Though it may be an exercise in futility, I’d like to talk about team names. Besides, futility gets a bad wrap—it still throws most bodacious parties. What exactly are the proper attributes for a team name? Well, the name should be in some way or another mean, dangerous, scary, daunting, intimidating, etcetera. In addition to this, a team name must be in some way apropos-priate (may I hereby be declared king of useless, stupid portmanteaus). The team name must capture the spirit of the city and declare a competitive nature simultaneously.
Let’s start with a classic team name. How about the Yankees? You can’t really talk shit about the name of the Yankees. It’s patriotic; it’s anti-racism; it involves war. Although, I suppose it’s a little bland and generic. It’s very easy to appeal to the America crowd. A great team name has to be unique and relatively challenging.
How about a city revered for being unique and challenging? Cincinnati! They have the Bengals and the Reds. Bengals… in Ohio. The great founders of that prestigious and successful franchise decided to pick an animal from southern Asia as its mascot and nom de play. I mean tigers are bad-ass and all, but a tiger wouldn’t be caught dead in Cincinnati (think about it). And Reds? For seriously? Is that supposed to be a derogatory term for Native Americans or just that they wear red? Either way, it’s pathetic. If it’s the former, shame on you. If it’s the latter, how could anyone be less creative? Ok, the team wears purple, let’s call them the Purples. What? They wear red? Ok, then call them the Reds. Do I have to think of everything? Cincinnati, you should be ashamed of your shitty sports team names.
How about them Phillies? They are from Philadelphia. Phil—Phillies, yeah? After all, Philadelphia is synonymous with horses. Philadelphia couldn’t come up with anything better? How about the Philadelphia 2nd United States Congresses? No? How about the Philadelphia Willard Christopher "Will" Smith, Jr’s? (the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air is, in fact, from Philadelphia) Anything but the Phillies would be satisfactory. The mascot is a god-damn alien for Pete’s sake (whoever Pete is). The 76ers and Eagles are kind of crap names too—and what exactly is a Flyer?
There are several others that could be mocked derisively, but let us (me) return to the great state of Colorado for our (my) analysis of team names. The most popular team, the Broncos, has an ok name. I suppose Colorado is a “western” state, so I guess Broncos is apropos-priate (boooyah!). It is a little boring and horses aren’t particularly intimidating, even if they “buck.” The Rockies is kind of cool. It relates to the area, but it lacks punch. Rockies are more majestic than something that will beat your ass. Now, the Nuggets is super, super girly. A nugget isn’t cool at all, it’s just lame. The Gold Rush wasn’t even focused in Colorado. It has nothing to do with basketball, the state, or anything alarming or frightening. And that brings us to the Avalanche… Fuck… Yeah... Great name, no matter how you frame it. It pertains to the area. Duh… snow. It’s fucking bad-ass; an avalanche will rock you in the face. It sort of relates to hockey (snow—ice?). Most importantly, it is completely original and could be used in few other sport cities. I suppose the Colorado Fighting Mongooses would be way more awesomer to the max, but what owner has the balls to show the rest of the league up like that?
And… that happened. (John Mayer blows at music, but http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lrrx5CgdZaA)
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