Finding new and inventive ways to lose used to be the Rockies’ calling card. Then Rocktober happened and it seems Colorado fans forgot all about the lost gambles, the broken hearts, and the suffering we’ve endured throughout the years as we watched terrible teams self destruct by the time the calendar turned to May. They gave us hope last year but now, the real Rockies have returned. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst team in baseball. On any given night, the bullpen could blow a 3 run lead late in the ballgame, the offense could go 0-11 with runners in scoring position, the starting pitcher could give up 10 runs in the first inning, or a player with 40 career stolen bases in 8 seasons could score from second base on a groundball to win the game for the opposition.
1) Ubaldo Jimenez completed another frustratingly inconsistent start last night going 5 innings giving up 7 hits, 4 runs, and balancing 3 walks with 4 strikeouts. He would be brilliant at times by striking out Albert Pujols and Rick “Wild Thing” Ankiel with a runner on third and 1 out and then he would labor through a 10 pitch at bat to the opposing pitcher with the ultimate result being a 2 run double. He’s pitched well enough in his last two starts to keep his rotation spot…I guess, but it’s only because no one’s banging down the door to replace him. Who would we sign? Matt Morris? No thanks, we’re shitty enough as it is.
2) Hopefully Hawpe on Pawpe is starting to heat up as he’s hit 2 home runs in the last 3 games. He’s a streaky hitter and he’s been going the wrong way most of the year, so I’m doing all my praying to the big J man in the sky that he’s bout to start rockin like his batter’s ditty.
3) Thanks be to Elway that Aaron Cook is pitching like an ace. Someone has to, right? For a team in dire need of a stopper in the starting rotation, Cook has stopped losing streaks of 4, 3 (twice), and 2 so far this year and coincidentally also stopped the two longest winning streaks of opposing teams this season (2 9-gamers by the Doyers and D-Bags). He’s 5-1 with a 2.40 ERA, getting hitters to pound pitches into the dirt, and well on his way to his first All-Star appearance (it doesn’t hurt that Skip Hurdle is managing the NL All-Stars (reminiscent of Gary Busey leading an army of the dead into battle, anyone?)) Oh yeah, parentheses inside parentheses. Cookie’s been incredible so far and the Rockies have won all 6 of his starts, but it wouldn’t be too much to ask for the Rockies to win a start by another pitcher. For serial.
I don’t know what to do about this team. I don’t want to wear any of my Rockies gear because they’re making me ashamed of them, but at the same time I want to get behind my boys and rally the troops a little. Right now, I’ll take any kind of win. I don’t care if we have to win on a technicality. I just want it done. Who’s pitching tonight? Mark Redman? Shit.
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