From the writers and producers of Waiting to Exhale...

…And the people who brought you Independence Day, comes the next masterpiece from Academy Award winner Steven Spielberg—The 2008 NFL Draft (brought to you by Rocky Mountain cold Coors Light).

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INT. Radio City Music Hall – Afternoon

Rowdy fans crowded in the upper deck, cheering sporadically. Five ESPN analysts sit around a glossy desk, wearing sharply refined suits. Lower in the hall, closer to the stage, sit several team representatives huddling around computer screens and telephones. The stage is brightly lit with a futuristic neon design. The suspense is palpable.

The COMISSIONER walks slowly across the stage to the podium.

COMISSIONER

With first overall pick in the 2008 draft, the Miami Dolphins select Jake Long.

JETS FANS

Booooooooooooooooooooooooo!

CUT TO:

The COMISSIONER walks slowly across the stage to the podium.

COMISSIONER

With the second overall pick in the 2008 draft, the St. Louis Rams select Chris Long

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And on and on and on. The first round of the draft went much as it was scripted. The six “green room” athletes were the first six picks. There were no Brady Quinn’s snuggling with their girlfriends, whispering homophobic nothings about the teams passing on them into their girlfriend's ear. With many of the picks, Mel Kiper Jr., Berman, Keyshawn Johnson* and the gang suggested a pick, then Commissioner Roger Goodell walked up the podium and echoed their choice. Was it the decreased time between picks? Were teams pandering to draft clichés because they didn’t have time to be original?

There were the occasional Ted Ginn Jr.’s (surprises): Joe Flacco in the first round, Gosder Cherilus’ cool name surging him 10-15 picks up the board. It could also be considered a surprise (as well as impossible) that there were 49 offensive tackles selected in the 31-pick first round. Perhaps teams are finally buying-in to the time-tested credo that games are won and lost on the line of scrimmage.

ESPN, meanwhile, sold-out to noticeably frequent commercial breaks. The highlight of those breaks—the myriad new press conference Coors Light commercials, all of which were up to Coors’ exalted standard—Jimmy Johnson hair jokes abound. The lowlight—an Under Armour advertisement, which was played in almost every commercial break. The commercial included Ray Lewis with a wrathful look on his face, which frightens me, rather than convinces me to purchase Under Armour products. But that’s just me. And I'm not sure if he can hide a knife in spandex or not.

With all the lack of drama, meager surprises, and rampant commercials, the script for this year’s draft was rather sub-par; it may have even been a double bogey (an Alien Vs. Predator caliber script). We NFL fans turned on the TV hopefully this afternoon. Our expectations of an emotional roller coaster were quickly smitten, within the span of the first six picks. There is always tomorrow, and the day after tomorrow but the fourth through seventh rounds lack the prestige of the first few rounds. It seems as though the fun of this year’s draft won’t show itself until we see the breakout players in the next few years.

*Keyshawn Johnson was wearing a tan suit with a checkered shirt and pink tie; he even topped the stellar outfit off with a dark green, Tom Brady-esque pocket square. The only improvement I can think of would be a neon green ascot and a shiny purple suit. I don’t personally like the guy too much, but he sure knows how to dress.

Today's Random Quote:

"I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum." - "Rowdy" Roddy Piper in John Carpenter's They Live

Note: I learned how to link to stuff! That's why there are so many.