The Henry Rowengartner Proviso (Or Gary Busey Is the Greatest Actor of All-time, Ever!)

Multiple choice question…

What gives sports media the biggest boner?

1. Improbable Career Comeback (see Ankiel, Hamilton)
2. Scrappiness (see Eckstein, Hansbrough)
3. Young Talent (see Upton (the J one))()))(
4. Tom Brady (see Stetson Cologne)
5. Randy Johnson (see definition of handsome in dictionary)

Answer at the bottom of the post…

Let’s ignore that question for the moment and focus on young talent. Everybody digs on the young talent. LeBron James! Sidney Crosby! OMG! WTF! LOL! BRB! Those precocious youngsters inspire us. They make us think: “How in the name of Hannah Montana did they get so good, so young?” The answer is that they are probably some kind of super advanced Tamagotchi type deals. Mike Brown just tells LeBron to train, eat, and then cleans his poop off the court by pressing a series of buttons. In baseball, it is the fledging pitcher that draws the most notice. Some may recall an obese Native American from Nebraska that became a media darling, mostly because he pitched for the Yankees. Here are some potential breakout obese Native Americans from Nebraska for this year:

Johnny Cueto

Ok, he’s not obese or Native American, and he’s from the Dominican Republic, but the kid’s got some skills. His line thus far: 19.1 IP, 1 BB, 24 K. R u f-ing k-ing m? (Are you fucking kidding me? - For the lay person). One frickin’ walk and 24 K’s. His OPS against is .555. His DIPS is 3.34. I know it is just three starts, but talk about hitting the ground running; this guy jumped out of a 747 and hit the Atlantic Ocean running AND stayed above the surface. Then there are his minor league statistics (career WHIP: 1.10, career BB/9: 2.12). How the fuck is this guy not the top pitching prospect in baseball?

Clay Buchholz

And this dude is the answer. Scouts are always talking about his totally tubular stuff (mid 90’s cheesage, yellow snapdragon hook, plus-plus string pullage), but stuff is overrated. Getting batters out is underrated (I’m pretty sure that’s a pitchers job, though I’m not positive). The fella can get guys out. His career minor league WHIP is 1.00!!!!!!!!!!more?!!!! He also averaged 11.23 K/9, coupled with a 2.43 BB/9. He’s like Ben Sheets circa ’06. So far this year, he has only put up a 2.92 DIPS. Tamagotchi? Undoubtedly.

Henry Rowengartner

You can’t argue with his heat (can get over 100). Like I said before, though, it’s not stuff, but getting guys out that really matters. Trouble is, I can’t try to project him with minor league numbers, because he has none. The Cubs signed him out of little league. Thus far, he has been wild, but he’s compensated with a lot of strikeouts. There are concerns about his throwing motion and medical history, though. His motion is unorthodox, as he derives much of his power from the tendons in his elbow, and it is difficult to repeat. As for his medical history, scouts tell me he recently broke his arm trying to show off in front of a babe; so, that’s a big question mark. He does, however, have all-world talent. Perhaps under the tutelage of Chet “Rocket” Stedman and pitching coach Phil Brickma, he’ll be able to cajole that talent into nasty radness and a date with Becky. (Scouts also tell me his mom taught him a plus-plus floater, to serve as a change of speeds)

Honorable Mention:

The “Juuuuuuussssssttt a bit outside” team: Ubaldo Jimenez, Franklin Morales, Homer Bailey, Chad Billingsley

The all-underrated team: Greg Smith, Manny Parra

The Munchausen Syndrome team: Yovanni Gallardo, Matt Garza

The “this guy is fucking good, but hasn’t done it in the majors yet” team: Dana Eveland, Phil Hughes

The “strikeouts are still cool” team: Jair Jurrjens, Ian Kennedy

The “I’m probably forgetting guys” team: ???

Multiple choice answer: It’s a trick question; A-D are a wash. They could all be correct. The answer, however, should be E.

“They mostly come out at night… Mostly” – the little girl from Aliens

Also: Will Smith co-wrote one episode of The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air entitled "Ain't No Business Like Show Business"