20 Things I Enjoy More Than Watching the Broncos Right Now

I'm not going to dignify the Broncos' Week 12 effort with a detailed, analytical response.

Therefore, here are a list of things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose in a frustratingly embarrassing manner:

1. Creed
2. High School Musical
3. Watching Roseanne sing the National Anthem
4. Brett Favre
   
5. Shotgunning Natty Light
6. The New York Yankees
7. Passing a kidney stone
8. Sitting through a Wagnerian opera
9. Reading a Jane Austen novel
10. Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey
11. MTV
12. Vomiting
13. Standing in line at the DMV
14. Getting kicked in the groin
15. Watching The Vagina Monologues with Andrew Dice Clay
16. Getting stuck in rush-hour traffic
17. Hunting with Dick Cheney
18. Drinking the water in Mexico
19. Frank TV commercials
20. An evening with Pacman Jones

Those are just a few of the things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose the way they did yesterday.

Rockies Re.....ah, who cares. They don't deserve a snappy title.

I'm not going to say much about the Rockies because frankly, what more can be said? They suck. They have no heart. They've lost 9 in a row on the road, 5 in a row to start this 10 game road trip, and blew a 9-1 lead today to lose 10-9 to the Cubs. This is the low point of the season. I say that because I can't even fathom what more they could do to lose a baseball game. Bash 3 home runs and lose? Check. Have your ace on the mound staked to an 8 run lead? Check. Commit costly errors late in the game with a lead? Check. These guys aren't playing like Major Leaguers. Hell, they aren't even playing like Little Leaguers. They have no clutch hitting, no starting pitching, no bullpen, no defense, and no offense. Last time I checked, those were key components of a winning baseball team. We're now 20-35. How the hell did we win 20? Every time we take the field, we know we're going to lose. What do we have to do to win a damn baseball game? Nothing's going to change. I'm sick of watching this team, but I know that come tomorrow, I'll be sitting right here in front of the TV, marveling at another unexplainable loss.

Let's go Broncos. I need some good news.

Rox Recap 5/26/08 (Phrickin' Pathetic)

Watching tonight’s game reminded me of the movie Major League III: Back to the Minors starring the irreplaceable Scott Bakula. You know the movie, where the hotshot AAA manager of a group of misfits challenges the arrogant Major League team owner to a game just to prove how much their heart can overcome the talent of the big club. Of course, Scott Bakula prevails in the Hollywood ending. Watching tonight’s game was like watching what would happen to the minor league team in real life. With the lineup we’re throwing out there every night for at least the next few weeks, I fear we might be in for many similar sickening contests.

1) Our “starter” Jorge de la Rosa, who was only our starter because no one else this side of Spilly is going to replace him, served up more meatballs than Emeril Lagasse. No matter how hard you throw a fastball, and Rosie can only get it up to 93 when he muscles up, if there is no movement on it Major League hitters will rock you. Facing the Phillies lineup right now is like running head first into a moving buzzsaw. After scoring 15 runs yesterday against the Astros they put up another 20 off our “pitching staff” tonight. This has to be Rosie's last start for the Rockies because we can’t continue to throw AA pitchers (at best) into the fire of a Major League season. By the way, Rosie was the guy that Dan O’Dowd thought so highly of that he felt it necessary to trade Ramon Ramirez to the Royals back in Spring Training. What has Ram Ram done so far in Kansas City? He’s sporting a sick 2.14 ERA with 25 strikeouts in 21 innings pitched. You think we could have used those numbers in our underachieving bullpen? Dealin’ Dan strikes again.

2) After the top of the first inning in which Spilly blasted a 3 run shot to give us a short lived lead (and the only bright spot of the entire night), the Rockies were outscored 20-1. Three Phillies hitters had 4 or more RBIs including famed Rockie killer Chase Utley who totaled a whopping 6. Out of the 6 Rockies pitchers used, Manny Corpas was the most impressive and with his track record from this season, that’s never a good sign. We totaled 8 walks and 19 hits allowed. We also struck out 10 times including an inexcusable 7 against soft tossing, 45 year old lefty Jamie Moyer who last cracked 90 miles an hour on a pitch during the Clinton era. It’s one thing to be a team full of impatient young hitters who have trouble staying back against a crafty veteran, but to not make any adjustments throughout the course of a 9 inning ball game is just indefensible. We’ve prided ourselves on the depth of our farm system and now it’s their time to prove that they’re either prepared for prime time or just another part of our pitiful problems.

3) 20 runs given up by our “pitching staff” in today’s ballgame wasn’t just impressively horrid, it was unwatchable. I found myself enthralled in American Gladiators which was much more entertaining than that sorry excuse for a baseball game. Those contenders on that show have heart that our “pitching staff” can only wish for. One contender actually dislocated his left shoulder during the Eliminator obstacle course, popped it back in, and finished the course in near record time. Oh yeah, and he was legally deaf as well. Why am I talking about American Gladiators on a blog about Rocky Mountain sports? Well, would you want to keep discussing topics that make you want to find the nearest cement wall, take a running start, and just see if you can bash your head right through it? I didn’t think so.

Our first trip back to Philly since our triumph last Rocktober was like watching the new Indiana Jones right after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark. No only did it leave us yearning for past successes, but it made us want to vomit and throw things at our tv.

Go, um, Rapids.

Rox Recap 5/14/08 (What the Hell's Goin On Out There?)

My apologies to everyone who has sat at their computer screens, refreshing their browser window, anxiously awaiting the moment that I post a new blog. I’m graduating from Kenyon College on Saturday and this whole week is dedicated to the school throwing the seniors a bunch of keggers in celebration of their impending release into the real world, so forgive me for not being in the right frame of mind for a blog post. Anyhoo, what was I supposed to be talking about? The Rockies? The 15-24 Rockies? The team whose ace is winless and sports a 6.27 ERA? The team who can’t seem to manage to make any kind of sustained run of success? The team who only seems to win when Aaron Cook toes the rubber? Right, those Rockies. I give Aaron Cook about 25 more projected starts on the season if he stays healthy. If the Rockies win all of those games, our final record would stand at a cool 40-122, making us literally the worst team in baseball history. Do I think that would happen? Heck no. The bullpen would blow at least a few of Cookie’s starts and finally the madness would catch up to Cookie and he would demand to be traded, knowing that he already had the Cy Young Award in his pocket with those 31 wins. Does this sound like I’m rambling? Maybe, but it’s hard to write about a subject you’re so passionate about when all it gives you is frustration and a heaping helping of mental instability. I’m going to do my best to just focus on the positives in this post, hoping that the good vibes will rub off on our boys in purple, but I’m livin’ on the edge when it comes to my optimism.

1) Is anybody hotter than Garrett Atkins right now? Maybe Jessica Alba, but that might be about it. He’s the Triple Crown front runner on the Rox right now with a .335 average, 7 home runs, and 26 rbi’s. He’s also leading in hits, doubles, and total bases. If it weren’t for Jerry, I don’t even want to think how much worse off we’d be. He absolutely obliterated a home run to left center off Randy Johnson last night, the ball traveling well over 450 feet. What else does he have to do to try and get the Rox out of this funk? I’m not sure if he could pitch all that well, but it couldn’t be worse than the abominable performances we’ve thrown out there this year. Maybe we could make an exception and bat Garrett 8 times throughout the lineup with an occasional at bat from Matt or Todd.

2) Manny Corpas pitched an entire inning without giving up a hit or a run, so you know, that’s cool I guess.

3) 5 players had multi hit games including the diminutive but deadly Jon Herrera who’s banging down Skip Hurdle’s door for more playing time. He’s got a .400 on base percentage in 8 games so far and has been sterling defensively. He should get more of a chance though Grimes-y is still hitting .337 and Quintanilla is keeping it real too.

Is Aaron Cook pitching yet? No? Fantastic.

Rox Recap Cinco de Mayo (Blast from the Past 2: Worse than that Brendan Fraser Movie)

Finding new and inventive ways to lose used to be the Rockies’ calling card. Then Rocktober happened and it seems Colorado fans forgot all about the lost gambles, the broken hearts, and the suffering we’ve endured throughout the years as we watched terrible teams self destruct by the time the calendar turned to May. They gave us hope last year but now, the real Rockies have returned. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst team in baseball. On any given night, the bullpen could blow a 3 run lead late in the ballgame, the offense could go 0-11 with runners in scoring position, the starting pitcher could give up 10 runs in the first inning, or a player with 40 career stolen bases in 8 seasons could score from second base on a groundball to win the game for the opposition.

1) Ubaldo Jimenez completed another frustratingly inconsistent start last night going 5 innings giving up 7 hits, 4 runs, and balancing 3 walks with 4 strikeouts. He would be brilliant at times by striking out Albert Pujols and Rick “Wild Thing” Ankiel with a runner on third and 1 out and then he would labor through a 10 pitch at bat to the opposing pitcher with the ultimate result being a 2 run double. He’s pitched well enough in his last two starts to keep his rotation spot…I guess, but it’s only because no one’s banging down the door to replace him. Who would we sign? Matt Morris? No thanks, we’re shitty enough as it is.

2) Hopefully Hawpe on Pawpe is starting to heat up as he’s hit 2 home runs in the last 3 games. He’s a streaky hitter and he’s been going the wrong way most of the year, so I’m doing all my praying to the big J man in the sky that he’s bout to start rockin like his batter’s ditty.

3) Thanks be to Elway that Aaron Cook is pitching like an ace. Someone has to, right? For a team in dire need of a stopper in the starting rotation, Cook has stopped losing streaks of 4, 3 (twice), and 2 so far this year and coincidentally also stopped the two longest winning streaks of opposing teams this season (2 9-gamers by the Doyers and D-Bags). He’s 5-1 with a 2.40 ERA, getting hitters to pound pitches into the dirt, and well on his way to his first All-Star appearance (it doesn’t hurt that Skip Hurdle is managing the NL All-Stars (reminiscent of Gary Busey leading an army of the dead into battle, anyone?)) Oh yeah, parentheses inside parentheses. Cookie’s been incredible so far and the Rockies have won all 6 of his starts, but it wouldn’t be too much to ask for the Rockies to win a start by another pitcher. For serial.

I don’t know what to do about this team. I don’t want to wear any of my Rockies gear because they’re making me ashamed of them, but at the same time I want to get behind my boys and rally the troops a little. Right now, I’ll take any kind of win. I don’t care if we have to win on a technicality. I just want it done. Who’s pitching tonight? Mark Redman? Shit.

Sorry, I'm Just Venting (Coors is involved)

My optimism is fading fast to the point where I'm reverting to my old "there we go again" Rockies fan form. I'm howling at the moon a bit right now, so I'm only going to write a few quick observations. 1) The Rockies suck. 2) Speed Racer sucks worse than the Rockies. 3) Jeff Francis deserved a better fate than he got tonight. 4) Reno 911 sucks waaaaaay worse than the Rockies. 5) Manny Corpas may need a AAA timeout. 6) Species is a sweet movie.

That's all I have. I'm at a loss for words. We can't be that bad, can we?

Rox Recap 4/28/08 (The Reign of Cain Adds Greatly to My Pain)

I must apologize from the start to all my loyal readers (you know who the four of you are. Hi Mom and Dad!) I wasn’t paying very close attention to the Rockies game with the Giants last night because Eddie, starring the best actress ever with no eyebrows Whoopi Goldberg, was on AMC and frankly, it was exponentially more enthralling than watching our sorry asses get whipped by a team nearly everyone picked to be in last place. I would almost rather have watched the Little-Engine-That-Couldn’t Nuggets self destruct against the less talented Lakers. Instead I sat there listlessly, making casual glances to my computer screen before averting my eyes back to the feel good story about the Knicks of all teams that came through the boob tube.

1) I know we haven’t had the greatest success against Matt Cain in his career. He’s 5-3 with a 3.12 ERA and always seems to keep the Rockies bats in check when he’s not allowing 496 foot home runs to Big Daddy. By the way, the only positive aspect of watching the game last night was that they showed that replay of Matt running around the bases screaming “Yeah, bitch” at Cain. Priceless. Like I said, I know he’s had success but coming into yesterday’s game he was only 1-2 with a 5.27 ERA and not pitching like the dominant Cain we’ve come to know and hate. Of course, that didn’t matter as the Rockies mustered only 4 hits. I feel like Bob Uecker in Major League. 4 hits? 4 goddamn hits? When will the madness end? I changed my computer background from a picture of Tulo on Opening Day to a picture of God Elway himself after Super Bowl XXXII in hopes that karma will take over and good things will start happening, but I’m becoming more and more discouraged with each passing day.

2) It seems like Garrett is the only Rockie who can get hits consistently as he had a pair to extend his hitting streak to a solid 13 games. Now for the laundry list of problems affecting the Rox this year: Jayson Nix has been optioned back to AAA after hitting a robust .111 in his first chance to start in the Major Leagues and will clear waivers in a couple days. Clint Barmes has cooled off a bit after his scorching start and has seen his playing time at second base temporarily supplanted by Jeff Baker who’s trying to add some pop to a lifeless lineup. Willy T is publically questioning his playing time after sitting out three consecutive games last week. Scotty Pods and Spilly are playing well enough to warrant some playing time of their own and it’s tough to find time for 5 guys when only three spots are available per game. Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales, and Mark Redman are all in serious trouble of losing their rotation spots. Jimenez doesn’t have any options left so he’s stuck with the big club as the Rox would have to be committed to an institution if they put him on waivers. Morales could be sent to the Springs to work out the kinks but Redman would probably just be cut from the team if he continues to underperform. Top pitching prospect Greg Reynolds has begun to bust out of an early season funk in AAA and finally got his first win last week pitching 8 strong innings. The Rockies’ brass probably wants to get him more time before they tell him to make the hour long drive up the interstate to Denver. We also have former Major League starter Josh Towers in the Springs who has experience in that role. Kip Wells had one of the spots in my mind before coming in last night to clean up Frankie K’s mess and immediately throwing 9 pitches, 8 balls to walk in 2 runs. I just don’t know anymore…I just don’t know.

3) Skip Hurdle did everything he could to rally the troops by getting tossed for the first time the season for arguing a balk call against Frankie K in the first inning. He was either really adamant about the point he was trying to make or he just didn’t want to see the ugliness unfold either. I don’t blame ya, Clint.

The Rox face another young flamethrower in Tim Lincecum on Tuesday who carries a 1-0 record in 2 career starts against the Rockies. This kid’s 5’11” and throws 99 mph. The Rockies couldn’t hit Barry Zito if they faced him right now. I think I smell what the Rock is cookin, and I don’t think it’s the tour de force film starring Nicholas Cage.