Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 10

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Mike Shanahan on testing his Viagra on Michael Pittman:

"He got some numbness and continued to gut it out. Obviously, the rest is history. But anytime you have numbness 24 to 48 hours later like he has, it's not a good sign."

Please consult a medical physician, Mr. Pittman

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Denver @ Cleveland

Why is there a Thursday night game already? Shouldn't that be saved for Thanks-frickin-giving? Fine, NFL, make me do my picks by Thursday, you inexorable bastards. Speaking of bastards... the Broncos are terrible. Like Bengals/Lions terrible. Sure they have talent, but they look like they are playing football for the first time every game. As if he hadn't already lived an extremely privileged life, The Gay Basher 2: Men in Tights gets his first career start against the Broncos. Considering how awful the Broncos D was before all the injuries, with the injuries, Quinn will probably throw for 600 yards and 6 tds, with a 100yd receiving td. Fantasy players, take note.

Winner: For the first time, picking against my beloved Broncos, the Browns. Ugh.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

After not allowing the vicious Raiders to score a single point, they face off with his royal leech face, Drew Brees, who happens to be leading the NFL in passing yards. The key matchup for this game is probably Brees vs. CB Chevis Jackson because... who the fuck is Chevis Jackson? I'll give anyone a dollar if they can name anybody on the Falcons defense besides Keith Brooking and Jon Abraham. That goes for Falcons fans too. A bonus fifty cents to anyone who can name at least three of their offensive lineman.

Winner: N'leans

Tennessee @ Chicago

Remember Rex Grossman? Oh, how I missed him. Well, he didn't throw 14 interceptions with 10 fumbles lest week in relief of the injured Kyle Orton. He only threw 1 int. And he had a 47.9 passer rating. What would football do without Rex Grossman? I nearly forgot about him. Now, the first place Bears may have to rely on his golden arm to keep the Packers and Vikings at bay for a game or two. Oh, Kyle Orton claims he's going to play. Well, sometimes Kyle Orton has a few too many Crystal Lights and says a lot of things.

Winner: Tennessee

Jacksonville @ Detroit

Jack Del Rio reportedly sent Mike Peterson home from practice recently for undisclosed reasons. There have been rumors that it was punishment for Peterson flexing his muscles after a tackle last Sunday against the Bengals. I completely empathize with Del Rio. If I lost to the Bengals, I wouldn't just send my defensive captain home, I'd send my whole team home. Actually, I'd just put them in timeout to think about what they did. When your team let's Ryan Fitzpatrick throw 2 tds and run for 50 yards, you don't deserve to be playing football. Your coach wears a god damn leather jacket on the sidelines. How does that not inspire you to win? Del Rio should probably force them to do pre-game warm-ups in leather jackets, Tom Kite hats, and girls volleyball tights. That'd scare Daunte Culpepper back into retirement.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Houston

That's right Terrell Suggs, Flacco just put a bounty on you! Troy Smith is gonna be on the sidelines for a while. He carved them there Browns D like a Thanksgiving turkey. Woo! That's when you know you have truly arrived as an NFL quarterback, when you are able to look good against the Browns D.

Winner: Baltimore

Seattle @ Miami

Mustache Party 2008! Bring your mustaches and distinguished visages, because this is gonna be a barn-burner. Yeee-haw! I think the NFL is the only sport where a mustachioed head coach is not shunned, but encouraged. You've got Holmgren and Sparano, obviously. Also, Reid, Crennel, Brad Childress has a power 'stache, Dungy, Edwards, Singletary, and Fisher. That means that 9 of the 32 NFL head coaches sport mustaches. That's a 28 % mustache rate. But how many assistant coaches rock the upper lip warmer? 20? 40? All of them?

Winner: Miami

Green Bay @ Minnesota

While Grossman and the Bears try to maintain first place, this game decides who will be in second (or at least tied for first). Remember when these two teams were the best teams ever? They were practically shoe-ins for the playoffs and were both sleepers to make it to the Super Bowl. It just goes to show you the wisdom of ESPN football analysts. Speaking of which, I think Mike Ditka is becoming the Lou Holtz of pro football. He's rambling, incoherent, and talks about the team he used to coach constantly. Does the Vikings D-Line remind you of the Fridge and the gang? Is Ryan Grant half as sweet as Sweetness?

Winner: Green Bay in a close one

Buffalo @ New England

These two are currently in a football three way with the New York Football Jets of all teams. And the Dolphins aren't far behind. What was once New England's division by a landslide, is now like the American political spectrum, all cramped in the middle. With the Football Jets playing the Rams, the division will likely end up in a two way tie. So who will it be? Darth Vader and the Sign-Stealers? Or Beast Mode and the 5-3 Huh???

Winner: In a slight home-field nudge, the Patriots

St. Louis @ Football Jets

Like I said before, this should be easy for the Jets. The Rams can't run, pass or score points. They are also second to last in points allowed. Despite their awful defense, Brett Favre will gunsling them at least three interceptions, keeping this game at least close. In the end, though, Favre's grittiness and raw winningnessability will win it. I mean, Favre could fight five bears at once and fell them all with one mighty punch. Plus, he's comfortable in Wrangler.

Winner: Football Jets

Carolina @ Oakland

Oh, how I love it when the Raiders fail. They had 77 total net yards. Are you kidding me? That's more beautiful than Keira Knightley. Meanwhile the Panthers have been riding their mediocrity to first place. They are right in the middle of the pack in total defense and total offense. They should probably see if John Daly is still passed out in front of that Hooters. He might be able to play a good nose tackle.

Winner: Carolina

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

So Peyton Manning is back is he? We'll see against the Steelers. Their defense completely embarrassed the Redskins offense, now it's Peyton's turn. He'll have to do his job, since the Colts defense has caught the injury bug. Dwight Freeney is out with, I believe, a Napoleon Complex. All of their corners are out with flat zone coverage exhaustion. And, of course, Peyton is still questionable because of an elongated forehead.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Kansas City @ San Diego

Is Larry Johnson going to be back or did he spit in Herm Edwards' face? Who knows? I do know that I was completely wrong about Tyler Thigpen. He is a non-stop wrecking force. In other news, David Eckstein will hit 45 home runs next year. Jose Theodore will reclaim his Vezina and Hart Trophies. Allen Iverson will average 20 assists per game. And Landon Donovan will be good at soccer.

Winner: San Diego

Football Giants @ Philadelphia

Alas, everyone's favorite little puppy, Eli Manning, has returned to form after some down weeks. Hell, I thought he returned to form during those down weeks, but anything can happen (see Tyler Thigpen). He and his running backs will have a difficult time, though, against the Eagles D-line. I know everyone thinks the Giants offensive line is superhuman or something, but let's wait and see. I bet the sacks the Giants allow are directly proportional to an increase in reddish hue in Tom Coughlin's face.

Winner: Football Giants

San Fransisco @ Arizona

Normally, I would think this would be a boring game, but Mike Singletary could drop his pants at any moment! Ken Whisenhunt should put on some basketball pants and make his inspirational depanstings more dramatic. It would be a pants-off war. If only, Lt. Kellen Winslow was on one of these teams.
Winner: Arizona

Last Week: 8-6
Overall: 60-39

Holliday Looks to Jump Ship

As the days creep towards the 2009 Major League Baseball season, it seems less and less likely that our resident superstar, Colorado Rockies outfielder Matt Holliday, will be donning the purple pinstripes for Opening Day.

Normally not the type of player to air his dirty laundry out in the media, Holliday is apparently trying a new tact of expressing his true feelings, regardless of who is listening.

In a recent Denver Post article, it appears Holliday has grown increasingly frustrated with the treatment that he has received from the Rockies' front office and what he deems are low-ball contract offers drawn up by Dealin' Dan.

The latest contract offer cited in the article was a four-year, $72 million deal with a $12 million option. Holliday rejected the offer in part because he wasn't sold on the organization's commitment to winning.

"I specifically don't want to spend my career collecting paychecks and having October off. I want to be in a situation where I feel like I can make the postseason every year, not only if the perfect storm comes together," Holliday said.

To me, that quote was not only a subtle dig at the career of Rockies legend Todd Helton, but also an admission that the miracle "Rocktober" run to the 2007 World Series was a fluke and nothing more.

It shows that Holliday doesn't believe that his teammates are willing or able to bring a title to Colorado and he shudders at the thought of being an iconic talent on a perennial loser like Helton has been.

With Holliday's current contract expiring at the end of the 2009 season, he's likely to command a contract upwards of a six or seven-year deal worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 million. With the penny-pinching Monfort Brothers in charge, there is almost no chance that the Rockies will even be in the discussions with the slugger.

Of course, Holliday is represented by sports' biggest snake, Scott Boras, who is never coy about his desire to manipulate his clients into ditching any of their team-first tendencies in the effort to attain top dollar. (Just look at what he did to Manny Ramirez in Boston.) If we do indeed end up trading Holliday, we can look at the moment he came under Boras' tutelage as the beginning of the end of his tenure in the Mile High City.

Holliday has always said that he, not Boras, will have the last word on whether or not he will choose to stay with the only club he's ever known. Looking at these latest comments, however, makes me believe that Boras has had more of an influence than we would like to believe.

From the "hot stove" rumblings that have been reported thus far, it appears that Dealin' Dan is in contact with many teams and has made it perfectly clear that Holliday is available for the right price. (Or David Price, possibly?)

As Holliday becomes publicly disgruntled with the state of the franchise, O'Dowd's hand may be forced to make a deal sooner rather than later, and there is no shortage of teams on the open market who could use a career .319 hitter who has averaged 32 home runs and 113 RBI in the last three seasons.

Holliday's bags are packed and he's ready to go, but don't be shocked if he doesn't wake us up to say goodbye.

The T-Rex Era is Now Extinct

With Dealin' Dan O'Dowd more than willing to shake up the Rockies roster this offseason, the first word out of the GM meetings in California is that O'Dowd is already starting to make waves within his own organization.

The first move was made this morning when he placed a call to closer Brian Fuentes and told him any one of these three lines:

1. "It's not you, it's me."

2. "I like you, but I'm not in like with you."

3. "Though you are the Rockies' all-time saves leader and were lights-out for most of the season, never complained once about your demotion from the closer's role, nor became smug when you regained it successfully, we'd much rather not try to bring you back to the ballclub. Instead, we're going to replace you with a guy who just finished an inconsistent season while getting paid the money that should rightfully be yours."

Any one of those three lines would suffice.

This is a major mistake by Dealin' Dan and the Monfort brothers (team owners Charlie and Dick). Though much has been made about the true value of a closer in baseball's current sabermetric world, the bottom line is that Fuentes was nails for much of the year.

He saved 30 games, his fourth consecutive year with more than 20. At one point, he saved 17 consecutive games, including a stretch between Aug. 15 and Sept. 17 in which, in 13 innings, he gave up three hits and two walks and struck out 24. He was so unbelievably unhittable that he made Rockies fans forget his, ahem, "hiccup" on last year's disastrous 1-9 road trip at the end of June.

Though Fuentes could reportedly command a contract upwards of three years and $39 million, the Rockies should try to pony up the dough to bring back T-Rex. He's coming off a year in which he was as dominant as ever. His fastball had new life, frequently hitting the mid-90s on the radar gun, and his changeup and slider routinely baffled batters.

Fuentes, though 33, is an attractive piece on the free agent market; the Mets, Angels, and Indians, among others, have shown significant interest thus far. He's seen as a less-costly option to the market's marquee free-agent closer, the Angels' Francisco Rodriguez.

The Rockies are combing the free agent market for a shutdown arm to pick up the slack in the late innings, but what Dealin' Dan doesn't realize is that he already had one on his own roster. Come 2009, don't be surprised if Fuentes gets a phone call in the middle of the night from a sobbing Dan O'Dowd, crying about how he was the best the GM ever had.

The Broncos and the Injury Bug: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

With the Broncos' beleaguered defense already dealing with the absence of its best player, Champ Bailey, who's out for another three weeks with a groin injury, now the news of the hour is that its second best player, linebacker DJ Williams, will miss a month or possibly the rest of the season with ligament damage in his left knee.

Williams, the team leader in total tackles (77) and solo tackles (57), has been enjoying a resurgence in his play after an offseason move back to his original position of weak side linebacker. He also racked up 2.5 sacks before succumbing to the Broncos' snake-bitten ways.

So where do the Broncos go from here? With the Flying Bailey Brothers, Williams, and now free safety Marlon McCree also questionable for Thursday night's contest with Cleveland, are the Broncos going to be able to scrounge up 11 able-bodied players to line up opposite the opposing offense?

No word yet on whether Mike Shanahan and the Broncos are considering Marky Mark Wahlberg Invincible-esque tryouts yet, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Addendum: Since writing this article, the Broncos have placed two more top contributors on the injured reserve list in starting running back Michael Pittman and backup butterfinger Andre Hall.

That means our historically successful running game will be reduced to a rookie with three NFL carries to his name who is coming off major elbow surgery and a former starter who will wind up about 1,500 yards short of his public boast to rush for over 2,000 yards this season. Oh, and he hasn't played since Week 5. Ryan Torain and Selvin Young, the onus is now on you to bring us out of our offensive funk.

Good luck...you're going to need it.

And we're still in first place how???

I'm only doing this for the sake of catharsis.

I'm sick and tired of writing about the shortcomings of my beloved Broncos and how they continue to contribute to the downward spiral that is becoming the 2008 season.

Since starting out the year 3-0, the Broncos have gone 1-4, and it's been the same story over and over again in each one of their increasingly frustrating defeats: sluggish offense, bad defense, and turnovers. Unfortunately, today was no exception.

The turnover parade started early on as "the Cut Man" thought he should be the one to begin the festivities by tossing it straight into the hands of Dolphins safety Jason Allen on the third play of the game. Not to be outdone, two possessions later, Cutler did the Dolphins an even greater service by throwing his first touchdown of the day.

The fact that it was to the other team is of no consequence on these pages. It was destined to be that kind of contest.

Cutler would end up throwing three picks, and for a while, in the first half, looked like he flat-out forgot how to play football. Cutler was able to pick it up in the second half to finish the day with 307 yards passing and two touchdowns, his first 300-yard passing day since Week Four, but the damage had long been done thanks to the Dolphins forcing the Broncos into becoming a one-dimensional offensive offense.

The Broncos finished this game with 14 rushing yards, or slightly more than everyone who contributes articles about those players here on Bleacher Report. It was the second-fewest yards in team history and solidified the sad fact that the Broncos' once-vaunted running attack under Mike Shanahan has been reduced to a running-back-by-committee, where the guy with the fewest Band-Aids gets the bulk of the carries.

I won't even mention the phantom pass-interference call that nullified the 77-yard Cutler to Marshall touchdown. Oops...

The defense finally put together a decent day but couldn't come through when the Broncos had a chance to climb back in the fourth quarter. With the turnovers and prime field position the Dolphins were given all game, the defense could have easily folded up like they had previously and taken home another Patriot-like pounding. Instead, they fought and clawed and stopped the 'Phins offense from reaching the end zone...Until their final drive.

With the score 19-17, and the Dolphins facing a 3rd-and-19, the Broncos were poised to get the ball back with about five minutes remaining. Instead, they allow an 18.5-yard pass play to Ronnie Brown and the ensuing successful 4th-and-inches run.

A few plays later, the Broncos had the 'Phins on the ropes once more with a 3rd-and-13 that was erased on a Ricky Williams reception. Ronnie Brown would eventually punch it in to increase the lead to 26-17 and send the Broncos back to the drawing board, as they'll have a short week in preparing for Thursday night's showdown with the Cleveland Browns.

I still don't feel any better about the game, but at least I'm not a Lions fan.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 9

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jay Cutler on his bye week back home in Nashville:

"It was good to get a break and get refreshed a little bit."

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Football Jets @ Buffalo

A hard-fought divisional battle between rivals from the same state. The self-proclaimed "New York" Jets aren't actually from New York. They are just afraid of admitting to being from New Jersey. It's okay Jets, I would be too. I don't think there are actually any gardens in that state, only black and green lakes that may or may not contain nuclear waste. Plus there are lots of people who tear the sleeves of their t-shirts and slick back their hair. Gross. On another note, the Bills do not actually have anyone on their team named "Bill." This is misleading and should be rectified. There are no players in the NFL officially named Bill, so they should at least sign or trade for a Billy, like Volek or Miller.

Winner: Buffalo (no)Bills

Detroit @ Chicago

Roy E. Williams is no longer stuck catching Dan Orlovsky passes. Now he gets Brad Johnson passes! Wow, that sucks. The Lions and the Bengals should place high-stakes bets on who will be the first to win a game. My money is on neither. Can these teams be relocated, taken apart and rebuilt from scratch? I hear Oklahoma City likes sports franchises.

Winner: Chicago

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

Continuing from before, Ohio already has plenty of well-liked sports franchises--Indians, Cavaliers, Buckeyes, even the frickin' Browns. It's not like the Bengals have a chance this year, or probably in the next five. They have been probably the worst franchise when you take into account their entire existence (damn you, Raiders). Since the NFL may expand to Canada with the Bills, I say the Bengals go south and become the Mexico City Gorditas or the Mexico City Chalupas. Oh wait--if there was a Taco Bell in Mexico it would probably be bombed for committing treason against a revered culinary tradition.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Don't look now, but the Ravens are one game behind the Steelers in the standings. Might I add that they are doing it with His Royal Unibrow at QB. Their second best defense (yards-wise) and a fantasy-killing menage a trois at running back (please just give McClain the goal-line carries, for frick's sake) is helping take the load off Delaware Joe. Maybe they'll bust out more gadget plays with Flacco making some catches. That sucker can run. Well, sort of. Speaking of gadgets, stay away from Kellen Winslow. Speaking of Winslow and the Browns crappiness, I think the Browns have a staff infection. Get it? Cause they're coaches, and franchise as a whole, are terrible? Probably the best joke I've ever written, perhaps anyone has ever written.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Kansas City

Oh, lordy lord, why would thee make this game exist? Ever? I spit in this game's face. If I was commentating for this game I would probably quit. Or just do stand up instead of subjecting people to this hideous monstrosity. What's the latest Dane Cook bit? Something about stomping around and yelling a lot? Yeah, probably that. Most people would rather just look at pictures of Jeff Garcia's wife. Seriously, how did that happen? The poor girl is wasting her good genes on a west coast system QB who looks like a pederast and makes hand gestures like this.

Winner: Jeff Garcia, hands down. Also, Tampa Bay

Houston @ Minnesota

So it's the Williams sisters vs. Schaub, Slaton, and the sports team who hails from the state of Texas that had no better ideas for a team mascot than the god damn Texans. It looks like the Tennessee Tennesseeans really have control of the AFC South, but you can't count out the Indianapolis Indianans and their playoff ubiquity. The Jacksonville Floridians also have the skill on the lines and a good running game to be real contenders. In the land of creativitylessness, who knows what will happen? As for the Minnesota Minnesotans, they are like so fat. OMG! If I weighed 350 lbs and got suspended for taking illegal diuretics to lose weight, I would... Well, I would take my six figure per game salary and buy one Playstation 3. If I saved up, I might be able to get one game as well.

Winner: Houston. Offense wins a game for once

Arizona @ St. Louis

The Cardinals are in first gosh darn effing place, by two games. They have no running game and a weak defense. His Lord's Servant, Kurt Warner, must be praying his tail off. When you have Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald as receivers, there really is no reason to pray because your prayers have been answered. Oh, by the way, the Cardinals have scored more points than anyone in football! With a frickin' 97-year old quarterback who wants to retire! Okay so they haven't faced the best defenses--mere semantics.

Winner: St. Louis because Jim Haslett is the greatest coach of all time!

Green Bay @ Tennessee

So maybe the Titans are for real. Chris Johnson is faster than a cheetah on PEDs with its ass caught on fire. Lendale White is fatter than a megalodon that lives on nothing but ribs and Marlon Brando. The Packers are hoping that Hairon Rodgers is for real, now that he makes about as much money as Peyton Manning.

Winner: Tennessee

Miami @ Denver

Denver is coming off a much needed bye week and playing back home at Invesco Field at Relatively Close to One Mile Above Sea Level Give or Take About 100 Feet or So. Miami brings their crazy new-fangled single wing offense, updated for the 20th century. Two things, Tony Sparano, they allow the forward pass these days, and Chad Pennington can't pass forward for more than maybe a yard or two. Perhaps you can find a QB who can throw the ball more than about five feet. I don't care if Matthew Mcconaughey told you to play Pennington.

Winner: Pretty please with sugar on top let it be the Broncos. I don't think I could take another loss right now

Dallas @ Football Giants

Finally an epicly dramatic game! Plenty of tears, break ups and cheating on your special friends with their best friends. It's okay, TO, I know Tony Romo is your quarterback. You don't have to cry. Oh wait, Brad Johnson. Okay, you can go ahead and cry. If my quarterback had the arm strength of a newborn baby (or Chad Pennington come to think of it) and the mobility of the Great Pyramid of Giza, I would probably cry too.

Winner: Football Giants

Atlanta @ Oakland

Facing off are the two quarterbacks taken higher than any others at their position in the last two drafts. When I was watching Mel Kiper Jr. enunciate like the meth addict he is, I kept think Ryan and Russell were going to be like Joey Harrington bad. It looks like I was half right. Jamarcus Russell is about as terrible as I thought he would be, but Matt Ryan is defying logic and reason by becoming an effective rookie quarterback. He has steps to go, of course, but he has already become an effective game manager. Maybe in a few years he will move up from Boring and Effective 3: The Phantom Menace, starring Trent Dilfer, from the writers and producers of Waiting to Exhale, and into the Legends of Gunsling Yore, starring Brett Favre, written by the sports media, produced by lazy people pumping out cliches.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Seattle

Right now the Eagles have to be thinking, "Well, the Phillies did it, why can't us?" For practice this week, were Jon Runyan and William Thomas working on their blocking skills by destroying bus stops, blowing up cars, and booing fellow rioters? It probably will be very effective. My only concern is the false starts in Seattle, with their infamous crowd noise. Speaking of which, there has been a refereeing travesty occurring at Qwest Field. Game after game, play after play, the Seattle Seahawks haven't been called for too many men on the field of play. They frickin' advertise that they have 12 players on defense. It's probably Ed Hochuli's fault.

Winner: Philadelphia (Holmgren picked the wrong year to quit (and to stop sniffing glue))

New England @ Indianapolis

Usually the most anticipated game of the year. Not this year. GQ QB is hurt and Peyton looks human behind a broken o-line and virtually no running game. Al and John are probably going to mention those things very frequently. Then John will start drawing pictures of Tough Actin' Tinactin on the screen for no reason and recall a story when he once farted in the Horse Trailer and the smell didn't go away for the entirety of the state of Nebraska. NBC should just get Frank Caliendo to do impressions of John and Al. It would be cheaper. Plus, his impersonation-driven comedy is about as funny as Dane Cook's yelling and stomping-driven comedy.

Winner: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh @ Washington

Hey Redskins fans, the 'Skins aren't going to win the Super Bowl. I know you think every time they win a game they are going to win it all, but they aren't. These aren't the late 80s. Joe Gibbs can't put plumbers and janitors at quarterback and still win Super Bowls anymore. He's too busy watching a car go around in circles. I don't think Clinton "Does all the work" Portis and Jason "I haven't thrown an interception yet because I haven't thrown any passes" Campbell will be able to move the sticks against the Steelers ridiculously good defense.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Carolina @ San Fransisco

Okay, this isn't a real game, but the NFL is a dick scheduling their bye weeks right now. Here is a scene from my upcoming screen-writing and directorial debut, Shit Show.

Vernon Davis and John Daly are hanging out in a Hooters in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. It's late night happy hour so coconut martinis are only dollar. After their tab runs up to $40 only in martinis, Daly begins to yell and harass one of the waitresses, grabbing her in inappropriate places. He then gets depressed and complains to Davis about how his wife beats him and takes his booze money to go shopping at Neiman Marcus. Then Mike Singletary jumps through a window, screaming and runs up to Davis and Daly, who are sitting at the bar. He yells at Davis as loud as he possibly can about his questionable work ethic. Daly, meanwhile has passed out drunk and had a heart attack simultaneously. Singletary then drops his pants to the floor causing widespread shock and confusion throughout the restaurant. Hooters, being a family restaurant, has several patrons who are considered children. Many of these children begin to cry as Singletary runs all over the restaurant, pants down, yelling "I want winners!" He then gets in Davis' face and explains to him that he dropped his pants because he wants Davis to try harder. Then Davis cries because he was so happy about being drafted, despite how most pre-draft talk suggested he would be top-10 and how he was actually at the draft, with like five of the other "top" players available.

And... Scene

Last Week: 7-7
Overall: 52-33

The Proverbial Stove is Getting Warmer

With trade rumblings already starting to make their way into the blogosphere and the World Series now just a memory (thankfully), we turn our attention to the so-called Hot Stove to see how our Rockies are looking to improve their club for the 2009 campaign.

Now, most of this "analysis" that I'm about to preach on these pages is from either snippets of ideas that I've read in newspapers like the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News, coloradorockies.com, or even articles from fellow Bleacher Report contributors with a little bit of my own wish list thrown in.

We're going to do this on a team by team basis as to who might be interested in some of our boys.

O'Dowd has made it widely known that he is dangling both Garrett Atkins and Matt Holliday this winter in exchange for young, Major League-ready starting pitching, so if you notice a common theme among some of these possible suitors, well, I just told you.

New York Yankees

-Rockies Bleacher Report contributor David Martin already wrote an excellent piece on a possible Willy Taveras for Ian Kennedy trade that you can check out here. I think my feelings are pretty well known that I would trade Willy Taveras for a punch in the stomach much less for a young, talented starting pitching prospect.

-Also, you can never count out a team with Mariana Trench-like (that's right, a geography reference) pockets like the New York Yankees. You have to believe they'll at least be in the discussions for Matt Holliday.

Boston Red Sox

-With the uncertain injury status of current third baseman Mike Lowell, the Red Sox have been reported to have thrown their hat in the ring for Garrett Atkins. The Sawx have no shortage of young, talented pitchers like Clay Buchholz and my cousin, Justin Masterson.

Now, I could probably just call up my cousin and give him my best political stump speech on why he should want to come play in the mile high majesty of Colorado instead of the intense pressure of Beantown. Then, when he realized the wisdom of my words, he could go to Theo Epstein and demand a trade that would send him out west. He'd join a starting rotation of Francis, Cook, and Ubaldo that would give the Rockies a pitching staff that could compete with the rest of the NL West.

Hey, a guy can dream right?

Minnesota Twins

-Twins Bleacher Report contributor Warren Williams recently wrote a hypothetical article where we would trade Garrett Atkins to the Twins for outfielder Michael Cuddyer. While I wasn't too fond of the trade straight up, Minnesota does have some talented young pitchers that I'm sure O'Dowd wouldn't be too upset if he acquired.

Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, and Nick Blackburn would be the names we would more than likely focus on if this or any trade with the Twinkies were likely to go down. Baker is the most attractive of the bunch, not physically mind you, but statistically, finishing 11-4 on the year with a 3.45 ERA. Slowey and Blackburn are both relatively young guys who were key components in the Twins' mad dash to their one-game playoff where they ultimately succumbed to the White Sox.

Chicago White Sox

-Speaking of those White Sox, Bleacher Report contributor Tab Bamford concocted a bold blockbuster trade opportunity between these two ball clubs that would send Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins to the White Sox for Jermaine Dye, Nick Swisher, and Javier Vazquez. I immediately dismissed this deal at first, but upon further thought, it's not too radical.

Though Dye is getting up there in years, he would more or less replace Holliday's bat. Swisher can play both first base and outfield and would benefit from Coors Field's cavernous gaps. Vazquez has immense talent, but has never been able to overcome a debilitating case of mediocrity (showcased by his career 127-129 record.) He has also seemingly worn out his welcome with Sox manager Ozzie Guillen with his poor performance down the stretch.

To make such a dynamite deal go down, the White Sox may need to sweeten the pot by throwing in young lefty John Danks instead of Vazquez. If Danks were included, it might be tough to say no to Sox GM Kenny Williams.

Florida Marlins

While the Rockies are obviously looking for starting pitching to shore up a shaky rotation, if a deal for a power hitting second baseman falls into their laps, I would find it hard to believe that they would ignore it. That's where Dan Uggla comes in. Though apparently not known for his book-smarts and analytical game preparation, he sure knows how to hit. An infield of Helton, Uggla, Tulo, and some sort of Stewart/Atkins hybrid would be formidable to say the least.

New York Mets

They seem to have deep pockets as well and would be in the race for Matt Holliday. Whether or not they have enough to give the Rockies in return is a whole different story altogether.

Tampa Bay Rays

The Rays obviously have young talent to spare. If the Rays want to indulge in their Socialist side and spread the wealth around (since that seems so apropos,) I'm sure the Rockies could come to some sort of agreement for David Price, BJ Upton, Carl Crawford, or Matt Garza.

That's all I have right now. Leave any other trade ideas, dreams, or possibilities in the comments in case I might have glossed over a few.