State of the NL West: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Pickewwwww! Pickewwwww! Splosion!

The Good

‘Zona D’Bags

Well, the children got good it appears—in a hurry. They are scoring and preventing runs and so far their Pythagorean record is identical to their actual record. That means they are winning legitimately, unlike that travesty to baseball that was their 2007 season. Conor Jackson is finally hitting with some power and really coming into his own. They also have Upton, Drew and Hudson hitting very well too. On top of that, Brandon Webb continues to show everyone that he plays for keeps. They also happen to have one of the best pitchers in baseball (and unfortunately one of my favorite players) in Dan Haren. As if that wasn’t enough, Micah Owings decided he was going to be a good pitcher overnight, and, of course, he continues to hit like Barrold Bonds. Why did they make him a pitcher instead of their left fielder? As for the next wave of youth, they have Max Scherzer looking talented, but rather unrefined. They also have Jarrod Parker and Gerardo Parra. Parker is an almost-as-diminutive-as-Lincecum right-hander with a Terminator. Parra is apparently a six-tool player, with a hose (arm), wheels, power, contact, glove, and a belt sander. Luckily, they don’t have a whole lot else in the system since the A’s cleaned them out in the Haren trade, and for some reason unbeknownst to intelligence, they traded Carlos Quentin.

Lohs Ahnyehleis Doiyers

Who the hell thought they would actually win a few games? Well, I guess a lot of analysts did—against logic, in my opinion. Loney and Kemp are overrated. Jones and Garciaparra aren’t only over the hill, they fell off the cliff. Penny and Lowe always seem to perform better than they actually are. And Juan Pierre should not be paid to play baseball. On the other hand, Ethier is good. Furcal is even better (though disabled listed). Martin is stuck off the realness. Blake DeWitt decided to be good!?!?!?!1198710!> And Broxton and Saito are holding down the fort—though it should be a couch cushion fort. Like the Bags, their farm system seems a little depleted. Clayton Kershaw, though, has pitched frighteningly well so far in his professional career. He will soon be embarrassing major league hitters with his all-world yellow snapdragon Uncle Charlie yacker hook majig. They also have Andy LaRoche who is a certified Professor Murder when it comes to baseballs. But most importantly (and probably the reason they've won all those game), Danny Ardoin is on their team! Seriously, Danny Ardoin is their backup catcher. In case you’re too young to remember, Ardoin used to be the Rockies starting catcher. He also is yet, to this day, to get his first major league hit after just over 400 plate appearances. Danny Ardoin… oh, man. Ned Coletti, you genius!

The Bad

Coloradee Shit-kickers

I probably can skip this section. Anthony and I have discussed pretty much everything that could be said here. Cliff Notes: awful pitching, underperformance, bad managing, but also a pretty decent draft last year (so far). There is a little hope with the promising 2007 draft, Reynolds doing well, Iannetta remembering how to hit, and Jimenez’s 44-leaf clover that he found three starts ago. At least they don’t have Danny mother-flippin’ Ardoin.

The Ugly

Berkeley Shittie Hippies

Maybe they should be in The Bad section, since they have a better record than the Rockies (though their Pythagorean record suggests they shouldn’t). But I just can’t help but think they have one of the worst farm systems in the country. Maybe this new Ethanol fuel is getting to them. Hey, it hurts us all. I have to pay more money for beer. Latin Americans can’t afford corn tortillas anymore. So, quit your bitchin’ Giants. Their major league system (?) is equally, possibly more, crappy than their minor league system. Cain and Lincecum are good (if a little wild). Aaron Rowand is decent. That’s all. 3 good players. 3! They have a very large child named Angel Villalona whom everyone seems to think is the new God of hitting at age 17. His OPS so far in his professional career is .756, which is roughly Joe Crede-good and he can’t play defense. On top of their best (and only) prospect Bobby Kielty-ing it, they have to live out Barry Zito’s contract. That’s like Beach Boys episode of Full House funny (Full House took place in San Fransisco, in case you forgot). Though they’ve been merely bad so far this year, the ugly is on its way—we’re talking Joakim Noah type of ugly.

The Whale’s Vagina Fathers (San Diego Padres for the non German/Spanish speaking readers)

The Fathers are looking nones the good right now. And the fact that nobody cares about baseball in San Diego makes them sixpence nones the richer. On top of everything they do going down the tubes, Jake Peavy is DLed—there she goes again. They have two capable hitters—Giles and Gonzalez. There bullpen is pretty decent as well. But Chris Young is having a tough year so far and their usually amazing pitching isn’t all that amazing anymore. Mark Prior ain’t going to fix it either. They have a few decent hitting prospects in Matt Antonelli, Kyle Blanks (of being the size of Godzilla fame) and Chase Headley—all of whom should be good major league hitters. Their farm system looks rather bland pitching-wise. So, right now, things are looking pretty crapcore. But, unlike the Giants, they have some intelligent front office people—Kevin Towers and Paul DePodesta to be specific. Things should turn around a bit for the Fathers in the long-term, but this year, they look Pearl Harbor-bad. Too soon?

...And Rip Hamilton just called Michelle Tafoya "sir" for a second time. This time she didn't laugh at him. Rip certainly is a man of strong conviction. Or strong ignorance—in that he doesn't know you aren't supposed to say "yes, sir" to a woman.

...And Jason Taylor has an anti-animal cruelty commercial, where he holds a puppy in his lap (and bailamos-es?). Do I sense some beef with Vick coming?

Today’s Random Quote:

“I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” – Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman