Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 16

The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week

Terrell Owens on how to answer a question without having to actually answer it:

"I believe somebody said it. But I didn't say it. So, why would somebody just jump to the conclusion that I said it and it created all this, uh, all this controversy and this turmoil throughout the week because again, if you look at situations that have happened in the past, just say give this incident, for example. You're a reporter. Ed's a reporter. All those guys are going to ask guys in the locker room. Give me your take on what's going on. Sure there may be some guys... If I was at fault, those guys are going to say that I was at fault. So it's going to be confirming what the situation is."

I guess Stephen A. Smith was too busy enacting his long planned revenge on Ed Werder to actually focus on his interview and ask penetrative questions--questions like: What the fuck are you talking about? and Could you please actually answer my question in a truthful, candid, non-political manner?
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The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week

Holy hell, it's already week 16. They already announced the Pro Bowl rosters. I guess it's time to go ahead and announce the Scrappy Bowl roster. Here are your gritty, gutty gamers for the year (mostly white, as the cliche goes):

The 2008 All-Scrap Team
QB - Chad Pennington - No, he doesn't have a beard. No, he's not Brett Favre. But he has little to no talent, yet he still has helped the Dolphins (1-15 last year) to a division-leading 9-5 record. He's even gutted out an average of one touchdown pass per game.
RB - Darren Sproles - This is always a tough roster spot. A scrappy running back is kind of an oxymoron. Still, Sproles might actually be scrappy. He's a quick little guy that never gives up. (This would have gone to Peyton Hillis, but he got injured and won't be able to play in the Scrappy Bowl)
FB - Dan Klecko - Gotta be Dan Klecko. He is so untalented he can't stick with one position. The Eagles have tried him as a fullback and a defensive tackle. Anywhere you can fit his can-do Rudy attitude is good for the team.
WR - Wes Welker - He is pretty much a lock every year. He can have it next year too. The minute wideout is second in the NFL in receptions this year. And he's almost 3 feet tall!
TE - Kevin Boss - He hasn't hadded the greatest year and he is very unspectacular, but he has replaced Jeremy Shockey, and actually showed Jeremy Shockey up. Anyone who shows up Jeremy Shockey, or sullies him in any way, has a special place in my heart.
OL - Jon Runyan - Just one O-lineman this year. That's because Runyan has the balls to take on a whole defensive line--and break their fingers while the refs aren't looking.
DE - Kyle Vanden Bosch - Could have gone with Jared Allen here, but I think Vanden Bosch has really shown his gamesmanship this year. I mean, look at that goatee.
DT - Justin Bannan - With Kelly Gregg (very scrappy in his own right) missing the season, Bannan has filled in admirably, anchoring one of the best defenses in football. Plus, he's a former Buff and lord knows they haven't had any talented players in fifteen years.
LB - Barrett Ruud - Ruud seems like the quintessential linebacker. He's not particularly fast but he plays hard and always finds himself near the ball. Very Scrappy.
CB - Cortland Finnegan - Maybe it's because his name is really white, I don't know. Still, he's a bump and run corner. He likes phsyical contact with receivers. He isn't afraid of getting within ten yards of the receiver he is supposed to be covering, unlike Dre Bly.
S - Eric Weddle - Remeber when he was coming out of college and nobody knew what position he played, but knew that he played his ass off? Well, he has. He currently leads the Chargers "defense" in tackles and has the second most tackles of any safety in the NFL.
K - John Carney - He's old.
P - Jeff Feagles - He's also old.
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Indianapolis @ Jacksonville

Has anybody noticed how boring the Colts are? Sure, they score lot, but they are so predictable and methodical that there is really no point in watching. It's like watching something in the microwave. The Colts have the ball they're going to march down the field and score on a touchdown pass to Reggie Wayne. I put my Campbell's Chunky Soup in the microwave and three minutes later it is quite warm. New Cambell's Chunky Soup--It's so chunky, we got rid of that pussy-ass soup. (Electric guitar noises and picture of kids skateboarding) This ain't your grandma's soup. It's 100% chunks, unwatered down by that soup crap. Soup is for the birds. Chunks are funky fresh, homeslice. Now, with only 350% your daily value in sodium.

Winner: Alas, I'm too late

Baltimore @ Dallas

I heard that Todd Heap is totally BFFs with Willis McGahee and they are like totally pissed about how Joe Flacco has been running the offense. Also Mark Clayton told me that Ray Rice said that Troy Smith totally saw Lorenzo Neal making out with Le'Ron McClain's girlfriend. OMG!!!!!!!

Winner: Baltimore

Cincinnati @ Cleveland

I'm calling it now, folks. 0-0 tie. That's right, Donovan. The Bengals tie two games in one year. I really don't see how these teams could score any points. Maybe a field goal because of an interception. Maybe.

Winner: Tie

New Orleans @ Detroit

So, Reggie Bush is out for the rest of the season. I think this finally proves that he has the toughness and durability to play running back in the NFL. Ahman Green did it. Why can't us?

Winner: New Orleans

Arizona @ New England

I think the last four weeks have shown that the Cardinals really aren't all that good. I mean, I know a running game is totally worthless, but it seems like they could use one. Maybe playing a bit of defense might help a bit too.

Winner: New England

Pittsburgh @ Tennessee

Knowing the amount of games available on basic cable, this probably won't be on. It seems like two or three years ago, there were always three games on--at 1 MST and at 4 MST. Now, there is one game on at 1 (maybe one more on occasion) and it's the Lions versus the Bengals or something. Then, if the Broncos are playing at 4, their game is on. If they aren't playing at 4, no game is on. There are 47 simultaneous college football games on cable television on Saturdays and every once and a while they can muster up two simultaneous NFL games on Sunday. Way to go, NFL.

Winner: Tennessee get's the roll back on WHAT!

San Fransisco @ St. Louis

This game doesn't matter at all except for draft position. These teams might as NBA-it and try to lose. Ain't no lottery getting in their way. Hell, the Rams could even get Matt Stafford. He's good, right?

Winner: Frisco

Miami @ Kansas City

How did the Chiefs blow that game last week? I know they're the Chiefs, but still. The Chargers must have paid off Herm Edwards or something. Stuff like that should not happen.

Winner: Miami

San Diego @ Tampa Bay

I like how Philip Rivers said that their comeback win last week showed the character of their football team. They beat one of the worst teams in football a year after making the AFC championship with virtually the same roster. Now, that's what I call character.

Winner: Tampa Bay (pretty please)

Buffalo @ Denver

Trent Edwards is back, so there will be no retarded game-losing fumbles for J.P. Losman. I bet they are super psyched they signed Dick Jauron to an extension after they started 5-1. The 1-7 record since then is much more in line with what Jauron has done throughout his career.

Winner: Denver

Football Jets @ Seattle

The Jets have scored more points than any team but the Cardinals this season. Last year, they struggled to score as many points all season as most teams score in one game. The only new starters on offense are Brett Favre, Damien Woody, Alan Faneca and then Tony Richardson and Dustin Keller have split starts. I know Faneca is good, but the others... meh. Maybe Brett Favre really does make everyone else on his team magically play better, like everybody says.

Winner: Football Jets

Houston @ Oakland

You have to wonder what the Raiders are going to do this offseason. And next offseason for that matter. They have a good pass defense and that's it. They need a whole new offensive line, a quarterback, at least one quality receiever, a new defensive line, at least another linebacker. Al Davis is only going to drive them further into the ground. It sure is a satisfying situation, though, as a Broncos fan.

Winner: Houston

Atlanta @ Minnesota

Tavaris Jackson threw 4 frickin' touchdowns last week. 4. So they forgot about the Gus train and jumped on board with him. I'm not a mathmetician or nothing, but sources tell me the Cardinals have given up more passing TDs than any team in football. The Falcons have given up almost half as many. 4 TDs ain't happening again for Jackson.

Winner: Atlanta

Philadelphia @ Washington

After their trainwrecks againts Cincinnati and Baltimore, the Eagles have played quite well. I guess for those two weeks the McRib was available at McDonalds and Andy Reid had other things on his mind.

Winner: Philadelphia

Carolina @ Football Giants

Oh, poor little Giants miss their Plaxico Burress. Thus is the tragedy of sweatpants. Brandon Jacobs is questionable, but people seem to think he's going to play. As long as he doesn't have dinner at Applebee's today or tomorrow.

Winner: Carolina

Green Bay @ Chicago

Remember how great Green Bay was at the beginning of the year. They were going to make the Super Bowl. Their defense was jammin' mon. Well, not so much. Those Green Bay pundits fell under a classic Brett Favre ruse. See how well the Jets are doing with crappy players? Well, Brett Favre was the entire Packers team. Atari Bigby forgot how to play safety without Brett Favre. It happened to like twenty other Packers too. Crazy.

Winner: Chicago

Last Week: 9-7
Overall: 117-76

An Ode to Willy Taveras

In honor of the Rockies' erstwhile centerfielder Willy Taveras' abrupt departure from the Mile High City, I've taken time out of my "busy" schedule to honor this occasion with a bit of poetry.

Onward, ho.

An Ode to Willy Taveras

Oh Willy Taveras, though your feet are fleet

To me, the bench holds your permanent seat

It's a shame you're not our problem anymore

For when you reached base, you would normally score

But therein lies the issues that be

Your two bum legs and .308 obp

As you flailed at pitches, Skip Hurdle turned terse

And filled out his lineup sans you hitting first

This irked you greatly, and doth you protest

That your stolen-base record placed you with the best

You came to the ballpark with your mind on a mission

But you still hit .204 with runners in scoring position

While Spilly was sparking an anemic offense

You were misjudging flies as you high-fived the fence

While we'll never forget your NLCS Game Two game-saver

The tastes in our mouths are not ones we will savor

Though your speed was electric and you possessed quite a burst

You forgot in the rule book that you can't steal first

So we had to part ways, what with the outfield youth

Climbing the ladder like George Michael Bluth

Like Santa's reindeer, we've got young guns to lead us

And it's so reminiscent of the Night Before Christmas

On Fowler, on Car-Gon, on Hawper and Smitty

On Stewart, on Tulo, on Atkins, and Spilly

So unfortunately Willy, your talent's not needed

But I'm sure that your hot stove will soon be reheated

When you face us as foe, I'm sure you'll be pissed

But just know that in Denver, your stats won't be missed

Fin.

Broncos Looking at a Must-Win Sunday

My apologies for the brief sabbatical I've taken from my duties here on Bleacher Report, but Vegas called and sometimes, you just have to accept the charges.

Onto the Broncos.

As the ashes from the Broncos beatdown at the hands of the Carolina Panthers continue to fall, things are starting to get a little more tense here in Broncos Country.

With the opportunity to clinch the AFC West Division title yesterday with either a Chargers loss at the hands of the Chiefs or a Broncos victory, the Broncos could have wrapped up a playoff berth with just 11 shopping days left until Christmas.

The Chiefs, however, had other plans.

Clinging to an 11-point lead with just over a minute left, the Chiefs remembered exactly who we thought they were and allowed Philip "the sun was in my eyes, bro" Rivers to throw a touchdown pass. Thinking moral victories count in the final standings, the Chiefs then allowed the Chargers to recover an onside kick and march down the field for another touchdown to give them the lead at 22-21.

Just for good measure, Tyler Thigpen then drove the team into field goal range for a chance to win the game which they, of course, subsequently missed.

Thanks, Kansas City.

Coupled with the Broncos 30-10 thrashing in Carolina, the playoff berth we had seemingly already wrapped up is a bit more up in the air today.

At 8-6, we are still in the driver's seat in the division, but now hold a two-game lead over San Diego with two to play.

In my gut, however, I know this race is far from over.

Here's the worst case scenario: The Chargers walk into Tampa next week and take down the Buccaneers and the Broncos play with their usual lack of intensity at home against Buffalo and are saddled with a loss.

With a one-game lead over the Chargers going into the season's final week, we would then travel to San Diego in a winner-take-all game that would determine the AFC West Champion.

If you ask me, I don't want to take that chance.

There are many factors playing in our favor in this weekend's games. We are at home, though that's not as much of an advantage anymore, and we're playing a team that forgot the season kept going after September.

The Chargers are going to Tampa, where NFC South teams are a combined 26-2 at home this season after Sunday's bouts.

The Broncos have to view Sunday's tilt with the Bills as a must-win game. The Bills, 1-7 in their last eight games after starting the season 5-1, have been free-falling faster than the temperature in Denver this weekend.

If you ask me, I'll take my chances with a team in disarray at home than with our hated rivals finding their stride on the road.

I hope the Broncos feel the same way.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 15 Part 2

San Diego @ Kansas City

Want to know something scary? No? Okay, never mind then. Screw it, I'll tell you. (Assumes Tony Kornheiser Extreme Enunciation Mode, or TKEED) TYLER THIGPEN has 14!!! touchdown passes this year in EIGHT starts. TYLER THIGPEN. I mean, nobody even knew who he was at the beginning of the year, Jaws. (Deactivates TKEED) I guess that's really not that impressive when you get to face the Chargers' secondary twice a year.

Winner: An early Christmas present from the Chiefs in Arrowhead

Detroit @ Indianapolis

Those tenacious Lions are running out of time. Only three games left to avoid getting Buccaneered for the season. Indy isn't as formidable as they have been in recent years and Lucas Oil Stadium doesn't have as much piped in crowd noise as the Peyton Dome. Still, the Lions are about as formidable as wet tissue paper--the generic kind.

Winner: Indianapolis

Minnesota @ Arizona

Remember that scene in Any Given Sunday when Cameron Diaz walks into the locker room and that guy has his large fireman hanging out? Gross. Congratulations Visanthe Shiancoe. Not only were you able to trick a few team insiders into seeing your dong, you tricked millions of FOX viewers, many of whom were probably children, into seing Visanthe Jr. or Dr. Wang or whatever you like to call it. Your buffoonery and hijinks frightened many children across the country. I call sexual predation upon thee, crule Visanthe.

Winner: Arizona

Pittsburgh @ Baltimore

Aaron Smith, one of the Steelers best defensive players, went to the prestigious University of Northern Colorado in lovely Greeley, Colorado. So did Vincent Jackson of the Chargers. And Reed Doughty of the Washington Redskins. When did Northern Colorado become a bed of NFL talent? For those of you who have never been to Greeley or within 20 miles of Greeley on a windy day, it smells like shit. Lots and lots of cow shit. The Greeley area is home to many of the burgers and steaks sitting on plates across the US. These three NFL players must love their NFL lives, to have suffered through 3-5 years of constant cow shit/dead cow smell. That's like prison.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Denver @ Carolina

To quote the late, great poet laureate Freddy Mercury, "And another one bites the dust." I know Mike Shanahan is a cold and heartless man, which is one of the qualities that makes a good coach (see Belichick, Bill), but Shanahan's running back destroying offense is suspect to me. Five backs on the IR? Giving Tatum Bell carries? When will he throw Cutler into the fire? He'll probably start running the option on Sunday and Cutler will tear two acls and a rotary cuff. Sidenote: being a brainless man is not one of the qualities of a good coach (see Turner, Norv).

Winner: Carolina (tear)

New England @ Oakland

Speaking of heartless, I'm surprised Belichick let Cassel go home and grieve for his late father. I guess Belichick is still used to the weekly routine of Tom Brady. Where Brady would stare at himself in the mirror for five to six hours per day, Cassel studies game film. Matt just had to put aside his film room time to make time for his family.

Winner: New England

Football Giants @ Dallas

Two things here:
1. That must have been a tough loss for Eli Manning last week. I wonder how Tom Coughlin consoled Eli afterwards... Maybe a Capri Sun, a Fruit Roll-up, and Eli's favorite movie Water Horse: Legend of the Deep. That would cheer up any small child.

2. This: "Wide receiver Terrell Owens has expressed resentment toward Tony Romo, apparently jealous of the quarterback's relationship with tight end Jason Witten."
OMG!!! Jason Witten and Tony Romo are BFFS!!! Is he gonna be best man when Tony weds Jessica??? ESPN is turning into Friday Night Lights. Did Terrell Owens sleep with Lyla Garrity, while Jason Street was in the hospital, paralyzed? Julie Taylor must be cheating on TO with "the Swede." This is not a sports story. It should not be news. God. Damn. It.

Winner: Football Giants because the Cowboys will be so distracted by the crazy drama! OMG!

Cleveland @ Philadelphia

Andy Reid has about as much personality as a dead tree. As soon as he gets fired in the offseason, I hope some network picks him up. He could just sit on the side eating donuts, while Chris Carter pretends everyone else loves him, forcing Keyshawn and TJ to awkwardly smile. Maybe Ditka could throw him a few shots of whatever hard liquor he drinks during the show. All in all, I think it would be great chemistry.

Winner: Philadelphia

Last Week: 10-6
Overall: 108-69

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em Week 15 Part 1

The Gary Sheffield Memorial Foot-in-Mouth Disease Quote of the Week*

*Used to be The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week, but I'm changing the name... for the next three weeks.

Nnandi Asomugha on the Raiders as a team:

"We're not close and it's clear we're not close. We don't play good football. We don't even play sound football."

Nice and to the point. That's all the quote you need. Aww.... shucks. I'll give you the rest:

"We were supposed to be playing football right? Coach Cable had us working on our swing at the driving range all week. I'm not sure if we were even in the right place for our game today. Pebble Beach, Qualcomm Stadium--it's all the same to me. What I do know is that whatever sport we were playing out there tonight, it certainly wasn't the right one."
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The Lou Holtz Memorial Random, Non-Hitler-Related Digression of the Week*

*Decided to start this up this week (late I know). As the title says, it'll be a random aside about football or something of which football reminds me.

So, the number one draft pick is a pretty valuable commodity, right? How about instead of just giving it to the team with the worst record, they have a playoff for it. You take the worst teams--Bengals, Lions, Rams, Chiefs, Raiders, Seahawks--and have yourself a BCS-style ranking system. Lions would obviously be number 1 and the Bengals would be 2. Then you take the next two worst teams and have 3 play the Bengals and 4 play the Lions--higher ranking gets homefield advantage. While everyone else is watching the actual playoffs, these playoffs--I propose calling it the Matt Millen Bowl and the trophy would be a bronzed statuette of this face--can be shown on the NFL Network. Winner of the Matt Millen Bowl receives number one overall. The loser receives number 2 overall. Then there is a consolation round for 3 and 4. Though the games would be boring as shit, the concept of this, I think, would be highly entertaining. It would also provide excessive embarrassment for the teams and their fans, possibly giving them extra incentive to absolve themselves of their shittiness.
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New Orleans @ Chicago

I was checking out NFL.com last Thursday evening and their homepage said they had live online coverage of the Thursday night game. My first thought was: "Holy hell, they actually let people watch the NFL Network now?" So I investigated. Turns out the coverage is not the actual game, which I, and probably most other football fans, were curious to see. Instead they had "coverage" of Marshall Faulk discussing the game while it happened. What's that you say, Marshall? LaDainaIaianiNinian Tomlinson scored a touchdown? May I, perhaps, see it? No? I have to listen to you describe it vividly and make it happen in my head TV? This is more torturous than watching a gamecast. Then NFL.com has the gall to have a sideline cam from the game. You must watch some anonymous sideline reporter discuss worthless crap while the game goes on behind him. You have to try and peer around the reporter (thank God FOX got Tony Siragusa) and watch San Diego's goal line stand, while the reporter talks about how Paul McQuistan stubbed his mullet. Damn you, NFL Newtwork.

Winner: I got a hunch on Chicago

Tampa Bay @ Atlanta

How is Jeff Garcia still a relatively succesful NFL quarterback? He's approaching AARP mmbership age. He makes Danny Devito look like this guy. Plus, it's almost Christmas time. Shouldn't Santa have recalled all of his elves to the North Pole by now? Toys need to be made.

Winner: Atlanta

Washington @ Cincinnati

What if Jim Zorn and Clinton Portis got in a fight? Who would win? My money would be on Zorn. He would prance around Portis like the little monkey he is until Portis got tired and strained his 30th muscle of the season. By the way, Clinton Portis is the man, but complaining about not being involved in the offense? He has the fourth most rushing attempts in football. He is their offense.

Winner: Washington

Tennessee @ Houston

As it turns out, the Texans actually have a good offense when Sage Rosenfels isn't helicopter fumbling his way down the field. Their defense has some talented players too--Demeco Ryans, Mario Williams, Amobi Okoye if he could play to his talent. Maybe someday they could actually be good... Just not this day, or year.

Winner: Tennessee

Green Bay @ Jacksonville

So Matt Jones gets suspended for a few games for doing cocaine in a car. Pacman Jones almost gets suspended for his career because he was rough-housing with his bodyguard and broke a mirror--nice. Add to that, Fred Taylor was apparently doing some extreme thumbwrestling, and the Jaguars are dropping like flies--I mean dropping like David Garrard passes.

Winner: Green Bay

San Fransisco @ Miami

Who the hell is Shaun Hill and why is de doing so well? His career passer rating is 97.3. See you later, Alex Smith. Have fun in your textile factory, sewing with those little hands of yours.

Winner: Miami

Seattle @ St. Louis

This Sunday... One team was 2-11... At the botton of the barrell... Until they met... Another 2-11 team... In the most realistic, handicam-shakingly briliant horror masterwork of verisimiltude since Cloverfield... Comes this horrible game... Showing on a TV near you.

Winner: I guess Seattle. At this point it really doesn't matter for either team.

Buffalo @ Football Jets

Brett Farve hasn't been playing grittily enough the past few weeks. He's been trying to game manage instead of gunsling. If I were Eric Mangini, I would force the Jets to practice in a foggy, damp grove wearing Wrangler jeans. That's the only way to get your winning mentality back.

Winner: Football Jets

Part 2: Tomorrow

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 14 Part 2

...And the rest...

Miami @ Buffalo

A few years back, there was a push, as there is now, to move an NFL team to Canada, but the Prime Minister (or some other high government official (can't remember)) had to axe the whole plan. The reasons? It would undermine Canadian culture and take away from the legitimacy of the CFL. Okay, first of all, Canadian "culture" is basically American culture except they are adamant about being different from Americans, for reasons only Canadians seem to believe are actual reasons. Second of all, the CFL being legitimate? Akili Smith played in the CFL. AKILI SMITH. There are a ton of people in Toronto and that would mean a ton of revenue for both the NFL and for the city of Toronto. Nobody cares about Buffalo ever since coal mining went out of fashion, despite Barack's attempts to revive it. It's time to get the Bills to a city that doesn't consist of 20 coal miners who worship Jim Kelly and talk about how they would kick the shit out of Scott Norwood if they ever saw him.

Winner: I like Buffalo here for some reason

Football Jets @ San Fransisco

His lord and savior Brett Favre, who is apparently infallible, went 23/43 for 247 yards with no TDs and an INT against the Broncos "defense." I think we are going to have to change the NFL rules so that that is a good line. Maybe the object of the game is to throw incomplete passes and throw interceptions??? Rex Grossman would be All-Pro. I find the Jets' quarterback transition very intriguing. They went from Chad Pennington who completes a shit load of passes and never gets intercepted, but he usually only gets a 6 to 8 inch gain. Brett the Gunslinger, meanwhile, heaves the ball wildly into triple coverage eighty yards downfield on first down, even if his receivers are all running short routes. Luckily for the Jets, Favre's picks are offset by his rugged good looks and ability to inpsire Thomas Jones to run for touchdowns 5 times a game.

Winner: Football Jets

New England @ Seattle

Where's your Matt Cassell now, media? Oh, he was so much better than Tom Brady. It was just that Steelers defense. His still the dreamiest QB on the Pats payroll. Anytime anybody on the Patriots does well, everyone starts talking about how great their coaching is and how everyone plays for the team. I DON'T CARE. GET OVER IT. Knowing the defense's play calls could make Andrew Walter a Pro Bowler. Also, they play for the team because if they don't, Bill Belichick will rip their heart out of their chest with his bare hand. Belichick could threaten Ryan Leaf into playing for the team.

Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Denver

The Chiefs have won two games this year. Against whom? The Raiders, duh. They also wonned the, for all intents and purposes, playoff-bound Broncos. Somehow, Mike Shanahan's face didn't explode that fateful day. If the Broncos lose again, Shanny's face will explode. He'll look like the aliens from John Carpenter's They Live, except "Rowdy" Roddy Piper won't need special sunglasses to see his disfigured visage. Both teams better bring their snowboots because it's gonna be a cold one. With snow everywhere and temperatures somewhere near that of Pluto's surface, expect a lot of running. It may be so cold that Larry Johnson will be too distracted to assault one of the cheerleaders.

Winner: Broncos

St. Louis @ Arizona

If the Rams keep playing this crappy, how is Chris Long going to get a movie deal like his daddy? I'm sure he simply views acting as a stepping stone to his film career, just like Jason Taylor. So his dad saved people from a forest fire. Chris could save the city of St. Louis from the Rams, metaphorically of course. Perhaps a deadly science experiment could cause rapid procreation in rams, as well as a thirst for human blood. Since there are so many rams in Missouri, it would be a horror/disaster movie of epic proportions. This summer... from the writers and producers of Congo, Outbreak and Terms of Endearment... when a science experiment goes horribly wrong... (violin crescendos and heavy bass drums abound) they got a thirst for human blood... (sudden shot of a ram snorting with bright red eyes) the citizenry of St. Louis was confused and without leadership... one man... had to overcome his fear of horned animals... and lead an entire city to safety... starring Chris Long... and multiple Grammy-winner Celine Dion... Deadly Horns: the Hero Within... based on a true story...

Winner: Arizona

Dallas @ Pittsburgh

In light of the recent mildy offesive sexual colloquialism being uttered publicly, I think Carrie Underwood should get in on the act. Jessica Simpson took her "sloppy seconds" in Tony Romo. The problem is, "sloppy seconds" doesn't really apply to a man. Maybe Jessica took her "recycled rod" or her "used unit." She could even go with something like "I just want to comment on how it's become like a common thing in the music industry for girls to fall in love with my 'herpes handler' I don't know what that's about. But enjoy my new single."

Winner: Dallas

Washington @ Baltimore

So, unbeknownst to me, Mark Clayton is still alive. The first round pick, who was an okay receiver this one time back in 2006, scored more fantasy points than any other receiver last week. I guess with the Ravens' sub-standard quarterbacking in recent years, I forgot that the Ravens actually had receivers, or an offense. Quietly, Joe Flacco and his unibrow of death (there's a movie idea for you, Hollywood), has a 108.3 passer rating over the last two weeks. Well, maybe facing the Bengals shouldn't count. Still, Flacco is certainly not losing games for the Ravens. What in the name of Harry Dean Stanton is going on here? Matt Ryan and Flacco playing well. I confuse.

Winner: Baltimore

Tampa Bay @ Carolina

Well, Jon Gruden has been wining and dining Jeff Garcia now for seven straight weeks. Aren't they basically dating now? I mean, their relationship must be hard, what with Gruden sleeping at the office and never going to Garcia's for a cuddle or two. Still, they work together so they get to see plenty of each other. Garcia must be a demon in the sack, for a manly man like Gruden to keep him around. With Garcia at 38, they should considered getting married and adopting a kid before they get too old. (Jeff Garcia's real wife, Carmella Decesare is TWELVE years younger than he is. And she has to look at the ginger naked. That poor woman)

Winner: Carolina has one of their good weeks

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 98-63

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 14 Part 1

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

The New York Post on Plaxico Burress' attempted goldbrickings on the night of his "shooting:"

"Getting special treatment at New York-Cornell Hospital, where he gave his name as Harris Smith, saying he'd been shot at an Applebee's restaurant."

Good work, Plaxico, on coming up with a better, or at least more realistic, name than Ron Mexico. Now, about the Applebees part... I'm sure many upstanding citizens have been shot at Applebees. I tried to get the 2 for 20$ deal with Nachos Nuevos as my appetizer, but the waitress said I could only get Spinach and Artichoke Dip, Crunchy Onion Rings, Boneless Buffalo Wings, or Mozzarella Sticks. She then shot me in the foot and I was forced to give her a 5% tip. But, I digress. My point is: What about the 100-200 people in the world who haven't been shot in Applebees? Plaxico, you are in the city of New York, no less. Millions of people are shot there a day. I think as sooon as you walk off the plane at LaGuardia they have some smiling, congenial woman shoot you. It's like the leis in Hawaii--it lets you experience part of the city's culture right off the plane. So why, of all places, did you choose Applebees, Plaxico? You could have been mugged... You could have been... I don't know, anything but getting shot at Applebees. You could have at least gone with Olive Garden and its dangerous mob ties.
__________________________________________________________________

Oakland @ San Diego

For all of you who are worried about the economy, I have some good news. Norv Turner has a seven figure salary. What I'm saying is: you don't have to be intelligent or qualified to get a high-paying job in America. I guess all you have to do is have heavy acne-scarring and frequently use your hand to fix your pretty mop-top. Want to see an impression of me whenever I see Philip "I know it's nighttime but the sun is still in my eyes, bro" Rivers? Norv Turner--the next Frank Caliendo.

Winner: Oakland--that's right

Jacksonville @ Chicago

Last week, the Bears got straight Frerotted, while Jaguars got Rosenfelled. Thems is tough pills to swallow. These are supposed to be great defenses. I know the Bears have been without cornerbacks for most of the year and the Jaguars thought it was a funny joke on the city of Jacksonville to get rid of Marcus Stroud. Still, shouldn't they be at least functional? If the Bears lose this one, Obama's firts presidential action might be decreeing the Bears terrorists against the city of Chicago.

Winner: Chicago

Minnesota @ Detroit

The Lions finally won their first game against the Vikings in 2001, to go to an admirable 1-12. Can they repeat? Uhhh... no. The Lions are in complete dissaray. They are at the point in the game where Malter Matthau told the biker kid to catch all of the balls hit in the outfield, causing resentment from his players. The Lions need Brad Childress to beat his son in front of everyone. Seriously, a Brad Childress child-beating is about all that can inspire the Lions at this point.

Winner: Minnesota

Cincinnati @ Indianapolis

That was a courageous effort against the Browns last week. The only way a touchdown would happen in that game was on a fumble recovery? 10-6? That's like a Notre Dame-Tennessee game except no funny fat people with miltary haircuts and belts 20 sizes too small or strange Kiffin family love fests.

Winner: Indianapolis

Philadelphia @ Football Giants

I bet Tom Coughlin was just red-faced about Plaxico's alleged Applebees shooting. As we all know from last year's playoffs, when those cheeks glow crimson, you look out because Coughlin is hitting the gas of his coaching engine. Also, why couldn't Plaxico's shot have missed his leg and het Jeremy Shockey instead? Yes, a bullet carrying from New York to New Orleans is implausible, but don't tell me you wouldn't want that. If that happened, I'd probably be at church on Sundays innstead of watching football.

Winner: Football Giants

Cleveland @ Tennesee

Oh, so the Titans are good again are they? Remember the 10-0 Titans? Denzel Washington was there. Just because they lost to the Jets doesn't make them bad. Then again, beating the Lions doesn't make you good. Still, when you have singer-songwriter Kerry Collins inspiring his team in the huddle with a fourth quarter country song, you're hard to beat. Also, who the fuck is Ken Dorsey? Too bad for Romeo Crennel.

Winner: Tennessee

Atlanta @ New Orleans

Matt Ryan for MVP! Matt Ryan for MVP! Okay, I get it. He's having a Marino-like rookie year. Still, there are about 20 better candidates. Plus, Michael Turner does most of the work for him anyway. Drew Brees, possibly the best MVP candidate, doesn't get as much love as Ryan. Brees could run a pass-only offense as be succesful, possibly moreso. At some point, the MVP award should be about the most valuable player, not the chic or "sexy" pick, as Howie Long calls it. Talk about sexy! Have you sen Firestorm? Howie Long is the male version of Julliette Lewis.

Winner: New Orleans

Houston @ Green Bay

Oh, poor Ahman Green. Why couldn't he have gotten his season-ending injury at Lambeau? It would have been a fitting return. Packers fans could recount the thousands of times Green limped or was carted off that hallowed field.

Winner: Green Bay

Tomorrow... the rest.

Mel Gibson and the Denver Broncos: Road Warriors

Decked out in protective equipment and leading his band of warriors into an alien environment, the leader of our pack faced down a formidable foe and vanquished him into the good night.

No, I'm not talking about Mad Max or even the real life Mel Gibson. I'm talking about Broncos' quarterback Jay Cutler, captaining his band of merry men into the Meadowlands of New York and returning home with an impressive victory and a stranglehold on the AFC West Division title.

Nobody picked the Broncos to have a chance in this game. To hear the talking heads at ESPN tell it, the Broncos would have been better off taking in the beautiful snow here in Denver this weekend rather than facing the first place New York Jets.

But that, as they say, is why they play the game.

In the same way that the Oakland Raiders shocked the Broncos Country faithful with their 31-10 shellacking of Denver last Sunday at Invesco, the Broncos returned the favor to the Jets in a windswept day in front of their hostile home crowd.

All the talk leading up to this contest was the matchup of quarterback gunslingers: the old maid Brett Favre and the young rapscallion Jay Cutler.

Showing no ill effects from the rainy conditions, Cutler upstaged his aging counterpart by throwing for 357 yards and two touchdowns while Favre could only muster 247 yards through the air while amassing zero touchdowns and one interception.

The much maligned Broncos defense forced the balanced Jets' attack into three turnovers on downs, the aforementioned interception, and three fumbles, one of which Broncos safety Vernon Fox returned 45 yards for a first quarter touchdown.

The real story of this game, and of the 2008 season, has been the Broncos' utter ineptitude at home and their collective poise and performance on the road.

The Broncos now stand at 4-2 on the road coming off comeback wins against Cleveland and Atlanta and this commanding victory against the J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets.

Road warriors, perhaps, but New York fans should be very familiar with inconsistent teams who get hot at the right time due to their ability to perform at a high level in front of belligerent opposing fans.

The 2007 New York Giants were muddling around in mediocrity for much of their Super Bowl season. After ripping off six straight wins, they lost two of three to drop their record to 7-4.

Then, after notching three straight road wins and snatching a Wild Card spot with a 10-6 record, the Giants went on the road for three playoff wins against the Buccaneers, Cowboys, and Packers before knocking off the perfect Patriots in the Super Bowl.

Now, this is not a Super Bowl guarantee for the Broncos, far from it, but teams that find ways to beat good teams on the road are able to gain the confidence needed to continue their streak of solid play into January.

With a three-game lead on the San Diego Chargers with four games left in 2008, the Broncos seem headed to the playoffs for the first time since 2005.

The four remaining games include two home bouts with the 2-10 Chiefs and the free-falling Bills and two roadies against 9-3 Carolina and the hated rival Chargers to end the season.

Though it would take a mini-miracle for the Broncos to not make the playoffs, there is no time to get cocky, not with the way these Broncos have built us up one week only to break us down the next.

If they take care of Kansas City at home next week, like they should, they could make the end of the season drama with San Diego a moot point.

But the last two weeks have proven that on any given Sunday, anything can happen

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 13 Part 2

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Jerricho Cotchery on how Brett Favre has inspired the Jets to becoming a decent team:
"He is the notorious butt-slapper. You have to watch out for him because you may be stretching out or something, and he just comes out of nowhere."

Look. It's totally Favre's fun personality. It's definitely not Thomas Jones' career year. Or the seasoning of Darrelle Revis and David Harris. Or the additions of Calvin Pace, Kris Jenkins, Alan Faneca, and rookie Dwight Lowery. Definitely Brett Favre's jaunty personality.
_____________________________________________________________________
...And the rest...

San Fransisco @ Buffalo

I give thanks for Trent Edwards actually being entertaining and engaging in interviews, unlike 97% of all athletes, especially golfers. I give thanks for Mike Singletary's belt (possibly his suspenders). I give thanks for Beast Mode all up in your d-line's grill.

Winner: Buffalo

Baltimore @ Cincinnati

I give thanks for the hit Adam Sandler vehicle about prison football, The Longest Yard, on which I believe this game was based. I give thanks to plea bargains and knife-murders-at-large. I give thanks for teams named after Edgar Allen Poe poems. I wish Keats was from Cincinnati. Then they could be the Cincinnati Belle Dame sans Merci. That's pretty hardcore, right?

Winner: Baltimore

New Orleans @ Tampa Bay

I give thanks for Drew Brees not playing for the Chargers anymore. I give thanks for the Barry Sanders Jr. (Reggie Bush) being a terrible running back (though he is a good receiver). I give thanks for creole food. This has nothing to do with football, but I had a really good honeyed biscuit and some cajun home fries this morning for brakfast. They were really good... Much better than the Saints, who are so 2006 anyway. I would give thanks for the Buccaneers in one way or another, but they are really bland and I couldn't care less about them.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Football Giants @ Washington

I give thanks for huge divisional games like this. I give anti-thanks to the Giants for letting Tiki Barber and Michael Strahan retire. I should not have to listen to them on television. I would gladly give thanks to anyone who could fire them. I give thanks for Eli Manning's hair. I give thanks for all 6 feet and 2 inches of firecracker that make up Jim Zorn.

Winner: Washington. Why Not?

Miami @ St. Louis

I give thanks for Chad Pennington's 93.4 passer rating. I give thanks for the Dolphins' incredible yards after the catch ability that could give Pennington a 8.0 yards per attempt average, especially considering Pennington has never thrown a pass longer than maybe six yards in his whole life. I give thanks for St. Louis continuing to go out there and play each gam for no reason, and to no avail.

Winner: Miami

Indianapolis @ Cleveland

I give thanks for Peyton Manning's forehead. I give thanks for Romeo Crennel's stunning physique. I give thanks for Brady Quinn's poor play and season-ending injury. I really give thanks for that.

Winner: Indianapolis

Carolina @ Green Bay

I give thanks for snowy games at Lambeau. I give thanks for Jake Delhomme throwing four interceptions and still beating the Raiders. I give thanks for Jordan Gross' surname.

Winner: Green Bay

Atlanta @ San Diego

I give thanks for Eli Manning and Roethlisberger getting rings before Philip Rivers. I give thanks to any person who has ever sacked Philip Rivers in their NFL career. I give thanks to anyone who has ever sacked Philip Rivers in their college career. I pretty much give thanks to anyone who has ever treated Philip Rivers poorly in any way--that guy sucks a lot.

Winner: Atlanta (please)

Denver @ Football Jets

I give thanks for Peyton Hillis and Spencer Larsen. I give thanks for Brett Favre's beard. I give thanks for Vinny Testeverde (he's gotta be out there somewhere keeping it real). I give thanks for Deanna Favre's jealousy over all the ass-slappings Brett's teammate's get, while she sits at home alone waxing poetic. Seriously does shit just happen to the Favre family so that they can overcome it courageously, making everyone (especially Tony Kornheiser) adore them even more?

Winner: Unfortuantely the Football Jets

Pittsburgh @ New England

It's hard to give thanks when Matt Cassell comes in and plays as well as he has, but I'll try. I give thanks for the Steelers offensive line. I give thanks for Randy Moss playing like he's back in a Raiders uniform. I give thanks for whoever discovered the Patriots cheating. I give thanks for tarnished "dynasties."

Winner: New England

Kansas City @ Oakland

Sigh. I give thanks to Al Davis' senility. I give thanks to Raiders fans proudly embarrassing themselves every home game. I give thanks to the lady that reported Larry Johnson's salivary projections. I give thanks to Deangelo Hall.

Winner: Kansas City

Chicago @ Minnesota

I give thanks for Rex Grossman. I give thanks for Gus Frerotte. I give thanks for contstant interceptions and fumbles. I give thanks for the Vikings failed expectations. I give thanks to the Booty and Birk families for keeping their proud names alive.

Winner: Minnesota

Jacksonville @ Houston

I give thanks for Steve Slaton being on the waiver wire. I give thanks for Ahman Green's season ending injury (sorry Ahman). I give thanks to Ron Jaworski for keeping MNF football somewhat watchable. I give thanks for a weak thanksgiving premise strung out far longer than it ever should have been.

Winner: Houston

Last Week: 9-6
Earlier This Week: 3-0
Overall: 91-57

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 13 Part 1

Since there are three Thanksgiving games tomorrow, I figured I should get my picks in beforehand (unlike last week). Since I am pressed for time at the moment, I am only going to do the three Thanksgiving games today and finish the rest, in the normal format, by Sunday. As is apropos, the picks will be Thanksgiving themed.

Tennessee @ Detroit

I am thankful for Tennessee playing in this game, because otherwise it would be unwatchable. With the Titans, it deserves at least a quick cursory glance, but that's about it. I am thankful for Kerry Collins' gamesmanship, and how everyone forgot that he is a racist alcoholic. I am thankful for Calvin Johnson and Daunte Culpepper because they are the only players on the team that anyone knows. They will save Collinsworth and Gumbel, or whoever else is doing this, from excessive dead air time. I am also thankful for CBS broadcasting on channel which people can watch. I would be more thankful, though, if there was a competitive game being played.

Winner: Tennessee

Seattle @ Dallas

I am thankful for homeless people and elderly couples with flat tires, because otherwise there would be no way for Tony Romo to show off how charitable he is. I am thankful for Jerry Jones' plastic face. I am thankful for teary-eyed press conferences where prima donnas repeat obvious things like "that's my quarterback." I am thankful for Homecoming Weekend in Dallas. The Jones family will surely have a wonderful time. I am thankful for multiple felons who are named after video game characters being allowed to play football after having spent more time in court, therapy and rehab than at practice. I am thankful for FOX broadcasting this game on a channel which people can actually watch.

Winner: Dallas

Arizona @ Philadelphia

I am thankful for desperate teams--from the coaches and front office down to the players. I am thankful for an 85-year old quarterback leading the NFL in passer rating and tied for first in prayers. I am thankful for Anquan Boldin's new face. I am thankful for Philadelphia's under-performance with and exceptionally talent roster, especially after they were a preseason Super Bowl pick by many. I am thankful for press conferences in which long-time NFL quarterbacks admit they don't know basic rules, but make up for it by using "which" every other sentence so that they sound slightly more intelligent. I am thankful for a sport forcing its players to play on a national, family-oriented holiday. I am thankful for the patriotism of Thanksgiving football. Nothing says America more than avoiding actually talking to your family on a family holiday, so that you can watch a brutally violent sport on television. "And I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..." I am not, however, thankful for the goddamn NFL Network and it's horrible policies regarding service providers.

Winner: Philadelphia (riding the despration train)

I'll BRB with the rest in the next few games. LOL! BTW LMAO!

20 Things I Enjoy More Than Watching the Broncos Right Now

I'm not going to dignify the Broncos' Week 12 effort with a detailed, analytical response.

Therefore, here are a list of things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose in a frustratingly embarrassing manner:

1. Creed
2. High School Musical
3. Watching Roseanne sing the National Anthem
4. Brett Favre
   
5. Shotgunning Natty Light
6. The New York Yankees
7. Passing a kidney stone
8. Sitting through a Wagnerian opera
9. Reading a Jane Austen novel
10. Romantic comedies starring Matthew McConaughey
11. MTV
12. Vomiting
13. Standing in line at the DMV
14. Getting kicked in the groin
15. Watching The Vagina Monologues with Andrew Dice Clay
16. Getting stuck in rush-hour traffic
17. Hunting with Dick Cheney
18. Drinking the water in Mexico
19. Frank TV commercials
20. An evening with Pacman Jones

Those are just a few of the things I enjoy more than watching the Broncos lose the way they did yesterday.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 12

Whoopsies, little late. Well, I'm in this thing they call "school" and it is quiet time consuming, as well as tedious after 17+ years. So, my sincerest apologies to my one fan (whoever you are, thanks for the support).

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote(s) of the Week

This one will be a little series of awesomeness...

Troy Williamson on his beloved former coach, Brad Childress:

"If y'all can give this to coach Childress, we can meet on the 50-yard line. We can go at it. I'd even tie my hands around my back."

Very kinky, Troy.

Brad Childress on Williamson's proposal:

"I’m not like woman I’ll give you my weight. It’s 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite."

Even kinkier.

Jared Allen on this "fight:"

"He’s got a badass mustache. I put my money on whoever has a kickass mustache."

Kickass, bro. Though, I wouldn't call his mustache kickass. It's more like a come hang out in the back of my rusty van mustache. The real issue, though, is that Jared Allen is gambling. Pete Rose would be ashamed of Mr. Allen. Tisk. Tisk.

____________________________________________________________________

Cincinnati @ Pittsburgh

Kinda late here, but why not? So, Roethlisberger has bodyguards that follow him around at all times. I guess he’s famous and doesn’t want to get injured by any haters. But my main question is: Where were these bodyguards on his fateful motorcycle ride. Shouldn’t at least one of them, as guards of his body, said something like, “Hey Ben, maybe you shouldn’t be riding a motorcycle at 80 mph without a helmet. That might, ya know, be worse than some member of the Dawg Pound challenging you to a fist fight. Maybe it’s just me.” Large Ben also has his own BBQ sauce, with the imaginative name Big Ben's BBQ. To that I say, Ultimate cage match 2008! Ed McCaffrey’s Horseradish Sauce vs. Big Ben’s BBQ Sauce. Ultimate showdown! There can be only one Highlander!

Winner: Eddie Mac's radish from horses sauce. That shit is good on Eddie Mac and Cheese. Why couldn't Rod Smith's name have been Rod Cheddar or Rod Limburger? Mac and Cheese would have been a dynamic nickname for a dynamic duo. (I think I just threw up a little in my mouth)

Philadelphia @ Baltimore

Since actor/Eagles fan/songwriter/puzzle piece Ryan Phillipe picked the Eagles, I should probably pick them. He's the star of Gosford Park and Deadly Invasion: The Killer Bee Nightmare! But I'm not sold on them. Though the Giants went medieval on their buttocks last week, I still think the Ravens are a decent team. I seriously hope I'm wrong, though. Ryan Phillipe needs 8 wins to tie Gavin Rossdale of the hit band Bush!

Winner: Baltimore

Houston @ Cleveland

Ladies and gentlemen, I now present to you another short section from the screenplay for my upcoming film Shit Show...

Phil Savage arrives home after a long hard day of Brady Quinn calling him a fag. His wife has just finished dinner and the family sits down together for the meal.
Mrs. Savage: Honey, how was your day?
Phillip: Go root for Buffalo-Fuck you
Mrs. Savage: That's good, hun. Guess what! I took the kids to the zoo today to see the giraffes and the buffaloes.
Philly: Go marry a buffalo-Fuck you
Mrs. Savage: I know. It was a lot of fun.
Little Billy Savage: Papa, I got an A on my social studies test!
Philly Baby: Go have your test pay the bills-Fuck you

It continues as such for a while. I think it's pretty good. I especially like the bills/Bills wordplay there at the end of the excerpt. I would post the whole screenplay, but I'm under contractual obligations to Dreamworks Pictures to keep it on the hush hush.

Winner: Cleveland because of Sage Rosenfels and his sissy name.

Tampa Bay @ Detroit

Oh, Lions fans. I'm amazed that there are any of you out there, but you just keep sticking around. You're like John Travolta--there's absolutely no reason for you to still exist and yet, you do! You just won't go away. I'm going to go out on a limb and say you go 0-16. Then you can join the hallowed likes of the 1976 Buccaneers, whom you, rather ironically, play this Sunday. Jon Gruden works too hard to lose to you. He's diagramming plays while he bangs his wife. He is watching game film at his daughter's soccer game. Actually, Jon Gruden is too manly to have a soccer-playing daughter. She's probably an aspiring MMA fighter.

Winner: Tampa Bay

Buffalo @ Kansas City

Oh, Tyler Thigpen, you complete me (and my fantasy team). You went from being one of the worst quarterbacks ever to being one of the best performers in recent weeks. And Herm Edwards, he of having few coaching attributes besides playing to win the game, is your coach. You must be audibling at the line of scrimmage for every play. There's no way you could throw a touchdown on a Herm Edwards-called play. That is impossible. Also, Tyler, while I'm speaking to you, will you please spit in Larry Johnson's face in the huddle? That would be so satisfying.

Winner: Buffalo. My main man Trent Edwards will get back on track.

Chicago @ St. Louis

While we're talking about fantasy football, the Rams, like the Lions, are a frickin' goldmine. They're like buying an IPO of Microsoft. Or like being good bros with company insiders like Mark Cuban. Basically any player that you start against the Lions or Rams is guaranteed twenty points. Watch out now! Garret Wolfe might put up 30!

Winner: Chicago

Football Jets @ Tennesee

This game is TITANIC. Woo! Touchdown me. Anyways, this is a very significant game in terms of the playoff photograph. One if these teams is likely to get the first seed in the AFC. Kerry Collins could ride that home field advantage all the way to the Super Bowl and endorsements deals, while Brett Farve gunslings his way to the AFC championship on the road. Maybe Kerry Collins would start getting in commercials. Is he comfortable in wranglers? Does he wear faded #5 t-shirts when he's not being music city (un)miraculous for the Titans on Sunday? He'd at least be good for Country Music Television promos. It's not hard to be happy when I'm looking at you too, Kerry.

Winner: Football Jets

New England @ Miami

I guess people are warming up to Matt Cassell. People are even discussing if they should trade Tom Brady. Peter King talked about it in his weekly love poem to Brett Favre, I mean column. Does Matt Cassell wear Stetson Cologne? Are there any single supermodels for him to date? Does Matty have any children out of wedlock? These are the real questions you must ask when evaluating a quarterback.

Winner: Wildcat!

Minnesota @ Jacksonville

I have to continue with the Williamson-Childress soap opera. I really want to see them fight. If Williamson wins, he should be allowed to kill Childress' grandmother and take away Childress' paycheck for his bereavement week. If Childress wins, he has to fight Jack Del Rio. I'm curious to see if Childress' 190 pounds of twisted steel and rompin', stompin' dynamite are a match for Del Rio's 250 pounds of leather jacket-wearing former linebacker. Man, that would be hilarious to watch.

Winner: Jacksonville

San Fransisco @ Dallas

If you haven't heard, Marion Barber is like a closer in baseball. Al Michaels explained it to me for about 20 minutes last Sunday evening. He compared Barber to Brad Lidge. So what does that make the rest of the team? I guess Tony Romo has to be Cole Hamels. It goes without saying that Wade Phillips is Charlie Manuel. They are both jolly, old fat men--the Santa Claus's of their respective sports. I guess Jason Witten is Chase Fuckin' Utley, with less fuckin' profanity (lift your proud fists to the sky, Jayson Werth, to the glory of the word "fuckin'"). Jay Ratliff is Ryan Howard I guess, since they're both overweight and black. But who is Terrell Owens? I can't think of any whiny bitches on the Phillies. Oh well.

Winner: Dallas

Oakland @ Denver

Everyone is all aflutter about Spencer Larsen playing offense and defense (as well as special teams). With 95% of the Broncos starters injured, they might think of some other players who could play both sides. Ryan Clady should be getting snaps at defensive tackle, since nobody else on the Broncos can play that position. Jay Cutler played safety in high school, and the situation there is about the same as defensive tackle. Jamie Winborn could try out some wideout. Last Sunday showed that he can't catch balls thrown directly at him. He would fit right in with the Broncos receiving core, who happen to lead the NFL in dropped passes. He definitely has the personality of a wideout with his desire to celebrate after anything happens ever. Tackling for an 8 yard gain? Yell and pump your fists. 70 yard reception nowhere near Winborn? The sack dance. Touchdown for which Winborn was directly responsible? Bring out the props, because this is worth the penalty.

Winner: Denver

Carolina @ Atlanta

Matt Ryan has been Marino-esque in his rookie year, but he had a 71.5 passer rating against the Broncos defense. That's embarassing. Damon Huard did better than that. Bode well for Matt Ryan, that does not. Now Ryan faces the somehow 8-2 Panthers with their fifth ranked pass defense. Momentum is not on Atlanta's side. Add to that, their former quarterback and puppy cuddler, Michael Vick, plans to play in the NFL when he is released next summer. He might be able to play running back for the Bengals.

Winner: Carolina

Football Giants @ Arizona

Kurt Warner and his lord and savior Jesus Christ are leading the NFL in passer rating, by a lot. He is also a free agent at the end of the season and has told Mrs. Warner that he's strongly considering retiring, probably to enter priesthood. Remember Matt Leinart? The guy who couldn't pass the ball with Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin as his wide receivers? Well, he's still alive and he's got a future WNBA-playing daughter to support. He could very well be the Cardinals starting QB next year. The Cardinals better win the Super Bowl this year. Leinart might win one game for them for the remainder of his career. How Leinart and Vince Young were picked ahead of Jay Cutler amazes me every Sunday.

Winner: Football Giants. Sorry, not sold on the run-less Cardinals.

* This thing is getting way too long without the bye weeks. I'm going to keep the next few short and sweet, just in case anybody has made it this far.

Washington @ Seattle

Mike Holmgren is fat and has a mustache.

Winner: Washington

Indianapolis @ San Diego

Philip Rivers is an asshole and I hope he dies by plane crash in the Bermuda Triangle. Peyton Manning probably knows that you can't tie in a commercial.

Winner: Indianapolis

Green Bay @ New Orleans

Drew Brees has a leech on his face. Remember when Brett Favre used to be on the Packers and hadn't completely destroyed his reputation? Those were the days.

Winner: Green Bay

Last Week: 9-7 (counted the tie as a loss for me)
Overall: 79-51

Denver Broncos: Beware the Trap Game

Let's reminisce, shall we? The date? September 28, 2008. The place? Arrowhead Stadium. The situation? The 3-0 Denver Broncos saunter into Kansas City to face the 0-3 Chiefs.

The Broncos, coming off three heart-stopping victories thanks to their high-octane offense, were supposed to waltz into KC and wipe the floor with a team that hadn't won a football game since October 21, 2007.

Funny thing happened on the way to that victory though.

Nobody told the Chiefs.

In a sloppy game that included a fumble each from Brandon Marshall and Eddie Royal, and two interceptions by Cutler, the Chiefs gained 213 yards on the ground and trampled the Broncos 33-19.

Fast forward to today.

• B/R Ticket Guide
• Denver Broncos @ New York Jets
  on Sun, Nov 30 at 1:00PM
  Tickets from
  $38

Coming off two comeback wins against the Browns and Falcons, the Broncos have played with a rejuvenated confidence epitomized by Jay Cutler taking control in the fourth quarter of each game to lead his team down the field and onto victory.

At 6-4 and with a two game lead in the AFC West, the Broncos are in the driver's seat and on the fast track to a playoff spot as they welcome the lowly Raiders into Invesco Field at Mile High on Sunday.

The Broncos, however, need to beware.

Yes, the Raiders haven't scored an offensive touchdown in the last three weeks, and yes, they've only tallied nine offensive touchdowns all season. They're 2-8, disjointed on defense, anemic on offense, and their best player is kick returner Johnnie Lee Higgins.

But that doesn't mean the Broncos will win by simply showing up.

Their win against the Falcons was arguably their most solid victory of the season. The offense's four drives in the second half went touchdown, field goal, touchdown, victory formation, and their porous run defense held the Falcons high-powered rushing attack to just 113 yards.

They need to build off the momentum created by that success against a tough Falcons squad, and not simply look ahead to their November 30 tilt against the New York Jets in the Big Apple.

If they take the Raiders for granted, it could be deja vu all over again.

Dr. Eric's Lead Pipe Lock Intel Report Preview Analyst Over/Under Pig Skin Pick 'Em: Week 11

The WTF LOL Bewildering Out-of-Context Quote of the Week

Let's go with something apropos.

Dan O'Dowd on Greg Smith:

"He really knows how to carve people up."

Is that such a good thing? Come on, it's almost thanksgiving. For the record, if I see Greg Smith carving people up, I will call the police.

_____________________________________________________________________

New York Jets @ New England

So the Patriots are 6-3 without Tom Brady and the Jets are 6-3 with Brett Favre. I'm confused. Football is on Thursday night before Thanksgiving. Confused again. The NFL made it's own network with exclusive rights to highly watchable games such as this. Okay, that makes perfect sense. Four people in the entire world can watch the NFL Network, and that includes the people who work on the show. Now I'm confused again.

Winner: New England

Denver @ Atlanta

Remember Tatum Bell? He had a 99 purse stealing attribute in Madden. He also had a -99 in carrying. For some reason Mike Shanahan chose Tatum because he knew the offense, because "has played well when he has played here," and "he was the only one left." Was Mike Bell shipwrecked in the Bermuda Triangle or something? He had eight touchdowns in 2006. He did well before the coaching staff decided he no longer deserved to play in 2007. Let's not forget, Tatum Bell redefined the phrase "fumble prone" in 2006. I don't get it. Just like I don't get how Mike Smith can coach up his crappy defense so well. Cutler better throw well.

Winner: Atlanta (Last week I picked against the Broncos and they won. Fingers crossed.)

Detroit @ Carolina

I bet those crazy coaches are going to start Drew Stanton now. He's had a year and nine games to learn the offense. But Daunte Culpepper is Daunte Culpepper! He can scramble and throw exceptionally well! Oh wait, it's not 2004. Culpepper had a couple days to learn this "offense" and he blows without Randy Moss. I wonder how many wins Jon Kitna declared the Lions would have this year. P.S. Never come out of retirement to quarterback the Lions; it's just common sense.

Winner: Carolina

Philadelphia @ Cincinnati

Ryan Fitzpatrick cajoled his Ivy League education into a victory against the Jaguars before their bye week, while a group of barely educated convicts supported him on offense and defense. Congratulations, Bengals, you are no longer as embarrassing as the Lions. You've won one whole game! Amazing! I'd kind of like to know, though, one single coaching skill Marvin Lewis in which Marvin Lewis excels. He's supposed to be a defensive guru, but his defenses have always been devastatingly bad. He can't motivate. If he dropped his pants, his players would probably steal his wallet. He can't player evaluate, since most of his team has been arrested. He can't really do anything.

Winner: Philadelphia

New Orleans @ Kansas City

Want to know something disturbing? Tyler Thigpen has a 104.6 passer rating over the last three games and that includes a game against the good Buccaneers defense and a the respectable Jets defense. He's fast, has a strong arm and, from what I've seen lately, is quite accurate. I guess he has a quick learning curve, because in weeks 2-3 he made J.T. O'Sullivan look like a Hall of Famer.

Winner: New Orleans

Baltimore @ Football Giants

Some people have been calling the 08 Giants one of the best teams of all time. Uh... no. They're very good, but definitely not the best. If Eli Manning is your quarterback, you are not among the best teams of all time. Eli and Earth, Wind & Fire will have a lot to show against the Ravens stout D this week. On the other side, the Ravens 3-man, fantasy-murdering rushing attack will have to man-up against Fred Robbins and Co. Something intriguing: the Ravens offensive line averages 24.4 years of age. Quite astonishing, actually, for the team with the third most rushing yards in the NFL.

Winner: Football Giants

Minnesota @ Tampa Bay

That was a big win against the Packers last week. Who would have thought Mason "Mr. Charisma" Crosby would have missed that field goal with his exceptional leg? And who would have thought a man of that size could do karate? This week, Brad "I'm just going around the neighborhood letting everyone know that I'm a convicted sex offender" Childress faces off against Jon "I work so hard I haven't seen my kids in 10 years" Gruden. The Bucs hope Cadillac Williams will rejuvenate their rushing attack and, basically horrible offense in general. Maybe he would once upon a 2005.

Winner: Minnesota

Oakland @ Miami

Last year, if this game happened, the NFL would have committed suicide. Luckily for everyone involved, the Dolphins are actually decent, though their fancy, new-fangled single wing offense is sputtering. What is this? The Great Depression? The Oakland Raiders, meanwhile, are scoring 12.6 points per game and are virtually unwatchable. Just score a touchdown, baby!

Winner: Miami

Chicago @ Green Bay

I bet Brett Favre called Rex Grossman to tell him about what kind of offense he ran while he was in Green Bay. Here are my guesses for the main points:
1. Gunsling
2. Throw as hard as you can
3. Heave the ball wildly at any player you see
I think Grossman had number three on lock. We'll see how he adapts to one and two.

Winner: If Grossman plays, Green Bay. If Orton plays, Chicago.

Houston @ Indianapolis

Matt Schaub is still out with a knee injury, so it's Sage Rosenfels. Of course every game he's played in, they've lost. His name is Sage. An offense needs a QB with a name they can get behind. Hunter or Shooter or Maximus or Brett Favre. Even Bearded McGunslinger.

Winner: Indianapolis

St. Louis @ San Fransisco

I know this game must occur twice, but seriously. Can't they just split the series and not subject anyone to this shit show? The 49ers gave it a hell of a go there at the end against the Cardinals, but their clock management was embarrassing. Also, what's the deal with the touching/falling over/tackle rule? Frank Gore clearly was unaffected by the d-lineman who touched him. He fell over by himself. That should have been a touchdown. If the rule book needs to be changed for that to be a TD, change it.

Winner: San Fransisco

Arizona @ Seattle

Matt Hasselbeck is finally back. He doesn't really have much for which to return. Julius Jones has been running the ball decently, but his wide receivers are weak. Maybe that's why he has been bald his whole life. I don't think the Seahawks have had consistently good wide receivers since Hasselbeck arrived there. He should ask for a 12th man on offense.

Winner: Arizona

Tennessee @ Jacksonville

Tennessee is still unbeaten. Somehow. Some people are calling Kerry Collins the MVP--Tom Jackson, Woody Paige. He has a 78.8 passer rating. He's thrown 5 touchdowns. Simply because he is the quarterback for an undefeated team does no make him the MVP. He isn't even the MVP of his own team. Chris Johnson, Albert Haynesworth, and pretty much any member of their very good offensive and defensive lines--all these players are more valuable than Kerry Collins to his own team. Yes, he doesn't throw ten interceptions per game and cry when he is booed like Vince Young. Being better than Vince Young doesn't make you MVP, it makes you 97% of the NFL.

Winner: Jacksonville

San Diego @ Pittsburgh

I think Shawne Merriman gave Philip "the sun is in my eyes, bro" Rivers some steroids for his body and brain. There's no way he is this good. Not even close. Just look at his face; he's an idiot... and an a-hole. He also can't throw the ball more than ten yards. Something nefarious is going on with this jerk.

Winner: Pittsburgh

Dallas @ Washington

I guess Jessica Simpson kissed Tony Romo's pinky and made it better. Now he's back and so is the Dallas offense. Unfortunately, Romo's return is poorly timed for the Redskins, as Clinton Portis is unlikely for the game. Probably no Hip Hip Hoorays for Jim Zorn. Daniel Snyder will murder you if you fail.

Winner: Dallas

Cleveland @ Buffalo

So the Browns are mad at Kellen Winslow for telling the press he had a staph infection. Okay, they wanted to keep it in the locker room. That's understandable. But... EVERYONE SAID THERE WAS SOMETHING WRONG WITH HIS BALLS. Is it not understandable for him to let everyone know that he doesn't have syphilis or something? Calm down there, Browns.

Winner: Buffalo

Last Week: 10-5
Overall: 70-44