Jeremy Bates Hates Punters

I'm sick of studying right now and my posting of late has been sporadic to say the least. So: post:

Yes, it’s true. He does. I don’t know Jeremy Bates on a personal level, nor do I have the connections or credentials to interview him. If I did, this is how I imagine the conversation would go:

Me: Jeremy, what’s crack-a-lack-in, bro? You hangin' loose, my main man?

Jeremy (puzzled): What?

Me: Funky fresh. Jeremy, do you have some deep-seated hatred for punters stemming from a traumatic childhood event?

Jeremy: Why, yes, sir. How intuitive you are!

Me: Thank you. Could you please elaborate on what caused said hatred for punters?

Jeremy: Well, my father was a punter and he used to get liquored up on Mike’s Hard Light Pomegranate Lemonade and beat me.

Me: I believe Mike’s has only been making high-quality malt beverages at low, low prices since 1999 and you are a sprite 32-year old. Ergo, you would have to have been a child of 23 for your story to make sense.

Jeremy: Agree to disagree.

Me: Okay… Also, isn’t your father an unemployed defensive coordinator?

Jeremy: That’s what the CIA wants you to think.

(Jeremy then throws down a magician’s ball of smoke and runs away cackling.)

The End.

How realistic was that conversation!?!?! I could write for the Real World or something.

Anyways... back to my original idea. Jeremy Bates hates punters. If you were unaware, Dictator Shanahan has let Bates call the plays this season. For the first three weeks, he has installed a punterless offense. Poor Brett Kern is an undrafted rookie, just trying to prove he belongs in the NFL. Well, Brett, not on Bates watch. The guy has punted 7 times in three games, while Bates has let Cutler lead 8000 scoring drives (may not be accurate). That's just not fair.

The Dallas Cowboys, they of the most total yards in the NFL, have punted 8 times. The Super Bowl Champion New York Football Giants have punted 11 times. Only the Chargers, who have played but twice, and the Seattle Seahawks have punted less frequently. Oh, Brett Kern, what woeful deed hast thy laid upon yon Jeremy Bates?

The only benevolent course of action here is to let Kern show everyone what he can do. Cutler is probably bored with throwing touchdowns by now. Maybe have a few punts on first down. How about a fake punt pass on third-and-2? If you can't do that, Mr. Bates, please ask His Royal Shanahan to release Kern, and sign a player that can play defense.