The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week*
*Used to be The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week, but I'm changing the name... for the next three weeks.
Nnandi Asomugha on the Raiders as a team:
"We're not close and it's clear we're not close. We don't play good football. We don't even play sound football."
Nice and to the point. That's all the quote you need. Aww.... shucks. I'll give you the rest:
"We were supposed to be playing football right? Coach Cable had us working on our swing at the driving range all week. I'm not sure if we were even in the right place for our game today. Pebble Beach, Qualcomm Stadium--it's all the same to me. What I do know is that whatever sport we were playing out there tonight, it certainly wasn't the right one."
_______________________________________________________________________
The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week*
*Decided to start this up this week (late I know). As the title says, it'll be a random aside about football or something of which football reminds me.
So, the number one draft pick is a pretty valuable commodity, right? How about instead of just giving it to the team with the worst record, they have a playoff for it. You take the worst teams--Bengals, Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Raiders, Seahawks--and have yourself a BCS-style ranking system. Lions would obviously be number 1 and the Bengals would be 2. Then you take the next two worst teams and have 3 play the Bengals and 4 play the Lions--higher ranking gets homefield advantage. While everyone else is watching the actual playoffs, these playoffs--I propose calling it the Matt Millen Bowl and the trophy would be a bronzed statuette of this face--can be shown on the NFL Network. Winner of the Matt Millen Bowl receives number one overall. The loser receives number 2 overall. Then there is a consolation round for 3 and 4. Though the games would be boring as shit, the concept of this, I think, would be highly entertaining. It would also provide excessive embarrassment for the teams and their fans, possibly giving them extra incentive to absolve themselves of their shittiness.
_______________________________________________________________________
New Orleans @ Chicago
I was checking out NFL.com last Thursday evening and their homepage said they had live online coverage of the Thursday night game. My first thought was: "Holy hell, they actually let people watch the NFL Network now?" So I investigated. Turns out the coverage is not the actual game, which I, and probably most other football fans, were curious to see. Instead they had "coverage" of Marshall Faulk discussing the game while it happened. What's that you say, Marshall? LaDainaIaianiNinian Tomlinson scored a touchdown? May I, perhaps, see it? No? I have to listen to you describe it vividly and make it happen in my head TV? This is more torturous than watching a gamecast. Then NFL.com has the gall to have a sideline cam from the game. You must watch some anonymous sideline reporter discuss worthless crap while the game goes on behind him. You have to try and peer around the reporter (thank God FOX got Tony Siragusa) and watch San Diego's goal line stand, while the reporter talks about how Paul McQuistan stubbed his mullet. Damn you, NFL Newtwork.
Winner: I got a hunch on Chicago
Tampa Bay @ Atlanta
How is Jeff Garcia still a relatively succesful NFL quarterback? He's approaching AARP mmbership age. He makes Danny Devito look like this guy. Plus, it's almost Christmas time. Shouldn't Santa have recalled all of his elves to the North Pole by now? Toys need to be made.
Winner: Atlanta
Washington @ Cincinnati
What if Jim Zorn and Clinton Portis got in a fight? Who would win? My money would be on Zorn. He would prance around Portis like the little monkey he is until Portis got tired and strained his 30th muscle of the season. By the way, Clinton Portis is the man, but complaining about not being involved in the offense? He has the fourth most rushing attempts in football. He is their offense.
Winner: Washington
Tennessee @ Houston
As it turns out, the Texans actually have a good offense when Sage Rosenfels isn't helicopter fumbling his way down the field. Their defense has some talented players too--Demeco Ryans, Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye if he could play to his talent. Maybe someday they could actually be good... Just not this day, or year.
Winner: Tennessee
Green Bay @ Jacksonville
So Matt Jones gets suspended for a few games for doing cocaine in a car. Pacman Jones almost gets suspended for his career because he was rough-housing with his bodyguard and broke a mirror--nice. Add to that, Fred Taylor was apparently doing some extreme thumbwrestling, and the Jaguars are dropping like flies--I mean dropping like David Garrard passes.
Winner: Green Bay
San Fransisco @ Miami
Who the hell is Shaun Hill and why is de doing so well? His career passer rating is 97.3. See you later, Alex Smith. Have fun in your textile factory, sewing with those little hands of yours.
Winner: Miami
Seattle @ St. Louis
This Sunday... One team was 2-11... At the botton of the barrell... Until they met... Another 2-11 team... In the most realistic, handicam-shakingly briliant horror masterwork of verisimiltude since Cloverfield... Comes this horrible game... Showing on a TV near you.
Winner: I guess Seattle. At this point it really doesn't matter for either team.
Buffalo @ Football Jets
Brett Farve hasn't been playing grittily enough the past few weeks. He's been trying to game manage instead of gunsling. If I were Eric Mangini, I would force the Jets to practice in a foggy, damp grove wearing Wrangler jeans. That's the only way to get your winning mentality back.
Winner: Football Jets
Part 2: Tomorrow
No comments:
Post a Comment