Rox Recap 4/28/08 (The Reign of Cain Adds Greatly to My Pain)

I must apologize from the start to all my loyal readers (you know who the four of you are. Hi Mom and Dad!) I wasn’t paying very close attention to the Rockies game with the Giants last night because Eddie, starring the best actress ever with no eyebrows Whoopi Goldberg, was on AMC and frankly, it was exponentially more enthralling than watching our sorry asses get whipped by a team nearly everyone picked to be in last place. I would almost rather have watched the Little-Engine-That-Couldn’t Nuggets self destruct against the less talented Lakers. Instead I sat there listlessly, making casual glances to my computer screen before averting my eyes back to the feel good story about the Knicks of all teams that came through the boob tube.

1) I know we haven’t had the greatest success against Matt Cain in his career. He’s 5-3 with a 3.12 ERA and always seems to keep the Rockies bats in check when he’s not allowing 496 foot home runs to Big Daddy. By the way, the only positive aspect of watching the game last night was that they showed that replay of Matt running around the bases screaming “Yeah, bitch” at Cain. Priceless. Like I said, I know he’s had success but coming into yesterday’s game he was only 1-2 with a 5.27 ERA and not pitching like the dominant Cain we’ve come to know and hate. Of course, that didn’t matter as the Rockies mustered only 4 hits. I feel like Bob Uecker in Major League. 4 hits? 4 goddamn hits? When will the madness end? I changed my computer background from a picture of Tulo on Opening Day to a picture of God Elway himself after Super Bowl XXXII in hopes that karma will take over and good things will start happening, but I’m becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.

2) It seems like Garrett is the only Rockie who can get hits consistently as he had a pair to extend his hitting streak to a solid 13 games. Now for the laundry list of problems affecting the Rox this year: Jayson Nix has been optioned back to AAA after hitting a robust .111 in his first chance to start in the Major Leagues and will clear waivers in a couple days. Clint Barmes has cooled off a bit after his scorching start and has seen his playing time at second base temporarily supplanted by Jeff Baker who’s trying to add some pop to a lifeless lineup. Willy T is publically questioning his playing time after sitting out three consecutive games last week. Scotty Pods and Spilly are playing well enough to warrant some playing time of their own and it’s tough to find time for 5 guys when only three spots are available per game. Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales, and Mark Redman are all in serious trouble of losing their rotation spots. Jimenez doesn’t have any options left so he’s stuck with the big club as the Rox would have to be committed to an institution if they put him on waivers. Morales could be sent to the Springs to work out the kinks but Redman would probably just be cut from the team if he continues to underperform. Top pitching prospect Greg Reynolds has begun to bust out of an early season funk in AAA and finally got his first win last week pitching 8 strong innings. The Rockies’ brass probably wants to get him more time before they tell him to make the hour long drive up the interstate to Denver. We also have former Major League starter Josh Towers in the Springs who has experience in that role. Kip Wells had one of the spots in my mind before coming in last night to clean up Frankie K’s mess and immediately throwing 9 pitches, 8 balls to walk in 2 runs. I just don’t know anymore…I just don’t know.

3) Skip Hurdle did everything he could to rally the troops by getting tossed for the first time the season for arguing a balk call against Frankie K in the first inning. He was either really adamant about the point he was trying to make or he just didn’t want to see the ugliness unfold either. I don’t blame ya, Clint.

The Rox face another young flamethrower in Tim Lincecum on Tuesday who carries a 1-0 record in 2 career starts against the Rockies. This kid’s 5’11” and throws 99 mph. The Rockies couldn’t hit Barry Zito if they faced him right now. I think I smell what the Rock is cookin, and I don’t think it’s the tour de force film starring Nicholas Cage.

Season Recap (Insert catchy title here (I’m exhausted and the Rockies only exhaust me further))

I’m going to do one of Master Masterson’s recaps, except for the whole Rockies season to this point…

So, Yorvit Torrealba is taking some Rockies on a clothes shopping trip; maybe he should take Dan O’Dowd on a players shopping trip. The ones Clint Hurdle throws out there everyday aren’t getting it done. Not even close.

Some of the players are talented, but talent doesn’t win games; I’m pretty sure hitting, pitching and defense win games; though I’m not positive. The Rockies can’t hit (20^th in team OPS). They can’t pitch (24^th in team WHIP). Ok, I guess they are alright at fielding, but certainly not great. Put that all together and 10-16 is almost decent.

Look at the starting lineup:

Willy Taveras – not very good, period

Todd Helton – doing decently

Matt Holliday – just murdering the ball right now (could improve his slugging)

Garrett Atkins – decent, but OBP needs work, big time

Brad Hawpe – what happened?

Troy Tulowitzki – what happened?—times infinity

Clint Barmes – overachievement is a pleasant surprise

Yorvit Torrealba – terrible hitter who shouldn’t start

The only way that lineup is going to put up any wins is if you have 12 Jake Peavy’s and Johan Santana’s pitching for you. Instead, the Rockies have a bunch of ‘07 Jeff Weaver’s. Jeff Francis must have been taken over by a T-1000, hell bent on destroying the Rockies (Terminator 2 shreds!). U-ball-four-do Jimenez has twice as many wild pitches as anyone in baseball and seems to believe that baserunners are a good thing. Franklin Delano Morales has more balks than strikeouts (untrue, but wouldn’t surprise me). Then there is Manny Corpas who seems to have been taken over by a T-2000 or something that can blow saves with its mind and telepathically communicate with a hitter, telling them exactly what it’s about to throw. The pitching staff looks replacement level right now—not good!

What do we do now? Scrap and rebuild? Billy Beane’s A’s have the best record in the AL in a “rebuilding” year. Sadly, comparing Billy Beane to Dan O’Dowd is illegal in most states, when it’s not a joke (please don’t tell the feds on me). The Rockies look destitute right now. What is more indicative of the year than Tulo slamming a bat or helmet and yelling after half of his plate appearances? All that slamming and yelling doesn’t seem to be helping anyone. I refuse to believe that my favorite baseball player is just acting. Winning must be more important to him than $31 mil over 6 years. Right?

Maybe I’m being pessimistic and premature. After all, the Rockies started out pretty poorly last year. I just don’t see the 21-1 fluke happening again; as much as I want it to. I feel like the old Rockies fan in me is coming back. I no longer turn on the TV expecting them to win. I turn it on in hopes of them maybe staving off their screw ups until at least the seventh inning. Where is Jamey Wright? Where is Choo Freeman? Danny Ardoin? If they are going to lose so much, at least they could have comically bad players. I feel like it is 2005 all over again. Will it be the eternal recurrence of the Rockies’ washout same? Pretty please, no. With sugar on top. And a cherry. Hell, I’ll throw in a fiver, nay, a twenty. Is that enough?

If I had a couple hundred million dollars, I would gladly give it to the Rockies. My only condition would be that they drop Dan O'Dowd and hire David Forst as GM.

This is turning into a Dan O'Dowd slander site.

Today’s Random Quote:

“Hell?!?!? (points to his head) This is hell. Right Here!” – Benicio Del Toro in 21 Grams

I just thought of the most depressing line from the most depressing movie that I could think of. Depression is apropos right now if you are a Colorado sports fan.