Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 16

The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week

Terrell Owens on how to answer a question without having to actually answer it:

"I believe somebody said it. But I didn't say it. So, why would somebody just jump to the conclusion that I said it and it created all this, uh, all this controversy and this turmoil throughout the week because again, if you look at situations that have happened in the past, just say give this incident, for example. You're a reporter. Ed's a reporter. All those guys are going to ask guys in the locker room. Give me your take on what's going on. Sure there may be some guys... If I was at fault, those guys are going to say that I was at fault. So it's going to be confirming what the situation is."

I guess Stephen A. Smith was too busy enacting his long planned revenge on Ed Werder to actually focus on his interview and ask penetrative questions--questions like: What the fuck are you talking about? and Could you please actually answer my question in a truthful, candid, non-political manner?
__________________________________________________________________

The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week

Holy hell, it's already week 16. They already announced the Pro Bowl rosters. I guess it's time to go ahead and announce the Scrappy Bowl roster. Here are your gritty, gutty gamers for the year (mostly white, as the cliche goes):

The 2008 All-Scrap Team
QB - Chad Pennington - No, he doesn't have a beard. No, he's not Brett Favre. But he has little to no talent, yet he still has helped the Dolphins (1-15 last year) to a division-leading 9-5 record. He's even gutted out an average of one touchdown pass per game.
RB - Darren Sproles - This is always a tough roster spot. A scrappy running back is kind of an oxymoron. Still, Sproles might actually be scrappy. He's a quick little guy that never gives up. (This would have gone to Peyton Hillis, but he got injured and won't be able to play in the Scrappy Bowl)
FB - Dan Klecko - Gotta be Dan Klecko. He is so untalented he can't stick with one position. The Eagles have tried him as a fullback and a defensive tackle. Anywhere you can fit his can-do Rudy attitude is good for the team.
WR - Wes Welker - He is pretty much a lock every year. He can have it next year too. The minute wideout is second in the NFL in receptions this year. And he's almost 3 feet tall!
TE - Kevin Boss - He hasn't hadded the greatest year and he is very unspectacular, but he has replaced Jeremy Shockey, and actually showed Jeremy Shockey up. Anyone who shows up Jeremy Shockey, or sullies him in any way, has a special place in my heart.
OL - Jon Runyan - Just one O-lineman this year. That's because Runyan has the balls to take on a whole defensive line--and break their fingers while the refs aren't looking.
DE - Kyle Vanden Bosch - Could have gone with Jared Allen here, but I think Vanden Bosch has really shown his gamesmanship this year. I mean, look at that goatee.
DT - Justin Bannan - With Kelly Gregg (very scrappy in his own right) missing the season, Bannan has filled in admirably, anchoring one of the best defenses in football. Plus, he's a former Buff and lord knows they haven't had any talented players in fifteen years.
LB - Barrett Ruud - Ruud seems like the quintessential linebacker. He's not particularly fast but he plays hard and always finds himself near the ball. Very Scrappy.
CB - Cortland Finnegan - Maybe it's because his name is really white, I don't know. Still, he's a bump and run corner. He likes phsyical contact with receivers. He isn't afraid of getting within ten yards of the receiver he is supposed to be covering, unlike Dre Bly.
S - Eric Weddle - Remeber when he was coming out of college and nobody knew what position he played, but knew that he played his ass off? Well, he has. He currently leads the Chargers "defense" in tackles and has the second most tackles of any safety in the NFL.
K - John Carney - He's old.
P - Jeff Feagles - He's also old.
_____________________________________________________________________

Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

Has anybody noticed how boring the Colts are? Sure, they score lot, but they are so predictable and methodical that there is really no point in watching. It's like watching something in the microwave. The Colts have the ball they're going to march down the field and score on a touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne. I put my Campbell's Chunky Soup in the microwave and three minutes later it is quite warm. New Cambell's Chunky Soup--It's so chunky, we got rid of that pussy-ass soup. (Electric guitar noises and picture of kids skateboarding) This ain't your grandma's soup. It's 100% chunks, unwatered down by that soup crap. Soup is for the birds. Chunks are funky fresh, homeslice. Now, with only 350% your daily value in sodium.

Winner: Alas, I'm too late

Baltimore @ Dallas

I heard that Todd Heap is totally BFFs with Willis McGahee and they are like totally pissed about how Joe Flacco has been running the offense. Also Mark Clayton told me that Ray Rice said that Troy Smith totally saw Lorenzo Neal making out with Le'Ron McClain's girlfriend. OMG!!!!!!!

Winner: Baltimore

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

I'm calling it now, folks. 0-0 tie. That's right, Donovan. The Bengals tie two games in one year. I really don't see how these teams could score any points. Maybe a field goal because of an interception. Maybe.

Winner: Tie

New Orleans @ Detroit

So, Reggie Bush is out for the rest of the season. I think this finally proves that he has the toughness and durability to play running back in the NFL. Ahman Green did it. Why can't us?

Winner: New Orleans

Arizona @ New England

I think the last four weeks have shown that the Cardinals really aren't all that good. I mean, I know a running game is totally worthless, but it seems like they could use one. Maybe playing a bit of defense might help a bit too.

Winner: New England

Pittsburgh @ Tennessee

Knowing the amount of games available on basic cable, this probably won't be on. It seems like two or three years ago, there were always three games on--at 1 MST and at 4 MST. Now, there is one game on at 1 (maybe one more on occasion) and it's the Lions versus the Bengals or something. Then, if the Broncos are playing at 4, their game is on. If they aren't playing at 4, no game is on. There are 47 simultaneous college football games on cable television on Saturdays and every once and a while they can muster up two simultaneous NFL games on Sunday. Way to go, NFL.

Winner: Tennessee get's the roll back on WHAT!

San Fransisco @ St. Louis

This game doesn't matter at all except for draft position. These teams might as NBA-it and try to lose. Ain't no lottery getting in their way. Hell, the Rams could even get Matt Stafford. He's good, right?

Winner: Frisco

Miami @ Kansas City

How did the Chiefs blow that game last week? I know they're the Chiefs, but still. The Chargers must have paid off Herm Edwards or something. Stuff like that should not happen.

Winner: Miami

San Diego @ Tampa Bay

I like how Philip Rivers said that their comeback win last week showed the character of their football team. They beat one of the worst teams in football a year after making the AFC championship with virtually the same roster. Now, that's what I call character.

Winner: Tampa Bay (pretty please)

Buffalo @ Denver

Trent Edwards is back, so there will be no retarded game-losing fumbles for J.P. Losman. I bet they are super psyched they signed Dick Jauron to an extension after they started 5-1. The 1-7 record since then is much more in line with what Jauron has done throughout his career.

Winner: Denver

Football Jets @ Seattle

The Jets have scored more points than any team but the Cardinals this season. Last year, they struggled to score as many points all season as most teams score in one game. The only new starters on offense are Brett Favre, Damien Woody, Alan Faneca and then Tony Richardson and Dustin Keller have split starts. I know Faneca is good, but the others... meh. Maybe Brett Favre really does make everyone else on his team magically play better, like everybody says.

Winner: Football Jets

Houston @ Oakland

You have to wonder what the Raiders are going to do this offseason. And next offseason for that matter. They have a good pass defense and that's it. They need a whole new offensive line, a quarterback, at least one quality receiever, a new defensive line, at least another linebacker. Al Davis is only going to drive them further into the ground. It sure is a satisfying situation, though, as a Broncos fan.

Winner: Houston

Atlanta @ Minnesota

Tavaris Jackson threw 4 frickin' touchdowns last week. 4. So they forgot about the Gus train and jumped on board with him. I'm not a mathmetician or nothing, but sources tell me the Cardinals have given up more passing TDs than any team in football. The Falcons have given up almost half as many. 4 TDs ain't happening again for Jackson.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Washington

After their trainwrecks againts Cincinnati and Baltimore, the Eagles have played quite well. I guess for those two weeks the McRib was available at McDonalds and Andy Reid had other things on his mind.

Winner: Philadelphia

Carolina @ Football Giants

Oh, poor little Giants miss their Plaxico Burress. Thus is the tragedy of sweatpants. Brandon Jacobs is questionable, but people seem to think he's going to play. As long as he doesn't have dinner at Applebee's today or tomorrow.

Winner: Carolina

Green Bay @ Chicago

Remember how great Green Bay was at the beginning of the year. They were going to make the Super Bowl. Their defense was jammin' mon. Well, not so much. Those Green Bay pundits fell under a classic Brett Favre ruse. See how well the Jets are doing with crappy players? Well, Brett Favre was the entire Packers team. Atari Bigby forgot how to play safety without Brett Favre. It happened to like twenty other Packers too. Crazy.

Winner: Chicago

Last Week: 9-7
Overall: 117-76

An Ode to Willy Taveras

In honor of the Rockies' erstwhile centerfielder Willy Taveras' abrupt departure from the Mile High City, I've taken time out of my "busy" schedule to honor this occasion with a bit of poetry.

Onward, ho.

An Ode to Willy Taveras

Oh Willy Taveras, though your feet are fleet

To me, the bench holds your permanent seat

It's a shame you're not our problem anymore

For when you reached base, you would normally score

But therein lies the issues that be

Your two bum legs and .308 obp

As you flailed at pitches, Skip Hurdle turned terse

And filled out his lineup sans you hitting first

This irked you greatly, and doth you protest

That your stolen-base record placed you with the best

You came to the ballpark with your mind on a mission

But you still hit .204 with runners in scoring position

While Spilly was sparking an anemic offense

You were misjudging flies as you high-fived the fence

While we'll never forget your NLCS Game Two game-saver

The tastes in our mouths are not ones we will savor

Though your speed was electric and you possessed quite a burst

You forgot in the rule book that you can't steal first

So we had to part ways, what with the outfield youth

Climbing the ladder like George Michael Bluth

Like Santa's reindeer, we've got young guns to lead us

And it's so reminiscent of the Night Before Christmas

On Fowler, on Car-Gon, on Hawper and Smitty

On Stewart, on Tulo, on Atkins, and Spilly

So unfortunately Willy, your talent's not needed

But I'm sure that your hot stove will soon be reheated

When you face us as foe, I'm sure you'll be pissed

But just know that in Denver, your stats won't be missed

Fin.

Broncos Looking at a Must-Win Sunday

My apologies for the brief sabbatical I've taken from my duties here on Bleacher Report, but Vegas called and sometimes, you just have to accept the charges.

Onto the Broncos.

As the ashes from the Broncos beatdown at the hands of the Carolina Panthers continue to fall, things are starting to get a little more tense here in Broncos Country.

With the opportunity to clinch the AFC West Division title yesterday with either a Chargers loss at the hands of the Chiefs or a Broncos victory, the Broncos could have wrapped up a playoff berth with just 11 shopping days left until Christmas.

The Chiefs, however, had other plans.

Clinging to an 11-point lead with just over a minute left, the Chiefs remembered exactly who we thought they were and allowed Philip "the sun was in my eyes, bro" Rivers to throw a touchdown pass. Thinking moral victories count in the final standings, the Chiefs then allowed the Chargers to recover an onside kick and march down the field for another touchdown to give them the lead at 22-21.

Just for good measure, Tyler Thigpen then drove the team into field goal range for a chance to win the game which they, of course, subsequently missed.

Thanks, Kansas City.

Coupled with the Broncos 30-10 thrashing in Carolina, the playoff berth we had seemingly already wrapped up is a bit more up in the air today.

At 8-6, we are still in the driver's seat in the division, but now hold a two-game lead over San Diego with two to play.

In my gut, however, I know this race is far from over.

Here's the worst case scenario: The Chargers walk into Tampa next week and take down the Buccaneers and the Broncos play with their usual lack of intensity at home against Buffalo and are saddled with a loss.

With a one-game lead over the Chargers going into the season's final week, we would then travel to San Diego in a winner-take-all game that would determine the AFC West Champion.

If you ask me, I don't want to take that chance.

There are many factors playing in our favor in this weekend's games. We are at home, though that's not as much of an advantage anymore, and we're playing a team that forgot the season kept going after September.

The Chargers are going to Tampa, where NFC South teams are a combined 26-2 at home this season after Sunday's bouts.

The Broncos have to view Sunday's tilt with the Bills as a must-win game. The Bills, 1-7 in their last eight games after starting the season 5-1, have been free-falling faster than the temperature in Denver this weekend.

If you ask me, I'll take my chances with a team in disarray at home than with our hated rivals finding their stride on the road.

I hope the Broncos feel the same way.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 15 Part 2

San Diego @ Kansas City

Want to know something scary? No? Okay, never mind then. Screw it, I'll tell you. (Assumes Tony Kornheiser Extreme Enunciation Mode, or TKEED) TYLER THIGPEN has 14!!! touchdown passes this year in EIGHT starts. TYLER THIGPEN. I mean, nobody even knew who he was at the beginning of the year, Jaws. (Deactivates TKEED) I guess that's really not that impressive when you get to face the Chargers' secondary twice a year.

Winner: An early Christmas present from the Chiefs in Arrowhead

Detroit @ Indianapolis

Those tenacious Lions are running out of time. Only three games left to avoid getting Buccaneered for the season. Indy isn't as formidable as they have been in recent years and Lucas Oil Stadium doesn't have as much piped in crowd noise as the Peyton Dome. Still, the Lions are about as formidable as wet tissue paper--the generic kind.

Winner: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Arizona

Remember that scene in Any Given Sunday when Cameron Diaz walks into the locker room and that guy has his large fireman hanging out? Gross. Congratulations Visanthe Shiancoe. Not only were you able to trick a few team insiders into seeing your dong, you tricked millions of FOX viewers, many of whom were probably children, into seing Visanthe Jr. or Dr. Wang or whatever you like to call it. Your buffoonery and hijinks frightened many children across the country. I call sexual predation upon thee, crule Visanthe.

Winner: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Aaron Smith, one of the Steelers best defensive players, went to the prestigious University of Northern Colorado in lovely Greeley, Colorado. So did Vincent Jackson of the Chargers. And Reed Doughty of the Washington Redskins. When did Northern Colorado become a bed of NFL talent? For those of you who have never been to Greeley or within 20 miles of Greeley on a windy day, it smells like shit. Lots and lots of cow shit. The Greeley area is home to many of the burgers and steaks sitting on plates across the US. These three NFL players must love their NFL lives, to have suffered through 3-5 years of constant cow shit/dead cow smell. That's like prison.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Denver @ Carolina

To quote the late, great poet laureate Freddy Mercury, "And another one bites the dust." I know Mike Shanahan is a cold and heartless man, which is one of the qualities that makes a good coach (see Belichick, Bill), but Shanahan's running back destroying offense is suspect to me. Five backs on the IR? Giving Tatum Bell carries? When will he throw Cutler into the fire? He'll probably start running the option on Sunday and Cutler will tear two acls and a rotary cuff. Sidenote: being a brainless man is not one of the qualities of a good coach (see Turner, Norv).

Winner: Carolina (tear)

New England @ Oakland

Speaking of heartless, I'm surprised Belichick let Cassel go home and grieve for his late father. I guess Belichick is still used to the weekly routine of Tom Brady. Where Brady would stare at himself in the mirror for five to six hours per day, Cassel studies game film. Matt just had to put aside his film room time to make time for his family.

Winner: New England

Football Giants @ Dallas

Two things here:
1. That must have been a tough loss for Eli Manning last week. I wonder how Tom Coughlin consoled Eli afterwards... Maybe a Capri Sun, a Fruit Roll-up, and Eli's favorite movie Water Horse: Legend of the Deep. That would cheer up any small child.

2. This: "Wide receiver Terrell Owens has expressed resentment toward Tony Romo, apparently jealous of the quarterback's relationship with tight end Jason Witten."
OMG!!! Jason Witten and Tony Romo are BFFS!!! Is he gonna be best man when Tony weds Jessica??? ESPN is turning into Friday Night Lights. Did Terrell Owens sleep with Lyla Garrity, while Jason Street was in the hospital, paralyzed? Julie Taylor must be cheating on TO with "the Swede." This is not a sports story. It should not be news. God. Damn. It.

Winner: Football Giants because the Cowboys will be so distracted by the crazy drama! OMG!

Cleveland @ Philadelphia

Andy Reid has about as much personality as a dead tree. As soon as he gets fired in the offseason, I hope some network picks him up. He could just sit on the side eating donuts, while Chris Carter pretends everyone else loves him, forcing Keyshawn and TJ to awkwardly smile. Maybe Ditka could throw him a few shots of whatever hard liquor he drinks during the show. All in all, I think it would be great chemistry.

Winner: Philadelphia

Last Week: 10-6
Overall: 108-69

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em Week 15 Part 1

The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week*

*Used to be The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week, but I'm changing the name... for the next three weeks.

Nnandi Asomugha on the Raiders as a team:

"We're not close and it's clear we're not close. We don't play good football. We don't even play sound football."

Nice and to the point. That's all the quote you need. Aww.... shucks. I'll give you the rest:

"We were supposed to be playing football right? Coach Cable had us working on our swing at the driving range all week. I'm not sure if we were even in the right place for our game today. Pebble Beach, Qualcomm Stadium--it's all the same to me. What I do know is that whatever sport we were playing out there tonight, it certainly wasn't the right one."
_______________________________________________________________________

The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week*

*Decided to start this up this week (late I know). As the title says, it'll be a random aside about football or something of which football reminds me.

So, the number one draft pick is a pretty valuable commodity, right? How about instead of just giving it to the team with the worst record, they have a playoff for it. You take the worst teams--Bengals, Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Raiders, Seahawks--and have yourself a BCS-style ranking system. Lions would obviously be number 1 and the Bengals would be 2. Then you take the next two worst teams and have 3 play the Bengals and 4 play the Lions--higher ranking gets homefield advantage. While everyone else is watching the actual playoffs, these playoffs--I propose calling it the Matt Millen Bowl and the trophy would be a bronzed statuette of this face--can be shown on the NFL Network. Winner of the Matt Millen Bowl receives number one overall. The loser receives number 2 overall. Then there is a consolation round for 3 and 4. Though the games would be boring as shit, the concept of this, I think, would be highly entertaining. It would also provide excessive embarrassment for the teams and their fans, possibly giving them extra incentive to absolve themselves of their shittiness.
_______________________________________________________________________

New Orleans @ Chicago

I was checking out NFL.com last Thursday evening and their homepage said they had live online coverage of the Thursday night game. My first thought was: "Holy hell, they actually let people watch the NFL Network now?" So I investigated. Turns out the coverage is not the actual game, which I, and probably most other football fans, were curious to see. Instead they had "coverage" of Marshall Faulk discussing the game while it happened. What's that you say, Marshall? LaDainaIaianiNinian Tomlinson scored a touchdown? May I, perhaps, see it? No? I have to listen to you describe it vividly and make it happen in my head TV? This is more torturous than watching a gamecast. Then NFL.com has the gall to have a sideline cam from the game. You must watch some anonymous sideline reporter discuss worthless crap while the game goes on behind him. You have to try and peer around the reporter (thank God FOX got Tony Siragusa) and watch San Diego's goal line stand, while the reporter talks about how Paul McQuistan stubbed his mullet. Damn you, NFL Newtwork.

Winner: I got a hunch on Chicago

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

How is Jeff Garcia still a relatively succesful NFL quarterback? He's approaching AARP mmbership age. He makes Danny Devito look like this guy. Plus, it's almost Christmas time. Shouldn't Santa have recalled all of his elves to the North Pole by now? Toys need to be made.

Winner: Atlanta

Washington @ Cincinnati

What if Jim Zorn and Clinton Portis got in a fight? Who would win? My money would be on Zorn. He would prance around Portis like the little monkey he is until Portis got tired and strained his 30th muscle of the season. By the way, Clinton Portis is the man, but complaining about not being involved in the offense? He has the fourth most rushing attempts in football. He is their offense.

Winner: Washington

Tennessee @ Houston

As it turns out, the Texans actually have a good offense when Sage Rosenfels isn't helicopter fumbling his way down the field. Their defense has some talented players too--Demeco Ryans, Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye if he could play to his talent. Maybe someday they could actually be good... Just not this day, or year.

Winner: Tennessee

Green Bay @ Jacksonville

So Matt Jones gets suspended for a few games for doing cocaine in a car. Pacman Jones almost gets suspended for his career because he was rough-housing with his bodyguard and broke a mirror--nice. Add to that, Fred Taylor was apparently doing some extreme thumbwrestling, and the Jaguars are dropping like flies--I mean dropping like David Garrard passes.

Winner: Green Bay

San Fransisco @ Miami

Who the hell is Shaun Hill and why is de doing so well? His career passer rating is 97.3. See you later, Alex Smith. Have fun in your textile factory, sewing with those little hands of yours.

Winner: Miami

Seattle @ St. Louis

This Sunday... One team was 2-11... At the botton of the barrell... Until they met... Another 2-11 team... In the most realistic, handicam-shakingly briliant horror masterwork of verisimiltude since Cloverfield... Comes this horrible game... Showing on a TV near you.

Winner: I guess Seattle. At this point it really doesn't matter for either team.

Buffalo @ Football Jets

Brett Farve hasn't been playing grittily enough the past few weeks. He's been trying to game manage instead of gunsling. If I were Eric Mangini, I would force the Jets to practice in a foggy, damp grove wearing Wrangler jeans. That's the only way to get your winning mentality back.

Winner: Football Jets

Part 2: Tomorrow

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 14 Part 2

...And the rest...

Miami @ Buffalo

A few years back, there was a push, as there is now, to move an NFL team to Canada, but the Prime Minister (or some other high government official (can't remember)) had to axe the whole plan. The reasons? It would undermine Canadian culture and take away from the legitimacy of the CFL. Okay, first of all, Canadian "culture" is basically American culture except they are adamant about being different from Americans, for reasons only Canadians seem to believe are actual reasons. Second of all, the CFL being legitimate? Akili Smith played in the CFL. AKILI SMITH. There are a ton of people in Toronto and that would mean a ton of revenue for both the NFL and for the city of Toronto. Nobody cares about Buffalo ever since coal mining went out of fashion, despite Barack's attempts to revive it. It's time to get the Bills to a city that doesn't consist of 20 coal miners who worship Jim Kelly and talk about how they would kick the shit out of Scott Norwood if they ever saw him.

Winner: I like Buffalo here for some reason

Football Jets @ San Fransisco

His lord and savior Brett Favre, who is apparently infallible, went 23/43 for 247 yards with no TDs and an INT against the Broncos "defense." I think we are going to have to change the NFL rules so that that is a good line. Maybe the object of the game is to throw incomplete passes and throw interceptions??? Rex Grossman would be All-Pro. I find the Jets' quarterback transition very intriguing. They went from Chad Pennington who completes a shit load of passes and never gets intercepted, but he usually only gets a 6 to 8 inch gain. Brett the Gunslinger, meanwhile, heaves the ball wildly into triple coverage eighty yards downfield on first down, even if his receivers are all running short routes. Luckily for the Jets, Favre's picks are offset by his rugged good looks and ability to inpsire Thomas Jones to run for touchdowns 5 times a game.

Winner: Football Jets

New England @ Seattle

Where's your Matt Cassell now, media? Oh, he was so much better than Tom Brady. It was just that Steelers defense. His still the dreamiest QB on the Pats payroll. Anytime anybody on the Patriots does well, everyone starts talking about how great their coaching is and how everyone plays for the team. I DON'T CARE. GET OVER IT. Knowing the defense's play calls could make Andrew Walter a Pro Bowler. Also, they play for the team because if they don't, Bill Belichick will rip their heart out of their chest with his bare hand. Belichick could threaten Ryan Leaf into playing for the team.

Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Denver

The Chiefs have won two games this year. Against whom? The Raiders, duh. They also wonned the, for all intents and purposes, playoff-bound Broncos. Somehow, Mike Shanahan's face didn't explode that fateful day. If the Broncos lose again, Shanny's face will explode. He'll look like the aliens from John Carpenter's They Live, except "Rowdy" Roddy Piper won't need special sunglasses to see his disfigured visage. Both teams better bring their snowboots because it's gonna be a cold one. With snow everywhere and temperatures somewhere near that of Pluto's surface, expect a lot of running. It may be so cold that Larry Johnson will be too distracted to assault one of the cheerleaders.

Winner: Broncos

St. Louis @ Arizona

If the Rams keep playing this crappy, how is Chris Long going to get a movie deal like his daddy? I'm sure he simply views acting as a stepping stone to his film career, just like Jason Taylor. So his dad saved people from a forest fire. Chris could save the city of St. Louis from the Rams, metaphorically of course. Perhaps a deadly science experiment could cause rapid procreation in rams, as well as a thirst for human blood. Since there are so many rams in Missouri, it would be a horror/disaster movie of epic proportions. This summer... from the writers and producers of Congo, Outbreak and Terms of Endearment... when a science experiment goes horribly wrong... (violin crescendos and heavy bass drums abound) they got a thirst for human blood... (sudden shot of a ram snorting with bright red eyes) the citizenry of St. Louis was confused and without leadership... one man... had to overcome his fear of horned animals... and lead an entire city to safety... starring Chris Long... and multiple Grammy-winner Celine Dion... Deadly Horns: the Hero Within... based on a true story...

Winner: Arizona

Dallas @ Pittsburgh

In light of the recent mildy offesive sexual colloquialism being uttered publicly, I think Carrie Underwood should get in on the act. Jessica Simpson took her "sloppy seconds" in Tony Romo. The problem is, "sloppy seconds" doesn't really apply to a man. Maybe Jessica took her "recycled rod" or her "used unit." She could even go with something like "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the music industry for girls to fall in love with my 'herpes handler' I don't know what that's about. But enjoy my new single."

Winner: Dallas

Washington @ Baltimore

So, unbeknownst to me, Mark Clayton is still alive. The first round pick, who was an okay receiver this one time back in 2006, scored more fantasy points than any other receiver last week. I guess with the Ravens' sub-standard quarterbacking in recent years, I forgot that the Ravens actually had receivers, or an offense. Quietly, Joe Flacco and his unibrow of death (there's a movie idea for you, Hollywood), has a 108.3 passer rating over the last two weeks. Well, maybe facing the Bengals shouldn't count. Still, Flacco is certainly not losing games for the Ravens. What in the name of Harry Dean Stanton is going on here? Matt Ryan and Flacco playing well. I confuse.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Well, Jon Gruden has been wining and dining Jeff Garcia now for seven straight weeks. Aren't they basically dating now? I mean, their relationship must be hard, what with Gruden sleeping at the office and never going to Garcia's for a cuddle or two. Still, they work together so they get to see plenty of each other. Garcia must be a demon in the sack, for a manly man like Gruden to keep him around. With Garcia at 38, they should considered getting married and adopting a kid before they get too old. (Jeff Garcia's real wife, Carmella Decesare is TWELVE years younger than he is. And she has to look at the ginger naked. That poor woman)

Winner: Carolina has one of their good weeks

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 98-63

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 14 Part 1

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

The New York Post on Plaxico Burress' attempted goldbrickings on the night of his "shooting:"

"Getting special treatment at New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant."

Good work, Plaxico, on coming up with a better, or at least more realistic, name than Ron Mexico. Now, about the Applebees part... I'm sure many upstanding citizens have been shot at Applebees. I tried to get the 2 for 20$ deal with Nachos Nuevos as my appetizer, but the waitress said I could only get Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Crunchy Onion Rings, Boneless Buffalo Wings, or Mozzarella Sticks. She then shot me in the foot and I was forced to give her a 5% tip. But, I digress. My point is: What about the 100-200 people in the world who haven't been shot in Applebees? Plaxico, you are in the city of New York, no less. Millions of people are shot there a day. I think as sooon as you walk off the plane at LaGuardia they have some smiling, congenial woman shoot you. It's like the leis in Hawaii--it lets you experience part of the city's culture right off the plane. So why, of all places, did you choose Applebees, Plaxico? You could have been mugged... You could have been... I don't know, anything but getting shot at Applebees. You could have at least gone with Olive Garden and its dangerous mob ties.
__________________________________________________________________

Oakland @ San Diego

For all of you who are worried about the economy, I have some good news. Norv Turner has a seven figure salary. What I'm saying is: you don't have to be intelligent or qualified to get a high-paying job in America. I guess all you have to do is have heavy acne-scarring and frequently use your hand to fix your pretty mop-top. Want to see an impression of me whenever I see Philip "I know it's nighttime but the sun is still in my eyes, bro" Rivers? Norv Turner--the next Frank Caliendo.

Winner: Oakland--that's right

Jacksonville @ Chicago

Last week, the Bears got straight Frerotted, while Jaguars got Rosenfelled. Thems is tough pills to swallow. These are supposed to be great defenses. I know the Bears have been without cornerbacks for most of the year and the Jaguars thought it was a funny joke on the city of Jacksonville to get rid of Marcus Stroud. Still, shouldn't they be at least functional? If the Bears lose this one, Obama's firts presidential action might be decreeing the Bears terrorists against the city of Chicago.

Winner: Chicago

Minnesota @ Detroit

The Lions finally won their first game against the Vikings in 2001, to go to an admirable 1-12. Can they repeat? Uhhh... no. The Lions are in complete dissaray. They are at the point in the game where Malter Matthau told the biker kid to catch all of the balls hit in the outfield, causing resentment from his players. The Lions need Brad Childress to beat his son in front of everyone. Seriously, a Brad Childress child-beating is about all that can inspire the Lions at this point.

Winner: Minnesota

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

That was a courageous effort against the Browns last week. The only way a touchdown would happen in that game was on a fumble recovery? 10-6? That's like a Notre Dame-Tennessee game except no funny fat people with miltary haircuts and belts 20 sizes too small or strange Kiffin family love fests.

Winner: Indianapolis

Philadelphia @ Football Giants

I bet Tom Coughlin was just red-faced about Plaxico's alleged Applebees shooting. As we all know from last year's playoffs, when those cheeks glow crimson, you look out because Coughlin is hitting the gas of his coaching engine. Also, why couldn't Plaxico's shot have missed his leg and het Jeremy Shockey instead? Yes, a bullet carrying from New York to New Orleans is implausible, but don't tell me you wouldn't want that. If that happened, I'd probably be at church on Sundays innstead of watching football.

Winner: Football Giants

Cleveland @ Tennesee

Oh, so the Titans are good again are they? Remember the 10-0 Titans? Denzel Washington was there. Just because they lost to the Jets doesn't make them bad. Then again, beating the Lions doesn't make you good. Still, when you have singer-songwriter Kerry Collins inspiring his team in the huddle with a fourth quarter country song, you're hard to beat. Also, who the fuck is Ken Dorsey? Too bad for Romeo Crennel.

Winner: Tennessee

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Matt Ryan for MVP! Matt Ryan for MVP! Okay, I get it. He's having a Marino-like rookie year. Still, there are about 20 better candidates. Plus, Michael Turner does most of the work for him anyway. Drew Brees, possibly the best MVP candidate, doesn't get as much love as Ryan. Brees could run a pass-only offense as be succesful, possibly moreso. At some point, the MVP award should be about the most valuable player, not the chic or "sexy" pick, as Howie Long calls it. Talk about sexy! Have you sen Firestorm? Howie Long is the male version of Julliette Lewis.

Winner: New Orleans

Houston @ Green Bay

Oh, poor Ahman Green. Why couldn't he have gotten his season-ending injury at Lambeau? It would have been a fitting return. Packers fans could recount the thousands of times Green limped or was carted off that hallowed field.

Winner: Green Bay

Tomorrow... the rest.

Mel Gibson and the Denver Broncos: Road Warriors

Decked out in protective equipment and leading his band of warriors into an alien environment, the leader of our pack faced down a formidable foe and vanquished him into the good night.

No, I'm not talking about Mad Max or even the real life Mel Gibson. I'm talking about Broncos' quarterback Jay Cutler, captaining his band of merry men into the Meadowlands of New York and returning home with an impressive victory and a stranglehold on the AFC West Division title.

Nobody picked the Broncos to have a chance in this game. To hear the talking heads at ESPN tell it, the Broncos would have been better off taking in the beautiful snow here in Denver this weekend rather than facing the first place New York Jets.

But that, as they say, is why they play the game.

In the same way that the Oakland Raiders shocked the Broncos Country faithful with their 31-10 shellacking of Denver last Sunday at Invesco, the Broncos returned the favor to the Jets in a windswept day in front of their hostile home crowd.

All the talk leading up to this contest was the matchup of quarterback gunslingers: the old maid Brett Favre and the young rapscallion Jay Cutler.

Showing no ill effects from the rainy conditions, Cutler upstaged his aging counterpart by throwing for 357 yards and two touchdowns while Favre could only muster 247 yards through the air while amassing zero touchdowns and one interception.

The much maligned Broncos defense forced the balanced Jets' attack into three turnovers on downs, the aforementioned interception, and three fumbles, one of which Broncos safety Vernon Fox returned 45 yards for a first quarter touchdown.

The real story of this game, and of the 2008 season, has been the Broncos' utter ineptitude at home and their collective poise and performance on the road.

The Broncos now stand at 4-2 on the road coming off comeback wins against Cleveland and Atlanta and this commanding victory against the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.

Road warriors, perhaps, but New York fans should be very familiar with inconsistent teams who get hot at the right time due to their ability to perform at a high level in front of belligerent opposing fans.

The 2007 New York Giants were muddling around in mediocrity for much of their Super Bowl season. After ripping off six straight wins, they lost two of three to drop their record to 7-4.

Then, after notching three straight road wins and snatching a Wild Card spot with a 10-6 record, the Giants went on the road for three playoff wins against the Buccaneers, Cowboys, and Packers before knocking off the perfect Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Now, this is not a Super Bowl guarantee for the Broncos, far from it, but teams that find ways to beat good teams on the road are able to gain the confidence needed to continue their streak of solid play into January.

With a three-game lead on the San Diego Chargers with four games left in 2008, the Broncos seem headed to the playoffs for the first time since 2005.

The four remaining games include two home bouts with the 2-10 Chiefs and the free-falling Bills and two roadies against 9-3 Carolina and the hated rival Chargers to end the season.

Though it would take a mini-miracle for the Broncos to not make the playoffs, there is no time to get cocky, not with the way these Broncos have built us up one week only to break us down the next.

If they take care of Kansas City at home next week, like they should, they could make the end of the season drama with San Diego a moot point.

But the last two weeks have proven that on any given Sunday, anything can happen