Philadelphia: Not Only the Proud Home of Will Smith Anymore

-Congratulations to the Philadelphia Phillies.......I guess. I'm sure being World Champions is pretty cool, if you're into that sort of thing. Now at least the city of Philly has something else to be proud of except for the show It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and Will Smith's entire career. What's the over/under on when Philly fans start booing their World Champions again? After a loss on Opening Day?

-I think more pieces of journalism have been written on the flaws of this World Series, from the abysmal umpiring to the handling of the rain and cold, than people that actually watched the Series on TV. Everybody has their opinion on what should be done to prevent another catastrophe like was encountered in Game 5, but none better than everybody's favorite phrase-turner, the Prince of Puns, the Denver Post's Woodrow Paige.

Not only did Woodrow begin his column by comparing himself to Galileo, Alexander Graham Bell, and the Wright Brothers among others (for their persecution by their peers for introducing radical ideas into society), but he believes he's worthy to be mentioned in the same breath with these pioneers because.....wait for it....he thinks the World Series should be held in Hawaii every year.

Galileo? Discovered the earth was round. Mr. Bell? Invented the telephone. The Wright Brothers? Invented the airplane. Woody Paige? Thinks the World Series should be a week-long vacation so he won't have to sit in the cold of the press box for seven days out of his year. All I have to say is.....really?

-Rockies catching prospect Mike McKenry has been tearing up the Arizona Fall League like he was the second coming of Joey Belle. He's hitting .435 with 5 home runs, and 12 rbis in just eleven games with the Phoenix Desert Dogs including a three homer, seven rbi game in Monday's 16-7 trouncing of the Surprise Rafters.

McKenry knocked 18 home runs with 75 rbis last year with the Single A Modesto Nuts. Though Chris Iannetta has taken a strangle hold on the catching position of the once and future Colorado Rockies, it's never a bad idea to have a solid backup plan in the next couple seasons.

-This is a bit off the topic of baseball, but has there ever been a better headline than this dandy from espn.com today?

Cops: Golfer Daly drunk, detained outside Hooters

At least we know, that after all these years, John Daly still manages to keep it real.

Cutler Mistakes Bye Week for Spring Break, Runs the Table

I woke up this morning to find this article on the front page of Deadspin and just had to post the link. Thank Elway we now know how Cutler spent his bye week.

http://deadspin.com/5070210/cutlers-beirut-arm-is-stronger-than-elways

Reviewing the playbook? Naw. He's just getting that competitive fire back to take on Miami on Sunday!

Masterson's Musings: The Musings that Time (I) Forgot

* I know a grand majority of you bloggers and readers of bloggers take time out of your daily lives to become slaves to the phenomenon known as fantasy football. I am one of those drones. In the three years I've played, this is the first season "I" am really starting to dominate.

A lot of the credit goes to who I believe is the greatest fantasy player in all of football: Tennessee Titans running back Lendale White. This pudgy performer won't slap you with out-of-this-world stats considering he averages 12 carries and 30 yards per game (if you take out his aberration in Week 7 where he somehow racked up 149 yards on 17 carries.) However, White leads the NFL with ten touchdowns in the Titans' seven games and has only been held off the scoreboard in one game thus far.

Oh, and he's from Denver too. 303 represent!

* The return of the Manning Face! It was last seen in the Colts' playoff loss to the Chargers last January, but in the Titans 31-21 lashing of the Colts, Manning was seen on the sideline pursing his lips together with a sorrowful look pasted on his grill. I don't know about you guys, but I missed seeing it.

With Elisha (that's his real name. Look it up) Manning in charge of one of the best teams in football somehow and Peyton seemingly always winning football games until this season, it had sadly escaped us for a while. Let's hope it peeks its head out a few more times in the season's final nine weeks.

* I saw this ad on Craig's List today and thought it to be a bit suspicious:

FOR SALE!!!!!!!!!

All-Star left fielder: hits for average, power, and in clutch situations. Has taken steps to improve defense and is adored by fans and opposing players alike. Occasionally asks to borrow money, but just hold your ground and he'll keep quiet. Answers to Big Daddy.

3rd Baseman with Fankles: Career .298 hitter, normally hits over 20 homers with 100 rbis in a season. Hits in the clutch (this season notwithstanding) and occasionally dives for balls hit to his left. Can play two positions (kinda), and won't rock the boat.

For information call Dealin' Dan or my brother Dealin' Doug.

I dunno.....I just thought it was weird.

Luis Vizcaino Parties Harder Than You

Well it appears that Rockies relief "pitcher" Luis Vizcaino is responding well to the abysmal season he just spent in purple pinstripes. Since he's now living in the Tampa/St. Petersburg area down there in Florida, maybe he was simply celebrating his hometown team's first ever appearance in the World Series.

Or maybe he was simply trying to show Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa that he would fit in well under his tutelage in St. Louis next season. This could definitely explain why Vizcaino pitched so poorly for the Rockies. Did he pull off his best Maurice Clarett impression by "getting his Goose on" before taking the hill?

Regardless, I can't wait to see what Vizcaino does for a sequel.

Masterson's Musings: Bye Week Edition

• Just between you and me, I thought the Broncos looked great today. They didn't commit costly penalties at inopportune times, Cutler didn't throw into triple coverage just to make sure Brandon Marshall was running his routes correctly, nobody strained their groin, and Shanahan's schemes showed no weaknesses whatsoever. What's that? The Broncos were on their bye week and didn't play today? Hmm. That must be why my bottles of Jameson and antacid are still full.
• The Chargers seem fully intent on gift-wrapping the AFC West for the Broncos this year. It's a super-nice gesture for a team that's used us mostly as a moist towelette the past few seasons. Today against the Saints in jolly ol' England, the Chargers D looked almost as pitiful as the Broncos' as Drew Brees sliced his way through what was supposed to be one of the top defenses in the game to the tune of 339 yards passing and 3 touchdowns. With the Broncos division lead now at a game and a half, the Chargers don't seem too motivated to knock the Broncos from their precarious first place perch.
  
• The Phillies-Rays World Series (insert FOX executive suicide joke here) has been a decent show thus far. It's been slightly better than CSI: Cherry Creek, but not as exciting as Law and Order: Mall Security Unit. I really thought the Rays would take this series in 6 because of their strong starting pitching and the question marks in the Phillies rotation after one, Cole Hamels. It's not like the Phillies have set the world on fire by any means, but they still find themselves one win away from the World Championship. Philly fans, prepare your cheesesteaks because this team will finally give you a reason not to boo for the first time since that whole Constitution thing was signed.
  
• A recent poll in the Denver Post petitioned fans to pick which current injured Bronco will be missed the most as they work their way back to the playing field. Not surprisingly, Champ was an overwhelming choice for number one with 86% of the vote. What tickled me most was that our backup quarterback Patrick Ramsey brought home a rousing 1.1% of the fan vote as the player the team will miss most. That's funny. I didn't realize that Ramsey had so many close personal relatives in the Denver area.
• I'm sure that when Adrien Brody and Matthew McConaughey retire from acting and look back on their illustrious, award-winning careers, when asked about the movie they're most proud of, I wouldn't be surprised if they both replied Angels in the Outfield.
  

Riddle Me This, Mr. O'Dowd...

With the Rockies off-season unfortunately already upon us, it's time to look at some of the biggest questions facing the former National League Champions heading into the cold, Colorado winter.

1) Will Dan be dealin or will Dan be dormant?

The Rockies felt more than comfortable to rest on the laurels of their World Series appearance in 2007 and didn't make a major splash in the free agent market in the following off-season. That is, unless you're a close personal friend or relative of Mark Redman or Kip Wells.

Believing the team that took his franchise to the World Series would be good enough to compete in 2008 backfired, and already it appears as if O'Dowd is going to be much more aggressive come winter. Slugging Marlins second baseman Dan Uggla's name has already been thrown around as a person of interest for the Rockies. The Red Sox have shown interest in both Garrett Atkins and Matt Holliday, and the Mets are believed to be the front runners for T Rex Fuentes.

Whether or not O'Dowd can pull the trigger on a deal remains to be seen, but we know the main target for Dealin Dan this off-season is going to be young, talented starting pitchers (Justin Masterson, anyone?)

2) Will the players respond to a slew of new coaches?

I may be wrong here, but I think that every single coach on the Rockies big club last year has either been fired or given a stern talking-to by upper management. In fact, I think the only one who escaped unscathed was that kid in the bullpen who runs the jackets of the pitchers into the dugout and sprints back out to his position.

One of the most notable firings was that of strength and conditioning coach Brad Andress. Adored by most of the Rockies players and regarded throughout the league as the guru of the weight room, his firing came as an unwelcome shock to the clubhouse.

It probably wasn't easy to see guys like third base coach Mike Gallego, bullpen coach Rick Matthews (who has been with the organization since its inception in 1993), bench coach Jamie Quirk, and hitting coach Alan Cockrell join the rest of America in the unemployment line either. Will these guys welcome the new guys Hurdle brings in or will there be a bit of lingering resentment regarding the way these firings were handled by the organization?

That was just a tiny taste of the 31 Flavors of questions we have going into 2009. I'd handle more at the moment, but duty calls, and I must report for work. Until next time, Rockies fans...

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 8

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

This one isn't from a football player and it doesn't have to be taken out of context. It's simply yours and my favorite turner of phrase, Woodrow Paige.

On his methods of analysis and insight:
"I don't make up, pick or see the questions until I answer them, and I just answer them truthfully and without looking up stuff."

Nice, Woody. "Looking up stuff" is for amateurs. It's better to spout off some half-drunk attempt at being edgy based on your hunches. I like how he shows pride in the fact that he doesn't look things up. Also, "without looking up stuff" immediately follows "answer them truthfully." Those fragmented, maniacal ideas in that brain of his are much more "truthful" than like facts and statistics and bullshit like that. Oh, Woodrow, you never cease to amaze.

_______________________________________________________________________

Oakland @ Baltimore

Rookie Joe Flacco has upped his stellar performance this year by throwing his SECOND TOUCHDOWN! In only SIX games! Not only is Delaware the least boring state in the entire country, its state "university" produces unibrowed gunslingers the likes of which have never been seen. "It wasn't me it was Ray Lewis! Look it's a football, not a knife."

Winner: Baltimore

Arizona @ Carolina

What's the deal with these crazy Panthers? One week they look like the greatest team to ever saunter a football field, then the next, they look like the Buccaneers for the first 20 years of their existence. They get destroyed by Tampa Bay, an average team, and then trounce the Saints, and above average team. It makes about as much sense as hiring Norv Turner.

Winner: This week i think they'll decide to suck. So... Arizona

Tampa Bay @ Dallas

Hahahahahahahaha THE RAMS! Hahahahaha 35-14! Hahahahahahaha. Priceless.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Washington @ Detroit

Oh, Lions, what will you do next? Dan "Oh, shit, I forgot I was in the endzone" Orlovsky is basically a one man wrecking crew--and he doesn't wreck opposing defenses. Why not Drew Stanton? He was supposed to be good in college. If only God had listened to Jon Kitna's hourly, nay secondly, prayers, he would be throwing five interceptions a game and losing, like the star he is.

Winner: Washington

Buffalo @ Miami

That tricky single wing didn't ruse the Ravens. With Buffalo coming off a convincing win against the "talented" Chargers, and Trent Edwards looking more and more like an upper echelon QB, this may be tough for Chad "The Rifle" Pennington, Ricky "I swear it's a cigarette, it just smells funny" Williams, and the Miami offense.

Winner: Buffalo

Saint Louis @ New England

Leave it to the Broncos to make Sammy Morris look good. That is quite an accomplishment for the Broncos D. Now they will face some "real" competition in the Rams. Haslett for coach of the year! After a couple games! Haslett should wear a hobo hoodie just to spite Darth Vader on the other sideline.

Winner: Saint Louis. Why not?

San Diego @ New Orleans

This game is going to smash smashmouth football in the mouth. I predict three runs and 135 passes. This game will last six hours. There will be at least 80 points scored. There will be at last 1000 passing yards. There will be at least two defensive coordinators in tears at the end.

Winner: New Orleans

Kansas City @ Football Jets

I'm only 22 years old and I can't say I've been, for the entirety of my life, the borderline insane football fanatic that I am now. So, I haven't watched a great deal of football compared to some. But... I think that Tyler Thigpen might possibly be the worst quarterback to ever play a National Football League game. I also think that Brett Favre might have created the worst turnaround in fan sentiment in sports history. He has gone from being respected by nearly all (some more than others) to being a giant dickhead.

Winner: Football Jets

Atlanta @ Philadelphia

Two teams coming off a bye. Andy Reid is notorious for annihilating teams post-bye week. He is also notorious for mustaches, drug addicted gun wielding sons, choosing football over fixing his fucked up family life, and having a few too many donuts over the years.

Winner: Philadelphia

Cleveland @ Jacksonville

Braylon Edwards, what cruel game are you playing on my fantasy team? One week he scores 20 points and then the next he drops 75 passes. I should have drafted your BFF Michael Phelps. A gold medal has got to be worth some points right? Besides, Phelps is probably better at catching footballs than Braylon, because, well, everyone in the world is.

Winner: Jacksonville

Cincinnati @ Houston

Ladies and gentlemen, I present your starting running back... Cedric "The party's in my boat" Benson. I don't think the Bengals pick their players based on their football skills anymore. I think they just look at their arrest record. This year alone they have picked up at least 5 felonies and misdemeanors in Benson and Chris Henry alone. That's two Pro Bowlers by Bengals standards.

Winner: Houston

Football Giants @ Pittsburgh

Holy moly, a real game! It's rush vs. rush here as both can run the ball very well and stop the run very. It certainly won't be a "pansy" game, Mr. Polamalu. I really wish I could have heard him say that. For seriously, have you heard that guys voice. I know he hits hard, but he sure as shucks has a "pansy" voice.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Seattle @ San Fransisco

Dear Broncos, Mike Nolan is available. Maybe he's not a great head coach, but he's a great defensive coordinator and one hell of a snappy dresser. If you like your hybrid defense so much, he could probably give you some decent 3-4 schemes. Anyways... this game. God, the NFC West is horrible. Roger Goodell should just get rid of it and pretend he can't hear it when it complains.

Winner: San Fransisco

Indianapolis @ Tennessee

Attention: The TITANS are undefeated with KERRY COLLINS at quarterback. (I'm turning into the Tony Kornheiser of the blogging world) Okay, I'll stop overemphasizing stuff and give you some real analysis. Albert "The Head Stomper" Haynesworth is out of his frickin' mind. Sure Vanden Bosch and Finnegan are good, but this guy pretty much makes this defense. I don't know how much longer DT can continue as underrated as it is with this guy making most offensive lines look offensive.

Winner: Tennessee

Last Week: 8-6
Overall Record: 45-46

Cutler Chasing Consistency

Jay Cutler came into the 2008 season destined for stardom. Blessed with a Howitzer for an arm and the short term memory of a Labrador puppy, Jay seemed to have all the tools needed to crash the party of the league's upper-echelon of quarterbacks.

When the season officially started the compliments and comparisons to a certain Denver Duke kept coming as Cutler led the surprising Broncos to a 3-0 start and boasted the highest scoring offense in the NFL. In the season's first month, Cutler completed 102-157 passes (64.9 completion %) for 1,275 yards notching nine TDs to four INTs in being named the AFC Offensive Player of the Month. The Broncos owned a 3-1 record and were top dogs in the AFC West.

Fast forward to today. The Broncos are still on top of the AFC West, but at 4-3 and coming off one of the worst performances in Broncos recent history, a 41-7 drubbing at the hands of the Patriots on Monday Night Football, there is definitely some unrest in Broncos Country.

Though Cutler cannot singularly be faulted for the recent missteps (the defense harbors the most culpability by far) his play, and his mouth, in recent weeks have opened Cutler up for criticism at the hands of the national media and his own fans here in Denver. The Broncos have gone 1-2 in October due in part because their explosive offense has suddenly sputtered.

In the last three games, Cutler has gone 61-97 for 587 yards with four touchdowns compared to three interceptions. He has also lost a fumble. One has to ask: why the about-face?

Cutler and the Broncos offense have been bitten by the injury elephant with starters Eddie Royal, Brandon Stokely, Tony Scheffler, and Selvin Young all missing time on the infirmary list. That's not even mentioning number 1 receiver Brandon Marshall's suspension for the first game of the season.

While the offense hasn't been playing with a full deck for much of the team's recent downturn, Cutler will be the last Bronco player to use that as an excuse. When he speaks to the media, he speaks bluntly and with an implicit confidence that borders on arrogance. Though those tools are indispensable for a successful quarterback in the NFL, his comments have gotten him in some hot water in recent weeks.

In a recent Sporting News article, Cutler made a comment that he had a stronger arm than Broncos legend John Elway and refused to back down from the statement even when national media prognosticators more or less told him to keep his mouth shut and back up his statements with his play on the field.

He has also fueled the fire in an ongoing feud with Chargers quarterback Philip Rivers. Rivers was seen jawing at Cutler during the Broncos-Chargers Monday night game last Christmas Eve and Cutler has responded by going public with comments that he doesn't like the way Rivers carries himself on the field.

After the bye week, Cutler will have to try and rejuvenate this offense that has become more of a Jekyll and Hyde act than a run and gun. The Broncos are still in the driver's seat in the AFC West, but they have shown the last few weeks that maybe these players are not quite ready for prime time.

The Diamonds in a Season of Cubic Zirconias

Though the Colorado Rockies 2008 season wasn't exactly full of feel-good Dennis Quaid-like moments, you might be shocked to hear that the year wasn't all bad. There were epic affairs, back and forth contests, and prime-time performances that temporarily kept the Rockies die-hards from peeking at the team's place in the standings. Here, my friends, are the top five Rockies games from the past season.

1) April 17 vs Padres, Won 2-1 in 22 innings
In the longest game in Major League history since 1993, the Rockies were able to outlast the Padres in a sloppy contest typified by missed opportunities, strikeouts, and a few 7th inning stretches. Here are just a few of the oddball stats to come out of this Citizen Kane of a baseball game:

-The game took 6 hours and 16 minutes to be played, ending about 4:30 in the morning eastern time, which is where I was watching the game out at Kenyon College in Ohio. Screaming obscenities at my computer while watching the game, I repeatedly woke up both my girlfriend and roommate. Needless to say, I slept on the couch the next night.
-The Rockies struck out a franchise-single-game-high 20 times, leading Willy Taveras to try and match that number single-handedly in every game that followed during the season. His apparent rationale: We struck out 20 times and won; why can't it happen more often?
-Taveras also had 10 at bats, another Rockies single-game record. If I had my way, he wouldn't have gotten 10 more at bats the rest of the season.
-Kip Wells got his only win of the season.
-Tulo ran his early season slump to 1-26 before singling in the 20th and then doubling home the winning run in the 22nd. The 2-8 day actually raised his average to .167.
-It was the only game in baseball this season with a 21st inning stretch.

2) May 23 vs Mets, 6-5 win, 13 innings
This game was all Matt Holliday's. Though he only finished the day 2-7, his two hits were the key knocks that led the Rox to this extra-inning victory. Trailing 5-4 in the 9th, the Mets brought in their flame-throwing lefty Billy Wagner to close out the game. Unfortunately for Billy, it wasn't meant to be and for Mets fans, it was a sneak peek at how your ballclub would once again perform a September unraveling. With one out, Big Daddy launched a fastball into the centerfield bleachers, tying the game. Then, in the 13th with two outs and the speedy Johnny Herrera on 2nd, Matt lasered an Aaron Heilman two-seamer into right field to send the Rockies to their first walk-off victory of the year.

3) July 3 vs. Marlins, 6-5 win, 11 innings
This was the first game of back to back fireworks night at Coors Field to celebrate America creeping one year closer to early retirement. The stands were packed with nearly 50,000 fans each night and boy, were they ever treated to some kind of show...and that was even before the skies lit up with the bombs bursting in air. In a back and forth contest that saw both teams hold the lead multiple times before all was said and done, the Rockies had the last at bat and the last laugh as Spilly smacked a bases loaded single with one out in the 11th inning to send the raucous Rockies faithful home happy. But this wasn't all the drama the Rockies would provide on this Fourth of July weekend as the next night would prove to be even more unbelievable.

4) July 4 vs. Marlins, 18-17 win
In this seesaw game that saw the Marlins jump out to a 13-4 lead in the 4th inning, many of the 50,000 red, white, and blue clad Rockies fans were resigned to drink their beer and wait for the fireworks spectacular. The Rockies, however, figured they would play out the last five innings and just see what happened. Fortunately for them, America was on their side and Uncle Sam chose to shoot off his fireworks in a celebratory setting. The comeback began with seven runs for the Rockies in the 5th and 6th innings to cut the lead to 13-12 including a concourse-pounding moonshot from Chris Iannetta. In the 7th, the Marlins seemed to regain control of the game with four runs to pad the lead to 17-12. The Rockies would storm right back in the bottom half the frame when Matt Holliday tattooed a 3-2 fastball from Logan Kensing into the left field bleachers for a grand slam to once again trim down the Marlins lead to one at 17-16. That set the stage for the bottom of the 9th. With the Marlins closer Kevin Gregg on the hill who had absorbed the loss the night before, once again struggled with his control and loaded the bases in a tie ballgame with Chris Iannetta stepping to the plate. With one out and a drawn-in infield, Chris singled through the hole on the left side to score Matt Holliday with the winning run to send the Rockies to their second straight walk-off victory in front of their two biggest crowds of the season. It was the biggest comeback in club history. Fireworks indeed.

5) Aug 24 vs Reds, 4-3 win, 12 innings
This game wasn't one of the best of the year because it was the longest or most exciting. I've already dissected those games already. This extra-inning walk-off win was for the little guy. You know the guy. He comes into work every day, does his business without much fanfare, never complains about contracts or playing time, and is always ready when his number is called. Jamey Carroll fulfilled this role for the Rockies last season and this year, the light-hitting, slick-fielding, utility infielder role was held by Omar Quintanilla. Omar will never set the world on fire with his bat but he can make the routine play as well as the spectacular one in the field. In this game, the Rockies clawed their way back with two runs in the 9th to tie it up. The game went to 11 and Omar, the last man on Clint Hurdle's bench, stepped to the plate facing righty Brad Lincoln. He got a low fastball on the inner half of the plate and the little lefty crushed it over the scoreboard in right for his first career walk-off homer and only the second of his career.

So while this season wasn't all pretty, there were definitely some moments to remember.

The last word on the Broncos bomb

Ok, I told myself I wasn't going to talk about this game anymore because, let's face it, nobody's that masochistic. I just have a few more things I need to get off my chest before I can get closure with one of the worst games in the history of the Broncos franchise.

I don't think I've ever seen a Mike Shanahan-coached team play so poorly and so undisciplined in all the years that I've been fervently following the Broncos. Yeah, there was a bit of bad luck with the injuries to Cutler and the Brothers Bailey, but overall the team had no attitude, no killer instinct, and from the looks of things, no desire to even put up a fight in front of a national audience.

To me, the biggest play of the game happened when the Broncos were already down 13-0. On 3rd and 16 with the Patriots backed up to their own 8 yard line, the Broncos D forced Cassel out of the pocket and into an incomplete pass. 4th down, right? Ha, simple minded fool. The Broncos wouldn't have it! Jamie Winborn took an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty by yanking Cassel's facemask to the ground after he'd already released the ball. If he just stops like a good boy and runs back to the sideline, we're going to get the ball around midfield with the score still respectable. Instead, the penalty gave the Pats a free first down which they used as a catalyst for a touchdown drive, making the score 20-0 at the half. It sucked any defensive momentum you could possibly have had in a 41-7 game, and exemplified the utter ineptitude of the entire contest.

Oh, and what's that line about kicking a guy when he's down? Wait 30 minutes before getting in the pool? No, well, cliched sayings aside Broncos Country discovered today that both Bailey Brothers who left yesterday's game due to injury won't be joining the rest of their Broncos brethren on the playing field anytime soon. Boss injured his knee and will now be doing as much on-field contributing for the rest of the season as everyone here at Frost Brewed Baseball. Champ's groin called for a timeout and he could be shelved for up to a month. That's a good sign, right? Having the best player on the worst defense in football out for a month? Champ's arguably the best cornerback in football and thus far we were still about as successful as Scott Stapp's solo career.

There, I promise I'm done. Moving forward now.

Wow

Just wow. I can't even begin to start to formulate words, much less complete sentences, about the horrifying display of "football" that I witnessed on the part of the Denver Broncos tonight. This was a very telling game for the Broncos coming in. At 4-2 with a porous D, prognosticators across the country had the Broncos pegged as frauds who could just as easily have been 2-4. With a win, the Broncos would sail into their bye week at 5-2 with a 2 game lead on the Chargers. With a loss, the Broncos would be just another 4-3 team who's simply taking advantage of a weak division and will falter by the time the calendar turns to December. Well, it's not even the 4th quarter and I'm writing this now. That should be a telling enough sign as to how this game went. What went wrong? Shit, what went right?

1) A very inauspicious beginning
How about this as a portent of things to come? On the first play of the game Cutler dropped back to pass, followed through and bashed his right index finger on Vince Wolfork's helmet. Immediately after, Cutler was noticeably favoring the finger and his passes weren't as crisp as usual. He never recovered.

2) Andre Hall
Either I was watching the reincarnation of Tatum Bell putting the ball on the ground for the Broncos or Andre Hall had money on the Patriots. How else do you explain getting two carries and fumbling the ball twice? Shortly after the second fumble, as Hall raced to the bench to look for a shovel and an open patch of land, Shanahan's eyes rolled back in his head, he ripped off his clothes, and grew to nearly four times his normal size. Then, alternating between screaming "Beast mode!" and "Shanny angry!" he picked up the diminutive Hall by the throat and reached into the running back's chest to pull out his still beating heart. No word yet on whether charges will be filed on Shanny.

3) Penalties
We made stupid penalties all game, but none more stupider (yes, that was intentionally bad grammar to point out just how stupid the Broncos played) as when we were down 13-0 and had the Patriots pinned against their own end zone on a 3rd and 17. We forced Cassel out of the pocket and made him throw the ball away. Then, inexplicably, Jamie Winborn saw a bug on Matt Cassel's face. He tried to brush it away, but that pesky facemask was getting in the way. So in trying to help Mr. Cassel, he incidentally pulled Cassel's facemask to the ground. While trying to plead his case to the referee, the bug flew away freely as Winborn said a prayer for it.

4) 5 turnovers
Do I really need an explanation for this one? We had four turnovers when we were on the Patriots 40 yard line each time. 'Nuff said.

5) Defense
New England running back Sammy Morris had a career day rushing for 138 yards, a great day for any rusher. I'm not going to mention that he did all that damage in the first half. No, that would be an insult to our defense. No need to focus on the negatives. Over 260 yards rushing on the day given up is insult enough. Matt Cassel might as well have been Tom Brady throwing for 3 touchdowns and a QB rating of over 4,000. That's a real number. With the Patriots averaging 17 points a game coming in, their offense was obviously under fire to play well. Apparently the cure for a sputtering offense is just to play the Broncos. Just ask Kansas City. Where do you go from here? Detroit?

6) Offense
Cutler getting hurt didn't help. Either did Hall's butterfingers. Pittman ran well but he was pretty obsolete once we went down by 500. Cutler couldn't throw the deep ball and was off on his short passes. Penalties killed us all day, but I'll try not to repeat myself. As the game went on, the offense seemed to play excrementally worse. What am I trying to say? It was shitty.

7) Injuries
Jay's aforementioned injury crippled the offense at the beginning, but Champ Bailey's groin stroin or whatever it was handcuffed our already sieve-like defense. Champ was having a phenomenal game, putting the clamps on Randy Moss to the tune of 1 catch for 9 yards. After Champ exited, Moss blew up with two touchdown catches and 60 yards receiving. Also, Boss found a place on his body that he hadn't hurt yet this year and left with a knee injury. I don't know what other maladies affected our team today. Crotch rot? Scurvy? Rickets? Someone has to have rickets.

The Broncos team has some serious 'splainin to do after that abomination of a performance and we as Broncos fans have to decide whether or not our Broncos are destined for another playoff-less season. Too bad we have 13 days to think about it. This isn't the way you want to head into a bye week. Screw it, I'm done. I'm sick of talking about this game. Where's my Coors?

Week 7 Preview: Broncos at Pats

I'm just going to come right out and say it.

I GUARANTEE THE BRONCOS WILL BEAT THE PATRIOTS TONIGHT ON MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL.....

.......if all of these things happen.

That'll get everyone's attention.

1) Matt Cassel does not equal Tom Brady
I realize that is a shocking piece of information for everyone reading this article. Aside from desperately trying to sleep with Gisele and posing for every cologne company that will have him, Matt has also tried to read defenses and throw the ball down the field when lining up under center for the Patriots. Tom Brady is very good at all of those things, Matt Cassel is not. Cassel has had a tendency to hold onto the ball too long, allowing the pocket to collapse around him forcing sacks, interceptions, and hurried throws. It was no more apparent than in last week's 30-10 drubbing at the hands of the Chargers. The Bolts' D never let Cassel get comfortable when he dropped back and Cassel didn't show the ability to make adjustments on the fly. If the Broncos new 3-4-4-3 hybrid defense can get people in the backfield to disrupt Cassel's rhythm, I believe the Pats weapons on offense won't be able to successfully make plays.

2) Take advantage of injuries
While the Broncos have their own laundry list of players with the Questionable tag prior to the game (Scheff, Stoke, Selvin), the Patriots will be without their top two running backs in Lawrence Maroney and Lamont Jordan. Even though Bill Beeeelichick inexplicably hates running backs even when he has a couple of good ones, that takes away a facet of their offense. They'll rely on Kevin Faulk and Sammy Morris to take the bulk of the carries, two guys that shouldn't exactly strike fear in the hearts of the Broncos D. That being said, the Broncos D hasn't earned the right to take anyone, I will emphasize for effect, ANYONE, for granted.

3) Here's a novel idea: Don't fumble.
I know, right? What a concept. Thus far, the Broncos have been All-World in fumbling at the most inopportune times (is there really an opportune time to fumble?) B-Marsh has been the most culpable by fumbling 3 times and recovering only one. His miscue at the 5 yard line last week completely shifted momentum to the side of the Jaguars who then went on to beat the Broncos in bruising fashion. Marshall has apparently been walking around the Broncos complex this week cradling a football like a newborn child in hopes that he will once again become one with the pigskin. Don't worry that an equipment manager knocked the ball out right before Marshall spoke to the press or anything. Pssshhhtt. Details.

Shanahan's mastery of Belichick has been well documented. Both thought of as two of the brightest coaching minds in football, in head to head matchups, Shanny owns a 5-2 record against Beeelichick's Pats including the 2005 Divisional Playoff win. While the Pats have been sweeping through the rest of the NFL in Belichick's tenure (a ridiculous 102-26 record), they've been unable to figure out the Broncos.

My Prediction: Broncos 31, Pats 24

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 7

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Okay, this week I'm going to have to go outside of football because it is just too precious. This doesn't have to be taken out of context at all.

Matt Stairs on his pinch hit home run and, uh, clubhouse camaraderie:
"You get that nice celebration coming into the dugout and you're getting your ass hammered by guys. And there's no better feeling than to have that done."

Wow. Just wow. That is precious. And I swear on the life of Pat Robertson I didn't make that up.

__________________________________________________________________

San Diego @ Buffalo

In case you haven't heard, Marshawn "Beast Mode" Lynch has a blog. For any fans of Shakespeare, Lord Byron, and John Keats, I suggest you go check it out immediately. His style and eloquence are virtual facsimiles for said poets. Here is an honest-to-god verbatim quote:
"i cant find da words to say how happy i am 4 beatin dem bay boys da 1st time i played dem. it was a fun and hella close game... shots out 2 j roc 'jamarcus russell' and d dog 'darren mcfadden'. town biz! lol"
See for yourself. I think my keyboard would collapse before I could put in all the [sic]s. How this guy made it through three years of college should probably be investigated by one of those "witty" crime solvers on NBC or ABC or whatever channel on which those shows are televised.

Winner: onn forff an 1 da bills git daselves a game winnin td. shot outs 2 my mayne boys S 78 Tips "Trent Edwards?" an U R 2 Hella "Dick Jauron"?", BRB!(

New Orleans @ Carolina

Does Drew Brees have a leech on his right cheek at all times, or is it just me? Maybe his family is in some kind of cult that thinks modern medicine is a conspiracy cooked up by the devil. Yes, Drew, that leech will suck the bad six foot tall blood out of you, so that you are left with only 6'4" blood.

Winner: The team of the 6' QB who is on pace to brake the NFL record for passing

Minnesota @ Chicago

Did you see that Bears-Falcons game from last week? Crazy. Kyle Orton must have pounded a lot of alcoholic beverages after that one. Also, I'm glad that everyone forgot that the first 58 minutes of that game were, hyperbole aside, the most boring 58 minutes in the history of existence itself.

Winner: Chicago

Pittsburgh @ Cincinnati

The Bengals are slowly becoming the next Lions. Neither has won a game this year. Both are painfully poor on defense and in player evaluation. Both have no name starting QBs (at least right now) who make Tyler Thigpen look like John Elway. What I'm saying is, don't choose a vicious feline as your mascot--Carolina Panthers beware!

Winner: Pittsburgh

Tennessee @ Kansas City

Though the Chiefs play to win the game, they are not particularly good at it. If I were Tony Gonzalez, I would want to be traded to anyone. Literally, anyone. The Toronto Argonauts? Pretty please with sugar on top. The Frankfurt Galaxy? Bring it. What? The Frankfurt Galaxy no longer exists? I don't care. Anything is better than playing with this embarrassing offense.

Winner: Tennessee

Baltimore @ Miami

The Baltimore defense got put into place by the suddenly revived Colts. A defense lacking in confidence won't help Unibrow Flacco and his cupcake offense. Flacco has thrown 1 TD and 7 INTs. I think that is roughly the same ratio as Ray Lewis' tackles to prayers. Or is it stabbings to tackles. Hey Ravens, why not try the single wing offense? Everybody's doing it.

Winner: Miami

San Fransisco @ Football Giants

Finally! The real Eli Manning is back. I'm glad 90% of football analysts already declared Elisha better than Peyton (Dear Archie and Olivia Manning, those are girls names). Then Eli became his true self and let the BROWNS intercept him three times. If the BROWNS can intercept him three times, the 49ers can probably pick him four times!

Winner: Football Giants

Dallas @ St. Louis

Ohhhhhh, pohhh wittle Tony Womo bwoke his pinkie. Then Brett Favre wrangled him into trying to play. Now, nobody knows if he's going to play Sunday, except Jerry Jones, apparently. So either Brad Johnson or Romo has to distribute passes to Roy Williams, Terrell Owens and Jason Witten, while they maintain some kind of running game with Marion Barber and first-rounder Felix Jones. Screw you, Dallas. You spoiled jerks have to be breaking the salary cap. (Note: Super Bowl Rings: Brad Johnson - 1. Tony Romo - 0.)

Winner: Dallas

Detroit @ Houston

I hope Rod Marinelli has informed Dan Orlovsky that the object is to move the ball forward, not run it backwards out of the endzone for a safety. Maybe that was Matt Millen's last hurrah--the signing of Dan Orlovsky. Millen's thought process: Take that you stupid city. I have destroyed your football team for years and now, with my one last dying breath, I leave you with Dan Orlovsky! (cackles profusely, then melts into the ground)

Winner: The terrorists. If this game is actually played Sunday, then the terrorists have truly won. I would rather kiss Al Davis' arthritic, wart-covered feet than watch this game (not really). But If I must pick a winner, Houston.

Indianapolis @ Green Bay

Remember Ryan Grant? What a great story he was! A practice squad player who ran his way into everyone's hearts. Well, now he can't run through wet Kleenex. Neither can the Colts, with their last ranked run offense. It's more or less Peyton Manning vs. Aaron Rodgers. Since like two football games is sufficient sample size for every football analyst, Manning is a terrible quarterback and Rodgers is a future hall-of-famer.

Winner: Unfortunately, I think Indy's back (even with a limited Addai). Indy by 10+.

Football Jets @ Oakland

I never thought it could get worse for the Raiders and it has. Oh what a lovely day! JaMarcus Russell has only thrown 200 NFL passes and they have been so awful, I think it is safe to say he is already a bust. Yes, I know I'm supposed to wait three or four years, but whom are we kidding? He sucks. So does Deangelo Hall. So does Javon Walker. At this point I have a love-hate relationship with Al Davis. I hate him, but I love the hijinks with which he runs the team.

Winner: Football Jets

Cleveland @ Washington

Wow, Washington. You lost to the Rams. Jeez. To make matters worse, Kellen Winslow has an infection of nefarious origin. They say in the Army, it is don't ask don't tell, and that's just what Winslow, being a soldier and all, did. So Redskins, keep your uniforms on, wash your hands, stop Jamal Lewis and cover Braylon Edwards and everything should be fine for you.

Winner: Washington

Seattle @ Tampa Bay

When does the frickin' flex schedule start? NBC should not force me and millions of other Americans to watch this game. I guess the Bucs D is kinda good and big ups to my main man Matt Hasselbeck (born in Boulder, CO). Come on, though, nobody wants to see this, not even these team's cities. Everyone in Tampa Bay is focusing on baseball. Everyone in Seattle is fishing or fixing their parasol or something.

Winner: ABC, FOX, CBS and Tampa Bay

Denver @ New England

No Tom Brady. Matt Cassell. Shanahan's record against the Patriots. Young, Royal and Scheffler back (though perhaps not with the frequency of their usual roles). Patriots bandwagon fans leaving Derek Jeter Tiger Woods Roger Federer Thierry Henry Memorial Gillette Stadium completely empty. I don't want to get too overconfident and jinx my favorite team, but this should be similar to an IQ contest between a chimpanzee and Sarah Palin (chimpanzee 40 and Sarah Palin -3).

Winner: Denver

Last Week: 7-7 (I had a rough week)
Overall Record: 37-20

Masterson's Musings: Judgment Day

So here's what I've been doing the last week:

- I've been dining at gourmet restaurants around the Denver area every night and ordering such "gourmet" items as the Premium Bacon Mac n Cheese in hopes that I will be tricked and that Pizza/Pasta Hut will have switched the restaurants 'sghetti for their own. I've struck out thus far.

- I still can't, in good faith, find the strength inside my soul to root the Red Sox onto victory against the Rays, but my cousin (Justin Masterson) is really making it hard on me. Inserted into the 9th inning in a 7-7 game, in the most crucial inning of the Red Sox season in which Sox manager Terry Francona put his faith in a 23 year old rookie, Justin came through in a big way by working around a hit and an unintentional intentional walk of BJ Upton by inducing a double play ground ball off the bat of Carlos Pena. The Sox capped off their impossible comeback win to stave off elimination in the bottom of the 9th and Justin got the win. His ERA in the ALCS now stands at 1.93 and 2.09 overall in the postseason. As a rookie. He's done more than could have possibly been asked from him and will be a fixture for the Red Sox for years to come......that is unless he gets traded the offseason. Hmmm, I hear that the Sox are in the market for a third baseman with Lowell shelved for an unknown period of time.......I believe the Rockies are shopping their own third baseman in Garrett Atkins.....I think Justin would fit in just fine in the purple pinstripes in Colorado. I'm just sayin.

- As for the Red Sox: seriously, think of another way to win a playoff series. This whole come-from-behind-when-everyone-thinks-you're-dead-thing is getting really old.

- So the Avs finally got their first win of the season last night by trouncing the Philadelphia Phlyers 5-2. Not surprisingly, the Avs finally got a mediocre-plus performance from their goaltender. Not Peter Budaj, the "number 1" starter, but backup Andrew Raycroft. After an abysmal season last year in Toronto, Raycroft, the Calder Trophy Winner in 2004 for Rookie of the Year, showed flashes of brilliance while only facing 18 shots. The only two goals he gave up last night were on a penalty shot and a 5 on 3 power play for the Flyers, two very low percentage opportunities for goaltenders. Every other year, Raycroft has had major success. After his Rookie of the Year campaign, he sucked in 05-06 (8-19, 3.71 Goals Against Average), regained his confidence in Toronto in 06-07 (37-25, 2.99 GAA), and then regressed to the aforementioned abysmalness last year. That means he's due this year. And when the number 1 goalie has surrendered 13 goals in only 74 shots (4.38 GAA, yikes spikes) he should get his number called a few more games a week. At least give him a shot to see what he can do because he looked very sharp last night.

- Why is no one calling Bill Beeeeelichick a genius this year without Tom Brady? Anybody? Bueller?

-The Pats looked Detroit Lion-esque against the Chargers last Sunday night and the Broncos will need to capitalize on the fact that the Pats will most likely not have either of their top two running backs in Lawrence Maroney and Lamont Jordan. Make Matt Cassel beat you. They're not going to be able to run the ball effectively (even on the Broncos D, Elway willing), and Cassel hasn't shown very much skill in reading defenses, getting rid of the ball, or throwing the ball down the field. That being said, the Broncos D hasn't been good at defending any of those things either.

LL Cool Jay Still Hates Philip Rivers

Well it seems our beloved robot of a quarterback, Jay Cutler, is once again in the news for what comes out of his mouth rather than the numbers he puts up on the field. Last night on the Best Damn Sports Show Period host Chris Rose, in an attempt to bait Jay into saying something he'd regret (like that he has a stronger arm than Denver deity John Elway perhaps?), asked Jay about his icy relationship with San Diego Chargers douche-in-chief Philip Rivers. Instead of being diplomatic about the whole situation and saying the usual stump speech about how Rivers is a great quarterback but they just don't talk much and blah blah blah, the Cut man shot from the hip in the same way he slings footballs on Sundays:

“We're not best of friends at all. We don’t really have a lot of contact with each other, you know, it’s become a nice rivalry," Cutler said. "We’re both younger guys and both on pretty good teams in the same division and get to see each other twice. I’m just not that big of a fan of the guy.” Cutler continued, “I don’t like how he carries himself. I don’t like some of the stuff he does on the field.”

I have to admit, while Cutler shows virtually no emotion when he does anything (I think he could have the same outward appearance when speaking about his grandmother's death as when he talks about a game that we won in which he threw 32 touchdowns), it's what makes him a great quarterback. He doesn't let anything rattle him and he's got unwavering confidence. While he's mastered the cliches of the postgame interview, if you ask him an honest question, he's going to give you an honest answer. That's what happened in the now infamous quote about Elway's arm, and now he's come under fire for it. To be honest, I love that kind of calm arrogance in my quarterback. He thinks he's the best quarterback in football and he believes it so matter-of-factly that you're not really sure that you disagree with him. Is he the best QB in football? Not yet. But I have no doubt that he'll be there within the next few years. Plus, I mean, have you seen Philip Rivers? That guy's a total jackass.

The 5 Games That Truly Defined Our Season

I promised that I would get to this list. I don't particularly feel any tingle of excitement to relive the 5 worst performances exhibited by the Rockies this season, but hey, I need something to write about to take my mind off the problems of yours, mine, and our Denver Broncos. These will appear chronologically so you can witness first hand the steady decline of the 2007 National League Champion Colorado Rockies.

1. April 4 vs. D-Backs, 8-1 Loss
- This was supposed to be the Rockies coronation as a major player in not only the Denver sports scene, but for the national stage as well. This was the home opener of the National League Champions following our first very successful season. The city was abuzz with Rockies fever and the only prescription was to see their beloved boys in purple take the field and receive their championship rings. The stands were packed, the players were pumped, and an unprecedented air of confidence covered Coors Field. Unfortunately, it was the last time we were to be hopeful the rest of the season. In a game that was supposed to be a thank you letter to the dedicated fans who have stuck by this team when they yearned to even be knocking on mediocrity's door, we sent.......Mark Redman to the hill. That's right. Mark Redman. A journeyman pitcher who had a couple decent starts in our 21 day run to the NL pennant in 2007. He of the 66-80 career win-loss record. Well, he pitched every bit of his career stigma by going 5.2 innings and giving up 5 runs on 9 hits on route to an 8-1 Rockies loss. Micah Owings, who went on to pitch so poorly during the season for the D-Backs that he was traded to the Reds, gave up 2 hits in 6.2 innings and struck out 9 in an unfortunate bit of foreshadowing for the rest of the season for the Rockies. Nobody hit, every Rockies pitcher gave up at least one run, Holliday struck out four times, and we lost to the D-Backs....what would become a trend as we did it 15 more times throughout the course of the year. It was a sad start to a sorry season.

2) May 26 vs Phillies, 20-5 Loss
- It's not that this loss was as devastating as it was spirit-crushing. We were already well into our early season free-fall when Jorge de la Rosa took the hill with one goal in mind.....to be as bad as he wanted to be. Apparently, he wouldn't stop until he reached the suck quotient of High School Musical, Creed, and the American economy combined (too soon?) Staked to a 3-0 lead in the first inning, Jorge proceeded to cough it right back and then some. His final line of 3.1 inn, 7 runs, and 3 walks wasn't the worst line from a starting pitcher this season (see Redman, Mark and Wells, Kip), but it was what followed from the 5 pitchers out of our bullpen that really lit the fuse on the stinkbomb that was our 2008. Those 5 pitchers gave up a combined 13 more runs (and that was with Alberto Arias and Corpas throwing scoreless frames.) There's nothing like praying for the 10 run rule in a Major League baseball game to demoralize an already down and out ballclub.

3) May 30 vs Cubs, 10-9 Loss
- After this game, I immediately turned on my computer and posted a scathing, strictly emotional response to the Rockies heartless defeat. I called this the lowest point of the season and frankly, with the luxury of 4 months of hindsight, I'm not sure I was too wrong. With our ace Aaron Cook on the mound staked to an 8-0 lead which then eventually turned into a 9-1 lead, we blew it. Cook blew it by giving up 7 runs in 6.1, Corpas then proceeded to screw things up royally by surrendering the last 3 runs and the go ahead 2 run jack to Mark DeRosa. That ballooned Manuel's ERA to 6.59 and completely took the bloom off the rose that Corpas laid so beautifully at the foot of the heart-shaped bed we called the 2007 season (was that a bit too eloquent?) My sticking point of why this was the lowest point of the year was this: we did everything possible to lose that ballgame. We hit three home runs, had our ace on the hill, had an 8 run lead and still found a way to lose the contest. How could we go anywhere but up after a defeat like that?

4) August 7 vs Nationals, 6-3 Loss, 6-3 Loss
- No, I'm not repeating myself. Those identical losses to the worst team in the National League in a doubleheader matchup were the cherry on top of the shit sundae that was 2008. The Rockies had somehow found a way to hang around in the National League West race. Yes, it was mostly because everybody else in the division was too busy downloading copies of Metallica albums off Napster, but still. We had just finished a pivotal 10 game road trip with a relatively successful record of 6-4. With 7 games coming up against the lowly Nats and Padres, the two worst teams in the NL, I was thinking to myself that maybe, just maybe, there was a chance for this 2008 club to duplicate the late season run of our beloved National League champs. Alas, it was not meant to be....and how. Cook lost the first game, the second game was only saved by an Ian Stewart pinch hit 2 run dinger in the 8th, but then came games 3 and 4. Jeff Francis made his first start in over a month and lost, then Ubaldo trying to unsuccessfully pitch like it was July lost another 6-3 decision. When the Rockies, who had come home with some much needed momentum, couldn't best the immortal Jason Bergmann and Odalis Perez with their three best pitchers on the hill, I knew it was over. I posted the Rockies obituary on this day.

5) September 28 vs D-Backs, 2-1 Loss
- The Rockies had been eliminated for about two weeks at this point, so this wasn't one of those losses that effectively ended our season or anything......except that it was the loss that officially ended our season. I hate losing on the last day of the season. Well, I hate losing in general, but especially when I know I won't be seeing a final score for another 6 months. With as much as I read about sports (obviously the Rockies) it hurts to have to see them with that L in the box score until hope springs eternal. This game wasn't very significant in the grand scheme of things. Ubaldo and Randy Johnson challenged each other to fisticuffs, Marquise de Queensberry Rules, and each held their own for the majority of the ballgame. U-Ball threw 7 scoreless innings with 10 strikeouts and RJ used his power mullet to go the distance, giving up a run and striking out 9. These were not the reasons why this game is on this list. No, we must venture to the 9th to see how this one makes the cut. First, in the 8th, Manny Corpas does his best Manny Corpas impression by giving up a solo homer to Chris Young. Sweet. Then, in the 9th, in the last ballgame of the season, in a tie game, who does Clint send out to the hill but Luis Vizcaino....the biggest disappointment in a season chock full of 'em. Given the largest contract ever given to a relief pitcher in Rockies franchise history, Vizcaino had an ERA over 5 and was never counted on by Hurdle to get any significant outs the entire year until this game. He only subsequently loaded the bases on two walks and a hit then with the count 3-2 to Chris Young, the end of the season hanging on the pitch against a team in which we had a record of 3-16 against, he throws it up and in allowing the winning run to score. There was no more fitting ending to the 2008 season than this one.

Yeah, that wasn't fun to do, but I at least hope it was fun to read.

Next up, the 5 best games of 2008.

Rockies Awards

So for my Rockies awards, I’m going to go through a list of all the players who made significant contributions to the Rockies and give them an award. Maybe it will help them feel better about themselves, because if I was on the Rockies, I’d be depressed.

Taylor Buchholz – The Gary Busey Award for the player who looks like he needs to lay off the uppers.

Aaron Cook – The Ron Howard Award for most ginger player.

Manual Corpas – The Adam Sandler Award for starting out crappy, getting good, then becoming crappy again.

Jorge De La Rosa – The Nicolas Cage Award for interchanging great performances with travesties. (Don't get me wrong, I love Con Air. It's just the southern accent that was so bad it gave cancer to plenty of very cute puppies)

Jeff Francis – The Gary Coleman Award for the player who never went through puberty.

Brian “T-Rex” Fuentes – The Dr. Alan Grant Award for player whose “visual acuity is based on movement.”

Jason Grilli – The John Turturro Award for the player who is pretty good, despite the fact that nobody has ever heard of them.

Matt Herges – The Shawne Merriman Award for the player whose performance was best enhanced by outside sources, but broke down once they could no longer use those performance enhancers.

Ubaldo Jimenez – The Best Pitcher Award for the best pitcher on the team. Nice and simple.

Greg Reynolds – The Brian Griese Award for playing severely below expectations.

Ryan Speier – The Harry Dean Stanton Award for the player who most resembles a good character actor. That is, the player that completes the team, but never really stands out.

Luis Vizcaino – The Frank Caliendo Award for the player who most makes you wonder why anybody would pay them to do anything.

Chris Iannetta – The Antithesis of Ian Malcolm Award for the player who most exhibits a deplorable lack of personality. Seriously, have you seen him get interviewed? I’d rather watch a VH1 Behind the Music of a Christian adult contemporary band.

Yorvit Torrealba – The Yourhighness Morgan Award for the player whose parents exhibited the most courage whilst filling out their birth certificate.

Garrett Atkins -The '06 Justin Morneau Award for the player whose RsBI makes him look much better than he actually is.

Clint Barmes - The Kenny Chesney Award for willingness to walk up to the plate listening to Kenny Chesney.

Todd Helton - Oh, wait, he didn't make a significant contribution to the team. His $15 mil is reward enough.

Ian Stewart - The Rookie of the Year Award for... being... the... Rookie of the Year?

Troy Tulowitzki - The Jose Theodore Award for maybe you should lay off the booze, chicks and Maseratis and focus on playing the sport for which you are paid. (He fixed it in the second half)

Brad Hawpe - The Willem Defoe Award for the player who progressed from being a platoon player to being an everyday player.

Matt Holliday - The Most Valuable Player for the player who best exhibits willful baldness.

Willy Taveras - The Rob Schneider Award for the player who is just plain awful.

Jack-ed Up

Ugh, where do we begin? With the inconsistent offense? The shoddy defense? The inexplicable inability to start and finish a play with the football in the hands of the same person? It was a very poor showing on both sides of the ball in today's 24-17 loss to Jacksonville. How the game was still that close remains to be dissected, but that score doesn't fully explain how the Broncos got taken down today. You will not win games in the NFL by fumbling on the other team's 5 yard line, nor fumbling the play immediately after you just recovered a fumble of your own after having a flawless drive to start the game. Too specific? Fine, let's go to the videotape...

-Through the first 3 weeks, the O was a go, the last 3 the O's been a no show. Oh sure, it started out hot today driving 80 yards in 8 plays for a touchdown on the opening drive with the Jay Man going 7-7, but after that it simply disintegrated into a series of turnovers, 3 and outs, and building frustration. Opposing defenses are starting to lock in to the fact that Jay Cutler takes the snap, stares straight at Brandon Marshall, blows kisses to him, texts him a message like "omg, run a post, lol," and then throws him the ball regardless of how many defenders are blanketing Marshall at the time. Jay has other receiving weapons, but you wouldn't know it by the sheer volume of passes headed Marshall's way. Yes, Marshall is one of the best receivers in the league, but he's not going to be open every single play, no matter how good he is. Jay needs to adjust to the defense's tendencies the way defenses are adjusting to his.

- I had no idea that fumbling was going out of style until I watched the Broncos play football in the first half. Then, as I saw three straight possessions end in turnovers (fumble, interception, fumble) including the final fumble on the Jaguars 5 yard line as we were about to go up 14-3, I suddenly understood what was going on. The Broncos, realizing the fumbling fad was fading, felt the urge to give it one last hurrah and send the trend out in style. Once I convinced myself that's what they were doing, I felt a little better about it.............not.

-To the defense's credit, they did make some stops when they needed to. After Graham's TD catch with 8 minutes left, we were only down 24-17 and the defense followed by stopping the Jags on 3 plays, giving the ball back to our offense to try and tie the game. Yeah, it was a nice gesture, but the offense apparently didn't feel too keen on returning the favor, matching the Jags with a 3 and out of their very own. That pretty much sealed the deal and handed us a much-deserved second loss on the season.

-It wasn't all bad, though. Just a good chunk of it. Michael Pittman, given a chance to take the bulk of the carries for Shanny's offense for the first time all year, responded with a resounding "huzzah!" by gashing the Jags D for 109 yards on 20 carries, the first Bronco back to break the century mark in 2008. The Pitt-Man is a bruising ball carrier who pounded out yards and bowled over defenders all day. He's proving that he's not only skilled as a short yardage and receiving back, but that he can handle a full workload every Sunday. Today was the most carries Pittman had had in a game since 2004 and with the success he had today, you can bet Shanny will be penciling Pittman in for a few more carries in next Monday's bout with the Patriots.

-Maurice Jones-Drew-Stamos-Jean-King disrespected the Broncos and their fans in our own house today twice by mocking our Mile High Salute made famous by the incomparable Terrell Davis. News flash for the little guy: You, sir, are no Terrell Davis. You never were, and you never will be. TD had something that you don't (besides about 8 inches and actual skill as a running back): class. TD never showed anybody up, never backed down from anybody, and never had to act out to prove he was better than everyone else. He let his play speak for him and that's how he is one of only four NFL players in history to rush for over 2,000 yards in a season. You think you have a chip on your shoulder because you were drafted in the second round? Big deal. TD was an unknown 6th rounder who ended up as one of the greatest running backs in history. You? You'll be lucky to sniff the Pro Bowl this year. Take a cue from your better half (Fred Taylor) and do as he does. Shut your mouth and play football.

Our next matchup puts us in New England next Monday Night to take on the punchless Pats who looked awfully disjointed against the Chargers today. Matt Cassel is definitely no Tom Brady, hell, he's barely a Tyler Thigpen. The Pats still have weapons, but they're not the seemingly invincible team of a year ago. I still have us at 5-2 heading into our bye week. Plus, Shanahan loves outsmarting Bill Beeeeeelichick.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 6

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Brandon Marshall on why Jay Cutler made those McDonald's commercials, while simultaneously trying to prove to skeptics that Cutler is not a robot:

"He made them pay. He wouldn't be human if he didn't."

_____________________________________________________________________________

Chicago @ Atlanta

Kyle “The Defense Prescient-in-ator” Orton is stomping the yard on defenses. Seriously. This world is coming to an end. It's almost like Elisha Manning won a Super Bowl or something.

Winner: Atlanta. Yes, I am picking the Atlanta Falcons to win a game.

Miami @ Houston

Wildcat! The Miami offense Wildcat! Texan’s offensive Wildcat! Tony Wildcat! Kubiak Wildcat! Wildcat! Wildcat! The big questions are Wildcat! And Wildcat! Wildcat! If you watched the Wildcat! game on CBS last Wildcat! then you know Wildcat! what I’m talking Wildcat! about. Wildcat!

Winner: Wildcat! (May I remind you I picked the Dolphins to win last week against the Chargers)

Baltimore @ Indianapolis

-Dude, brah, like, the starting quarterback, brah, for the Baltimore Ravens, brah, for the rest of the year, brah, is going to be Joe Flacco, brah.

-Brah, that’s the balls, brah.

-No, brah, it’s the tits, brah.

-Brah, you are not brah, dawg, brah.

-WTF, brah, I’m brah as bro, brah.

Winner: Indianapolis (I had nothing for this caption)

Detroit @ Minnesota

Ya darn tootin’! Minnesohhhhta! Steve Buscemi will have 24 receptions for 478 yarhhhds and 65 touchdowns, you betcha! Since there are so many non-zoo lions in Detroit, I don’t know how Adrian Peterson will escape Simba, except via punching Scar in the children-makers.

Winner: Minnesohhhhhhta

Oakland @ N’leans

N’leans has a n’sty o’ense that s’res a l’t o’ p’ts. Drew Brees will th’rw f’r a l’t y’rds. And, more importantly, Roger Moore will jump on a lot of crocodiles. D’c M’ca’ls’tr’ is back so they can run the football again. Caaaarazzzy!

Winner: N’l’n’s

Cincinnati @ Football Jets

I could do Marvin Lewis’ job. Seriously. Manage upper class convicts? Easy. Pretend to be an NFL team? Like stealing candy from a orphaned baby. They signed Cedrick “My Party’s in International Waters” Benson. Why not Travis Henry? All he wanted was a year’s supply of nose candy.

Winner: Football Jets

Carolina @ Tampa Bay

Brian Griese is questionable after Champion Bailey rocked him in the face. So will Jeff Garcia start? With he and Jon Gruden's icy relationship, maybe Gruden will ask Steve Smith to punch Garcia in the face.

Winner: Carolina

St. Louis @ Washington

The Football Native Americans had a big win last week over Philadelphia. Who would have thought the Redskins would be good? Well, against the Rams' high school team, it should be a breeze for the skins. If the Rams lose again, maybe they will have to fire the whole team via phone call at three in the morning, just like with Linehan.

Winner: Washington

Jacksonville @ Denver

Jay Cutler apparently throws "hands down" harder than John Elway and "no question" harder than Troy Tulowitzki. He's quite humble for a robot. Cutler also said that he makes Joe Montana "look like a bitch" and that he "craps prettier than Johnny Unitas playing QB." Keep your head small, LL Cool Jay.

Winner: Denver

Dallas @ Arizona

As long as Kurt Warner doesn't retire halfway through the game, this might actually be a real game. Last week, the Cowboys almost lost to the Bengals. THE BENGALS. Jessica Simpson must be doing the offensive play-calling for the Cowboys.

Winner: Dallas (though it will be close)

Philadelphia @ San Fransisco

Everybody's favorite preseason pick, the Eagles, are floundering. That's right. I said floundering in reference to a football team. And the 49ers don't look devastatingly awful. Plus, Donovan McNabb thinks Brian Westbrook's injury is "embarassing" and puked because of it.

Winner: Somehow the 49ers

Green Bay @ Seattle

Mike Holmgren really wants to go out on top. In his supposed last year, he might lead the Seawawks to 4 wins. Oddly enough, that will probably be enough to win the NFC West by at least two games.

Winner: Green Bay

New England @ San Diego

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. With the Patriots entire offense starting a boy band (or getting hurt), and the Chargers entire defense out with 'roid injuries, this game will be a lot less interesting than the Sunday Night Football producers anticipated.

Winner: Chargers

Football Giants @ Cleveland

Juliet has had an entire bye week to get his team to not suck. Maybe it will have to entail starting the perennially overrated Brady Quinn. Quinn reportedly said that he will call Crennel a "homo" if he isn't the starter for this game.

Winner: Football Giants by a landslide

Last Week: 10-4
Overall: 30-13

Masterson's Musings: Return of the Jedi

- Thank Elway for the new South Park episode completely validating everyone here at Frost Brewed Baseball's opinions of the new Indiana Jones movie. Though we didn't take our criticisms as far as Trey Parker and Matt Stone did, we agree wholeheartedly nonetheless.

- To everyone who thinks that Ryan Howard should be the NL MVP because he led the NL in HRs and RBIs (but hit .250)......don't watch baseball anymore because you obviously have no idea how the game works or what it takes to be the best player in your league. Go live on an island somewhere where you're unable to follow the game or get internet access (no matter what Bill Curtis tells you) because you're a horrible fan of the game and should be banned from watching the sport altogether. Albert Pujols is the hands-down pick to win the MVP this year (.357, 37, 116 with a .462 obp on a team that has literally no other offensive threat or pitching to speak of.) Anyone who votes against him is un-American and slits the necks of baby seals on top of Old Glory.

- While watching Game 1 of the NLCS tonight (and pouring out a cold one in remembrance of what we were doing at this time last year,) I was marveling at Joe Buck trying to explain how Manny Ramirez had transformed the Dodgers from an also-ran into a playoff team. In one sentence he said that the Dodgers had finished with an 84-78 record, 15th among Major League teams. Maybe two sentences later he made the statement that until Manny arrived on the LA scene, the Dodgers were a .500 team.............last time I checked 84 wins wasn't really that far off from a .500 team. In fact, it's about 3 wins. Yeah, Manny hit a ton when he got to California, but he didn't really make the Dodgers that much better of a team alone. Andre Ethier started hitting everything from here to Kathmandu and you could easily argue that Greg Maddux had a much stronger influence on the pitching staff than Manny had on the Dodger hitters (you really think Jeff Kent would take time off his motorcycle riding, wrist breaking, teammate pushing schedule to listen to a guy with 500 homers?) Maddux, one of the greatest pitchers of all time, has had a calming effect on everyone on that staff. Derek Lowe thinks it's 2004, Chad Billingsley has harnessed his immense talent, hell, even Hiroki Kuroda has stopped doing his Hideki Irabu impression since Maddux joined Los Doyers. Here's what I'm getting at: Manny sucks. Maddux is smart. Joe Buck says contradictory things.

-The Avs had their opening game tonight (yeah, that's right, hockey's back...you had no idea it was gone, did you?) Well, good thing the offense showed up because we might as well have played with an empty net. We still lost 5-4 but at least our O showed some skill. Peter Budaj, however, should be perusing the want ads come tomorrow morning. Here's the deal: We've given this guy a chance, many chances in fact, to be our number 1 goaltender and he has never taken the initiative and ran with it. Hell, even Jose Theodore came around when given the reins last year. Tonight, we outshot the Bruins 39-20, but still came up on the losing end. 5 goals on 20 shots? Couldn't we just stick a fat guy between the pipes and reap the same results? What's Roseanne doing nowadays? I'm sure she's free.

-So the Rockies decided to fire pretty much all of their coaches? Most, but not all. In fact, only pitching coach Bob Apodaca and first base coach Glenallen Hill were spared. I have to wonder why them? With the pitching suffering the way it did this year, why didn't Apodaca get the axe? The hitting slumped and hitting coach Alan Cockrell got canned. Did O'Dowd just throw a bunch of darts at a board with all the coaches names on it? Shouldn't the firings have started with Clint and ended with Hurdle? In any other city he'd have been fired 5 years ago. But not here, we don't seem to care enough to make any major changes. We'll just sit on our laurels of our World Series appearance from a year ago and think that our fans are dumb enough to not notice/care.

-I'm only rooting for my cousin to do well in the Red Sox/Rays series. I can't in good faith root for the Red Sox after what they did to my Rockies and Indians last fall. Though it would be cool to see a World Series ring in person.

...and 5 to grow on!

Well, I already outlined the 5 main reasons the Colorado Rockies sucked in 2008, I would be remiss if I didn't come up with a tidy little list of a few things the Rockies actually did well this year. No, really, there were 5 things. I promise you there will be no repeats.......probably.

1) Tulo's 2nd Half
- Tulo's 1st half was at the top of the Things-That-Sucked-List, so it's only fitting that Tulo's second half be at the top of this one. Tulo's second half basically begins when he returned from the disabled list for second time (after getting into a bar brawl with one of his bats and losing...badly) on July 21. At the time he was hitting .166 with 3 home runs and 15 rbis. Not quite MVP worthy if you ask me. In that July 21 game against the Dodgers, Tulo announced his prescence with authority with a 5-5 game, raising his average 34 points in only one game. From that point on, Tulo had himself a hell of a season hitting .335 the rest of the way and picking up his power pace a bit by clubbing 6 homers and knocking in 32 runs. His final stat line of .263, 8, 46 nears David Eckstein territory for uselessness (unless you count "being a gamer" as usefulness) compared to his monster 2007 numbers (.299, 24, 97), but to see how abysmal Tulo was at the beginning of the season, dealing with his injuries (some self inflicted), and bouncing back to have a second half that we came to expect in the short time we've known Tulo was a huge relief to Rockies fans and front office alike. Now that he knows how to handle adversity for the first time in his career, he's going to be better for it when 2009 rolls around.

2) The emergence of the Young Guns
- Yeah, that's right, I'm talking about Chris Iannetta, Ian Stewart, and Ubaldo Jimenez (What? You thought I meant Charlie Sheen, Emilio, and Kiefer? Pssshhh). Those three guys were big question marks coming into the 2008 season. Chris was the Opening Day starter last year, but ineffectiveness and lofty expectations ultimately led to his demotion to the Springs for a brief period to get his confidence back. Though he showed some pop at the end of last season in his return, he was still stuck behind Yorvit "Mr. "Clutch"" (yeah, quotations in quotations) Torrealba in the depth chart. Everyone here at Frost Brewed Baseball realized early on in the year that Iannetta was ready to be a productive member of the ballclub when he was outhitting Torrealba in half the at bats. Once Hurdle finally realized it too, Iannetta took off. He finished the year 5th in home runs among catchers (18), 8th in RBIs (65), 2nd in on base percentage (.390), and didn't commit an error the entire season behind the plate. The upper echelon of catchers in the big leagues (Mauer, McCann, Martin) might have a new member.

King Stew had always had pounds of potential but had never turned that promise into production at the Major League level. Some in the organization were wondering whether or not he would ever be the player they thought he'd be. Those worries were allieved this year as soon as Ian saw consistent at bats when Helton went down for the season. Garrett moved to first to make way for Stew Daddy and Stewart responded with power and defense. A late season slide masked the outstanding season this kid had in the 2nd half. His final numbers of (.259, 10, 41) don't show just how impressive Stewart was this year. On top of his highlight reel defense, Stew slugged huge home runs and hit lefties at a ridiculous .370 clip. He should be a cornerstone of our infield for years to come (and will probably necessitate the need to move Atkins to another team.)

No one knew what to expect from Ubaldo this year. He'd had success near the end of the season and in the playoffs, but he was still only 24. When he started out 1-7, the critics were ready to write off Jimenez as a flash in the pan. A million dollar arm and a 5 cent head to quote Bull Durham. Then the calendar turned to July and all of a sudden Jimenez was nearly flawless. His fastball was hard and biting, his slider made hitters flail helplessly, and his command was spotless. He went 5-1 in the month with a 1.74 ERA and cemented his spot at number 2 in our rotation. Though his August was a bit of a setback, he finished the season strong with a 2.90 ERA in the month of September ending the season with a hard-fought 12-12 record and 3.99 ERA. Though it was a bit up and down, this kid is going to be fun to watch for years to come with that 100 mph heat.

3) Cookie's career year
- For a while Aaron Cook's season looked destined to be the best in the entire history of the Rockies franchise. He had 16 wins by the time they calendar turned to September, one short of the Rockies record, but a high volume of innings pitched eventually caught up to the red-headed right hander and he was forced to miss a few starts down the stretch. The ones he did start however, Cook looked like a shell of the pitcher we'd seen at the start of the year. Nevertheless, Cook had one of the finest years of any pitcher in the history of the ballclub. Signed to a contract extension in the offseason, he was one of the only players that the front office invested in that actually earned his paycheck in 2008. He finished the year at 16-9 with a 3.96 ERA but those numbers don't tell the story of how dominant Cook was for the majority of the season. He played the roll of stopper early on in the year rolling off 6 straight wins, most of them after Rockies losses. He was even the second Rockies starting pitcher to be selected to the National League All Star Team (the other being everybody's favorite $121 million man, Mike Hampton in 2001), and responded by throwing 3 shutout innings in said All Star game (including a magic act after the AL loaded the bases with nobody out thanks to Dan "My Fielding Is" Uggla's 2 consecutive errors.) Though his performance was historic, he ultimately paid the price by not responding well after the break and having to sit out with lower back pain. Cook finally pitched like the ace he was supposed to be and we'll look for that sinker to dominate next season as well.

4) T Rex's Total Domination
- Though he came into the season as the set up man due to Manny Corpas' unreal 2nd half last season, Brian Fuentes had the kind of year that guys can go their whole careers without having. Thrust back into the closer's role after Corpas had his Fuentes-esque meltdown to start the year, Brian responded by saving 30 games, his 4th consecutive season with at least 20. At one point, he saved 17 consecutive games including a stretch between August 15-September 17 where in 13 innings, he gave up 3 hits, walked 2, and struck out 24. He was so unbelievably unhittable that he made Rockies fans forget his, ahem, "hiccup" on last year's disastrous 1-9 road trip at the end of June. Most everyone agrees that it's a foregone conclusion that Fuentes will be a goner this offseason, that he will command too big of a contract for the penny-pinching Rockies to afford. Plus, they say they already have a bona-fide Major League closer in Manny Corpas. Or are they only saying that because they're set to pay Manny $5.5 million this year and don't want to be paying that kind of money to a set up man? In my opinion, we need Fuentes. He's the franchise's all time leader in saves and has the makeup and stuff to still dominate the 9th inning for years to come. He's much more important to me than Atkins, who is easily expendable and a good piece of trade bait if we can land a quality starting pitcher. He's replaceable. Fuentes is not and it will be a shame if the Rockies front office doesn't at least make a decent attempt to re-sign T-Rex.

5)..................
- I got this. I know there has to be a 5th positive from this season. Hawpe had a pretty sweet year and finally started to hit lefties (.282 average, 6 hrs.) Barmes proved himself to be a quality option at second base (at least until EY, Jr or Corey Wimberley are ready to make an impact.) Taylor Buchholz was nearly unhittable in the setup role (6-6, 2.17 ERA), and Jason Grilli stepped up to provide some solid innings late in the game. There, there's a few things that went well. Livan Hernandez won't be on the team next year! That's another one. That's all I have right now. Be grateful I found 4.

Coming up, the worst 5 games of 2008.