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The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week:
"That’s the kind of guy I want to take in my fox hole." - Brandon Marshall

I'll let you ponder about what he is saying there.

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Atlanta at Carolina

Who would have thought that a 45-year old former MTV VJ turned talk show host could be a decent NFL running back? And who would have thought that Matt Ryan wouldn't throw only interceptions in the NFL?

Winner: Carolina

Cleveland at Cincinnati

The ultimate Ohio showdown. Too bad Ohio State is better than both these teams and they can barely beat Regular Ohio. I put it to you: Romeo Crennel would look awesome in a sweater vest.

Romeo, o, Romeo, wherefore art thou sweater vest, Romeo? That's five minutes of Windows Paint genius. Boo ya!

Winner: All other professional sports that are played in Ohio. If I must, Cleveland.

Houston at Jacksonville

Hurricane Ike apparently has only devastated the Texan's offensive line. Too soon? Insensitive? Perhaps. Expect 10 people in the crowd at Jacksonville Municipal Stadium. Could somebody explain to me why Florida has three football teams? Old people don't like football. They like buffets.

Winner: Jaguar beats Texan. Paper covers rock.

Denver at Kansas City

LL Cool Jay vs. the Chiefs' secondary: Mama Said Knock You Out. A message to Chiefs' rookie starting CB Brandon Flowers: Somebody told me that you had boyfriend who looked like a girlfriend that I had in February of last year.

Winner: Denver

San Fransisco at New Orleans

Wow, Reggie Bush has finally realized his Barry Sanders-like potential... as a checkdown receiver. I think his girlfriend Kim Kardashian's, um, sweater cows, are bigger than Bush's entire body. Maybe she can run those things between the tackles.

Winner: The (covers cartoon mouth with some object so that the audio can be changed for future showings of the episode) New Orleans Saints

Arizona at New York Football Jets

Headline on ESPN.com today: Brett Favre has allegedly farted. Favre has apparently issued an apology, saying that the situation was between he and his family. He said that he is only worried about his next football game. Analysts are wondering how he plans to explain this to Deanna.

Winner: Football Jets

Green Bay at Tampa Bay

The battle of the Bays. Rather, it should be the battle of the visor vs. the full-blown hat. Wasn't Jon Gruden in the new Batman?

Winner: Green Bay

Minnesota at Tennessee

My elder brother, Adrian Peterson, will try to not get his head stomped on by Albert Haynesworth. Also, Cortland Finnegan deserves credit for having the second most blatantly Irish name in the NFL, after Adewale Ogunleye.

Winner: Houston Oilers

San Diego at Oakland

San Diego's purportedly excellent defense has been far from excellent so far this year. Maybe Shawne Merriman can hook up some of the other guys on their D with some steroids. All the Oakland D can get is probably Viagra from Al Davis.

Winner: San Diego

Buffalo at St. Louis

St. Louis, meet Trent Green... again. Scott Linehan, with his job on the line, is putting a sufferer of Alzheimer's at quarterback. We'll see how many times he lines up at fullback, provided, of course, that he doesn't get a concussion doing his pregame warm-up.

Winner: Southern Toronto Bills

Washington at Dallas

Cowboys vs. Indians, eh? At a press conference today, when asked about Jessica Simpson, Tony Romo said, "Girls are yucky. They have cooties." In rebuttal, Jason Campbell has reportedly called Romo a "butthead," saying he should "eat a bunch of doo doo."

Winner: Dallas

Philadelphia at Chicago

Brian Westbrook is out. Correll Buckhalter is in. Where do the eagles find runnings backs with surnames like that? A fencing academy in London? They sound like cricket players, not football players. Fantasy tip: pick up Eagles' 3rd string RB, Chester Terrywicke-Smithson III. Rumors are that Devin Hester will miss the game due to injury. Now the Bears offense will actually have to try, instead of letting special teams do all the scoring for them.

Winner: Philadelphia

Baltimore at Pittsburgh

It appears we have a heated AFC North battle on our hands. The Pittsburgh offensive line is coming off their bye week, and with all the team present, the Steelers think they have a shot at the undefeated Ravens. What's that you say? The Steelers offensive line played last week? Wow, it sure didn't look like it.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Last Week: 11-5
Overall: 11-5