Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 10

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Mike Shanahan on testing his Viagra on Michael Pittman:

"He got some numbness and continued to gut it out. Obviously, the rest is history. But anytime you have numbness 24 to 48 hours later like he has, it's not a good sign."

Please consult a medical physician, Mr. Pittman

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Denver @ Cleveland

Why is there a Thursday night game already? Shouldn't that be saved for Thanks-frickin-giving? Fine, NFL, make me do my picks by Thursday, you inexorable bastards. Speaking of bastards... the Broncos are terrible. Like Bengals/Lions terrible. Sure they have talent, but they look like they are playing football for the first time every game. As if he hadn't already lived an extremely privileged life, The Gay Basher 2: Men in Tights gets his first career start against the Broncos. Considering how awful the Broncos D was before all the injuries, with the injuries, Quinn will probably throw for 600 yards and 6 tds, with a 100yd receiving td. Fantasy players, take note.

Winner: For the first time, picking against my beloved Broncos, the Browns. Ugh.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

After not allowing the vicious Raiders to score a single point, they face off with his royal leech face, Drew Brees, who happens to be leading the NFL in passing yards. The key matchup for this game is probably Brees vs. CB Chevis Jackson because... who the fuck is Chevis Jackson? I'll give anyone a dollar if they can name anybody on the Falcons defense besides Keith Brooking and Jon Abraham. That goes for Falcons fans too. A bonus fifty cents to anyone who can name at least three of their offensive lineman.

Winner: N'leans

Tennessee @ Chicago

Remember Rex Grossman? Oh, how I missed him. Well, he didn't throw 14 interceptions with 10 fumbles lest week in relief of the injured Kyle Orton. He only threw 1 int. And he had a 47.9 passer rating. What would football do without Rex Grossman? I nearly forgot about him. Now, the first place Bears may have to rely on his golden arm to keep the Packers and Vikings at bay for a game or two. Oh, Kyle Orton claims he's going to play. Well, sometimes Kyle Orton has a few too many Crystal Lights and says a lot of things.

Winner: Tennessee

Jacksonville @ Detroit

Jack Del Rio reportedly sent Mike Peterson home from practice recently for undisclosed reasons. There have been rumors that it was punishment for Peterson flexing his muscles after a tackle last Sunday against the Bengals. I completely empathize with Del Rio. If I lost to the Bengals, I wouldn't just send my defensive captain home, I'd send my whole team home. Actually, I'd just put them in timeout to think about what they did. When your team let's Ryan Fitzpatrick throw 2 tds and run for 50 yards, you don't deserve to be playing football. Your coach wears a god damn leather jacket on the sidelines. How does that not inspire you to win? Del Rio should probably force them to do pre-game warm-ups in leather jackets, Tom Kite hats, and girls volleyball tights. That'd scare Daunte Culpepper back into retirement.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Houston

That's right Terrell Suggs, Flacco just put a bounty on you! Troy Smith is gonna be on the sidelines for a while. He carved them there Browns D like a Thanksgiving turkey. Woo! That's when you know you have truly arrived as an NFL quarterback, when you are able to look good against the Browns D.

Winner: Baltimore

Seattle @ Miami

Mustache Party 2008! Bring your mustaches and distinguished visages, because this is gonna be a barn-burner. Yeee-haw! I think the NFL is the only sport where a mustachioed head coach is not shunned, but encouraged. You've got Holmgren and Sparano, obviously. Also, Reid, Crennel, Brad Childress has a power 'stache, Dungy, Edwards, Singletary, and Fisher. That means that 9 of the 32 NFL head coaches sport mustaches. That's a 28 % mustache rate. But how many assistant coaches rock the upper lip warmer? 20? 40? All of them?

Winner: Miami

Green Bay @ Minnesota

While Grossman and the Bears try to maintain first place, this game decides who will be in second (or at least tied for first). Remember when these two teams were the best teams ever? They were practically shoe-ins for the playoffs and were both sleepers to make it to the Super Bowl. It just goes to show you the wisdom of ESPN football analysts. Speaking of which, I think Mike Ditka is becoming the Lou Holtz of pro football. He's rambling, incoherent, and talks about the team he used to coach constantly. Does the Vikings D-Line remind you of the Fridge and the gang? Is Ryan Grant half as sweet as Sweetness?

Winner: Green Bay in a close one

Buffalo @ New England

These two are currently in a football three way with the New York Football Jets of all teams. And the Dolphins aren't far behind. What was once New England's division by a landslide, is now like the American political spectrum, all cramped in the middle. With the Football Jets playing the Rams, the division will likely end up in a two way tie. So who will it be? Darth Vader and the Sign-Stealers? Or Beast Mode and the 5-3 Huh???

Winner: In a slight home-field nudge, the Patriots

St. Louis @ Football Jets

Like I said before, this should be easy for the Jets. The Rams can't run, pass or score points. They are also second to last in points allowed. Despite their awful defense, Brett Favre will gunsling them at least three interceptions, keeping this game at least close. In the end, though, Favre's grittiness and raw winningnessability will win it. I mean, Favre could fight five bears at once and fell them all with one mighty punch. Plus, he's comfortable in Wrangler.

Winner: Football Jets

Carolina @ Oakland

Oh, how I love it when the Raiders fail. They had 77 total net yards. Are you kidding me? That's more beautiful than Keira Knightley. Meanwhile the Panthers have been riding their mediocrity to first place. They are right in the middle of the pack in total defense and total offense. They should probably see if John Daly is still passed out in front of that Hooters. He might be able to play a good nose tackle.

Winner: Carolina

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

So Peyton Manning is back is he? We'll see against the Steelers. Their defense completely embarrassed the Redskins offense, now it's Peyton's turn. He'll have to do his job, since the Colts defense has caught the injury bug. Dwight Freeney is out with, I believe, a Napoleon Complex. All of their corners are out with flat zone coverage exhaustion. And, of course, Peyton is still questionable because of an elongated forehead.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Kansas City @ San Diego

Is Larry Johnson going to be back or did he spit in Herm Edwards' face? Who knows? I do know that I was completely wrong about Tyler Thigpen. He is a non-stop wrecking force. In other news, David Eckstein will hit 45 home runs next year. Jose Theodore will reclaim his Vezina and Hart Trophies. Allen Iverson will average 20 assists per game. And Landon Donovan will be good at soccer.

Winner: San Diego

Football Giants @ Philadelphia

Alas, everyone's favorite little puppy, Eli Manning, has returned to form after some down weeks. Hell, I thought he returned to form during those down weeks, but anything can happen (see Tyler Thigpen). He and his running backs will have a difficult time, though, against the Eagles D-line. I know everyone thinks the Giants offensive line is superhuman or something, but let's wait and see. I bet the sacks the Giants allow are directly proportional to an increase in reddish hue in Tom Coughlin's face.

Winner: Football Giants

San Fransisco @ Arizona

Normally, I would think this would be a boring game, but Mike Singletary could drop his pants at any moment! Ken Whisenhunt should put on some basketball pants and make his inspirational depanstings more dramatic. It would be a pants-off war. If only, Lt. Kellen Winslow was on one of these teams.
Winner: Arizona

Last Week: 8-6
Overall: 60-39