The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week
The New York Post on Plaxico Burress' attempted goldbrickings on the night of his "shooting:"
"Getting special treatment at New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant."
Good work, Plaxico, on coming up with a better, or at least more realistic, name than Ron Mexico. Now, about the Applebees part... I'm sure many upstanding citizens have been shot at Applebees. I tried to get the 2 for 20$ deal with Nachos Nuevos as my appetizer, but the waitress said I could only get Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Crunchy Onion Rings, Boneless Buffalo Wings, or Mozzarella Sticks. She then shot me in the foot and I was forced to give her a 5% tip. But, I digress. My point is: What about the 100-200 people in the world who haven't been shot in Applebees? Plaxico, you are in the city of New York, no less. Millions of people are shot there a day. I think as sooon as you walk off the plane at LaGuardia they have some smiling, congenial woman shoot you. It's like the leis in Hawaii--it lets you experience part of the city's culture right off the plane. So why, of all places, did you choose Applebees, Plaxico? You could have been mugged... You could have been... I don't know, anything but getting shot at Applebees. You could have at least gone with Olive Garden and its dangerous mob ties.
__________________________________________________________________
Oakland @ San Diego
For all of you who are worried about the economy, I have some good news. Norv Turner has a seven figure salary. What I'm saying is: you don't have to be intelligent or qualified to get a high-paying job in America. I guess all you have to do is have heavy acne-scarring and frequently use your hand to fix your pretty mop-top. Want to see an impression of me whenever I see Philip "I know it's nighttime but the sun is still in my eyes, bro" Rivers? Norv Turner--the next Frank Caliendo.
Winner: Oakland--that's right
Jacksonville @ Chicago
Last week, the Bears got straight Frerotted, while Jaguars got Rosenfelled. Thems is tough pills to swallow. These are supposed to be great defenses. I know the Bears have been without cornerbacks for most of the year and the Jaguars thought it was a funny joke on the city of Jacksonville to get rid of Marcus Stroud. Still, shouldn't they be at least functional? If the Bears lose this one, Obama's firts presidential action might be decreeing the Bears terrorists against the city of Chicago.
Winner: Chicago
Minnesota @ Detroit
The Lions finally won their first game against the Vikings in 2001, to go to an admirable 1-12. Can they repeat? Uhhh... no. The Lions are in complete dissaray. They are at the point in the game where Malter Matthau told the biker kid to catch all of the balls hit in the outfield, causing resentment from his players. The Lions need Brad Childress to beat his son in front of everyone. Seriously, a Brad Childress child-beating is about all that can inspire the Lions at this point.
Winner: Minnesota
Cincinnati @ Indianapolis
That was a courageous effort against the Browns last week. The only way a touchdown would happen in that game was on a fumble recovery? 10-6? That's like a Notre Dame-Tennessee game except no funny fat people with miltary haircuts and belts 20 sizes too small or strange Kiffin family love fests.
Winner: Indianapolis
Philadelphia @ Football Giants
I bet Tom Coughlin was just red-faced about Plaxico's alleged Applebees shooting. As we all know from last year's playoffs, when those cheeks glow crimson, you look out because Coughlin is hitting the gas of his coaching engine. Also, why couldn't Plaxico's shot have missed his leg and het Jeremy Shockey instead? Yes, a bullet carrying from New York to New Orleans is implausible, but don't tell me you wouldn't want that. If that happened, I'd probably be at church on Sundays innstead of watching football.
Winner: Football Giants
Cleveland @ Tennesee
Oh, so the Titans are good again are they? Remember the 10-0 Titans? Denzel Washington was there. Just because they lost to the Jets doesn't make them bad. Then again, beating the Lions doesn't make you good. Still, when you have singer-songwriter Kerry Collins inspiring his team in the huddle with a fourth quarter country song, you're hard to beat. Also, who the fuck is Ken Dorsey? Too bad for Romeo Crennel.
Winner: Tennessee
Atlanta @ New Orleans
Matt Ryan for MVP! Matt Ryan for MVP! Okay, I get it. He's having a Marino-like rookie year. Still, there are about 20 better candidates. Plus, Michael Turner does most of the work for him anyway. Drew Brees, possibly the best MVP candidate, doesn't get as much love as Ryan. Brees could run a pass-only offense as be succesful, possibly moreso. At some point, the MVP award should be about the most valuable player, not the chic or "sexy" pick, as Howie Long calls it. Talk about sexy! Have you sen Firestorm? Howie Long is the male version of Julliette Lewis.
Winner: New Orleans
Houston @ Green Bay
Oh, poor Ahman Green. Why couldn't he have gotten his season-ending injury at Lambeau? It would have been a fitting return. Packers fans could recount the thousands of times Green limped or was carted off that hallowed field.
Winner: Green Bay
Tomorrow... the rest.
No comments:
Post a Comment