Talk about precocious...

It was revealed today that Miguel Tejada faked his age coming out of the Dominican Republic as a prospect. He is, in fact, 33 instead of his purported age of 31. His true age was, embarrassingly, right on his passport. Because of this, the Rockies decided to make sure they had no foreign-born players lying about their age by checking everyone's passports. The Rockies were pleasantly surprised to find out that Canadian-born Jeff Francis is actually 14, rather than his listed age of 27. Francis has often been called baby-faced, and lo and behold, he truly is baby-faced. This means instead of making his major league debut at the age of 24, Francis was only 11--by far the youngest player in major league history. Rockies manager Clint Hurdle had this to say: "I can't go out drinking with him any more. Shit!"

While a player claiming to be older than he truly is can be bad publicity for a team, finding out that a player is actually younger could prove to be great publicity. The Rockies anticipate a sky rocket in ticket sales when Francis is pitching. Much as the Cubs did in the Daniel Stern-directed Rookie of the Year, the Rockies aim to take advantage of Francis' young age. A spokesman for the team says they have already planned promotional days including: Free Pokemon Day (as in free -of-charge Pokemon, not free the imprisoned Pokemon), Free Jolt Cola to Get Buzzed On Day, We'll Do Your Social Studies Homework While You Watch the Game Day, and Dress Up Like Power Rangers Day. At a press conference this afternoon, Francis said, "Mommy, can I have my snaky now." His mom then gave him his cookies and milk and told him it was bedtime.

Perhaps this will bring about a new age in baseball, in which players are drafted out of junior high, rather than after high school. Here's to hoping.

The Henry Rowengartner Proviso (Or Gary Busey Is the Greatest Actor of All-time, Ever!)

Multiple choice question…

What gives sports media the biggest boner?

1. Improbable Career Comeback (see Ankiel, Hamilton)
2. Scrappiness (see Eckstein, Hansbrough)
3. Young Talent (see Upton (the J one))()))(
4. Tom Brady (see Stetson Cologne)
5. Randy Johnson (see definition of handsome in dictionary)

Answer at the bottom of the post…

Let’s ignore that question for the moment and focus on young talent. Everybody digs on the young talent. LeBron James! Sidney Crosby! OMG! WTF! LOL! BRB! Those precocious youngsters inspire us. They make us think: “How in the name of Hannah Montana did they get so good, so young?” The answer is that they are probably some kind of super advanced Tamagotchi type deals. Mike Brown just tells LeBron to train, eat, and then cleans his poop off the court by pressing a series of buttons. In baseball, it is the fledging pitcher that draws the most notice. Some may recall an obese Native American from Nebraska that became a media darling, mostly because he pitched for the Yankees. Here are some potential breakout obese Native Americans from Nebraska for this year:

Johnny Cueto

Ok, he’s not obese or Native American, and he’s from the Dominican Republic, but the kid’s got some skills. His line thus far: 19.1 IP, 1 BB, 24 K. R u f-ing k-ing m? (Are you fucking kidding me? - For the lay person). One frickin’ walk and 24 K’s. His OPS against is .555. His DIPS is 3.34. I know it is just three starts, but talk about hitting the ground running; this guy jumped out of a 747 and hit the Atlantic Ocean running AND stayed above the surface. Then there are his minor league statistics (career WHIP: 1.10, career BB/9: 2.12). How the fuck is this guy not the top pitching prospect in baseball?

Clay Buchholz

And this dude is the answer. Scouts are always talking about his totally tubular stuff (mid 90’s cheesage, yellow snapdragon hook, plus-plus string pullage), but stuff is overrated. Getting batters out is underrated (I’m pretty sure that’s a pitchers job, though I’m not positive). The fella can get guys out. His career minor league WHIP is 1.00!!!!!!!!!!more?!!!! He also averaged 11.23 K/9, coupled with a 2.43 BB/9. He’s like Ben Sheets circa ’06. So far this year, he has only put up a 2.92 DIPS. Tamagotchi? Undoubtedly.

Henry Rowengartner

You can’t argue with his heat (can get over 100). Like I said before, though, it’s not stuff, but getting guys out that really matters. Trouble is, I can’t try to project him with minor league numbers, because he has none. The Cubs signed him out of little league. Thus far, he has been wild, but he’s compensated with a lot of strikeouts. There are concerns about his throwing motion and medical history, though. His motion is unorthodox, as he derives much of his power from the tendons in his elbow, and it is difficult to repeat. As for his medical history, scouts tell me he recently broke his arm trying to show off in front of a babe; so, that’s a big question mark. He does, however, have all-world talent. Perhaps under the tutelage of Chet “Rocket” Stedman and pitching coach Phil Brickma, he’ll be able to cajole that talent into nasty radness and a date with Becky. (Scouts also tell me his mom taught him a plus-plus floater, to serve as a change of speeds)

Honorable Mention:

The “Juuuuuuussssssttt a bit outside” team: Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales, Homer Bailey, Chad Billingsley

The all-underrated team: Greg Smith, Manny Parra

The Munchausen Syndrome team: Yovanni Gallardo, Matt Garza

The “this guy is fucking good, but hasn’t done it in the majors yet” team: Dana Eveland, Phil Hughes

The “strikeouts are still cool” team: Jair Jurrjens, Ian Kennedy

The “I’m probably forgetting guys” team: ???

Multiple choice answer: It’s a trick question; A-D are a wash. They could all be correct. The answer, however, should be E.

“They mostly come out at night… Mostly” – the little girl from Aliens

Also: Will Smith co-wrote one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air entitled "Ain't No Business Like Show Business"

What Has He Done For Us Lately?

Thank Elway it’s baseball season again. If I have to sit through any more coverage of the NFL draft (which is still a month away, I might add) watching Mel Kiper Jr. create his umpteenth mock draft, I might have an explosion of Milton Bradley-esque proportions complete with equipment chucking and the subsequent tearing of my ACL. With Opening Day now just a memory it’s time to forget about BALCO and the Mitchell Report and start focusing on the actual game itself. You know, the national pastime, fastballs and sliders, double switches and designated hitters, Helton and Pujols instead of creams and needles, HGH and steroids, and Canseco and Clemens. What’s most refreshing about the new season is the budding youth movement happening in both leagues. The baseball preview issue of Sports Illustrated highlighted the 2005 draft class, touting them as perhaps the greatest class ever. Lofty praise, yes, but the game is counting on these six babyfaced stars to raise the game out of the muck of the offseason’s scandals. The cover of SI showcased the six brightest young stars in the game: Brewers 3B and 2007 NL Rookie of the Year Ryan Braun, Diamondbacks OF Justin Upton, Rockies SS Troy Tulowitzki who deserved the ROY over Braun, Red Sox youngsters Jacoby Ellsbury and Clay Buchholz, and rounded out by Nationals 3B Ryan Zimmerman. I completely agree with five of their six choices for this cover but one of their picks keeps baffling me and it makes me wonder, what has Justin Upton ever done to deserve so much credit in the national media?

Throughout the magazine baseball preview circuit Upton graced not one but three covers of prominent sports magazines: the aforementioned Sports Illustrated, the fantasy baseball issue of ESPN the Magazine, and USA Today’s Sports Weekly. Why has the media embraced him so readily, touting him as the next Ken Griffey, Jr when all he is is potentially potent? Braun’s offensive numbers last year were so gaudy that the Rookie of the Year voters overlooked the fact that he was an absolute butcher in the field, committing 26 errors in only 112 games leading to a position change from third base to left field. Tulowitzki, at 23 years old already the recognized leader in a Rockies clubhouse that includes the irreplaceable Todd Helton, enjoyed the best season ever by a rookie NL shortstop with 24 home runs, 99 rbi’s, also leading the majors with a .987 fielding percentage as his team enjoyed the franchise’s first ever trip to the World Series. The fact that Jimmy Rollins beat him out for a Gold Glove is a travesty to discuss at a later date. Jacoby Ellsbury was arguably the Red Sox playoff MVP, acting as a sparkplug for the World Champs while all Buchholz did was throw a no hitter in only his second Major League start. Rounding out the class of ’05 is Zimmerman who has slugged 20+ home runs in each of his first two full seasons while playing Gold Glove caliber defense as the Nationals have pegged him as the cornerstone of their franchise.

Now we look at Upton’s pedigree. Yes, he is a five tool number one pick who has been scouted by the pros since he was in diapers. His brother, Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays outfielder B.J. Upton, has already established himself as a successful player for the up and coming Rays. The media claimed that Upton’s promotion to the Diamondbacks roster late in the 2007 season was one of the main catalysts for the D-Backs run to the NLCS. They must have just overlooked the fact that he hit only .221 with 2 hrs and 11 rbi’s in 43 games, barely making the postseason roster. Yes, he hit .357 in the playoffs, but only .222 in the NLCS that saw the D-Backs fall in four straight games to their NL West rival Rockies. What he is most famous, or rather infamous, for in that series is his interference call that cost the Baby Backs a chance at a big inning in Game 1. Late in the game, a leadoff double off Rockies starter Jeff Francis brought Upton to the plate. Francis hit him with a breaking ball, and Upton apparently felt like the mild mannered Francis had purposefully fired a 78 mph slider at his left thigh. Upton took offense and pouted on his way down to first. The next batter hit a groundball at Tulowitzki who flipped it to Kaz Matsui at second to try for the double play but Upton’s slide wasn’t just aggressive, it was dirty. He popped off the bag and upended Matsui, keeping him from throwing to first. The umpire correctly ruled that Upton had gone out of his way to break up the play and called him out leading the always classy and infinitely knowledgeable D-Backs fans to litter the field with anything they could get their artificially tanned hands on. Not only did his youthful inexperience cost him with his dismal performance at the plate, but his hot-headedness ended any hope of a different result for his team as the Rockies went on to win the game 5-1 and the series in four games.

Tulowitzki and Upton are prepared to be the figureheads of a growing NL West rivalry that will hopefully only continue to simmer as the weather heats up. Tulowitzki has the upper hand right now as he has arrived as the unspoken leader and starting shortstop of the National League Champions while Upton remains a cover boy who’s only claim to fame is his supposedly limitless potential. So on Opening Day, how did Upton respond to his newfound fame? By going 0-4 with two strikeouts at a soggy day in Wrigley Field. It’s obvious he has a long way to go to attain the respect and results of his Class of ’05 brethren.

Addendum: Since writing this article April 1, Upton has gone on to knock 2 home runs in his first four games including a prodigious blast against our very own Matt Herges in the Rockies' home opener. While this does perhaps knock my story down a peg or two from its pedestal I stick by the fact that he still has a long way to go to catch the rest of his draft class. He's off to a good start this year but there's still 158 games left for him to prove me right.