...And the rest...
Miami @ Buffalo
A few years back, there was a push, as there is now, to move an NFL team to Canada, but the Prime Minister (or some other high government official (can't remember)) had to axe the whole plan. The reasons? It would undermine Canadian culture and take away from the legitimacy of the CFL. Okay, first of all, Canadian "culture" is basically American culture except they are adamant about being different from Americans, for reasons only Canadians seem to believe are actual reasons. Second of all, the CFL being legitimate? Akili Smith played in the CFL. AKILI SMITH. There are a ton of people in Toronto and that would mean a ton of revenue for both the NFL and for the city of Toronto. Nobody cares about Buffalo ever since coal mining went out of fashion, despite Barack's attempts to revive it. It's time to get the Bills to a city that doesn't consist of 20 coal miners who worship Jim Kelly and talk about how they would kick the shit out of Scott Norwood if they ever saw him.
Winner: I like Buffalo here for some reason
Football Jets @ San Fransisco
His lord and savior Brett Favre, who is apparently infallible, went 23/43 for 247 yards with no TDs and an INT against the Broncos "defense." I think we are going to have to change the NFL rules so that that is a good line. Maybe the object of the game is to throw incomplete passes and throw interceptions??? Rex Grossman would be All-Pro. I find the Jets' quarterback transition very intriguing. They went from Chad Pennington who completes a shit load of passes and never gets intercepted, but he usually only gets a 6 to 8 inch gain. Brett the Gunslinger, meanwhile, heaves the ball wildly into triple coverage eighty yards downfield on first down, even if his receivers are all running short routes. Luckily for the Jets, Favre's picks are offset by his rugged good looks and ability to inpsire Thomas Jones to run for touchdowns 5 times a game.
Winner: Football Jets
New England @ Seattle
Where's your Matt Cassell now, media? Oh, he was so much better than Tom Brady. It was just that Steelers defense. His still the dreamiest QB on the Pats payroll. Anytime anybody on the Patriots does well, everyone starts talking about how great their coaching is and how everyone plays for the team. I DON'T CARE. GET OVER IT. Knowing the defense's play calls could make Andrew Walter a Pro Bowler. Also, they play for the team because if they don't, Bill Belichick will rip their heart out of their chest with his bare hand. Belichick could threaten Ryan Leaf into playing for the team.
Winner: New England
Kansas City @ Denver
The Chiefs have won two games this year. Against whom? The Raiders, duh. They also wonned the, for all intents and purposes, playoff-bound Broncos. Somehow, Mike Shanahan's face didn't explode that fateful day. If the Broncos lose again, Shanny's face will explode. He'll look like the aliens from John Carpenter's They Live, except "Rowdy" Roddy Piper won't need special sunglasses to see his disfigured visage. Both teams better bring their snowboots because it's gonna be a cold one. With snow everywhere and temperatures somewhere near that of Pluto's surface, expect a lot of running. It may be so cold that Larry Johnson will be too distracted to assault one of the cheerleaders.
Winner: Broncos
St. Louis @ Arizona
If the Rams keep playing this crappy, how is Chris Long going to get a movie deal like his daddy? I'm sure he simply views acting as a stepping stone to his film career, just like Jason Taylor. So his dad saved people from a forest fire. Chris could save the city of St. Louis from the Rams, metaphorically of course. Perhaps a deadly science experiment could cause rapid procreation in rams, as well as a thirst for human blood. Since there are so many rams in Missouri, it would be a horror/disaster movie of epic proportions. This summer... from the writers and producers of Congo, Outbreak and Terms of Endearment... when a science experiment goes horribly wrong... (violin crescendos and heavy bass drums abound) they got a thirst for human blood... (sudden shot of a ram snorting with bright red eyes) the citizenry of St. Louis was confused and without leadership... one man... had to overcome his fear of horned animals... and lead an entire city to safety... starring Chris Long... and multiple Grammy-winner Celine Dion... Deadly Horns: the Hero Within... based on a true story...
Winner: Arizona
Dallas @ Pittsburgh
In light of the recent mildy offesive sexual colloquialism being uttered publicly, I think Carrie Underwood should get in on the act. Jessica Simpson took her "sloppy seconds" in Tony Romo. The problem is, "sloppy seconds" doesn't really apply to a man. Maybe Jessica took her "recycled rod" or her "used unit." She could even go with something like "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the music industry for girls to fall in love with my 'herpes handler' I don't know what that's about. But enjoy my new single."
Winner: Dallas
Washington @ Baltimore
So, unbeknownst to me, Mark Clayton is still alive. The first round pick, who was an okay receiver this one time back in 2006, scored more fantasy points than any other receiver last week. I guess with the Ravens' sub-standard quarterbacking in recent years, I forgot that the Ravens actually had receivers, or an offense. Quietly, Joe Flacco and his unibrow of death (there's a movie idea for you, Hollywood), has a 108.3 passer rating over the last two weeks. Well, maybe facing the Bengals shouldn't count. Still, Flacco is certainly not losing games for the Ravens. What in the name of Harry Dean Stanton is going on here? Matt Ryan and Flacco playing well. I confuse.
Winner: Baltimore
Tampa Bay @ Carolina
Well, Jon Gruden has been wining and dining Jeff Garcia now for seven straight weeks. Aren't they basically dating now? I mean, their relationship must be hard, what with Gruden sleeping at the office and never going to Garcia's for a cuddle or two. Still, they work together so they get to see plenty of each other. Garcia must be a demon in the sack, for a manly man like Gruden to keep him around. With Garcia at 38, they should considered getting married and adopting a kid before they get too old. (Jeff Garcia's real wife, Carmella Decesare is TWELVE years younger than he is. And she has to look at the ginger naked. That poor woman)
Winner: Carolina has one of their good weeks
Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 98-63
No comments:
Post a Comment