Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 9

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jay Cutler on his bye week back home in Nashville:

"It was good to get a break and get refreshed a little bit."

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Football Jets @ Buffalo

A hard-fought divisional battle between rivals from the same state. The self-proclaimed "New York" Jets aren't actually from New York. They are just afraid of admitting to being from New Jersey. It's okay Jets, I would be too. I don't think there are actually any gardens in that state, only black and green lakes that may or may not contain nuclear waste. Plus there are lots of people who tear the sleeves of their t-shirts and slick back their hair. Gross. On another note, the Bills do not actually have anyone on their team named "Bill." This is misleading and should be rectified. There are no players in the NFL officially named Bill, so they should at least sign or trade for a Billy, like Volek or Miller.

Winner: Buffalo (no)Bills

Detroit @ Chicago

Roy E. Williams is no longer stuck catching Dan Orlovsky passes. Now he gets Brad Johnson passes! Wow, that sucks. The Lions and the Bengals should place high-stakes bets on who will be the first to win a game. My money is on neither. Can these teams be relocated, taken apart and rebuilt from scratch? I hear Oklahoma City likes sports franchises.

Winner: Chicago

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

Continuing from before, Ohio already has plenty of well-liked sports franchises--Indians, Cavaliers, Buckeyes, even the frickin' Browns. It's not like the Bengals have a chance this year, or probably in the next five. They have been probably the worst franchise when you take into account their entire existence (damn you, Raiders). Since the NFL may expand to Canada with the Bills, I say the Bengals go south and become the Mexico City Gorditas or the Mexico City Chalupas. Oh wait--if there was a Taco Bell in Mexico it would probably be bombed for committing treason against a revered culinary tradition.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Don't look now, but the Ravens are one game behind the Steelers in the standings. Might I add that they are doing it with His Royal Unibrow at QB. Their second best defense (yards-wise) and a fantasy-killing menage a trois at running back (please just give McClain the goal-line carries, for frick's sake) is helping take the load off Delaware Joe. Maybe they'll bust out more gadget plays with Flacco making some catches. That sucker can run. Well, sort of. Speaking of gadgets, stay away from Kellen Winslow. Speaking of Winslow and the Browns crappiness, I think the Browns have a staff infection. Get it? Cause they're coaches, and franchise as a whole, are terrible? Probably the best joke I've ever written, perhaps anyone has ever written.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Kansas City

Oh, lordy lord, why would thee make this game exist? Ever? I spit in this game's face. If I was commentating for this game I would probably quit. Or just do stand up instead of subjecting people to this hideous monstrosity. What's the latest Dane Cook bit? Something about stomping around and yelling a lot? Yeah, probably that. Most people would rather just look at pictures of Jeff Garcia's wife. Seriously, how did that happen? The poor girl is wasting her good genes on a west coast system QB who looks like a pederast and makes hand gestures like this.

Winner: Jeff Garcia, hands down. Also, Tampa Bay

Houston @ Minnesota

So it's the Williams sisters vs. Schaub, Slaton, and the sports team who hails from the state of Texas that had no better ideas for a team mascot than the god damn Texans. It looks like the Tennessee Tennesseeans really have control of the AFC South, but you can't count out the Indianapolis Indianans and their playoff ubiquity. The Jacksonville Floridians also have the skill on the lines and a good running game to be real contenders. In the land of creativitylessness, who knows what will happen? As for the Minnesota Minnesotans, they are like so fat. OMG! If I weighed 350 lbs and got suspended for taking illegal diuretics to lose weight, I would... Well, I would take my six figure per game salary and buy one Playstation 3. If I saved up, I might be able to get one game as well.

Winner: Houston. Offense wins a game for once

Arizona @ St. Louis

The Cardinals are in first gosh darn effing place, by two games. They have no running game and a weak defense. His Lord's Servant, Kurt Warner, must be praying his tail off. When you have Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald as receivers, there really is no reason to pray because your prayers have been answered. Oh, by the way, the Cardinals have scored more points than anyone in football! With a frickin' 97-year old quarterback who wants to retire! Okay so they haven't faced the best defenses--mere semantics.

Winner: St. Louis because Jim Haslett is the greatest coach of all time!

Green Bay @ Tennessee

So maybe the Titans are for real. Chris Johnson is faster than a cheetah on PEDs with its ass caught on fire. Lendale White is fatter than a megalodon that lives on nothing but ribs and Marlon Brando. The Packers are hoping that Hairon Rodgers is for real, now that he makes about as much money as Peyton Manning.

Winner: Tennessee

Miami @ Denver

Denver is coming off a much needed bye week and playing back home at Invesco Field at Relatively Close to One Mile Above Sea Level Give or Take About 100 Feet or So. Miami brings their crazy new-fangled single wing offense, updated for the 20th century. Two things, Tony Sparano, they allow the forward pass these days, and Chad Pennington can't pass forward for more than maybe a yard or two. Perhaps you can find a QB who can throw the ball more than about five feet. I don't care if Matthew Mcconaughey told you to play Pennington.

Winner: Pretty please with sugar on top let it be the Broncos. I don't think I could take another loss right now

Dallas @ Football Giants

Finally an epicly dramatic game! Plenty of tears, break ups and cheating on your special friends with their best friends. It's okay, TO, I know Tony Romo is your quarterback. You don't have to cry. Oh wait, Brad Johnson. Okay, you can go ahead and cry. If my quarterback had the arm strength of a newborn baby (or Chad Pennington come to think of it) and the mobility of the Great Pyramid of Giza, I would probably cry too.

Winner: Football Giants

Atlanta @ Oakland

Facing off are the two quarterbacks taken higher than any others at their position in the last two drafts. When I was watching Mel Kiper Jr. enunciate like the meth addict he is, I kept think Ryan and Russell were going to be like Joey Harrington bad. It looks like I was half right. Jamarcus Russell is about as terrible as I thought he would be, but Matt Ryan is defying logic and reason by becoming an effective rookie quarterback. He has steps to go, of course, but he has already become an effective game manager. Maybe in a few years he will move up from Boring and Effective 3: The Phantom Menace, starring Trent Dilfer, from the writers and producers of Waiting to Exhale, and into the Legends of Gunsling Yore, starring Brett Favre, written by the sports media, produced by lazy people pumping out cliches.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Seattle

Right now the Eagles have to be thinking, "Well, the Phillies did it, why can't us?" For practice this week, were Jon Runyan and William Thomas working on their blocking skills by destroying bus stops, blowing up cars, and booing fellow rioters? It probably will be very effective. My only concern is the false starts in Seattle, with their infamous crowd noise. Speaking of which, there has been a refereeing travesty occurring at Qwest Field. Game after game, play after play, the Seattle Seahawks haven't been called for too many men on the field of play. They frickin' advertise that they have 12 players on defense. It's probably Ed Hochuli's fault.

Winner: Philadelphia (Holmgren picked the wrong year to quit (and to stop sniffing glue))

New England @ Indianapolis

Usually the most anticipated game of the year. Not this year. GQ QB is hurt and Peyton looks human behind a broken o-line and virtually no running game. Al and John are probably going to mention those things very frequently. Then John will start drawing pictures of Tough Actin' Tinactin on the screen for no reason and recall a story when he once farted in the Horse Trailer and the smell didn't go away for the entirety of the state of Nebraska. NBC should just get Frank Caliendo to do impressions of John and Al. It would be cheaper. Plus, his impersonation-driven comedy is about as funny as Dane Cook's yelling and stomping-driven comedy.

Winner: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh @ Washington

Hey Redskins fans, the 'Skins aren't going to win the Super Bowl. I know you think every time they win a game they are going to win it all, but they aren't. These aren't the late 80s. Joe Gibbs can't put plumbers and janitors at quarterback and still win Super Bowls anymore. He's too busy watching a car go around in circles. I don't think Clinton "Does all the work" Portis and Jason "I haven't thrown an interception yet because I haven't thrown any passes" Campbell will be able to move the sticks against the Steelers ridiculously good defense.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Carolina @ San Fransisco

Okay, this isn't a real game, but the NFL is a dick scheduling their bye weeks right now. Here is a scene from my upcoming screen-writing and directorial debut, Shit Show.

Vernon Davis and John Daly are hanging out in a Hooters in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. It's late night happy hour so coconut martinis are only dollar. After their tab runs up to $40 only in martinis, Daly begins to yell and harass one of the waitresses, grabbing her in inappropriate places. He then gets depressed and complains to Davis about how his wife beats him and takes his booze money to go shopping at Neiman Marcus. Then Mike Singletary jumps through a window, screaming and runs up to Davis and Daly, who are sitting at the bar. He yells at Davis as loud as he possibly can about his questionable work ethic. Daly, meanwhile has passed out drunk and had a heart attack simultaneously. Singletary then drops his pants to the floor causing widespread shock and confusion throughout the restaurant. Hooters, being a family restaurant, has several patrons who are considered children. Many of these children begin to cry as Singletary runs all over the restaurant, pants down, yelling "I want winners!" He then gets in Davis' face and explains to him that he dropped his pants because he wants Davis to try harder. Then Davis cries because he was so happy about being drafted, despite how most pre-draft talk suggested he would be top-10 and how he was actually at the draft, with like five of the other "top" players available.

And... Scene

Last Week: 7-7
Overall: 52-33