Masterson's Musings Part Deux

- So it appears the Broncos have gone back to the tradition of playing glam-rock supergod Gary Glitter's "Rock and Roll Part II" after every Broncos touchdown. They had shied away from it the last few years after Gary's, ahem, "unflattering transgressions" had come to light. Child molestation charges be damned! That song gets me fired up!

- The Mets and Brewers both put their September chokes on hold for at least one night by winning both of their games in dramatic, walk-off fashion. It's a good thing too. Both Mr. Met and Bernie Brewer had mysteriously disappeared before their respective games. After the wins, it was discovered that Bernie had ridden off on his Harley with a 30 rack of Beast Light, leaving Mrs. Brewer alone with their handicapped child, Beast Ice. Mr. Met, stumbled into Shea Stadium in the 9th inning, a blue ribbon attached to his jersey proclaiming he had finished 4th in a Barry Bonds look-alike contest in a Staten Island bar. More to come on the status of these two mascots after this weekend of play.

- Jorge de la Rosa picked up his 10th win of the year tonight for the Rockies as he shut down the almighty powerful (AA) Giants lineup in San Fran. Though he did have an odd sequence to start off the second inning. He crossed up his catcher, fired one to the backstop, and then proceeded to do the same thing again, but magically kept a run from scoring when one of his Dontrelle Willis' bounced right back to Chris Iannetta and he tagged the runner out at the plate. No word yet on whether Kevin Costner told him to do this.

- So I was watching The Patriot starring Mel Gibson today and it got me thinking. Instead of Mel Gibson for the role of Benjamin Martin, what about a real Patriot, like Tom Brady? I can see it now.....his son, passionately telling his father that he must fight for his country.

Tom Brady's son: I am not a child!
Tom Brady: You're my child!.......I think, wait, which one's your mother again? You were the little bastard I had with Bridget Moynahan, right? Or were you Gisele? Shit, I can't keep track of all that hot chicks I've banged in my life. Ah, what the hell, go to war. I'll still look good on the cover of GQ talking about God and how he guides all of my touchdown passes with his loving hand.

Or better yet, how about America's Golden Boy, Brett Favre? ESPN says he loves America. They also say he singlehandedly ended the War on Terror by playing in a homo-erotic, multiracial flag football game with Osama bin Laden. Can't you imagine this scene from the Patriot? Favre with the American flag, charging the limey British general, making sure his Wranglers are spotless, he pops a Prilosec OTC (or was that a pain pill?) and jams the soul of America into the heart of those cheeky Brits. I think a tear just fell from my eye...

-I'm almost positive that we could cut down on violence in this country by about 57% if every year, we had a National Punch AJ Pierzynski In The Face Day.

-Go Broncos.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week:
"That’s the kind of guy I want to take in my fox hole." - Brandon Marshall

I'll let you ponder about what he is saying there.

_______________________________________________________________

Atlanta at Carolina

Who would have thought that a 45-year old former MTV VJ turned talk show host could be a decent NFL running back? And who would have thought that Matt Ryan wouldn't throw only interceptions in the NFL?

Winner: Carolina

Cleveland at Cincinnati

The ultimate Ohio showdown. Too bad Ohio State is better than both these teams and they can barely beat Regular Ohio. I put it to you: Romeo Crennel would look awesome in a sweater vest.

Romeo, o, Romeo, wherefore art thou sweater vest, Romeo? That's five minutes of Windows Paint genius. Boo ya!

Winner: All other professional sports that are played in Ohio. If I must, Cleveland.

Houston at Jacksonville

Hurricane Ike apparently has only devastated the Texan's offensive line. Too soon? Insensitive? Perhaps. Expect 10 people in the crowd at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. Could somebody explain to me why Florida has three football teams? Old people don't like football. They like buffets.

Winner: Jaguar beats Texan. Paper covers rock.

Denver at Kansas City

LL Cool Jay vs. the Chiefs' secondary: Mama Said Knock You Out. A message to Chiefs' rookie starting CB Brandon Flowers: Somebody told me that you had boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year.

Winner: Denver

San Fransisco at New Orleans

Wow, Reggie Bush has finally realized his Barry Sanders-like potential... as a checkdown receiver. I think his girlfriend Kim Kardashian's, um, sweater cows, are bigger than Bush's entire body. Maybe she can run those things between the tackles.

Winner: The (covers cartoon mouth with some object so that the audio can be changed for future showings of the episode) New Orleans Saints

Arizona at New York Football Jets

Headline on ESPN.com today: Brett Favre has allegedly farted. Favre has apparently issued an apology, saying that the situation was between he and his family. He said that he is only worried about his next football game. Analysts are wondering how he plans to explain this to Deanna.

Winner: Football Jets

Green Bay at Tampa Bay

The battle of the Bays. Rather, it should be the battle of the visor vs. the full-blown hat. Wasn't Jon Gruden in the new Batman?

Winner: Green Bay

Minnesota at Tennessee

My elder brother, Adrian Peterson, will try to not get his head stomped on by Albert Haynesworth. Also, Cortland Finnegan deserves credit for having the second most blatantly Irish name in the NFL, after Adewale Ogunleye.

Winner: Houston Oilers

San Diego at Oakland

San Diego's purportedly excellent defense has been far from excellent so far this year. Maybe Shawne Merriman can hook up some of the other guys on their D with some steroids. All the Oakland D can get is probably Viagra from Al Davis.

Winner: San Diego

Buffalo at St. Louis

St. Louis, meet Trent Green... again. Scott Linehan, with his job on the line, is putting a sufferer of Alzheimer's at quarterback. We'll see how many times he lines up at fullback, provided, of course, that he doesn't get a concussion doing his pregame warm-up.

Winner: Southern Toronto Bills

Washington at Dallas

Cowboys vs. Indians, eh? At a press conference today, when asked about Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo said, "Girls are yucky. They have cooties." In rebuttal, Jason Campbell has reportedly called Romo a "butthead," saying he should "eat a bunch of doo doo."

Winner: Dallas

Philadelphia at Chicago

Brian Westbrook is out. Correll Buckhalter is in. Where do the eagles find runnings backs with surnames like that? A fencing academy in London? They sound like cricket players, not football players. Fantasy tip: pick up Eagles' 3rd string RB, Chester Terrywicke-Smithson III. Rumors are that Devin Hester will miss the game due to injury. Now the Bears offense will actually have to try, instead of letting special teams do all the scoring for them.

Winner: Philadelphia

Baltimore at Pittsburgh

It appears we have a heated AFC North battle on our hands. The Pittsburgh offensive line is coming off their bye week, and with all the team present, the Steelers think they have a shot at the undefeated Ravens. What's that you say? The Steelers offensive line played last week? Wow, it sure didn't look like it.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Last Week: 11-5
Overall: 11-5

Aggregate 2: The Attack of the Clones

For those of you who haven’t read Moneyball, an extremely entertaining book about exploiting market inefficiencies (who knew economics could be fun?), there is a moment where William Beane talks about replacing players. Now baseball traditionalism, an autonomous collective governed by an anonymous panel of insiders, much like that movie Skulls or the American government (was that too scathing for a sports blog?), suggests that when you trade a player, who does perchance exceed your payroll expectations, said player should parlay into a player of equal or better value in return (run-on sentence?). In other words/lay man’s terms, if you trade some dude, the (main) dude you get back, should be, like, good and stuff. William says this is not the case. Rather, the aggregate should replace the traded player.

To use the Star Trek model, we’ll take an example then an analogy… The Cleveland Native Americans trade Carsten Charles Sabathia. Trading a very good pitcher, whose value was boosted by a bullshit award based on wins, should net you something valuable in return, no? Enter his almighty Matt Laporta. The guy can frickin’ hit (career .285/.382./577 in the minors), but how can his mere 210 lbs. replace Sabathia’s 670 lbs. of Cy Young-winning fastball? Well…there were some other people involved—namely Zach Jackson (a #5 starter or a long reliever), Rob Bryson (reliever with 11.45 K/9 in the minors, who could become the overvalued “closer”), and a player to be named later. Of the rumored four PTBNLs, two have been made public—Michael Brantley (CF with a .399 career OBP in the minors) and Taylor Green (a slugging 3^rd basemen, who would become a Jeff Kent type 2^nd basemen). When you put Laporta, Jackson, Bryson and Brantley or Green together, does not the total, the aggregate, replace monsieur Carsten Sabathia? 4 average-to-decent players for one very good player. For Star Trek fans, it’s like a math problem. You’ve got 10 and you trade 10 for 5+3+3+4. 5 isn’t better than 10, but 5+3+3+4=15. 15>10. I took collegiate mathematics. The aggregate of 15 is more valuable than the singularity of 10.

Now, after that painstaking, protracted preface, we come to my true subject—Matt Holliday. The guy probably won’t take the hometown discount; he’s probably looking for a huge contract—and for good reason. The most valuable left fielder in baseball should be paid a lot of money. His 5+ years/$100 mil+, however, is out of the Rockies price range. Hence, that contract, which expires at the end of 2009, will only help the Rockies, in their business endeavors, for so long. In our milieu, sport is a business and wins are its currency.

How many wins can we extract from Holliday? Well, I, the preeminent authority on all of existence, am here to tell you. Just joking—my theory is that Holliday will win us more games if he is not a Rockie. Confusing? Heck, frickin’ yes.

Back to the aggregate, which was my subject about 80 paragraphs ago—Holliday will leave the Rockies. It's inevitable. It’s about time we got something good for him instead of watching him walk away—just walk away with your lives.

Adam Dunn is but 28-years of oldness. He is approximately 2 months older than Holliday. He is approximately .004 worse than Holliday in terms of career EqA. Ergo, he is approximately not much worse than Holliday at hitting. But he approximately seems much worse because of Holliday’s batting average. Dunn also will, in free agency, be valued approximately as much as Holliday is in his current contract ($9.5 mil/yr). So… if you trade Holliday, and sign Dunn for about 4 years (up to his dropoff in production years—32+), you get good prospects for Holliday and you pay about the same price for his replacement. Yes, Dunn is a lesser fielder. And, yes, Dunn is a slightly lesser hitter. But does not the aggregate replace Holliday? For Holliday you could get ace starting pitchers, great hitters, lockdown relievers, whatever. And, on top of that, you still have Dunn getting on base at a .380 clip, hitting 40 homers, and, for you situational hitting enthusiasts, posting 100 RsBI. None of the replacement Keanu Reeves (players) is as good as Holliday, but with all of them combined (Dunn + whatever good prospects you’d get for 6 years at a discount price), you have something more valuable than but one Big Daddy. You've got future talent and a Big Donkey.

Jeremy Bates Hates Punters

I'm sick of studying right now and my posting of late has been sporadic to say the least. So: post:

Yes, it’s true. He does. I don’t know Jeremy Bates on a personal level, nor do I have the connections or credentials to interview him. If I did, this is how I imagine the conversation would go:

Me: Jeremy, what’s crack-a-lack-in, bro? You hangin' loose, my main man?

Jeremy (puzzled): What?

Me: Funky fresh. Jeremy, do you have some deep-seated hatred for punters stemming from a traumatic childhood event?

Jeremy: Why, yes, sir. How intuitive you are!

Me: Thank you. Could you please elaborate on what caused said hatred for punters?

Jeremy: Well, my father was a punter and he used to get liquored up on Mike’s Hard Light Pomegranate Lemonade and beat me.

Me: I believe Mike’s has only been making high-quality malt beverages at low, low prices since 1999 and you are a sprite 32-year old. Ergo, you would have to have been a child of 23 for your story to make sense.

Jeremy: Agree to disagree.

Me: Okay… Also, isn’t your father an unemployed defensive coordinator?

Jeremy: That’s what the CIA wants you to think.

(Jeremy then throws down a magician’s ball of smoke and runs away cackling.)

The End.

How realistic was that conversation!?!?! I could write for the Real World or something.

Anyways... back to my original idea. Jeremy Bates hates punters. If you were unaware, Dictator Shanahan has let Bates call the plays this season. For the first three weeks, he has installed a punterless offense. Poor Brett Kern is an undrafted rookie, just trying to prove he belongs in the NFL. Well, Brett, not on Bates watch. The guy has punted 7 times in three games, while Bates has let Cutler lead 8000 scoring drives (may not be accurate). That's just not fair.

The Dallas Cowboys, they of the most total yards in the NFL, have punted 8 times. The Super Bowl Champion New York Football Giants have punted 11 times. Only the Chargers, who have played but twice, and the Seattle Seahawks have punted less frequently. Oh, Brett Kern, what woeful deed hast thy laid upon yon Jeremy Bates?

The only benevolent course of action here is to let Kern show everyone what he can do. Cutler is probably bored with throwing touchdowns by now. Maybe have a few punts on first down. How about a fake punt pass on third-and-2? If you can't do that, Mr. Bates, please ask His Royal Shanahan to release Kern, and sign a player that can play defense.

Masterson's Musings...

A few true statements about the world of sports that you may find hard to believe...

- Baseball is actually NOT disbanding as a sport just because Yankee Stadium is closing its doors. There will be a 2009 season and probably many seasons after that. Someone should let the suits over at ESPN know that.

- If ESPN doesn't mention either the Yankees or Brett Favre at least once every 7 minutes, Jean Claude Van Damme gets to nutpunch Stuart Scott on national television.

-Speaking of Stuart Scott, in an intro to his own conversation with, you guessed it, Brett Favre, he actually compared Brett Favre to the Pope. He then went on to justify New York's newspaper coverage of Favre's introduction to the city (17 pages!) to the Pope's visit earlier this year (a measly 12!) by stating that after all, the Pope hadn't thrown for over 400 touchdowns and wasn't coming to a new team after 16 years. Yeah, the Pope knows a thing or two about not switching teams for the money considering he's been with the same one for about, oh, 2000 years.

-Things that don't exist: a bad Will Smith movie, the tooth fairy, Al Davis' eHarmony account, young Republicans, and the Broncos defense.

-Willy Taveras has flied out to right field in 87% of his at bats this season.......or at least that's just what it feels like.

-Greg Reynolds and Jason Hirsh have a lot of work to do during the offseason if they're even going to be in the mix for next year's starting rotation.

- The Broncos are 3-0. That's all you need to know.

Taking the D out of Undefeated (One of them at least)

So.....this is how it's going to be, huh Broncos? I was just wondering so I could, you know, take out a better life insurance policy or buy some stock in Pepto Bismol because if you guys keep up this pace, I'm going to be buying it by the Costco boatload. Bottom line: you won. I don't know how you won, but you won nonetheless. I'm not a religious man by any stretch of the imagination, but after watching the last couple of games, even I'm beginning to wonder whether or not a higher power is wearing orange and blue (or maybe the Mile High Magic is back.) Here are some blatantly true statements about the Broncos that I can safely make as we set our sights onto Week 4.

1) The offense is good.
Not just good, but hella bangin, gnarly, radically tubular good. Though the offense in today's game wasn't as spectacularly sharp as we've seen the first two weeks of the season, it still made enough plays at opportune times to make up for our sieve-like defense. Cutler's numbers of 21-34 for 264 yds and 2 TDs kept up his torrid pace and though his accuracy might have been just a little bit off today, he still captained the Broncos on 3 touchdown drives and without Scheffler's 4th quarter fumble inside the 10 yard line, should have been 4. Brandon Marshall continues to put up Nintendo numbers with a ho-hum 6 reception, 155 yard, 1 touchdown day. That gives him 24 receptions for 321 yards in only 2 games, both leading the league. Cutler's myriad of other weapons (Royal, Stokely, Scheffler, Jackson, Graham) have also done their parts thus far. It should definitely continue next week as we head to Kansas City to face the punchless Chiefs.

2) The defense is bad.
Not just bad, terrible, awful, no good, nauseating frustratingly-bad. Not only did we follow up a game in which we gave up 38 points and 500 yards of total offense with another game in which we gave up 32 points and another 500 yards of total offense, we did it by somehow making game changing plays and pulling out all the stops when the team needed it most. I'm not going to sit here and put lipstick on a pig (to use the parlance of our times) when I'm trying to give excuses for our defense. I'm also not complaining about stopping the Saints on that 4th and goal, or that 3rd and 1, or the 2 point conversion because that saved the game for us in the end. If you guys don't make those plays, we're a 2-1 team with more than a few question marks on your side of the ball. But that's all the more frustrating even for the average fan, not just the die-hards like yours truly. You prove that you can make the big play and shut down a high-octane offense if only for a few plays. Then you're still able to allow 421 yards through the air and another 100 on the ground. Just perhaps put together an entire game where you can do that and we'll be alright.

3) Deja vu isn't cool, but I'll deal.
This game was nearly a carbon copy of the San Diego game, save for the fortuitous call and gutsy last second heroics. We stormed out of the gate and off to a 21-3 lead in both games only to immediately give it back and then some. We finished off the first half with the lead, but in the second half we all of a sudden felt the urge to make it even more interesting. With a slim lead in the final few minutes of the 4th quarter, we were driving once again, looking to put the game out of reach once and for all and get a little breathing room for our defense. Cutler threw a pick in the end zone last week and Scheff fumbled on the 5. Why do we feel the need to do this? Who knows. All I care about is that both games ended in Broncos victories, the ONLY thing that really matters at the end of the day.

4) A real man makes his own luck.
Is it better to be lucky than good? Everyone's opinion is different. I can't argue with the Broncos end results, but much has been made about how these charmed Broncos seem to be winning. Last week it was the blown call by Ed Hochuli who was apparently the only referee to ever make a wrong call in any sporting event ever judging by the national media's response to it. This week it was Martin Gramatica doing his best Scott Norwood impression and man, was it dead on. Wide right. He missed two field goals in a game his Saints lost by 2. The national media will no doubt continue to spout off about how we're winning and if we're for real or not, but I'll tell you one thing. Our defense may not be able to stop you or even hope to contain you, but we sure as hell are going to outscore you. It might not even matter how many points you put up. We're going to do you one better.

Next week is a game the Broncos should undoubtedly roll. I know there are no easy wins in the NFL and everyone on the Chiefs roster is an NFL football player who has a lot of pride and at least a moderate skill set, but the Broncos should have absolutely no problem with this rebuilding franchise. That being said, we're going to come to play. Go Broncos.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em

So, I'm going to try and start up a little weekly deal here where I pick the weekend's football games. I won't be guessing the scores, just the winner, because I'm lazy. I will, however, write a little caption about each game so I don't appear too lazy. We'll see how it goes...

Kansas City Chiefs at Atlanta

Get ready for some amazing football. This is like a division 1-AA college football game. No, actually that would be an insult. Mississippi Valley State could beat these teams. Tyler Thigpen vs. Matt Ryan--in the ultimate showdown. Sunday! Sunday! Sunday! Kids seats still just five bucks!

Winner: Atlanta? Who cares?

Oakland at Buffalo

The vaunted Raiders will head hopefully into Buffalo to face the Southern Toronto Bills--a team very much on the rise. Marshawn Lynch will lead the Buffalo running game, using his bruising style to hit and run all over the porous Oakland run-D.

Winner: Southern Toronto

Tampa Bay at Chicago

The Pirates will head into the windless city with fear in their hearts. Anytime you stare across at the line of scrimmage and see a mustachioed Kyle Orton yelling and waving his hand around, you know you're in for a world of hurt. Plus, Brian Griese's dog (alcoholism) will probably get in the way of his throwing the ball.

Winner: Chicago

Carolina at Minnesota

When your team is in a state of turmoil, it is always good to have a back up plan--a Gus Frrerrrottee plan. Watch as Gus leads this team with his winning smile and gunslinger attitude. Prediction: Frerotte has a 250 passer rating by season's end.

Winner: Carolina

Miami at New England

Seriously, we're talking about the Dolphins. I don't care who New England's fashion model/quarterback is. It's the frickin Dolphins.

Winner: New England

Cincinnati at New York

The Football Giants with Super Bowl MVP Elisha Manning (I'm not kidding) will face a vaunted Football Bengals defense. Score prediction: -7 - 3. Yes, negative points.

Winner: Football Giants

Houston at Tennessee

With Vince Young working out his depression on the sidelines, the Titans will have to make use of Kerry Collins unique scrambling abilities to really get their rush offense going.

Winner: Tennessee

Arizona at Washington

To keep Matt Leinart happy, Ken Whisenhunt has installed a hot tub on the sideline, full of co-eds and beer bongs. By the way, the Cardinals are playing way over their heads.

Winner: Warshington Native Americans

New Orleans at Denver

Okay, Hurricane Katrina is over. Nobody cares about the Saints anymore. They suck. Go Broncos.

Winner: Denver

Detroit at San Fransisco

J.T. O'Sullihair will face his old team, the Lions. Expect a defensive showdown here as these teams have two of the best (not!).

Winner: San Fran

Saint Louis at Seattle

Two teams that used to be decent, but suck now. The Seahawks do, however, have the mustache advantage with Mike Holmgren on the sideline.

Winner: Seattle

Cleveland at Baltimore

Brady Quinn gay-bashing the Ravens. Ray Lewis stabbing people. Kellen Winslow doing military exercises. Joe Flacco using the power of the unibrow. This is too easy.

Winner: Baltimore

Jacksonville at Indianapolis

Peyton Manning led the Colts to an inspiring 4th quarter comeback and sports media, as a whole, promptly got an erection. Seriously, Peyton needs more press, guys. With all the piped in crowd noise, Jacksonville will be screwed.

Winner: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh at Philadelphia

This could be a wild offensive showdown with a wildly underrated team (Pitt) and a wildly overrated team (Phil). As long as Roethlisderper doesn't get in a motorcycle crash on the way to the game the Steely McBeams will do fine

Winner: Steely McBeams

Dallas at Green Bay

How will Tony Romo handle the cold tundra of Brett Favre City? Is Aaron Rodgers for real? Will John Madden say something stupid on the air? So many questions to be answered.

Winner: Dallas

New York at San Diego

The new edition of Brett Favre will have a game of interracial touch football in Wrangler jeans with several Labradors around. Knowing ESPN, they'll probably televise it.

Winner: San Diego