages to a little over 75 wins per season. That would make the Devil (whoops blasphemy) Rays proud?

Their Captain Fantastic win percentage has, however, been subverted by some lovely moments—EY hitting the first homer in the first Rockies at bat, Dante Bichette’s mullet, umm… that’s about it, but Bichette’s mullet is like the hair equivalent of Steve Perry’s voice/face combination. For a while, Bichette’s epic doo was enough to keep fans in the seats. The Rockies set attendance records and were selling out every game for a half decade. I remember all the crazy fervor when the Rockies debuted under the Rocky Mountain sunset (cliché #37a). Fans were crazy nuts for them. I found myself in the nosebleed section of (not Invesco Field at) Mile High amidst a sellout crowd. And there was hope (cliché #3b). And then there was denial (it’s the altitude). And then there was steaming piles of Triceratops poop with Jeff Goldblum constantly quipping “now that is one big pile of shit” until Todd Helton shot him, took him to a taxidermist, mounted him above his fireplace, and drew a Rollie Fingers mustache on him with a sharpie. And hope was dead; just like God, chivalry and crystal Pepsi.

Then, once upon a time (érase una vez, for our latin friends) the Rockies won a shit-load of games in an anti-shit-load of time. It was fluky, but fun. People were getting loaded in sport bars and cheering instead of downing fifths of whiskey at home and breaking television sets. The bandwagon almost collapsed from the pressure of being overloaded. Young kids were rocking the K-Fed graffiti Rockies hats with the stickers on the bill, which New Era now sews on crooked by default. And hope had made a comeback (cliché #3c? I’ll have to check the clichétionary—yes! Another retarded portmanteau!), just like John Travolta.

And here we are (",babe"? It seems like ",babe" should follow that). The National League Champion Rockies attempt to prove their mettle (or that they're metal). Todd Helton walks up to the plate and tells the pitcher he’s going to superman that ho (see Ulysses by Joyce, James). Then, he cranks that into the Rockpile and runs around the bases yelling “I AM LEGEND!” (Note: that may not actually be true, but I had to insert the obligatory Will Smith reference). Though Todd Helton still rakes like a fox (I must be drunk), the rest of the team looks pretty average. PECOTA predicted the Rockies to win 84 games, or just above average. It seemed fair at the time, with all the questions marks involved. Now, after a super small sample size (8 games), the Rockies look like their going to end up in the 10^th percentile of their PECOTA projection, or the Ben Affleck percentile, as I like to call it.

It is, after all, a long season, and who the hell knows? But the Rockies should consider front office and managerial changes for the long term. I can’t completely hate on O’Dowd because he has drafted some good players, but he has also has made Omar Minaya look smart a few times. An example of his smartification that didn’t end up screwing him: he wanted to draft Denard Span (career minor league OPS: 698), but couldn’t afford him; so he was stuck with some Jeff Francis guy. In terms of Clint “I’m Bringing in Jorge Julio” Hurdle, the Wall Street Journal did a study of managers based on wins in close games, wins above expectation and player performance. Guess where Clint finished… Go on, guess… Oh, you can’t? Well, I’ll tell you. Dead fucking last (http://online.wsj.com/public/resources/documents/info-baseballMgrs08.html?n=50&page=1&sd=ASC&sort=overall). He’s fun in the post game interview. He has a big funny looking head with goofy hair. But is that worth his shitsational managing (I win again! Shit+senational=brilliant, retarded or retarded brilliant—you choose). The Rockies may have a good season in spite Clinton and Daniel again, but it might be better to build a good organization. Or not.

I’m still thinking of a cool little sign off note, so for this post I’ll settle for:

“I ain’t got time to bleed” – Jesse “the Former Mayor of Minnesota” Ventura in Predator

Maybe I’ll just end with stupid quotes every time.

Rox Recap 4/8/08

“We won yesterday and we won today, that’s two in a row. If we win tomorrow, that’s a winning streak. It has happened before.”
-Lou Brown, Major League

The Rockies offense has finally started to wipe the cobwebs off their lumber and swing them forcefully at that little ball of cowhide being hurled at their heads. Is it too early in the season to say it’s about time? They did finally eclipse their high water mark of runs in a game for the season (4…..yeah, I know) and while I’m not quite to the point of streaking through the quad in a foam dome and some sweet Pumas in celebration, I’m pretty damn pleased with the way our boys played last night.

1) Though not as impossibly efficient as Aaron Cook was the night before, Ubaldo Jimenez found a way to get through 6 innings of solid work which has been a trouble spot for him in the past. His stuff is absolutely electric, but at only 23 years old, it’s sometimes been a struggle to harness his immense talent into throwing meaningful strikes in important spots. In his first start against the Cardinals, he only gave up 2 runs in 5 innings but needed over 100 pitches to do so. His first inning yesterday had déjà vu written all over it as he went single, walk, single to the first three hitters to put the Rox in an early 1-0 hole. After a fortunate double play and another walk, Clint Hurdle came out to talk some sense into his young gun. After Hurdle’s pep talk, Jimenez settled down and largely held the Braves powerful offense in check giving up 3 runs and notching 4 k’s. His immaturity reared his ugly head at times however as he inexcusably walked the pitcher Jair Jurrjens twice. That’s something that can’t happen and won’t as he gains experience at the big league level, but the important thing for Jimenez is he lasted 6 innings by only throwing 93 pitches, something Hurdle had only dreamed about before yesterday’s performance. He looked like the Jimenez of the playoff run last season which can only be a boon to the Rockies’ hopes in 2008.

2) Now playing at a theater near you, Big Daddy 2: Return of the King. Holliday finally busted out for the first time this season in going 3-4 and racking up a couple of big rbis. He showed great patience at the plate in the 5^th inning when his two out two strike opposite field single scored Wily T, plating what turned out to be the decisive run in the game. In the 8^th he lashed a high and outside pitch down the right field line for a double, evoking fond memories of 2007. Not only has he shown to be clutch the last few games, he’s showing more selectiveness and is making better contact. When he hits a ball square, it’s a thing of beauty.

3) As encouraging as our 10 hits and 4 runs were last night, the Rockies finally caught some lucky breaks last night for the first time in this short season. In the 4^th inning a blooper by Atkins with Helton on first took a wicked hop off the turf in right field past the Gold Glover Jeff Francoeur allowing Helton to come all the way around to score and Atkins to lumber his way to second. The next batter Brad Hawpe laced a shot to left that eluded a horribly awkward dive by leftfielder Matt Diaz. Atkins scored and Hawpe wound up with a double. Real men make their own luck and the Rockies finally made some of their own last night.

4) Another great sign for the Rockies success this year was the performance of the late inning bullpen guys: Taylor Buchholz, Brian Fuentes, and Manny Corpas. Together the trio combined for 3 innings of no hit baseball while striking out 3 and walking only 1. Buchholz ought to be our 7^th inning man all year because he has shown not only command and confidence but the overpowering stuff to get a strikeout when he needs it. Manny also struck out 2 guys looking in the ninth for his third save of the season, a nice rebound from Sunday’s blown opportunity.

Mark Redman will try to keep his spot in the rotation tonight but if you ask me (and I really hope that you do), Kip Wells performance in the makeup of the Opening Day rainout was extremely impressive and Redman will have to use his changeup and cutter effectively if he’s going to have any chance against the Braves tonight. He should just study the tape of Tom Glavine’s performance on Monday night because he blew away the Rox hitters with similar stuff. Let’s keep the streak alive.

Rox Recap 4/7/08

I was determined to not write the same Rox recap I’d been writing for the last week. I wanted to be positive and spur my Rockies onto their much-anticipated second victory of this short season. Unfortunately for the first 7 and a half innings last night, I was prepared to copy and paste lines of lament from my last articles as the Rockies swallowed yet another serving of cold crusty defeat. Then Big Daddy did it again.

1) Though 3 of Matt’s 4 at bats last night were weak at best and frustrating at worst, you can’t argue with the results of his 8th inning 2 run tattooing which put the Rocks up for good. Matt, let’s be honest here, looked overanxious to hit anything Tom Glavine rainbowed (that’s a verb, right?) to the plate last night. His 4th inning at bat epitomized the entire Rockies team for the first week of the season. Todd Helton had just worked a leadoff walk off Glavine who still showed he has the stuff to straight up dominate young teams who fail to be patient at the plate and let the ball travel, therefore using the opposite field instead of trying to pull everything. Holliday strolled to the batter’s box determined to single-handedly interrupt the Rockies’ hitting hibernation. He took a mighty hack at a 76 mph changeup from Glavine that dove down near the dirt on the outside corner and tapped the ball meekly back to Glavine who calmly turned a fired the hardest ball he would throw all night to second to nab Helton. He also flew out softly to center field with two on in the 6th inning, but like I said, if Matt can do nothing the whole year except hit clutch bombs in the late innings, I’m going to run out of things to complain about. You can’t argue with the results of a win, no matter how agonizing they may be.

2) What more can you say about Aaron Cook’s performance on the mound last night? This is the pitcher we signed to a $30 million contract in the offseason. 7 innings, 1 run, 2 hits, 15 ground ball outs on only 73 pitches. That might have been the best Cook has ever looked and I was at Coors last year for his 88 pitch complete game victory over the Padres. The Braves had absolutely no answer for anything he threw up there. Sinkers, cutters, changeups, fastballs, everything was working for Big Red as he ate up more bats than a party at the Osbourne’s. Unfortunately for Cookie, the Rox bats Jason Jennings-ed him and supplied him with a grand total of 0 runs so he couldn’t be credited with the win. Cook still has yet to win a game in April in his entire career but if he keeps pitching like he did last night, it’s only a matter of time before we can muster up even a couple runs of support.

3) The game took a grand total of 2 hours and 5 minutes, the shortest game on record in Coors Field history. Glavine and Cook both looked to be in the prime of their careers: Glavine tossing rosin bags to the outside corner and Cookie cutting bats like bandsaws. Rarely do you see two pitchers so incredibly on point during a game with neither one of them factoring into the decision, but such is baseball.

4) Tulo finally looks like the Three-lo of old at short as he was the beneficiary of the majority of Cook’s ground-ball prowess. He made several running plays in the hole and also coming in on the ball and his throws to Todd were spot on. It looks like that initial bout of stone hands was just a fleeting problem. No one deserves a Gold Glove more than Tulo, especially after “MVP” Jimmy Rollins somehow robbed him last year.

And finally, look at this potent quotable from the Rox resident skipper Clint Hurdle on the play of rookie second baseman Jayson Nix:
“It is the proverbial dog on the pond. Above water he is cool, calm, collected. Below water, he is a paddling son of a gun.”
No wonder he became the media darling and favorite interview during the postseason run last year. But seriously, where does he get his material?

As always, Go Broncos.

Rox Recap 4/6/08

To say that I’m discouraged with the Rockies play thus far would be like saying that Independence Day is only an ok Will Smith movie. We were swept by our bitter rivals the D-Bags, yes, but that’s not what I’m most worried about. The supposedly powerful Rox scored only 5 runs in a 3 game series and have scored only 10 runs the entire first week. 10 runs in 6 games? To call our offense inept would be lavishing it with praise. They wasted an incredibly encouraging performance from rookie Franklin Morales and blew an all important one run lead in the ninth. They say that every game you win in April is 1 less you have to win in September. Maybe the Rox are just lulling the rest of the league into a false sense of security and will soon erupt with more ‘splosions than a Michael Bay movie. They better hurry, but hey, at least they’re not the Tigers.

1) Franklin Morales gave one of the best performances of his brief career. In only his 9^th career start, Morales gave up 0 runs on only 3 hits in his 6 near spotless innings of work. His fastball was clocked from 89-93 mph and his curveball kept the Diamondbacks hitters off balance all day. Morales’ performance during Spring Training had many fans and front office types praying to every deity they could imagine that he would return to his late season form of last year. His performance today proved that Spring Training statistics mean absolutely nothing a majority of the time.

2) In the season’s first week Rockies fans have gotten a glimpse at a vintage Todd Helton. He’s hitting .320, the highest by far of any starter on the team, with 2 home runs in consecutive games during the Diamondbacks series. He didn’t hit his 2^nd home run last year until May 4th by comparison. His defense so far has saved Atkins and Tulo especially from a myriad of errors and he knocked the only run of the game the Rockies should have needed with his rbi single in the 3^rd inning. Unfortunately a vintage Todd Helton at the plate also means that the players around him aren’t playing up to their abilities. So far, it’s a bit reminiscent of the Todd and the Toddlers days where Todd would try to do it all himself, succeeding most of the time, but rarely getting any help from his teammates.

3) Our bullpen gave us a schizophrenic performance. Half the time, they were unhittable, giving us glimpses of their limitless potential, the other half was like watching Pearl Harbor (yes, that’s right, 2 Michael Bay references in one article. That’s how I know I’m on my game.) Taylor Buchholz and Brian “Rex-Mex” Fuentes devastated the Baby Backs. Buchholz especially has really come into his own and is pitching with a purpose. His fastball is explosive and his curveball is jaw dropping, the “yellow snapdragon” as Drew and George so creatively dubbed it. He’s going to have a big role with this club this year. Then Manuel “Habeas” Corpas, normally untouchable, promptly regurgitates the hard fought 1-0 lead we’d had going into the 9^th. Two batters in and just like that, it’s a 2-1 deficit. Don’t even get me started on Micah Bowie’s performance in the 10^th. He’d been fairly impressive thus far, but his inability to get lefties out throughout his entire career is a troubling stat. Bowie has one job essentially. Get lefties out. Yet, the first batter he faces in the 10^th inning, left handed pinch hitter Stephen Drew, he serves up a no doubter into the Rockies bullpen opening up the flood gates to put the game out of reach. Not exactly the performance you’d hope to see.

4) Apparently Luis Vizcaino is trying his damnedest to be this year’s Latroy Hawkins. Hawk started the 2007 season with 3 losses in the first two weeks before landing on the disabled list with arm problems. Once he returned he became one of the Rockies most effective relievers down the stretch. In yesterday’s game, Vizcaino threw 6 warmup pitches in the bullpen before coming up with a new injury to go along with his chronic ineffectiveness thus far. He landed on the DL today as Ryan Speier was called up from the Springs to take his place. Maybe history can repeat itself because the fate of our bullpen depends on him and his $7 million arm.

5) Big Daddy finally broke out of his power outage with a clutch bomb to right center in the bottom of the 9^th with the Rox down one. His bat flip after contact was more out of relief than anything. Let’s hope this means he’s gotten the proverbial baboon off his back and will be back to the Big Sexy of old.

A 5 game losing streak in the first week of the season can’t be too promising for the flocks of die hards and bandwagoners that packed Coors Field this weekend. With the Braves coming into town for a four game set the road doesn’t get any easier for the Rox as they’re going to have to perform some voodoo magic to wake up their bats a la Pedro Cerrano in Major League. We’ve got to find our Jobu. That or pray for a rainout.