Philadelphia: Not Only the Proud Home of Will Smith Anymore

-Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies.......I guess. I'm sure being World Champions is pretty cool, if you're into that sort of thing. Now at least the city of Philly has something else to be proud of except for the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Will Smith's entire career. What's the over/under on when Philly fans start booing their World Champions again? After a loss on Opening Day?

-I think more pieces of journalism have been written on the flaws of this World Series, from the abysmal umpiring to the handling of the rain and cold, than people that actually watched the Series on TV. Everybody has their opinion on what should be done to prevent another catastrophe like was encountered in Game 5, but none better than everybody's favorite phrase-turner, the Prince of Puns, the Denver Post's Woodrow Paige.

Not only did Woodrow begin his column by comparing himself to Galileo, Alexander Graham Bell, and the Wright Brothers among others (for their persecution by their peers for introducing radical ideas into society), but he believes he's worthy to be mentioned in the same breath with these pioneers because.....wait for it....he thinks the World Series should be held in Hawaii every year.

Galileo? Discovered the earth was round. Mr. Bell? Invented the telephone. The Wright Brothers? Invented the airplane. Woody Paige? Thinks the World Series should be a week-long vacation so he won't have to sit in the cold of the press box for seven days out of his year. All I have to say is.....really?

-Rockies catching prospect Mike McKenry has been tearing up the Arizona Fall League like he was the second coming of Joey Belle. He's hitting .435 with 5 home runs, and 12 rbis in just eleven games with the Phoenix Desert Dogs including a three homer, seven rbi game in Monday's 16-7 trouncing of the Surprise Rafters.

McKenry knocked 18 home runs with 75 rbis last year with the Single A Modesto Nuts. Though Chris Iannetta has taken a strangle hold on the catching position of the once and future Colorado Rockies, it's never a bad idea to have a solid backup plan in the next couple seasons.

-This is a bit off the topic of baseball, but has there ever been a better headline than this dandy from espn.com today?

Cops: Golfer Daly drunk, detained outside Hooters

At least we know, that after all these years, John Daly still manages to keep it real.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey: MLB Edition

Like most baseball seasons, 2008 has provided fans with some surprise teams. Unlike most seasons, there are several surprise teams. And even less likely, the Rays are one of the surprise teams. Apparently God has guided their bats, gloves, and arms justly after they broke off their deal with the Devil.

Tampa Bay Rays

They currently have the best record in baseball. Their record is a little misleading, however, in that they are outperforming their runs scored/runs allowed expectation. On the other hand, they also are doing it with the second smallest payroll in baseball and with a rather precocious roster. They aren’t hitting particularly well (14^th in team OPS), but are passable. Carlos Pena (of leading the world in Isolated Power fame) and B.J. Upton aren’t hitting quite to their potential, but will come around. Their pitching has vastly improved since the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull-esque disaster that was their staff last year. They are currently 5^th in OPS against and 6^th in team WHIP. There are a few caveats, by the name of Edwin Jackson and Scott Kazmir, both of whom walk way to many people, and Jackson strikes out far too few (that combo is nones the good). Their pitching will probably level some, but will still remain vastly improved over last year. The Rays have also experienced a drastic improvement in team defense. They have the fewest errors in baseball, for whatever that’s worth. Actually, at the beginning of the year, there was a lot of discussion amongst sabermetricians about how the Rays defense (with Longoria at third, Iwamura at second, Bartlett at short, and Upton in center) was improved so dramatically, that it would add about 6 wins based on defense alone. To top all of the Rays improvements off, they have probably the best group of starting pitching prospects in the majors (Davis, McGee, Price), so their improvements should only continue.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: Affirmative, Sir

Oakland Athletics

Leave it to Billy Beane to put out a team that is tied for the second best Pythagorean record in baseball during a “rebuilding” year. They don’t look particularly good in the hitting department (22^nd in team OPS), though they have had several underperformers (Barton, Buck, Cust, Ellis, Suzuki, Thomas). In honor of Joe Morgan, they are getting “true clutch” hitting—in other words, lucking out and scoring more runs than they should be. This will almost certainly not continue, but maybe the slumping hitters won’t not be not slumping not no longer (i.e. they’ll turn it right round, baby right round. Like a record baby, right round, right round). The Oakland A for Anonymous’s are pretty average at fielding right now, since Jack Cust, like Jeremy Giambi and Jose Canseco before him, doesn’t belong in the field. As soon as Eric Chavez’s DL time is up, and they bring up Carlos Gonzalez to play center, the defense should improve. The primary reason they are having a frickin’ heck of a rebuilding year is that their pitching is otherworldly right now. They are first in baseball in team ERA (by a lot), team OPS against (by a lot), and team WHIP. Country Joe Blanton continues to pitch with poise; Rich Harden is healthy and striking out 50 batters per pitch (almost); The Duke Duchscherer has taken his rotation spot by The Day After Tomorrow-caliber storm; Greg Smith and Dana Eveland have followed suit with their minor league careers; and the bullpen, with the likes of Streeter, Foulke, Casilla/Brown (when they’rent hurtified), Devine, Braden and recently Gaudin, has got dis shit on lock, boyeee. Like the Rays, their farm system is looking stocked since last year’s draft and the myriad offseason trades.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: A Resounding Aye, Captain

Florida Marlins

Everyone in the world knows about Hanley Ramirez and his ridiculous talent by now. Not everyone knows that they have one of this year’s best hitters in Dan Uggla (third in VORP in all baseball). Those two have been instrumental in making the Marlins the best slugging team in all of baseball. The issue is that they are pretty poor at the ever-important on-base percentage (26^th in team walks). Couple that with the histories of most of their hitters (except Hermida, who will improve); they should be scoring fewer and fewer runs per game as the season goes on. What pitching they have, so far, looks like a mirage. Olsen has been supremely lucky (.236 BABIP) and so has Renyel Pinto, one of the better (luckier) bullpen arms so far. Andrew Miller is very talented, but also very wild. On the whole, their pitching is far too poor to keep them atop the standings for the rest of the season. As for that other aspect of the game, fielding, they don’t have a single everyday player that really stands out defensively. Well, I guess some of them stand out at being bad defensively. The Marlins don’t really have a lot going for them looking forward (maybe Cameron Maybin in a few years, likewise with a new stadium). Right now, they have all kinds of luck going for them, but it probably won’t last.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: That’s A Negatory, My Good Man

St. Louis Cardinals

Most baseball fans are probably confused by how these scrubs and Albert Pujols have kept up with the overwhelmingly good Cubs so far. Future Hall of Famers Todd Wellemeyer, Ryan Ludwick, and Ryan Franklin, have all had very good years so far to compliment a few decent players (Ankiel, Glaus, Wainwright), and the usurper of Barry Bonds’ throne, Albert Pujols (.474 OBP, are you kidding me?). They undoubtedly have played very well and deserve what they’ve gotten so far (maybe one less win). But will it last? If you think Ludwick will continue to put up the 4th best EqA in baseball, and a rotation that is 80% converted relievers will keep on truckin’, then you probably need to lay off the sauce for a while. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t a bad team, but they certainly aren’t a good team. A lot of their players will fall back to Earth, while Pujols will try to collect all the balls he has hit into space. Their best prospect, Colby Rasmus, is having a rough go in AAA right now, but he has done nothing but hit in the minors. He should be a very good center fielder (Ankiel belongs in right) when they decide to give him a shot. Walt Jocketty exited stage right with the farm system relatively depleted, leaving John Mozeliak (University of Colorado alumnus!) with a tough job. Their major league team looks like a .500 club (not a .577 club) and the farm system needs some fertilizer (get it? Cause of “farm” and plants using fertilizer. That’s probably my greatest joke. It might even be the best joke ever written. I should also point out that Woody Paige is my favorite comedian). The rest of this season (and into the future) looks rather dim for the Cardinals, despite their flamin’ hot Cheetos start.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: Nay, Says The Jury

Today's Random Quote:
"The eyes are the groin of the head." Dwight K. Schrute (Rainn Wilson) in The (American) Office

Hopeless Spring Ain’t Eternal (Wow. I could be the next Woody Paige.)

Ignore the dumb title. ‘Twas dumb for the sake of dumb; like postdumberism, or something. Neverthenonetheless, the CU Buffs’ spring game this year was full of hope. No, that’s a lie. It was full of kids who wanted to be outside on the sunniest, hottest day of the new year and maybe get their buzz on. There was more roster checking and “who the hell is number…?” than cheering.

Cody Hawkins, whom most probably wanted to see throw a few passes, threw what seemed like two passes, one of which was a decently thrown touchdown. Everyone was pretty proud of him since it’s not often they allow dwarves to play quarterback, even if they are the coach’s son. Outside of the two times that Dan let Cody throw, there were endless option runs, reverses and boredom. Few fans were even watching the game. By the start of the second half, the student section was practically empty, gone to get plowed on The Hill.

There was some excitement, though, when one of the team’s top two recruits (Ralphie V) was unveiled at Folsom (Darrell Scott can’t play until he’s actually enrolled at the school). She took her runners for a ride; they could barely control her. One of them actually got trampled (though he was fine). Ralphie V could dominate some offensive lineman if Hawkins put her at defensive tackle. The new Ralphie could use a bit of practice, though. It seems like a circle is a little hard for her at the moment. She decided to stop near the southern endzone and it took about five dudes, and Dan Hawkins telling her “It’s Division I football!” to get her to run to her trailer.

Outside of Ralphie V and Cody’s two highlights, the football looked pretty pathetic. Either the defensive line is incredible (starters and reserves) or the offensive line is terrible. I hypothesize the latter. The pocket collapsed like Roger Clemens in front of a congressional hearing. I misremember, but I think there were more points off of blocked punts and field goals than runs or passes. Obviously it is a spring game and they aren’t going to be ready, but they looked like a junior high touch-football team could beat them.

Dan Hawkins is supposed to be a great coach and recruiter, and he has recruited some good players so far, but he hasn’t coached them all that well yet. Hawkins’ 97% reverse offense in last year’s bowl game was about as effective as Shelley Duvall’s performance in The Shining. Though Sports Illustrated ranked CU #1 in drunkest college football fans, it’ll be a long while before CU is ranked #1 by the BCS in football playing ability. I wonder if fan drunkenness goes up as football playing ability goes down. Or are they mutually exclusive?