Go America! #1 In The Standings!

Baseball! Beer! Hot dogs! Apple pie! Ok, there are no apple pies; I just hopped into the cliché parade for a little too long. Doesn’t it feel patriotic though? It’s the “Presidential” Opening Day. “My first policy of this new year,” said President Bush earlier this week in my imagination, “will be to stick my title in front of Major League Baseball’s Opening Day, throw out the first pitch of the season and then talk to Joe Morgan about how we once discussed running a team together.” (Thunderous, sycophantic applause).

The new (not-Japanese) baseball season began ominously with the President rocketing some “high heat” (according to Joe Morgan) into the glove of Washington Nationals manager Manny Acta. What better way to inspire patriotism and create a sense of unity than to co-opt a sport that we generously call the national past-time? What’s that you say? More people booed than cheered for Grand Ol’ Mr. Bush? A hell of a lot more Americans watch football? You can shut up or get out. This is America. We love baseball and our country.

After all, what is more American than baseball? The players are greedy. Fat, drunk guys can still play. There is little exercise required. There are advertisement breaks every few minutes. Now all we need are hot babes and violence. Damn you, football.

At least baseball has the over-powering fastball and the majestic home run. And apparently that goes hand in hand with… Patriotism! National Anthem—every game. 4^th of July—most popular game of the year. America. America. America. It’s like a drill in my head that won’t relent until I cheer for the President and laugh when he jokes with Joe Morgan. It’s so American I just want to quote Toby Keith: “Who’s your daddy, who’s your baby? Who’s your buddy, who’s your friend?” Maybe I should have gone with something more patriotic. Or relevant. No, definitely not.

Does Opening Day have to be Ultra-America Fest 2008? Can’t it just be a baseball game? I personally watched the game because I was excited about the new season, with all its possibilities for (patriotic) glory and (un-American) failure. Unbeknownst to me, I’m supposed to love my country and all its many flaws simply because I love baseball, and so are all the foreigners whom we force to stare at the flag, cap-on-chest. I’m sure the Canadians love rocking out to the Star-Spangled Banner. The Dominicans sing the shit out of it. The Cubans can’t help but dance (they upgraded it to a dance song for the new millennium—I mean Willennium—wicki wicki Wild Wild West). And we’re all stuck with it, foreign born or Toby Keith fans.

Whoever coupled patriotism and sports, I challenge you to fisticuffs—Queensbury rules. Bring it.