There Can Be Only One

Highlander??? Everybody has seen those NBA playoff commercials by now. These. The "you gotta step up or you go home, I no longer feel the fear," splitface deals. As far as game advertisements go, they are pretty decent, if repetitive. Well, they got me thinking… What if baseball ripped the NBA off and did the exact same thing for the baseball playoffs? And I thought of some possibilities…

1.David Eckstein/Mike Lowell

Background Song: “Like a Rock” by Bob Seger

And the script would go something like this:

What does it take to be World Series MVP?

Are you gritty?

A grinder?

A meatball sub?

To be MVP, most of all it takes courage.

Courage to stand up to your white skin and say, “I will get a hit.”

“I will refuse to be denied.”

And if you can do that…

Nobody will care about what your teammates did.

You won the game.

All by your gritty, white self.

Title: There Can Be Only One Gritty Race

2.Tim McCarver/Joe Morgan

Background Song: “Fur Beach” by Daughters

I couldn’t possibly try to form some script for this because it would be utter chaos. The directors of the commercial would try to convince them to follow a script and speak simultaneously, but that would never happen. McCarver would try his faux poetry that makes little to no sense, but almost seems like English because of his smooth, southern drawl. McCarver would cause himself to be so overwhelmingly self-satisfied by his ability to wax poetic that he would stare at the camera with a smug smirk on his face for the remainder of the commercial. Morgan, meanwhile, would be spouting about consistency and “true” clutch hitting, but would forget whom he was talking about. He would then start talking about how he knew Robinson Cano was going to be a good hitter when he came up. Afterwards he would decide that he was doing a Cubs game and say that Alfonso Soriano is more comfortable in leadoff spot, over and over, even while all the titles are going up.

Title: There Can Be Only One Worst Ever Color Commentator

3. Dane Cook/Frank Caliendo

Background Song: “When Doves Cry” by Prince

Again, a script for this would be utterly impossible. Caliendo would do an impression of Cook. The commercial would generally consist of the camera trying to follow both of them around and keep their faces matched up, while there was profuse yelling, stomping, and saying “bro,” without any remotely intelligent or funny things being said. About midway through the commercial, everyone’s TV would explode. But by that point, everyone in the entire world would have lost their sense of humor (even if they weren’t watching—the effect would be THAT devastating). Humans would then devolve and lose the ability to laugh, causing it to be some mythical reaction that confuses and scares future generations when they see it on old television shows and movies.

Title: There Can Be Only One October

4. Derek Jeter/Derek Jeter

Background Song: “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal

And the script would go something like this:

There’s so much pressure in the playoffs.

So many eyes watching.

You just have to know that you belong.

For me, that’s easy.

I’m driven.

Clutch means more cologne.

It means never having to get balls hit up the middle.

It means shitting excellence.

It means making your teammates better just by the majesty of your presence.

And then…

When they are sliding the ring on your finger…

And you can feel the champagne burning your eyes...

You will know that Derek Jeter must have been on your team.

Because otherwise, you couldn’t have won the World Series.

Title: There Can Be Only One Derek Jeter

Today's Random Quote:
"'Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Riboon, man!' - 'Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet. Whoa, I'm slutty. Whoa, I'm slutty.' - Pauly Shore in Bio Dome"

That was a quote citation of another quote. Sooooo meta.