Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 13 Part 2

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jerricho Cotchery on how Brett Favre has inspired the Jets to becoming a decent team:
"He is the notorious butt-slapper. You have to watch out for him because you may be stretching out or something, and he just comes out of nowhere."

Look. It's totally Favre's fun personality. It's definitely not Thomas Jones' career year. Or the seasoning of Darrelle Revis and David Harris. Or the additions of Calvin Pace, Kris Jenkins, Alan Faneca, and rookie Dwight Lowery. Definitely Brett Favre's jaunty personality.
_____________________________________________________________________
...And the rest...

San Fransisco @ Buffalo

I give thanks for Trent Edwards actually being entertaining and engaging in interviews, unlike 97% of all athletes, especially golfers. I give thanks for Mike Singletary's belt (possibly his suspenders). I give thanks for Beast Mode all up in your d-line's grill.

Winner: Buffalo

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

I give thanks for the hit Adam Sandler vehicle about prison football, The Longest Yard, on which I believe this game was based. I give thanks to plea bargains and knife-murders-at-large. I give thanks for teams named after Edgar Allen Poe poems. I wish Keats was from Cincinnati. Then they could be the Cincinnati Belle Dame sans Merci. That's pretty hardcore, right?

Winner: Baltimore

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

I give thanks for Drew Brees not playing for the Chargers anymore. I give thanks for the Barry Sanders Jr. (Reggie Bush) being a terrible running back (though he is a good receiver). I give thanks for creole food. This has nothing to do with football, but I had a really good honeyed biscuit and some cajun home fries this morning for brakfast. They were really good... Much better than the Saints, who are so 2006 anyway. I would give thanks for the Buccaneers in one way or another, but they are really bland and I couldn't care less about them.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Football Giants @ Washington

I give thanks for huge divisional games like this. I give anti-thanks to the Giants for letting Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan retire. I should not have to listen to them on television. I would gladly give thanks to anyone who could fire them. I give thanks for Eli Manning's hair. I give thanks for all 6 feet and 2 inches of firecracker that make up Jim Zorn.

Winner: Washington. Why Not?

Miami @ St. Louis

I give thanks for Chad Pennington's 93.4 passer rating. I give thanks for the Dolphins' incredible yards after the catch ability that could give Pennington a 8.0 yards per attempt average, especially considering Pennington has never thrown a pass longer than maybe six yards in his whole life. I give thanks for St. Louis continuing to go out there and play each gam for no reason, and to no avail.

Winner: Miami

Indianapolis @ Cleveland

I give thanks for Peyton Manning's forehead. I give thanks for Romeo Crennel's stunning physique. I give thanks for Brady Quinn's poor play and season-ending injury. I really give thanks for that.

Winner: Indianapolis

Carolina @ Green Bay

I give thanks for snowy games at Lambeau. I give thanks for Jake Delhomme throwing four interceptions and still beating the Raiders. I give thanks for Jordan Gross' surname.

Winner: Green Bay

Atlanta @ San Diego

I give thanks for Eli Manning and Roethlisberger getting rings before Philip Rivers. I give thanks to any person who has ever sacked Philip Rivers in their NFL career. I give thanks to anyone who has ever sacked Philip Rivers in their college career. I pretty much give thanks to anyone who has ever treated Philip Rivers poorly in any way--that guy sucks a lot.

Winner: Atlanta (please)

Denver @ Football Jets

I give thanks for Peyton Hillis and Spencer Larsen. I give thanks for Brett Favre's beard. I give thanks for Vinny Testeverde (he's gotta be out there somewhere keeping it real). I give thanks for Deanna Favre's jealousy over all the ass-slappings Brett's teammate's get, while she sits at home alone waxing poetic. Seriously does shit just happen to the Favre family so that they can overcome it courageously, making everyone (especially Tony Kornheiser) adore them even more?

Winner: Unfortuantely the Football Jets

Pittsburgh @ New England

It's hard to give thanks when Matt Cassell comes in and plays as well as he has, but I'll try. I give thanks for the Steelers offensive line. I give thanks for Randy Moss playing like he's back in a Raiders uniform. I give thanks for whoever discovered the Patriots cheating. I give thanks for tarnished "dynasties."

Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Oakland

Sigh. I give thanks to Al Davis' senility. I give thanks to Raiders fans proudly embarrassing themselves every home game. I give thanks to the lady that reported Larry Johnson's salivary projections. I give thanks to Deangelo Hall.

Winner: Kansas City

Chicago @ Minnesota

I give thanks for Rex Grossman. I give thanks for Gus Frerotte. I give thanks for contstant interceptions and fumbles. I give thanks for the Vikings failed expectations. I give thanks to the Booty and Birk families for keeping their proud names alive.

Winner: Minnesota

Jacksonville @ Houston

I give thanks for Steve Slaton being on the waiver wire. I give thanks for Ahman Green's season ending injury (sorry Ahman). I give thanks to Ron Jaworski for keeping MNF football somewhat watchable. I give thanks for a weak thanksgiving premise strung out far longer than it ever should have been.

Winner: Houston

Last Week: 9-6
Earlier This Week: 3-0
Overall: 91-57

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 13 Part 1

Since there are three Thanksgiving games tomorrow, I figured I should get my picks in beforehand (unlike last week). Since I am pressed for time at the moment, I am only going to do the three Thanksgiving games today and finish the rest, in the normal format, by Sunday. As is apropos, the picks will be Thanksgiving themed.

Tennessee @ Detroit

I am thankful for Tennessee playing in this game, because otherwise it would be unwatchable. With the Titans, it deserves at least a quick cursory glance, but that's about it. I am thankful for Kerry Collins' gamesmanship, and how everyone forgot that he is a racist alcoholic. I am thankful for Calvin Johnson and Daunte Culpepper because they are the only players on the team that anyone knows. They will save Collinsworth and Gumbel, or whoever else is doing this, from excessive dead air time. I am also thankful for CBS broadcasting on channel which people can watch. I would be more thankful, though, if there was a competitive game being played.

Winner: Tennessee

Seattle @ Dallas

I am thankful for homeless people and elderly couples with flat tires, because otherwise there would be no way for Tony Romo to show off how charitable he is. I am thankful for Jerry Jones' plastic face. I am thankful for teary-eyed press conferences where prima donnas repeat obvious things like "that's my quarterback." I am thankful for Homecoming Weekend in Dallas. The Jones family will surely have a wonderful time. I am thankful for multiple felons who are named after video game characters being allowed to play football after having spent more time in court, therapy and rehab than at practice. I am thankful for FOX broadcasting this game on a channel which people can actually watch.

Winner: Dallas

Arizona @ Philadelphia

I am thankful for desperate teams--from the coaches and front office down to the players. I am thankful for an 85-year old quarterback leading the NFL in passer rating and tied for first in prayers. I am thankful for Anquan Boldin's new face. I am thankful for Philadelphia's under-performance with and exceptionally talent roster, especially after they were a preseason Super Bowl pick by many. I am thankful for press conferences in which long-time NFL quarterbacks admit they don't know basic rules, but make up for it by using "which" every other sentence so that they sound slightly more intelligent. I am thankful for a sport forcing its players to play on a national, family-oriented holiday. I am thankful for the patriotism of Thanksgiving football. Nothing says America more than avoiding actually talking to your family on a family holiday, so that you can watch a brutally violent sport on television. "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..." I am not, however, thankful for the goddamn NFL Network and it's horrible policies regarding service providers.

Winner: Philadelphia (riding the despration train)

I'll BRB with the rest in the next few games. LOL! BTW LMAO!

20 Things I Enjoy More Than Watching the Broncos Right Now

I'm not going to dignify the Broncos' Week 12 effort with a detailed, analytical response.

Therefore, here are a list of things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose in a frustratingly embarrassing manner:

1. Creed
2. High School Musical
3. Watching Roseanne sing the National Anthem
4. Brett Favre
   
5. Shotgunning Natty Light
6. The New York Yankees
7. Passing a kidney stone
8. Sitting through a Wagnerian opera
9. Reading a Jane Austen novel
10. Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey
11. MTV
12. Vomiting
13. Standing in line at the DMV
14. Getting kicked in the groin
15. Watching The Vagina Monologues with Andrew Dice Clay
16. Getting stuck in rush-hour traffic
17. Hunting with Dick Cheney
18. Drinking the water in Mexico
19. Frank TV commercials
20. An evening with Pacman Jones

Those are just a few of the things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose the way they did yesterday.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 12

Whoopsies, little late. Well, I'm in this thing they call "school" and it is quiet time consuming, as well as tedious after 17+ years. So, my sincerest apologies to my one fan (whoever you are, thanks for the support).

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote(s) of the Week

This one will be a little series of awesomeness...

Troy Williamson on his beloved former coach, Brad Childress:

"If y'all can give this to coach Childress, we can meet on the 50-yard line. We can go at it. I'd even tie my hands around my back."

Very kinky, Troy.

Brad Childress on Williamson's proposal:

"I’m not like woman I’ll give you my weight. It’s 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite."

Even kinkier.

Jared Allen on this "fight:"

"He’s got a badass mustache. I put my money on whoever has a kickass mustache."

Kickass, bro. Though, I wouldn't call his mustache kickass. It's more like a come hang out in the back of my rusty van mustache. The real issue, though, is that Jared Allen is gambling. Pete Rose would be ashamed of Mr. Allen. Tisk. Tisk.

____________________________________________________________________

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Kinda late here, but why not? So, Roethlisberger has bodyguards that follow him around at all times. I guess he’s famous and doesn’t want to get injured by any haters. But my main question is: Where were these bodyguards on his fateful motorcycle ride. Shouldn’t at least one of them, as guards of his body, said something like, “Hey Ben, maybe you shouldn’t be riding a motorcycle at 80 mph without a helmet. That might, ya know, be worse than some member of the Dawg Pound challenging you to a fist fight. Maybe it’s just me.” Large Ben also has his own BBQ sauce, with the imaginative name Big Ben's BBQ. To that I say, Ultimate cage match 2008! Ed McCaffrey’s Horseradish Sauce vs. Big Ben’s BBQ Sauce. Ultimate showdown! There can be only one Highlander!

Winner: Eddie Mac's radish from horses sauce. That shit is good on Eddie Mac and Cheese. Why couldn't Rod Smith's name have been Rod Cheddar or Rod Limburger? Mac and Cheese would have been a dynamic nickname for a dynamic duo. (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)

Philadelphia @ Baltimore

Since actor/Eagles fan/songwriter/puzzle piece Ryan Phillipe picked the Eagles, I should probably pick them. He's the star of Gosford Park and Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare! But I'm not sold on them. Though the Giants went medieval on their buttocks last week, I still think the Ravens are a decent team. I seriously hope I'm wrong, though. Ryan Phillipe needs 8 wins to tie Gavin Rossdale of the hit band Bush!

Winner: Baltimore

Houston @ Cleveland

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you another short section from the screenplay for my upcoming film Shit Show...

Phil Savage arrives home after a long hard day of Brady Quinn calling him a fag. His wife has just finished dinner and the family sits down together for the meal.
Mrs. Savage: Honey, how was your day?
Phillip: Go root for Buffalo-Fuck you
Mrs. Savage: That's good, hun. Guess what! I took the kids to the zoo today to see the giraffes and the buffaloes.
Philly: Go marry a buffalo-Fuck you
Mrs. Savage: I know. It was a lot of fun.
Little Billy Savage: Papa, I got an A on my social studies test!
Philly Baby: Go have your test pay the bills-Fuck you

It continues as such for a while. I think it's pretty good. I especially like the bills/Bills wordplay there at the end of the excerpt. I would post the whole screenplay, but I'm under contractual obligations to Dreamworks Pictures to keep it on the hush hush.

Winner: Cleveland because of Sage Rosenfels and his sissy name.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit

Oh, Lions fans. I'm amazed that there are any of you out there, but you just keep sticking around. You're like John Travolta--there's absolutely no reason for you to still exist and yet, you do! You just won't go away. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you go 0-16. Then you can join the hallowed likes of the 1976 Buccaneers, whom you, rather ironically, play this Sunday. Jon Gruden works too hard to lose to you. He's diagramming plays while he bangs his wife. He is watching game film at his daughter's soccer game. Actually, Jon Gruden is too manly to have a soccer-playing daughter. She's probably an aspiring MMA fighter.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ Kansas City

Oh, Tyler Thigpen, you complete me (and my fantasy team). You went from being one of the worst quarterbacks ever to being one of the best performers in recent weeks. And Herm Edwards, he of having few coaching attributes besides playing to win the game, is your coach. You must be audibling at the line of scrimmage for every play. There's no way you could throw a touchdown on a Herm Edwards-called play. That is impossible. Also, Tyler, while I'm speaking to you, will you please spit in Larry Johnson's face in the huddle? That would be so satisfying.

Winner: Buffalo. My main man Trent Edwards will get back on track.

Chicago @ St. Louis

While we're talking about fantasy football, the Rams, like the Lions, are a frickin' goldmine. They're like buying an IPO of Microsoft. Or like being good bros with company insiders like Mark Cuban. Basically any player that you start against the Lions or Rams is guaranteed twenty points. Watch out now! Garret Wolfe might put up 30!

Winner: Chicago

Football Jets @ Tennesee

This game is TITANIC. Woo! Touchdown me. Anyways, this is a very significant game in terms of the playoff photograph. One if these teams is likely to get the first seed in the AFC. Kerry Collins could ride that home field advantage all the way to the Super Bowl and endorsements deals, while Brett Farve gunslings his way to the AFC championship on the road. Maybe Kerry Collins would start getting in commercials. Is he comfortable in wranglers? Does he wear faded #5 t-shirts when he's not being music city (un)miraculous for the Titans on Sunday? He'd at least be good for Country Music Television promos. It's not hard to be happy when I'm looking at you too, Kerry.

Winner: Football Jets

New England @ Miami

I guess people are warming up to Matt Cassell. People are even discussing if they should trade Tom Brady. Peter King talked about it in his weekly love poem to Brett Favre, I mean column. Does Matt Cassell wear Stetson Cologne? Are there any single supermodels for him to date? Does Matty have any children out of wedlock? These are the real questions you must ask when evaluating a quarterback.

Winner: Wildcat!

Minnesota @ Jacksonville

I have to continue with the Williamson-Childress soap opera. I really want to see them fight. If Williamson wins, he should be allowed to kill Childress' grandmother and take away Childress' paycheck for his bereavement week. If Childress wins, he has to fight Jack Del Rio. I'm curious to see if Childress' 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite are a match for Del Rio's 250 pounds of leather jacket-wearing former linebacker. Man, that would be hilarious to watch.

Winner: Jacksonville

San Fransisco @ Dallas

If you haven't heard, Marion Barber is like a closer in baseball. Al Michaels explained it to me for about 20 minutes last Sunday evening. He compared Barber to Brad Lidge. So what does that make the rest of the team? I guess Tony Romo has to be Cole Hamels. It goes without saying that Wade Phillips is Charlie Manuel. They are both jolly, old fat men--the Santa Claus's of their respective sports. I guess Jason Witten is Chase Fuckin' Utley, with less fuckin' profanity (lift your proud fists to the sky, Jayson Werth, to the glory of the word "fuckin'"). Jay Ratliff is Ryan Howard I guess, since they're both overweight and black. But who is Terrell Owens? I can't think of any whiny bitches on the Phillies. Oh well.

Winner: Dallas

Oakland @ Denver

Everyone is all aflutter about Spencer Larsen playing offense and defense (as well as special teams). With 95% of the Broncos starters injured, they might think of some other players who could play both sides. Ryan Clady should be getting snaps at defensive tackle, since nobody else on the Broncos can play that position. Jay Cutler played safety in high school, and the situation there is about the same as defensive tackle. Jamie Winborn could try out some wideout. Last Sunday showed that he can't catch balls thrown directly at him. He would fit right in with the Broncos receiving core, who happen to lead the NFL in dropped passes. He definitely has the personality of a wideout with his desire to celebrate after anything happens ever. Tackling for an 8 yard gain? Yell and pump your fists. 70 yard reception nowhere near Winborn? The sack dance. Touchdown for which Winborn was directly responsible? Bring out the props, because this is worth the penalty.

Winner: Denver

Carolina @ Atlanta

Matt Ryan has been Marino-esque in his rookie year, but he had a 71.5 passer rating against the Broncos defense. That's embarassing. Damon Huard did better than that. Bode well for Matt Ryan, that does not. Now Ryan faces the somehow 8-2 Panthers with their fifth ranked pass defense. Momentum is not on Atlanta's side. Add to that, their former quarterback and puppy cuddler, Michael Vick, plans to play in the NFL when he is released next summer. He might be able to play running back for the Bengals.

Winner: Carolina

Football Giants @ Arizona

Kurt Warner and his lord and savior Jesus Christ are leading the NFL in passer rating, by a lot. He is also a free agent at the end of the season and has told Mrs. Warner that he's strongly considering retiring, probably to enter priesthood. Remember Matt Leinart? The guy who couldn't pass the ball with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin as his wide receivers? Well, he's still alive and he's got a future WNBA-playing daughter to support. He could very well be the Cardinals starting QB next year. The Cardinals better win the Super Bowl this year. Leinart might win one game for them for the remainder of his career. How Leinart and Vince Young were picked ahead of Jay Cutler amazes me every Sunday.

Winner: Football Giants. Sorry, not sold on the run-less Cardinals.

* This thing is getting way too long without the bye weeks. I'm going to keep the next few short and sweet, just in case anybody has made it this far.

Washington @ Seattle

Mike Holmgren is fat and has a mustache.

Winner: Washington

Indianapolis @ San Diego

Philip Rivers is an asshole and I hope he dies by plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle. Peyton Manning probably knows that you can't tie in a commercial.

Winner: Indianapolis

Green Bay @ New Orleans

Drew Brees has a leech on his face. Remember when Brett Favre used to be on the Packers and hadn't completely destroyed his reputation? Those were the days.

Winner: Green Bay

Last Week: 9-7 (counted the tie as a loss for me)
Overall: 79-51

Denver Broncos: Beware the Trap Game

Let's reminisce, shall we? The date? September 28, 2008. The place? Arrowhead Stadium. The situation? The 3-0 Denver Broncos saunter into Kansas City to face the 0-3 Chiefs.

The Broncos, coming off three heart-stopping victories thanks to their high-octane offense, were supposed to waltz into KC and wipe the floor with a team that hadn't won a football game since October 21, 2007.

Funny thing happened on the way to that victory though.

Nobody told the Chiefs.

In a sloppy game that included a fumble each from Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal, and two interceptions by Cutler, the Chiefs gained 213 yards on the ground and trampled the Broncos 33-19.

Fast forward to today.

• B/R Ticket Guide
• Denver Broncos @ New York Jets
  on Sun, Nov 30 at 1:00PM
  Tickets from
  $38

Coming off two comeback wins against the Browns and Falcons, the Broncos have played with a rejuvenated confidence epitomized by Jay Cutler taking control in the fourth quarter of each game to lead his team down the field and onto victory.

At 6-4 and with a two game lead in the AFC West, the Broncos are in the driver's seat and on the fast track to a playoff spot as they welcome the lowly Raiders into Invesco Field at Mile High on Sunday.

The Broncos, however, need to beware.

Yes, the Raiders haven't scored an offensive touchdown in the last three weeks, and yes, they've only tallied nine offensive touchdowns all season. They're 2-8, disjointed on defense, anemic on offense, and their best player is kick returner Johnnie Lee Higgins.

But that doesn't mean the Broncos will win by simply showing up.

Their win against the Falcons was arguably their most solid victory of the season. The offense's four drives in the second half went touchdown, field goal, touchdown, victory formation, and their porous run defense held the Falcons high-powered rushing attack to just 113 yards.

They need to build off the momentum created by that success against a tough Falcons squad, and not simply look ahead to their November 30 tilt against the New York Jets in the Big Apple.

If they take the Raiders for granted, it could be deja vu all over again.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 11

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Let's go with something apropos.

Dan O'Dowd on Greg Smith:

"He really knows how to carve people up."

Is that such a good thing? Come on, it's almost thanksgiving. For the record, if I see Greg Smith carving people up, I will call the police.

_____________________________________________________________________

New York Jets @ New England

So the Patriots are 6-3 without Tom Brady and the Jets are 6-3 with Brett Favre. I'm confused. Football is on Thursday night before Thanksgiving. Confused again. The NFL made it's own network with exclusive rights to highly watchable games such as this. Okay, that makes perfect sense. Four people in the entire world can watch the NFL Network, and that includes the people who work on the show. Now I'm confused again.

Winner: New England

Denver @ Atlanta

Remember Tatum Bell? He had a 99 purse stealing attribute in Madden. He also had a -99 in carrying. For some reason Mike Shanahan chose Tatum because he knew the offense, because "has played well when he has played here," and "he was the only one left." Was Mike Bell shipwrecked in the Bermuda Triangle or something? He had eight touchdowns in 2006. He did well before the coaching staff decided he no longer deserved to play in 2007. Let's not forget, Tatum Bell redefined the phrase "fumble prone" in 2006. I don't get it. Just like I don't get how Mike Smith can coach up his crappy defense so well. Cutler better throw well.

Winner: Atlanta (Last week I picked against the Broncos and they won. Fingers crossed.)

Detroit @ Carolina

I bet those crazy coaches are going to start Drew Stanton now. He's had a year and nine games to learn the offense. But Daunte Culpepper is Daunte Culpepper! He can scramble and throw exceptionally well! Oh wait, it's not 2004. Culpepper had a couple days to learn this "offense" and he blows without Randy Moss. I wonder how many wins Jon Kitna declared the Lions would have this year. P.S. Never come out of retirement to quarterback the Lions; it's just common sense.

Winner: Carolina

Philadelphia @ Cincinnati

Ryan Fitzpatrick cajoled his Ivy League education into a victory against the Jaguars before their bye week, while a group of barely educated convicts supported him on offense and defense. Congratulations, Bengals, you are no longer as embarrassing as the Lions. You've won one whole game! Amazing! I'd kind of like to know, though, one single coaching skill Marvin Lewis in which Marvin Lewis excels. He's supposed to be a defensive guru, but his defenses have always been devastatingly bad. He can't motivate. If he dropped his pants, his players would probably steal his wallet. He can't player evaluate, since most of his team has been arrested. He can't really do anything.

Winner: Philadelphia

New Orleans @ Kansas City

Want to know something disturbing? Tyler Thigpen has a 104.6 passer rating over the last three games and that includes a game against the good Buccaneers defense and a the respectable Jets defense. He's fast, has a strong arm and, from what I've seen lately, is quite accurate. I guess he has a quick learning curve, because in weeks 2-3 he made J.T. O'Sullivan look like a Hall of Famer.

Winner: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Football Giants

Some people have been calling the 08 Giants one of the best teams of all time. Uh... no. They're very good, but definitely not the best. If Eli Manning is your quarterback, you are not among the best teams of all time. Eli and Earth, Wind & Fire will have a lot to show against the Ravens stout D this week. On the other side, the Ravens 3-man, fantasy-murdering rushing attack will have to man-up against Fred Robbins and Co. Something intriguing: the Ravens offensive line averages 24.4 years of age. Quite astonishing, actually, for the team with the third most rushing yards in the NFL.

Winner: Football Giants

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay

That was a big win against the Packers last week. Who would have thought Mason "Mr. Charisma" Crosby would have missed that field goal with his exceptional leg? And who would have thought a man of that size could do karate? This week, Brad "I'm just going around the neighborhood letting everyone know that I'm a convicted sex offender" Childress faces off against Jon "I work so hard I haven't seen my kids in 10 years" Gruden. The Bucs hope Cadillac Williams will rejuvenate their rushing attack and, basically horrible offense in general. Maybe he would once upon a 2005.

Winner: Minnesota

Oakland @ Miami

Last year, if this game happened, the NFL would have committed suicide. Luckily for everyone involved, the Dolphins are actually decent, though their fancy, new-fangled single wing offense is sputtering. What is this? The Great Depression? The Oakland Raiders, meanwhile, are scoring 12.6 points per game and are virtually unwatchable. Just score a touchdown, baby!

Winner: Miami

Chicago @ Green Bay

I bet Brett Favre called Rex Grossman to tell him about what kind of offense he ran while he was in Green Bay. Here are my guesses for the main points:
1. Gunsling
2. Throw as hard as you can
3. Heave the ball wildly at any player you see
I think Grossman had number three on lock. We'll see how he adapts to one and two.

Winner: If Grossman plays, Green Bay. If Orton plays, Chicago.

Houston @ Indianapolis

Matt Schaub is still out with a knee injury, so it's Sage Rosenfels. Of course every game he's played in, they've lost. His name is Sage. An offense needs a QB with a name they can get behind. Hunter or Shooter or Maximus or Brett Favre. Even Bearded McGunslinger.

Winner: Indianapolis

St. Louis @ San Fransisco

I know this game must occur twice, but seriously. Can't they just split the series and not subject anyone to this shit show? The 49ers gave it a hell of a go there at the end against the Cardinals, but their clock management was embarrassing. Also, what's the deal with the touching/falling over/tackle rule? Frank Gore clearly was unaffected by the d-lineman who touched him. He fell over by himself. That should have been a touchdown. If the rule book needs to be changed for that to be a TD, change it.

Winner: San Fransisco

Arizona @ Seattle

Matt Hasselbeck is finally back. He doesn't really have much for which to return. Julius Jones has been running the ball decently, but his wide receivers are weak. Maybe that's why he has been bald his whole life. I don't think the Seahawks have had consistently good wide receivers since Hasselbeck arrived there. He should ask for a 12th man on offense.

Winner: Arizona

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

Tennessee is still unbeaten. Somehow. Some people are calling Kerry Collins the MVP--Tom Jackson, Woody Paige. He has a 78.8 passer rating. He's thrown 5 touchdowns. Simply because he is the quarterback for an undefeated team does no make him the MVP. He isn't even the MVP of his own team. Chris Johnson, Albert Haynesworth, and pretty much any member of their very good offensive and defensive lines--all these players are more valuable than Kerry Collins to his own team. Yes, he doesn't throw ten interceptions per game and cry when he is booed like Vince Young. Being better than Vince Young doesn't make you MVP, it makes you 97% of the NFL.

Winner: Jacksonville

San Diego @ Pittsburgh

I think Shawne Merriman gave Philip "the sun is in my eyes, bro" Rivers some steroids for his body and brain. There's no way he is this good. Not even close. Just look at his face; he's an idiot... and an a-hole. He also can't throw the ball more than ten yards. Something nefarious is going on with this jerk.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Dallas @ Washington

I guess Jessica Simpson kissed Tony Romo's pinky and made it better. Now he's back and so is the Dallas offense. Unfortunately, Romo's return is poorly timed for the Redskins, as Clinton Portis is unlikely for the game. Probably no Hip Hip Hoorays for Jim Zorn. Daniel Snyder will murder you if you fail.

Winner: Dallas

Cleveland @ Buffalo

So the Browns are mad at Kellen Winslow for telling the press he had a staph infection. Okay, they wanted to keep it in the locker room. That's understandable. But... EVERYONE SAID THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIS BALLS. Is it not understandable for him to let everyone know that he doesn't have syphilis or something? Calm down there, Browns.

Winner: Buffalo

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 70-44

Big Trade for Big Daddy

Wow, I'm like the Bill Paxton of Windows Paint.

As you, me and most indigenous tribes deep in the Amazon who have never spoken to the outside world have heard, Matt Holliday has been traded to the Oakland Athletics for Carlos Gonzalez, Greg Smith and Huston Street.

Allow me to preface this by saying that the Rockies are my #1 favorite baseball team. But... the A's are my #1a. I love them nearly as dearly as my beloved Rockies. So, I have watched, rooted for and read about all four players very extensively. Luckily for me, I can't lose here. For both teams, and their fans, there is plenty to lose. So, I will look at this trade as objectively as I can for both teams, player by player.

Matt Holliday

He's the face of the franchise and has been the team MVP for two years running (at least by my count). Losing him is not an easy thing for the Rockies. That being said, he was on his way to free agency and a contract that would exceed the GDP of every country in the European Union combined. Now, I think people realize the 2007 Disney movie that was the Rockies team is over and the credits are through rolling. It isn't financially viable for the Rockies to buy Scott Boras a new beach-front house with a Holliday contract. That's why the Holliday firesale occured and O'Dowd picked the highest bidder, which turned out to be the A's. What the A's get is an established right-handed bat in a heavily left-handed lineup. He has one year with the A's in 2009 and then heads into free agency. The A's aren't dumb enough to pay one corner outfielder $25 mil a year well into his mid-thirties, no matter how good he is. Billy Beane is essentially playing real estate agent here. He will probably leverage the crap out of Holliday and see if he can't Sabathia him into a greater return than what he gave to the Rockies. If he can't find a deal, he'll let Holliday go to the Yankees, Red Sox, Angels, Dodgers, Mets or anyone else who can overpay him, while Beane collects his two first round draft picks. There is, of course, a relatively decent chance that the A's (Holliday's Godzilla bat in tow) can overtake the overrated and aging Angels in the AL West and be a contender. If this is the case, they may pay Holliday to stick around and be their franchise as they finalize a move to Fremont, but this is very unlikely. Holliday is basically a new, and valuable, trading chip for Billy Beane, probably not much more.

Carlos Gonzalez

This guy craps talent and pisses ability. He can play average to decent center field right now (and exceptional right field when Dexter Fowler is ready) and he has the potential to hit 30 home runs. A good center fielder who can hit 30 home runs is about as common as a an uninjured Broncos running back. When you find a player with that ability, you grab on and hold tight. That being said, CarGon (or C-Gon) is very unrefined. He has suspect plate discipline (0.16 BB/K ratio in his major league stint), which is probably why Beane traded him. In the minors, he didn't consistently display his talent in the stat column (career .813 OPS in the minors). Still, his talent is hard to match. His speed, power and arm strength all grade as well above average and his arm is exceptional. What O'Dowd has gone for in CarGon is pure, unadulterated talent. He could be a better fielding Grady Sizemore, or he could be a talented bench player who can't seem to put it together. CarGon is by no means can't miss, but if he's a hit, he'll be an out of the parker. It is a ballsy move by the gambling O'Dowd.

Greg Smith

Nibbles, as he has been unaffectionately called, is a soft-tossing lefty that won't blow you away, but will be effective. His fastball averages 87.6 mph, but he can place it where he wants. Probably his best pitch is his cutter/slider that ranges from 80-86 mph. He'll also serve up a passable change-up and a pretty good hook. Nibbles has outstanding command of all of his pitches (except maybe the curve). His problem, though, is that he spends too much time trying to place each pitch on the black (hence the nickname). In the minors, he rarely walked people (2.64 BB/9), but in the majors he got preoccupied with nibbling at the corners and gave up 87 free passes in 190.1 innings. He can strike people out, but he's no Tim Lincecum, so he can't get to caught up placing everything right on the edge of the plate. At the same time, Coors Field is not going to keep balls in the park like the Coliseum. His 34.2% fly ball rate and 45.5% ground ball rate are not particularly good signs for Smith. He may be watching a lot of big flies from the mound. That being said, he is a much better back end of the rotation guy than Jason Hirsh and Franklin Morales. A rotation of Cook, Jimenez, Francis, Smith and De La Rosa/whoever wins the job is much improved over last year's. Smith won't be flashy or exceptional, but he will eat 190+ innings and give you a chance to win. Expect a 4.50 era out of him, but many a home run. P.S. Though it is not much more than ancillary, Greg Smith has one of the best pickoff moves in baseball.

Huston Street

The rumors are saying that O'Dowd wants to turn around and deal Street elsewhere. I'm inclined to agree. Streeter was a great pitcher. Was. And Buchholz and Corpas are capable late relievers. Let's play a game. It's called Fastball Velocity and Our Economy: Plummet Away...
2006 - 91.7 mph
2007 - 90.4 mph
2008 - 90.0 mph
Now let's play Walking Batters and NFL Fines: Soar to the Heavens...
2006 - 1.66 BB/9
2007 - 2.16 BB/9
2008 - 3.47 BB/9
Streeter is by no means a bad pitcher, but he is also showing signs of decline. O'Dowd more or less picked him up for his reputation. If that is the case, and he turns around and trades Street for something better but less reputable, then, for the first time in my life, I will commend Dan O'Dowd for his baseball intelligence (but it will probably be the only time). If the Rockies keep him, Streeter will be a functional but expensive (he has two years left of arbitration raises) reliever. If the Rockies trade him for good players, well done O'Dowd.

Conclusion

Basically, Billy Beane picked himself up a fancy and expensive house. He's going to paint it, maybe refurnish the kitchen, and pitch it to someone else for a higher price. Beane got O'Dowd to buy in on CarGon's potential and Streeter's reputation. Nibbles is a throw in that will hold a rotation spot, but not really excel. Holliday will net the A's either two first round picks or multiple prospects that will be as good (but at more needed positions) or better than CarGon, Streeter and Nibbles. This is probably a loss for the Rockies and a win for the A's. Who knows though? Perhaps CarGon will be the next Sizemore/Beltran and Smith will be the second coming of Tom Glavine, while Street picks up other good prospects. At this point, though, O'Dowd should put a for sale sign on Garrett Atkins and Todd Helton, and see what he can get. Helton would be salary dumping, while Koshansky fills his spot. Atkins and maybe Street could get a very good return package (obviously, it's time for Ian "Do You Think I'm Sexy" Stewart to play third). Maybe throw in Willy Taveras and the Rockies will have cleaned up a bit of a mess and moved on for their next push at a playoff run (maybe 2010). Hawper in left, D-Fowl in center, and CarGon in right could be quite an outfield. I guess we'll have to wait and see if O'Dowd didn't get fleeced.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 10

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Mike Shanahan on testing his Viagra on Michael Pittman:

"He got some numbness and continued to gut it out. Obviously, the rest is history. But anytime you have numbness 24 to 48 hours later like he has, it's not a good sign."

Please consult a medical physician, Mr. Pittman

_________________________________________________________________________________

Denver @ Cleveland

Why is there a Thursday night game already? Shouldn't that be saved for Thanks-frickin-giving? Fine, NFL, make me do my picks by Thursday, you inexorable bastards. Speaking of bastards... the Broncos are terrible. Like Bengals/Lions terrible. Sure they have talent, but they look like they are playing football for the first time every game. As if he hadn't already lived an extremely privileged life, The Gay Basher 2: Men in Tights gets his first career start against the Broncos. Considering how awful the Broncos D was before all the injuries, with the injuries, Quinn will probably throw for 600 yards and 6 tds, with a 100yd receiving td. Fantasy players, take note.

Winner: For the first time, picking against my beloved Broncos, the Browns. Ugh.

New Orleans @ Atlanta

After not allowing the vicious Raiders to score a single point, they face off with his royal leech face, Drew Brees, who happens to be leading the NFL in passing yards. The key matchup for this game is probably Brees vs. CB Chevis Jackson because... who the fuck is Chevis Jackson? I'll give anyone a dollar if they can name anybody on the Falcons defense besides Keith Brooking and Jon Abraham. That goes for Falcons fans too. A bonus fifty cents to anyone who can name at least three of their offensive lineman.

Winner: N'leans

Tennessee @ Chicago

Remember Rex Grossman? Oh, how I missed him. Well, he didn't throw 14 interceptions with 10 fumbles lest week in relief of the injured Kyle Orton. He only threw 1 int. And he had a 47.9 passer rating. What would football do without Rex Grossman? I nearly forgot about him. Now, the first place Bears may have to rely on his golden arm to keep the Packers and Vikings at bay for a game or two. Oh, Kyle Orton claims he's going to play. Well, sometimes Kyle Orton has a few too many Crystal Lights and says a lot of things.

Winner: Tennessee

Jacksonville @ Detroit

Jack Del Rio reportedly sent Mike Peterson home from practice recently for undisclosed reasons. There have been rumors that it was punishment for Peterson flexing his muscles after a tackle last Sunday against the Bengals. I completely empathize with Del Rio. If I lost to the Bengals, I wouldn't just send my defensive captain home, I'd send my whole team home. Actually, I'd just put them in timeout to think about what they did. When your team let's Ryan Fitzpatrick throw 2 tds and run for 50 yards, you don't deserve to be playing football. Your coach wears a god damn leather jacket on the sidelines. How does that not inspire you to win? Del Rio should probably force them to do pre-game warm-ups in leather jackets, Tom Kite hats, and girls volleyball tights. That'd scare Daunte Culpepper back into retirement.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Houston

That's right Terrell Suggs, Flacco just put a bounty on you! Troy Smith is gonna be on the sidelines for a while. He carved them there Browns D like a Thanksgiving turkey. Woo! That's when you know you have truly arrived as an NFL quarterback, when you are able to look good against the Browns D.

Winner: Baltimore

Seattle @ Miami

Mustache Party 2008! Bring your mustaches and distinguished visages, because this is gonna be a barn-burner. Yeee-haw! I think the NFL is the only sport where a mustachioed head coach is not shunned, but encouraged. You've got Holmgren and Sparano, obviously. Also, Reid, Crennel, Brad Childress has a power 'stache, Dungy, Edwards, Singletary, and Fisher. That means that 9 of the 32 NFL head coaches sport mustaches. That's a 28 % mustache rate. But how many assistant coaches rock the upper lip warmer? 20? 40? All of them?

Winner: Miami

Green Bay @ Minnesota

While Grossman and the Bears try to maintain first place, this game decides who will be in second (or at least tied for first). Remember when these two teams were the best teams ever? They were practically shoe-ins for the playoffs and were both sleepers to make it to the Super Bowl. It just goes to show you the wisdom of ESPN football analysts. Speaking of which, I think Mike Ditka is becoming the Lou Holtz of pro football. He's rambling, incoherent, and talks about the team he used to coach constantly. Does the Vikings D-Line remind you of the Fridge and the gang? Is Ryan Grant half as sweet as Sweetness?

Winner: Green Bay in a close one

Buffalo @ New England

These two are currently in a football three way with the New York Football Jets of all teams. And the Dolphins aren't far behind. What was once New England's division by a landslide, is now like the American political spectrum, all cramped in the middle. With the Football Jets playing the Rams, the division will likely end up in a two way tie. So who will it be? Darth Vader and the Sign-Stealers? Or Beast Mode and the 5-3 Huh???

Winner: In a slight home-field nudge, the Patriots

St. Louis @ Football Jets

Like I said before, this should be easy for the Jets. The Rams can't run, pass or score points. They are also second to last in points allowed. Despite their awful defense, Brett Favre will gunsling them at least three interceptions, keeping this game at least close. In the end, though, Favre's grittiness and raw winningnessability will win it. I mean, Favre could fight five bears at once and fell them all with one mighty punch. Plus, he's comfortable in Wrangler.

Winner: Football Jets

Carolina @ Oakland

Oh, how I love it when the Raiders fail. They had 77 total net yards. Are you kidding me? That's more beautiful than Keira Knightley. Meanwhile the Panthers have been riding their mediocrity to first place. They are right in the middle of the pack in total defense and total offense. They should probably see if John Daly is still passed out in front of that Hooters. He might be able to play a good nose tackle.

Winner: Carolina

Indianapolis @ Pittsburgh

So Peyton Manning is back is he? We'll see against the Steelers. Their defense completely embarrassed the Redskins offense, now it's Peyton's turn. He'll have to do his job, since the Colts defense has caught the injury bug. Dwight Freeney is out with, I believe, a Napoleon Complex. All of their corners are out with flat zone coverage exhaustion. And, of course, Peyton is still questionable because of an elongated forehead.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Kansas City @ San Diego

Is Larry Johnson going to be back or did he spit in Herm Edwards' face? Who knows? I do know that I was completely wrong about Tyler Thigpen. He is a non-stop wrecking force. In other news, David Eckstein will hit 45 home runs next year. Jose Theodore will reclaim his Vezina and Hart Trophies. Allen Iverson will average 20 assists per game. And Landon Donovan will be good at soccer.

Winner: San Diego

Football Giants @ Philadelphia

Alas, everyone's favorite little puppy, Eli Manning, has returned to form after some down weeks. Hell, I thought he returned to form during those down weeks, but anything can happen (see Tyler Thigpen). He and his running backs will have a difficult time, though, against the Eagles D-line. I know everyone thinks the Giants offensive line is superhuman or something, but let's wait and see. I bet the sacks the Giants allow are directly proportional to an increase in reddish hue in Tom Coughlin's face.

Winner: Football Giants

San Fransisco @ Arizona

Normally, I would think this would be a boring game, but Mike Singletary could drop his pants at any moment! Ken Whisenhunt should put on some basketball pants and make his inspirational depanstings more dramatic. It would be a pants-off war. If only, Lt. Kellen Winslow was on one of these teams.
Winner: Arizona

Last Week: 8-6
Overall: 60-39

Holliday Looks to Jump Ship

As the days creep towards the 2009 Major League Baseball season, it seems less and less likely that our resident superstar, Colorado Rockies outfielder Matt Holliday, will be donning the purple pinstripes for Opening Day.

Normally not the type of player to air his dirty laundry out in the media, Holliday is apparently trying a new tact of expressing his true feelings, regardless of who is listening.

In a recent Denver Post article, it appears Holliday has grown increasingly frustrated with the treatment that he has received from the Rockies' front office and what he deems are low-ball contract offers drawn up by Dealin' Dan.

The latest contract offer cited in the article was a four-year, $72 million deal with a $12 million option. Holliday rejected the offer in part because he wasn't sold on the organization's commitment to winning.

"I specifically don't want to spend my career collecting paychecks and having October off. I want to be in a situation where I feel like I can make the postseason every year, not only if the perfect storm comes together," Holliday said.

To me, that quote was not only a subtle dig at the career of Rockies legend Todd Helton, but also an admission that the miracle "Rocktober" run to the 2007 World Series was a fluke and nothing more.

It shows that Holliday doesn't believe that his teammates are willing or able to bring a title to Colorado and he shudders at the thought of being an iconic talent on a perennial loser like Helton has been.

With Holliday's current contract expiring at the end of the 2009 season, he's likely to command a contract upwards of a six or seven-year deal worth somewhere in the neighborhood of $150 million. With the penny-pinching Monfort Brothers in charge, there is almost no chance that the Rockies will even be in the discussions with the slugger.

Of course, Holliday is represented by sports' biggest snake, Scott Boras, who is never coy about his desire to manipulate his clients into ditching any of their team-first tendencies in the effort to attain top dollar. (Just look at what he did to Manny Ramirez in Boston.) If we do indeed end up trading Holliday, we can look at the moment he came under Boras' tutelage as the beginning of the end of his tenure in the Mile High City.

Holliday has always said that he, not Boras, will have the last word on whether or not he will choose to stay with the only club he's ever known. Looking at these latest comments, however, makes me believe that Boras has had more of an influence than we would like to believe.

From the "hot stove" rumblings that have been reported thus far, it appears that Dealin' Dan is in contact with many teams and has made it perfectly clear that Holliday is available for the right price. (Or David Price, possibly?)

As Holliday becomes publicly disgruntled with the state of the franchise, O'Dowd's hand may be forced to make a deal sooner rather than later, and there is no shortage of teams on the open market who could use a career .319 hitter who has averaged 32 home runs and 113 RBI in the last three seasons.

Holliday's bags are packed and he's ready to go, but don't be shocked if he doesn't wake us up to say goodbye.

The T-Rex Era is Now Extinct

With Dealin' Dan O'Dowd more than willing to shake up the Rockies roster this offseason, the first word out of the GM meetings in California is that O'Dowd is already starting to make waves within his own organization.

The first move was made this morning when he placed a call to closer Brian Fuentes and told him any one of these three lines:

1. "It's not you, it's me."

2. "I like you, but I'm not in like with you."

3. "Though you are the Rockies' all-time saves leader and were lights-out for most of the season, never complained once about your demotion from the closer's role, nor became smug when you regained it successfully, we'd much rather not try to bring you back to the ballclub. Instead, we're going to replace you with a guy who just finished an inconsistent season while getting paid the money that should rightfully be yours."

Any one of those three lines would suffice.

This is a major mistake by Dealin' Dan and the Monfort brothers (team owners Charlie and Dick). Though much has been made about the true value of a closer in baseball's current sabermetric world, the bottom line is that Fuentes was nails for much of the year.

He saved 30 games, his fourth consecutive year with more than 20. At one point, he saved 17 consecutive games, including a stretch between Aug. 15 and Sept. 17 in which, in 13 innings, he gave up three hits and two walks and struck out 24. He was so unbelievably unhittable that he made Rockies fans forget his, ahem, "hiccup" on last year's disastrous 1-9 road trip at the end of June.

Though Fuentes could reportedly command a contract upwards of three years and $39 million, the Rockies should try to pony up the dough to bring back T-Rex. He's coming off a year in which he was as dominant as ever. His fastball had new life, frequently hitting the mid-90s on the radar gun, and his changeup and slider routinely baffled batters.

Fuentes, though 33, is an attractive piece on the free agent market; the Mets, Angels, and Indians, among others, have shown significant interest thus far. He's seen as a less-costly option to the market's marquee free-agent closer, the Angels' Francisco Rodriguez.

The Rockies are combing the free agent market for a shutdown arm to pick up the slack in the late innings, but what Dealin' Dan doesn't realize is that he already had one on his own roster. Come 2009, don't be surprised if Fuentes gets a phone call in the middle of the night from a sobbing Dan O'Dowd, crying about how he was the best the GM ever had.

The Broncos and the Injury Bug: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

Just when you thought it couldn't get any worse...

With the Broncos' beleaguered defense already dealing with the absence of its best player, Champ Bailey, who's out for another three weeks with a groin injury, now the news of the hour is that its second best player, linebacker DJ Williams, will miss a month or possibly the rest of the season with ligament damage in his left knee.

Williams, the team leader in total tackles (77) and solo tackles (57), has been enjoying a resurgence in his play after an offseason move back to his original position of weak side linebacker. He also racked up 2.5 sacks before succumbing to the Broncos' snake-bitten ways.

So where do the Broncos go from here? With the Flying Bailey Brothers, Williams, and now free safety Marlon McCree also questionable for Thursday night's contest with Cleveland, are the Broncos going to be able to scrounge up 11 able-bodied players to line up opposite the opposing offense?

No word yet on whether Mike Shanahan and the Broncos are considering Marky Mark Wahlberg Invincible-esque tryouts yet, but I'll be sure to keep you posted.

Addendum: Since writing this article, the Broncos have placed two more top contributors on the injured reserve list in starting running back Michael Pittman and backup butterfinger Andre Hall.

That means our historically successful running game will be reduced to a rookie with three NFL carries to his name who is coming off major elbow surgery and a former starter who will wind up about 1,500 yards short of his public boast to rush for over 2,000 yards this season. Oh, and he hasn't played since Week 5. Ryan Torain and Selvin Young, the onus is now on you to bring us out of our offensive funk.

Good luck...you're going to need it.

And we're still in first place how???

I'm only doing this for the sake of catharsis.

I'm sick and tired of writing about the shortcomings of my beloved Broncos and how they continue to contribute to the downward spiral that is becoming the 2008 season.

Since starting out the year 3-0, the Broncos have gone 1-4, and it's been the same story over and over again in each one of their increasingly frustrating defeats: sluggish offense, bad defense, and turnovers. Unfortunately, today was no exception.

The turnover parade started early on as "the Cut Man" thought he should be the one to begin the festivities by tossing it straight into the hands of Dolphins safety Jason Allen on the third play of the game. Not to be outdone, two possessions later, Cutler did the Dolphins an even greater service by throwing his first touchdown of the day.

The fact that it was to the other team is of no consequence on these pages. It was destined to be that kind of contest.

Cutler would end up throwing three picks, and for a while, in the first half, looked like he flat-out forgot how to play football. Cutler was able to pick it up in the second half to finish the day with 307 yards passing and two touchdowns, his first 300-yard passing day since Week Four, but the damage had long been done thanks to the Dolphins forcing the Broncos into becoming a one-dimensional offensive offense.

The Broncos finished this game with 14 rushing yards, or slightly more than everyone who contributes articles about those players here on Bleacher Report. It was the second-fewest yards in team history and solidified the sad fact that the Broncos' once-vaunted running attack under Mike Shanahan has been reduced to a running-back-by-committee, where the guy with the fewest Band-Aids gets the bulk of the carries.

I won't even mention the phantom pass-interference call that nullified the 77-yard Cutler to Marshall touchdown. Oops...

The defense finally put together a decent day but couldn't come through when the Broncos had a chance to climb back in the fourth quarter. With the turnovers and prime field position the Dolphins were given all game, the defense could have easily folded up like they had previously and taken home another Patriot-like pounding. Instead, they fought and clawed and stopped the 'Phins offense from reaching the end zone...Until their final drive.

With the score 19-17, and the Dolphins facing a 3rd-and-19, the Broncos were poised to get the ball back with about five minutes remaining. Instead, they allow an 18.5-yard pass play to Ronnie Brown and the ensuing successful 4th-and-inches run.

A few plays later, the Broncos had the 'Phins on the ropes once more with a 3rd-and-13 that was erased on a Ricky Williams reception. Ronnie Brown would eventually punch it in to increase the lead to 26-17 and send the Broncos back to the drawing board, as they'll have a short week in preparing for Thursday night's showdown with the Cleveland Browns.

I still don't feel any better about the game, but at least I'm not a Lions fan.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 9

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jay Cutler on his bye week back home in Nashville:

"It was good to get a break and get refreshed a little bit."

_________________________________________________________________________

Football Jets @ Buffalo

A hard-fought divisional battle between rivals from the same state. The self-proclaimed "New York" Jets aren't actually from New York. They are just afraid of admitting to being from New Jersey. It's okay Jets, I would be too. I don't think there are actually any gardens in that state, only black and green lakes that may or may not contain nuclear waste. Plus there are lots of people who tear the sleeves of their t-shirts and slick back their hair. Gross. On another note, the Bills do not actually have anyone on their team named "Bill." This is misleading and should be rectified. There are no players in the NFL officially named Bill, so they should at least sign or trade for a Billy, like Volek or Miller.

Winner: Buffalo (no)Bills

Detroit @ Chicago

Roy E. Williams is no longer stuck catching Dan Orlovsky passes. Now he gets Brad Johnson passes! Wow, that sucks. The Lions and the Bengals should place high-stakes bets on who will be the first to win a game. My money is on neither. Can these teams be relocated, taken apart and rebuilt from scratch? I hear Oklahoma City likes sports franchises.

Winner: Chicago

Jacksonville @ Cincinnati

Continuing from before, Ohio already has plenty of well-liked sports franchises--Indians, Cavaliers, Buckeyes, even the frickin' Browns. It's not like the Bengals have a chance this year, or probably in the next five. They have been probably the worst franchise when you take into account their entire existence (damn you, Raiders). Since the NFL may expand to Canada with the Bills, I say the Bengals go south and become the Mexico City Gorditas or the Mexico City Chalupas. Oh wait--if there was a Taco Bell in Mexico it would probably be bombed for committing treason against a revered culinary tradition.

Winner: Jacksonville

Baltimore @ Cleveland

Don't look now, but the Ravens are one game behind the Steelers in the standings. Might I add that they are doing it with His Royal Unibrow at QB. Their second best defense (yards-wise) and a fantasy-killing menage a trois at running back (please just give McClain the goal-line carries, for frick's sake) is helping take the load off Delaware Joe. Maybe they'll bust out more gadget plays with Flacco making some catches. That sucker can run. Well, sort of. Speaking of gadgets, stay away from Kellen Winslow. Speaking of Winslow and the Browns crappiness, I think the Browns have a staff infection. Get it? Cause they're coaches, and franchise as a whole, are terrible? Probably the best joke I've ever written, perhaps anyone has ever written.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Kansas City

Oh, lordy lord, why would thee make this game exist? Ever? I spit in this game's face. If I was commentating for this game I would probably quit. Or just do stand up instead of subjecting people to this hideous monstrosity. What's the latest Dane Cook bit? Something about stomping around and yelling a lot? Yeah, probably that. Most people would rather just look at pictures of Jeff Garcia's wife. Seriously, how did that happen? The poor girl is wasting her good genes on a west coast system QB who looks like a pederast and makes hand gestures like this.

Winner: Jeff Garcia, hands down. Also, Tampa Bay

Houston @ Minnesota

So it's the Williams sisters vs. Schaub, Slaton, and the sports team who hails from the state of Texas that had no better ideas for a team mascot than the god damn Texans. It looks like the Tennessee Tennesseeans really have control of the AFC South, but you can't count out the Indianapolis Indianans and their playoff ubiquity. The Jacksonville Floridians also have the skill on the lines and a good running game to be real contenders. In the land of creativitylessness, who knows what will happen? As for the Minnesota Minnesotans, they are like so fat. OMG! If I weighed 350 lbs and got suspended for taking illegal diuretics to lose weight, I would... Well, I would take my six figure per game salary and buy one Playstation 3. If I saved up, I might be able to get one game as well.

Winner: Houston. Offense wins a game for once

Arizona @ St. Louis

The Cardinals are in first gosh darn effing place, by two games. They have no running game and a weak defense. His Lord's Servant, Kurt Warner, must be praying his tail off. When you have Anquan Boldin and Larry Fitzgerald as receivers, there really is no reason to pray because your prayers have been answered. Oh, by the way, the Cardinals have scored more points than anyone in football! With a frickin' 97-year old quarterback who wants to retire! Okay so they haven't faced the best defenses--mere semantics.

Winner: St. Louis because Jim Haslett is the greatest coach of all time!

Green Bay @ Tennessee

So maybe the Titans are for real. Chris Johnson is faster than a cheetah on PEDs with its ass caught on fire. Lendale White is fatter than a megalodon that lives on nothing but ribs and Marlon Brando. The Packers are hoping that Hairon Rodgers is for real, now that he makes about as much money as Peyton Manning.

Winner: Tennessee

Miami @ Denver

Denver is coming off a much needed bye week and playing back home at Invesco Field at Relatively Close to One Mile Above Sea Level Give or Take About 100 Feet or So. Miami brings their crazy new-fangled single wing offense, updated for the 20th century. Two things, Tony Sparano, they allow the forward pass these days, and Chad Pennington can't pass forward for more than maybe a yard or two. Perhaps you can find a QB who can throw the ball more than about five feet. I don't care if Matthew Mcconaughey told you to play Pennington.

Winner: Pretty please with sugar on top let it be the Broncos. I don't think I could take another loss right now

Dallas @ Football Giants

Finally an epicly dramatic game! Plenty of tears, break ups and cheating on your special friends with their best friends. It's okay, TO, I know Tony Romo is your quarterback. You don't have to cry. Oh wait, Brad Johnson. Okay, you can go ahead and cry. If my quarterback had the arm strength of a newborn baby (or Chad Pennington come to think of it) and the mobility of the Great Pyramid of Giza, I would probably cry too.

Winner: Football Giants

Atlanta @ Oakland

Facing off are the two quarterbacks taken higher than any others at their position in the last two drafts. When I was watching Mel Kiper Jr. enunciate like the meth addict he is, I kept think Ryan and Russell were going to be like Joey Harrington bad. It looks like I was half right. Jamarcus Russell is about as terrible as I thought he would be, but Matt Ryan is defying logic and reason by becoming an effective rookie quarterback. He has steps to go, of course, but he has already become an effective game manager. Maybe in a few years he will move up from Boring and Effective 3: The Phantom Menace, starring Trent Dilfer, from the writers and producers of Waiting to Exhale, and into the Legends of Gunsling Yore, starring Brett Favre, written by the sports media, produced by lazy people pumping out cliches.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Seattle

Right now the Eagles have to be thinking, "Well, the Phillies did it, why can't us?" For practice this week, were Jon Runyan and William Thomas working on their blocking skills by destroying bus stops, blowing up cars, and booing fellow rioters? It probably will be very effective. My only concern is the false starts in Seattle, with their infamous crowd noise. Speaking of which, there has been a refereeing travesty occurring at Qwest Field. Game after game, play after play, the Seattle Seahawks haven't been called for too many men on the field of play. They frickin' advertise that they have 12 players on defense. It's probably Ed Hochuli's fault.

Winner: Philadelphia (Holmgren picked the wrong year to quit (and to stop sniffing glue))

New England @ Indianapolis

Usually the most anticipated game of the year. Not this year. GQ QB is hurt and Peyton looks human behind a broken o-line and virtually no running game. Al and John are probably going to mention those things very frequently. Then John will start drawing pictures of Tough Actin' Tinactin on the screen for no reason and recall a story when he once farted in the Horse Trailer and the smell didn't go away for the entirety of the state of Nebraska. NBC should just get Frank Caliendo to do impressions of John and Al. It would be cheaper. Plus, his impersonation-driven comedy is about as funny as Dane Cook's yelling and stomping-driven comedy.

Winner: Indianapolis

Pittsburgh @ Washington

Hey Redskins fans, the 'Skins aren't going to win the Super Bowl. I know you think every time they win a game they are going to win it all, but they aren't. These aren't the late 80s. Joe Gibbs can't put plumbers and janitors at quarterback and still win Super Bowls anymore. He's too busy watching a car go around in circles. I don't think Clinton "Does all the work" Portis and Jason "I haven't thrown an interception yet because I haven't thrown any passes" Campbell will be able to move the sticks against the Steelers ridiculously good defense.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Carolina @ San Fransisco

Okay, this isn't a real game, but the NFL is a dick scheduling their bye weeks right now. Here is a scene from my upcoming screen-writing and directorial debut, Shit Show.

Vernon Davis and John Daly are hanging out in a Hooters in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. It's late night happy hour so coconut martinis are only dollar. After their tab runs up to $40 only in martinis, Daly begins to yell and harass one of the waitresses, grabbing her in inappropriate places. He then gets depressed and complains to Davis about how his wife beats him and takes his booze money to go shopping at Neiman Marcus. Then Mike Singletary jumps through a window, screaming and runs up to Davis and Daly, who are sitting at the bar. He yells at Davis as loud as he possibly can about his questionable work ethic. Daly, meanwhile has passed out drunk and had a heart attack simultaneously. Singletary then drops his pants to the floor causing widespread shock and confusion throughout the restaurant. Hooters, being a family restaurant, has several patrons who are considered children. Many of these children begin to cry as Singletary runs all over the restaurant, pants down, yelling "I want winners!" He then gets in Davis' face and explains to him that he dropped his pants because he wants Davis to try harder. Then Davis cries because he was so happy about being drafted, despite how most pre-draft talk suggested he would be top-10 and how he was actually at the draft, with like five of the other "top" players available.

And... Scene

Last Week: 7-7
Overall: 52-33

The Proverbial Stove is Getting Warmer

With trade rumblings already starting to make their way into the blogosphere and the World Series now just a memory (thankfully), we turn our attention to the so-called Hot Stove to see how our Rockies are looking to improve their club for the 2009 campaign.

Now, most of this "analysis" that I'm about to preach on these pages is from either snippets of ideas that I've read in newspapers like the Denver Post and Rocky Mountain News, coloradorockies.com, or even articles from fellow Bleacher Report contributors with a little bit of my own wish list thrown in.

We're going to do this on a team by team basis as to who might be interested in some of our boys.

O'Dowd has made it widely known that he is dangling both Garrett Atkins and Matt Holliday this winter in exchange for young, Major League-ready starting pitching, so if you notice a common theme among some of these possible suitors, well, I just told you.

New York Yankees

-Rockies Bleacher Report contributor David Martin already wrote an excellent piece on a possible Willy Taveras for Ian Kennedy trade that you can check out here. I think my feelings are pretty well known that I would trade Willy Taveras for a punch in the stomach much less for a young, talented starting pitching prospect.

-Also, you can never count out a team with Mariana Trench-like (that's right, a geography reference) pockets like the New York Yankees. You have to believe they'll at least be in the discussions for Matt Holliday.

Boston Red Sox

-With the uncertain injury status of current third baseman Mike Lowell, the Red Sox have been reported to have thrown their hat in the ring for Garrett Atkins. The Sawx have no shortage of young, talented pitchers like Clay Buchholz and my cousin, Justin Masterson.

Now, I could probably just call up my cousin and give him my best political stump speech on why he should want to come play in the mile high majesty of Colorado instead of the intense pressure of Beantown. Then, when he realized the wisdom of my words, he could go to Theo Epstein and demand a trade that would send him out west. He'd join a starting rotation of Francis, Cook, and Ubaldo that would give the Rockies a pitching staff that could compete with the rest of the NL West.

Hey, a guy can dream right?

Minnesota Twins

-Twins Bleacher Report contributor Warren Williams recently wrote a hypothetical article where we would trade Garrett Atkins to the Twins for outfielder Michael Cuddyer. While I wasn't too fond of the trade straight up, Minnesota does have some talented young pitchers that I'm sure O'Dowd wouldn't be too upset if he acquired.

Scott Baker, Kevin Slowey, and Nick Blackburn would be the names we would more than likely focus on if this or any trade with the Twinkies were likely to go down. Baker is the most attractive of the bunch, not physically mind you, but statistically, finishing 11-4 on the year with a 3.45 ERA. Slowey and Blackburn are both relatively young guys who were key components in the Twins' mad dash to their one-game playoff where they ultimately succumbed to the White Sox.

Chicago White Sox

-Speaking of those White Sox, Bleacher Report contributor Tab Bamford concocted a bold blockbuster trade opportunity between these two ball clubs that would send Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins to the White Sox for Jermaine Dye, Nick Swisher, and Javier Vazquez. I immediately dismissed this deal at first, but upon further thought, it's not too radical.

Though Dye is getting up there in years, he would more or less replace Holliday's bat. Swisher can play both first base and outfield and would benefit from Coors Field's cavernous gaps. Vazquez has immense talent, but has never been able to overcome a debilitating case of mediocrity (showcased by his career 127-129 record.) He has also seemingly worn out his welcome with Sox manager Ozzie Guillen with his poor performance down the stretch.

To make such a dynamite deal go down, the White Sox may need to sweeten the pot by throwing in young lefty John Danks instead of Vazquez. If Danks were included, it might be tough to say no to Sox GM Kenny Williams.

Florida Marlins

While the Rockies are obviously looking for starting pitching to shore up a shaky rotation, if a deal for a power hitting second baseman falls into their laps, I would find it hard to believe that they would ignore it. That's where Dan Uggla comes in. Though apparently not known for his book-smarts and analytical game preparation, he sure knows how to hit. An infield of Helton, Uggla, Tulo, and some sort of Stewart/Atkins hybrid would be formidable to say the least.

New York Mets

They seem to have deep pockets as well and would be in the race for Matt Holliday. Whether or not they have enough to give the Rockies in return is a whole different story altogether.

Tampa Bay Rays

The Rays obviously have young talent to spare. If the Rays want to indulge in their Socialist side and spread the wealth around (since that seems so apropos,) I'm sure the Rockies could come to some sort of agreement for David Price, BJ Upton, Carl Crawford, or Matt Garza.

That's all I have right now. Leave any other trade ideas, dreams, or possibilities in the comments in case I might have glossed over a few.