And the award for best screenplay goes to...

Well, after the nauseating travesty that occurred on Sunday, I feel like talking about baseball. Allow me to join the pointless parade and make my picks for the baseball Emmy's.

NL

The Most Valuable Offensive Player to His Team Regardless of How Crappy His Teammates are Award

And the nominees are: Carlos Beltran, Lance Berkman, Chipper Jones, Albert Pujols, Hanley Ramirez, Manny Ramirez, David Wright

There really is no competition here. It's Pujols. Each of the candidates has their merits:
Beltran - Very good hitter and defender at a premium position, who almost never gets caught stealing.
Berkman - Did everything you could possibly want a hitter to do.
Jones - .470 OBP: holy hell.
Ramirez, H - Best hitting shortstop in baseball and is improving to almost average D.
Ramirez, M - Outstanding year at the plate, but did that confusing league switch and is kind of a dickhead.
Wright - He's just a flat out amazing hitter who can play him some D.
Pujols, though, absolutely destroyed NL pitching, to a degree almost Bondsian in scope. .462 OBP? .653 SLG? They should give him anti-PEDs because he's too good. On top of that, by just about every measure, he is the best defensive first basemen in all of baseball. Maple Woods Community College must have one hell of a baseball program.

The not-Cy Young Award for the Pitcher Who is Best at Getting People Out, Which is His Job

And the nominees are: Cole Hamels, Rich Harden, Dan Haren, Tim Lincecum, (I can't believe I'm writing this) Ricky Nolasco, C.C. Sabathia, Johan Santana

I'm not taking wins into account here, because wins are, well, moronic. Here's a story to illustrate my hatred for pitching wins:
Once upon a time, Joe was sitting on his couch enjoying an ice-cold Pineapple Zima, watching Real World: Darfur. Upon finishing his delicious Zima, Joe decides that he wants some Skoal and a Jolly Rancher, so he walks to his local corner store. On his way, he crosses a street. Not two seconds into his trip across the street, a Kia Sorento comes screaming down the road and strikes Joe. As he is lying there with his blood and organs everywhere, a Jimmy John's delivery boy comes up to him and asks, "Did somebody order Jimmy John's?" Joe tells the delivery boy that he did not, in fact, order Jimmy John's and asks the delivery boy to call a hospital. And Joe died.

By the logic of pitching wins, Joe was viciously murdered by Zima. The only connection between a pitcher and his offense scoring runs, is that they coexist in a similar space and time, much like Zima and Joe's death. Also, what's the deal with the Jimmy John's commercials?

Anyways, all the nominees had outstanding years. It was a terrific year for pitching in the National League. I'm going to have to go with the league WPA and K/9 leader, Tim Lincecum. He was pretty much amazing for the amazingly awful Giants. Add to this, he is an elf with a high-90s fastball. My only problem with Lincecum, besides being on the Giants, is that the Rockies drafted Greg Reynolds before him. But I guess neither of those things are Lincecum's fault.

AL

The Most Valuable Offensive Player to His Team Regardless of How Crappy His Teammates are Award

And the nominees are: Milton Bradley, Josh Hamilton, Joe Mauer, Justin Morneau, Dustin Pedroia, Alex Rodriguez, Grady Sizemore

Okay, Rodriguez is the actual MVP, but I so strongly dislike him that I want to take him out of the competition. Bradley is similar. He was the best hitter in the AL, but he was also the biggest asshole in the AL. Hamilton's a fun story, but he's not a center fielder. Mauer is really good at a really tough position and was hugely responsible for the Twins maybe making the playoffs--same with Morneau, who had a drastically better year than his embarrassing MVP year. Pedroia is also incredibly good, but he plays for the Red Sox, and right now, the Red Sox don't need any more media accolades, plus they'll probably beat the Cubs in the World Series (that is, if the playoffs weren't a complete crapshoot.) So who is left?

Grady Sizemore. He can hit - second in VORP after Rodriguez. Okay, so he isn't much of a fielder and for some inexplicable reason, he has gotten progressively worse at defense each year of his career. I feel like ignoring his D today. He hits incredibly well at a poor-hitting position, which he more or less plays passably. He is also the only reason the Indians have won any games except ? and ?.

The not-Cy Young Award for the Pitcher Who is Best at Getting People Out, Which is His Job

And the nominees are: Josh Beckett, Roy Halladay, Cliff Lee, Ervin Santana, James Shields

So, however the hell it happened, Cliff Lee had an insane year. He led all starting pitchers in baseball in Win Shares. He was second in the AL in WHIP and third in K/BB (Halladay, a very deserving candidate, leads both). The other pitchers played very well, but Lee and Halladay were in a league of their own. Lee's ERA and comparable other stats nudge out Halladay.

In the next few days I will do the Derr Awards (things like Gamer of the Year, Driven Cologne Clutch Performer of the year, etc.) and also the Rockies Awards, though they are deserving of none such accolades.