Rockies Re.....ah, who cares. They don't deserve a snappy title.

I'm not going to say much about the Rockies because frankly, what more can be said? They suck. They have no heart. They've lost 9 in a row on the road, 5 in a row to start this 10 game road trip, and blew a 9-1 lead today to lose 10-9 to the Cubs. This is the low point of the season. I say that because I can't even fathom what more they could do to lose a baseball game. Bash 3 home runs and lose? Check. Have your ace on the mound staked to an 8 run lead? Check. Commit costly errors late in the game with a lead? Check. These guys aren't playing like Major Leaguers. Hell, they aren't even playing like Little Leaguers. They have no clutch hitting, no starting pitching, no bullpen, no defense, and no offense. Last time I checked, those were key components of a winning baseball team. We're now 20-35. How the hell did we win 20? Every time we take the field, we know we're going to lose. What do we have to do to win a damn baseball game? Nothing's going to change. I'm sick of watching this team, but I know that come tomorrow, I'll be sitting right here in front of the TV, marveling at another unexplainable loss.

Let's go Broncos. I need some good news.

Rox Recap 5/26/08 (Phrickin' Pathetic)

Watching tonight’s game reminded me of the movie Major League III: Back to the Minors starring the irreplaceable Scott Bakula. You know the movie, where the hotshot AAA manager of a group of misfits challenges the arrogant Major League team owner to a game just to prove how much their heart can overcome the talent of the big club. Of course, Scott Bakula prevails in the Hollywood ending. Watching tonight’s game was like watching what would happen to the minor league team in real life. With the lineup we’re throwing out there every night for at least the next few weeks, I fear we might be in for many similar sickening contests.

1) Our “starter” Jorge de la Rosa, who was only our starter because no one else this side of Spilly is going to replace him, served up more meatballs than Emeril Lagasse. No matter how hard you throw a fastball, and Rosie can only get it up to 93 when he muscles up, if there is no movement on it Major League hitters will rock you. Facing the Phillies lineup right now is like running head first into a moving buzzsaw. After scoring 15 runs yesterday against the Astros they put up another 20 off our “pitching staff” tonight. This has to be Rosie's last start for the Rockies because we can’t continue to throw AA pitchers (at best) into the fire of a Major League season. By the way, Rosie was the guy that Dan O’Dowd thought so highly of that he felt it necessary to trade Ramon Ramirez to the Royals back in Spring Training. What has Ram Ram done so far in Kansas City? He’s sporting a sick 2.14 ERA with 25 strikeouts in 21 innings pitched. You think we could have used those numbers in our underachieving bullpen? Dealin’ Dan strikes again.

2) After the top of the first inning in which Spilly blasted a 3 run shot to give us a short lived lead (and the only bright spot of the entire night), the Rockies were outscored 20-1. Three Phillies hitters had 4 or more RBIs including famed Rockie killer Chase Utley who totaled a whopping 6. Out of the 6 Rockies pitchers used, Manny Corpas was the most impressive and with his track record from this season, that’s never a good sign. We totaled 8 walks and 19 hits allowed. We also struck out 10 times including an inexcusable 7 against soft tossing, 45 year old lefty Jamie Moyer who last cracked 90 miles an hour on a pitch during the Clinton era. It’s one thing to be a team full of impatient young hitters who have trouble staying back against a crafty veteran, but to not make any adjustments throughout the course of a 9 inning ball game is just indefensible. We’ve prided ourselves on the depth of our farm system and now it’s their time to prove that they’re either prepared for prime time or just another part of our pitiful problems.

3) 20 runs given up by our “pitching staff” in today’s ballgame wasn’t just impressively horrid, it was unwatchable. I found myself enthralled in American Gladiators which was much more entertaining than that sorry excuse for a baseball game. Those contenders on that show have heart that our “pitching staff” can only wish for. One contender actually dislocated his left shoulder during the Eliminator obstacle course, popped it back in, and finished the course in near record time. Oh yeah, and he was legally deaf as well. Why am I talking about American Gladiators on a blog about Rocky Mountain sports? Well, would you want to keep discussing topics that make you want to find the nearest cement wall, take a running start, and just see if you can bash your head right through it? I didn’t think so.

Our first trip back to Philly since our triumph last Rocktober was like watching the new Indiana Jones right after watching Raiders of the Lost Ark. No only did it leave us yearning for past successes, but it made us want to vomit and throw things at our tv.

Go, um, Rapids.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey: MLB Edition

Like most baseball seasons, 2008 has provided fans with some surprise teams. Unlike most seasons, there are several surprise teams. And even less likely, the Rays are one of the surprise teams. Apparently God has guided their bats, gloves, and arms justly after they broke off their deal with the Devil.

Tampa Bay Rays

They currently have the best record in baseball. Their record is a little misleading, however, in that they are outperforming their runs scored/runs allowed expectation. On the other hand, they also are doing it with the second smallest payroll in baseball and with a rather precocious roster. They aren’t hitting particularly well (14^th in team OPS), but are passable. Carlos Pena (of leading the world in Isolated Power fame) and B.J. Upton aren’t hitting quite to their potential, but will come around. Their pitching has vastly improved since the Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull-esque disaster that was their staff last year. They are currently 5^th in OPS against and 6^th in team WHIP. There are a few caveats, by the name of Edwin Jackson and Scott Kazmir, both of whom walk way to many people, and Jackson strikes out far too few (that combo is nones the good). Their pitching will probably level some, but will still remain vastly improved over last year. The Rays have also experienced a drastic improvement in team defense. They have the fewest errors in baseball, for whatever that’s worth. Actually, at the beginning of the year, there was a lot of discussion amongst sabermetricians about how the Rays defense (with Longoria at third, Iwamura at second, Bartlett at short, and Upton in center) was improved so dramatically, that it would add about 6 wins based on defense alone. To top all of the Rays improvements off, they have probably the best group of starting pitching prospects in the majors (Davis, McGee, Price), so their improvements should only continue.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: Affirmative, Sir

Oakland Athletics

Leave it to Billy Beane to put out a team that is tied for the second best Pythagorean record in baseball during a “rebuilding” year. They don’t look particularly good in the hitting department (22^nd in team OPS), though they have had several underperformers (Barton, Buck, Cust, Ellis, Suzuki, Thomas). In honor of Joe Morgan, they are getting “true clutch” hitting—in other words, lucking out and scoring more runs than they should be. This will almost certainly not continue, but maybe the slumping hitters won’t not be not slumping not no longer (i.e. they’ll turn it right round, baby right round. Like a record baby, right round, right round). The Oakland A for Anonymous’s are pretty average at fielding right now, since Jack Cust, like Jeremy Giambi and Jose Canseco before him, doesn’t belong in the field. As soon as Eric Chavez’s DL time is up, and they bring up Carlos Gonzalez to play center, the defense should improve. The primary reason they are having a frickin’ heck of a rebuilding year is that their pitching is otherworldly right now. They are first in baseball in team ERA (by a lot), team OPS against (by a lot), and team WHIP. Country Joe Blanton continues to pitch with poise; Rich Harden is healthy and striking out 50 batters per pitch (almost); The Duke Duchscherer has taken his rotation spot by The Day After Tomorrow-caliber storm; Greg Smith and Dana Eveland have followed suit with their minor league careers; and the bullpen, with the likes of Streeter, Foulke, Casilla/Brown (when they’rent hurtified), Devine, Braden and recently Gaudin, has got dis shit on lock, boyeee. Like the Rays, their farm system is looking stocked since last year’s draft and the myriad offseason trades.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: A Resounding Aye, Captain

Florida Marlins

Everyone in the world knows about Hanley Ramirez and his ridiculous talent by now. Not everyone knows that they have one of this year’s best hitters in Dan Uggla (third in VORP in all baseball). Those two have been instrumental in making the Marlins the best slugging team in all of baseball. The issue is that they are pretty poor at the ever-important on-base percentage (26^th in team walks). Couple that with the histories of most of their hitters (except Hermida, who will improve); they should be scoring fewer and fewer runs per game as the season goes on. What pitching they have, so far, looks like a mirage. Olsen has been supremely lucky (.236 BABIP) and so has Renyel Pinto, one of the better (luckier) bullpen arms so far. Andrew Miller is very talented, but also very wild. On the whole, their pitching is far too poor to keep them atop the standings for the rest of the season. As for that other aspect of the game, fielding, they don’t have a single everyday player that really stands out defensively. Well, I guess some of them stand out at being bad defensively. The Marlins don’t really have a lot going for them looking forward (maybe Cameron Maybin in a few years, likewise with a new stadium). Right now, they have all kinds of luck going for them, but it probably won’t last.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: That’s A Negatory, My Good Man

St. Louis Cardinals

Most baseball fans are probably confused by how these scrubs and Albert Pujols have kept up with the overwhelmingly good Cubs so far. Future Hall of Famers Todd Wellemeyer, Ryan Ludwick, and Ryan Franklin, have all had very good years so far to compliment a few decent players (Ankiel, Glaus, Wainwright), and the usurper of Barry Bonds’ throne, Albert Pujols (.474 OBP, are you kidding me?). They undoubtedly have played very well and deserve what they’ve gotten so far (maybe one less win). But will it last? If you think Ludwick will continue to put up the 4th best EqA in baseball, and a rotation that is 80% converted relievers will keep on truckin’, then you probably need to lay off the sauce for a while. Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t a bad team, but they certainly aren’t a good team. A lot of their players will fall back to Earth, while Pujols will try to collect all the balls he has hit into space. Their best prospect, Colby Rasmus, is having a rough go in AAA right now, but he has done nothing but hit in the minors. He should be a very good center fielder (Ankiel belongs in right) when they decide to give him a shot. Walt Jocketty exited stage right with the farm system relatively depleted, leaving John Mozeliak (University of Colorado alumnus!) with a tough job. Their major league team looks like a .500 club (not a .577 club) and the farm system needs some fertilizer (get it? Cause of “farm” and plants using fertilizer. That’s probably my greatest joke. It might even be the best joke ever written. I should also point out that Woody Paige is my favorite comedian). The rest of this season (and into the future) looks rather dim for the Cardinals, despite their flamin’ hot Cheetos start.

The Allen Iverson “Do They Keep It Real?” Survey—Prediction: Nay, Says The Jury

Today's Random Quote:
"The eyes are the groin of the head." Dwight K. Schrute (Rainn Wilson) in The (American) Office

Rox Recap 5/25/08 (An Army of the Dead that Bruce Campbell Would Kill To Lead)

Just when you thought it was safe to root for the Rockies, they throw you another curveball. This wasn't your run of the mill yakker, this was a Taylor Buchholz snapdragon. Along with the recent placing of our starting right fielder and our hottest hitter on the disabled list, our Triple Crown leader (batting average, home runs, and rbi) has sat out the last two games with a stiff neck (is that really an injury?), and our starting centerfielder has recently skinned his knee and his mommy won’t let him play with the other boys until it heals. On top of that entire mess, now we have to deal with Big Daddy, Matt Holliday, arguably the best hitter in all of baseball sitting out for at least a couple weeks with a strained hamstring suffered in yesterday’s ballgame. If you follow the Colorado Springs Sky Sox religiously (and if you do, um, congrats) you would be very familiar with the lineup Skip Hurdle picked out of a hat today. Here was our starting 9:

CF Scott Podsednik
2B Johnny Herrera
1B Todd Helton
LF Ryan Spilborghs
RF Seth Smith
3B Ian Stewart
C Yorvit Torrealba
SS Omar Quintanilla
P Aaron Cook

Compare that to our Opening Day lineup and you’ll see what we’re dealing with:

CF Willy Taveras (bum knee)
SS Troy Tulowitzki (torn groin…that hurts even to type)
1B Todd Helton (having Vietnam flashbacks of the Big Head Todd and the Toddlers days)
LF Matt Holliday (strained hammy)
3B Garrett Atkins (stiff neck…seriously, take a Motrin or something)
RF Brad Hawpe (strained hammy…calisthenics anyone?)
C Yorvit Torrealba (and Iannetta isn’t playing…why?)
2B Jayson Nix (didn’t understand that offense was a part of the game)
P Jeff Francis (if I knew why he’s been so terrible, I’d be on the Rox bankroll)

I know we’re not the only team to deal with injuries and no one’s going to feel sorry for us, but this is getting pretty ridiculous. The good news is though, we took 2 of 3 from the NY Mets and finished the homestand with a winning record of 5-4 thanks to a hella performance from Cookie and an prodigious blast from rookie Seth Smith.

1) What can you say about Cookie that hasn’t been said about Will Smith? He always comes to the rescue, he always gives you his all, and he always makes it look good…at least this year. With Carlos Beltran’s 9^th inning groundout (and a ridiculous stop by Johnny Herrera who’s quickly becoming a walking Web-Gem) Big Red finished off his 7^th career complete game and his first since last July 25^th when he needed only 75 pitches to dispatch the Fathers. He worked ahead in the count all day using his bread and butter sinker to induce 16 ground ball outs while striking out 3 and walking only 1. With a 7-3 record and a 2.82 ERA, Cookie is cruising towards an All-Star berth where he won’t even need a pity pick from Skip Hurdle, the National League All-Star manager (Would he still be the manager if he gets fired before the All-Star break? Just a thought.) He’s our ace and he sure pitched like it today in a game we needed.

2) Congrats to last year’s postseason hero Seth Smith who blasted his first career home run into the Rox’ bullpen in right center field. Up until his heroics in the 4^th, the Rox hadn’t mustered anything off Mets starter John Maine. In fact, they hadn’t even squared up a ball and had struck out 6 times in 3 innings. Todd walked, Spilly reached on an error by Jose Reyes, and then came Smith who took a 2-2 fastball on the inside corner and turned it into a souvenir. Those 3 runs were all Cook would need as he finished off the Metties in economical fashion.

The Rox now embark on a tough 3 team, 10 day, 10 game, 3 time zone road trip that will take them to Philly, Chi-Town, and finishing up with three games against Los Los Angeles Doyers. With our AAA lineup, it’s going to be hard to keep up with the smash mouth (All Star) offenses of the Phillies and Cubs, but this homestand was a step in the right direction, even if it didn’t seem that way. I don’t know if we have to perform some kind of ritual to keep the injury bug off our backs but we’re running out of healthy bodies. Can Dinger swing a bat?

Rox Recap 5/23/08 (The League of Clutch Just Got a New Member)

Lately, it seems the only team more snakebit than the Rockies are the NY Mets. No longer anyone’s favorite squadron, the NY Mets endured a collapse of historic proportions last September, blowing a 7.5 game lead to the Phillies in the last 17 days of the season. Then they went out and landed their big gun, their noisy cricket, by trading for “Don’t Mess With the Johan” Santana, figuring he would be the rock they needed to take them to the upper echelon of Major League teams and erase the bitter taste of their late season choke. Instead, the NY Mets are scuffling along at 22-24, Santana has been decent (5-3, 3.36 ERA, 58/15 K/BB ratio), but there have been rumblings about his lack of velocity and inability to win important games. Their manager Willie Randolph is on the hot seat to keep his job and has begun to gripe to the media about what he believes is a racial bias in how he is portrayed. Add all that up and you have got one dysfunktional team heading for a major overhaul in the way they play the game and who will actually be there to play it. It’s only fitting that they then come into our house and become the victims of our first walk off win of the season.
1) Big Daddy only went 2-7 in this 13 inning affair but man did he make the 2 count. With 1 out and nobody on in the 9^th, down by 1, he stepped to the plate against uber-closer Billy Wagner who came into the game sporting a spotless 0.00 ERA and 9 saves. He hadn’t given up a home run either until Matty unloaded on a fastball on the outside corner. He roped a home run to dead center field that couldn’t have gotten more than 15 feet off the ground at any point of its trajectory. Then, in the 13^th, the game still tied at 5, he took an 0-1 pitch from Aaron Heilman to right field to knock in Johnny Herrera with the game winning run. Talk about clutch. For a team that hasn’t had many clutch moments to brag about this year, this was a game to remember. Though the calendar said May, it sure as hell felt like September.
2) G-Rain (that’s Greg Reynolds, I’m trying to get it to catch on) pitched an uneven ballgame. A sinkerballer not known for the strikeout, Reynolds tallied 5 in 6 innings of work. He was pitching efficiently though his ball/strike ratio wasn’t exactly impressive (37/47) until the 6^th inning when he served up cold, hard blasts to Carlos “The Latin Travis Hafner” Delgado (that’s not a compliment, look at their statlines the last few years) and Fernando “Omar Minaya owed me a favor” Tatis who was last seen stocking shelves at your local Kroger. He did only allow 4 hits, but he also walked 3 including the opposing pitcher Oliver Perez. It will be a process to get him going like it is with most young pitchers but he showed enough promise last night to make me believe he’s going to be special.
3) The turning point in the ball game (besides the obvious homer in the 9^th by Big Daddy) was T-Rex’ pick off of Jose Reyes at second base with nobody out in the 10^th inning. After leading off with a double, you can imagine the groans and gripes about Fuentes, especially after blowing the lead in his last appearance on Wednesday. But Fuentes’ move to second can be lethal in small doses, not unlike the underwater black wasps from Anaconda. Right before he picked him off, I leaned over to Eric and told him that Fuentes had a killer move to second and maybe he could catch Reyes napping. Lo and behold, 5 seconds later, Reyes is trudging back to the dugout, the fans are going nuts, and the Rockies have avoided what could have potentially been a back-breaking moment. It also showed that I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

4) Grimes sprained his right knee and will probably have to go on the disabled list, adding to the laundry list of unfortunate occurrences that have befallen the Rockies this season. Our hottest hitter now will spend his next couple of weeks from the sidelines while we try to get our season going. Fantasmatic.

5) Taylor Buchholz, come here, let me hug you. You’ve done nothing but dominate hitters with a steely stare, a yellow snapdragon Uncle Charlie curveball and a Linda Ronstadt fastball (the ol’ Blue Bayou.) Last night you came through once again and pitched 3 strong innings in relief and picked up the win you so rightfully deserved. Cheers to you, Taylor Buchholz. Keep that ERA where it is (1.27) and I think we’ll be just fine.
A turnaround game? Who knows. I’ve already used that one this year. All I know is that we’re 4-3 on this current homestand and need to start winning series if we’re ever going to reach the .500 mark, much less contend. The Franchise goes today, so let’s take 2.
P.S. Congrats to my cousin Justin Masterson who picked up his first Major League win with 6.1 inning of 1 run baseball against the Royals on Wednesday. It will be the first of many. You heard it here first.

State of the NL West: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

Pickewwwww! Pickewwwww! Splosion!

The Good

‘Zona D’Bags

Well, the children got good it appears—in a hurry. They are scoring and preventing runs and so far their Pythagorean record is identical to their actual record. That means they are winning legitimately, unlike that travesty to baseball that was their 2007 season. Conor Jackson is finally hitting with some power and really coming into his own. They also have Upton, Drew and Hudson hitting very well too. On top of that, Brandon Webb continues to show everyone that he plays for keeps. They also happen to have one of the best pitchers in baseball (and unfortunately one of my favorite players) in Dan Haren. As if that wasn’t enough, Micah Owings decided he was going to be a good pitcher overnight, and, of course, he continues to hit like Barrold Bonds. Why did they make him a pitcher instead of their left fielder? As for the next wave of youth, they have Max Scherzer looking talented, but rather unrefined. They also have Jarrod Parker and Gerardo Parra. Parker is an almost-as-diminutive-as-Lincecum right-hander with a Terminator. Parra is apparently a six-tool player, with a hose (arm), wheels, power, contact, glove, and a belt sander. Luckily, they don’t have a whole lot else in the system since the A’s cleaned them out in the Haren trade, and for some reason unbeknownst to intelligence, they traded Carlos Quentin.

Lohs Ahnyehleis Doiyers

Who the hell thought they would actually win a few games? Well, I guess a lot of analysts did—against logic, in my opinion. Loney and Kemp are overrated. Jones and Garciaparra aren’t only over the hill, they fell off the cliff. Penny and Lowe always seem to perform better than they actually are. And Juan Pierre should not be paid to play baseball. On the other hand, Ethier is good. Furcal is even better (though disabled listed). Martin is stuck off the realness. Blake DeWitt decided to be good!?!?!?!1198710!> And Broxton and Saito are holding down the fort—though it should be a couch cushion fort. Like the Bags, their farm system seems a little depleted. Clayton Kershaw, though, has pitched frighteningly well so far in his professional career. He will soon be embarrassing major league hitters with his all-world yellow snapdragon Uncle Charlie yacker hook majig. They also have Andy LaRoche who is a certified Professor Murder when it comes to baseballs. But most importantly (and probably the reason they've won all those game), Danny Ardoin is on their team! Seriously, Danny Ardoin is their backup catcher. In case you’re too young to remember, Ardoin used to be the Rockies starting catcher. He also is yet, to this day, to get his first major league hit after just over 400 plate appearances. Danny Ardoin… oh, man. Ned Coletti, you genius!

The Bad

Coloradee Shit-kickers

I probably can skip this section. Anthony and I have discussed pretty much everything that could be said here. Cliff Notes: awful pitching, underperformance, bad managing, but also a pretty decent draft last year (so far). There is a little hope with the promising 2007 draft, Reynolds doing well, Iannetta remembering how to hit, and Jimenez’s 44-leaf clover that he found three starts ago. At least they don’t have Danny mother-flippin’ Ardoin.

The Ugly

Berkeley Shittie Hippies

Maybe they should be in The Bad section, since they have a better record than the Rockies (though their Pythagorean record suggests they shouldn’t). But I just can’t help but think they have one of the worst farm systems in the country. Maybe this new Ethanol fuel is getting to them. Hey, it hurts us all. I have to pay more money for beer. Latin Americans can’t afford corn tortillas anymore. So, quit your bitchin’ Giants. Their major league system (?) is equally, possibly more, crappy than their minor league system. Cain and Lincecum are good (if a little wild). Aaron Rowand is decent. That’s all. 3 good players. 3! They have a very large child named Angel Villalona whom everyone seems to think is the new God of hitting at age 17. His OPS so far in his professional career is .756, which is roughly Joe Crede-good and he can’t play defense. On top of their best (and only) prospect Bobby Kielty-ing it, they have to live out Barry Zito’s contract. That’s like Beach Boys episode of Full House funny (Full House took place in San Fransisco, in case you forgot). Though they’ve been merely bad so far this year, the ugly is on its way—we’re talking Joakim Noah type of ugly.

The Whale’s Vagina Fathers (San Diego Padres for the non German/Spanish speaking readers)

The Fathers are looking nones the good right now. And the fact that nobody cares about baseball in San Diego makes them sixpence nones the richer. On top of everything they do going down the tubes, Jake Peavy is DLed—there she goes again. They have two capable hitters—Giles and Gonzalez. There bullpen is pretty decent as well. But Chris Young is having a tough year so far and their usually amazing pitching isn’t all that amazing anymore. Mark Prior ain’t going to fix it either. They have a few decent hitting prospects in Matt Antonelli, Kyle Blanks (of being the size of Godzilla fame) and Chase Headley—all of whom should be good major league hitters. Their farm system looks rather bland pitching-wise. So, right now, things are looking pretty crapcore. But, unlike the Giants, they have some intelligent front office people—Kevin Towers and Paul DePodesta to be specific. Things should turn around a bit for the Fathers in the long-term, but this year, they look Pearl Harbor-bad. Too soon?

...And Rip Hamilton just called Michelle Tafoya "sir" for a second time. This time she didn't laugh at him. Rip certainly is a man of strong conviction. Or strong ignorance—in that he doesn't know you aren't supposed to say "yes, sir" to a woman.

...And Jason Taylor has an anti-animal cruelty commercial, where he holds a puppy in his lap (and bailamos-es?). Do I sense some beef with Vick coming?

Today’s Random Quote:

“I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.” – Will Ferrell as Ron Burgundy in Anchorman

Woooo Hoooo!!!! Double!!!!

For the first time since my youth (1999) Manchester United lifted the European crown again. And it was awesome. Unfortunately it had to end in penalty kicks, but at least they were heart-attack inducing penalty kicks that ended in the tears of penalty-kick-shanker/handicap-spot-parker , John Terry. Also, Russian-mobster/billionaire-oil-man, Roman Abramovich, probably cried too. Everyone the world over (except West London) cheered as Man U triumphantly proved that you can't buy a championship. Abramovich will have to continue to lose all kinds of money over-spending for overrated players to try and get that elusive Champions League title, while ticket sales dwindle since nobody likes to watch Chelsea's shitty, boring style of soccer. Anyways, that's enough about soccer. Nobody in America likes it anyway. Go Reds! Suck it Blues!

Also, Rip Hamilton just called Michelle Tafoya "sir." It was mighty funny.

Rox Recap 5/19/08 (Deja Vu All Over Again)

I came to a realization today about our boys after enjoying this rare 3 game winning streak they have so generously bestowed upon us. Their record as of today, May 20, stands at 18-27, hardly something to sneeze at (though my allergies have me doing quite the contrary.) 18-27 though. Sound familiar? Last year at this time, the Rox had the exact same 18-27 record as they had just lost the first game of a series in the desert with the D-Backs. Then Troy Tulowitzki, or so the story goes, erupted in the clubhouse after the game, screaming about how the team was too talented to be playing such shitty baseball. From that point on, well, you know the rest. The Rockies were the second best team in baseball the rest of the way going 72-46 and making their magical run to the World Series. I’m not saying history is going to repeat itself because we still have many glaring holes in our ballclub (starting pitching, second base, clutch hitting, upper management, manager, mascot, etc), but I still agree with Tulo circa 2007. This team is way too talented to be playing like they have been all year, and hopefully it’s only a matter of time before we begin another run…to at least mediocrity.

1) Clint Barmes: See Eric’s previous blog post.

2) The starting pitching has begun the slow turnaround as well, hopefully beginning a better trend than the Latin Invasion. Jorge (pronounced George like Jorge Piedra) de la Rosa threw 5.1 manageable innings yesterday, only allowing 2 earned runs and 4 hits. Though Jason "George Foreman" Grilli got the win, his first as a Rockie, our starting pitching has begun to pitch to their potential. From Four-Balldo to Francis, from Cookie to G-Rain (that’s Reynolds) we’ve gotten strong performances from everyone lately. It’s not their fault the offense hasn’t scored any runs or the bullpen hasn’t held their leads. If we continue on this path, everything else is going to fall into place.

3) You might not see a gutsier double play than the one turned by Omar Quintanilla last night in the 8^th. With no outs and runners on first and second, Aaron Rowand, after making the worst decision of his professional career by leaving the Phillies to sign with the Giants, swung at the first pitch and grounded to Atkins at third. He winged it to Quintaniller at second who hung in hard with the runner bearing down on him and somehow got enough on the throw to double up Rowand. He was even hit on the knee in midair and still managed to complete the play. If he doesn’t cowboy up there, it’s first and third with one out and the Rockies are still in trouble. Instead they get out of the inning and eventually take the game 4-3 for their third straight win. Skip Hurdle recognized the play as a turning point and even though Omahhhh is 0 for his last 15, plays like that win ballgames and the Rockies haven’t done enough of the little things right to be successful this season.

On a sidenote, my cousin Justin Masterson pitches for the Red Sox today against the Kansas City Royals in Fenway. In his Major League debut against Los Los Angeles Angeles, he threw 6 innings only giving up 2 hits and 1 run while striking out 4. No pressure though, but all he has to do is follow Jon Lester’s no hitter from last night.

Go…Jets?

Q: Are we not men? A: We are Clint Barmes!

There is a Rockies shortstop that has been inhuman this year. And I don’t mean that they are a major asshole, or a private asshole (Spaceballs! Woo!). I mean that they played superior to their human abilities. Is it Troy Tulowitzki? No. Omar Quintanilla? Jamey Carroll? Aaron Miles? Desi Relaford? No. No. No. No. It’s Clinton Barmes—of deer meat infamy.

It looks like April 2005 every time Barmes comes up to the plate. Whenever Kenny Chesney’s “Back Where I Come From” chimes on in the Coors Field loudspeakers, I can feel the buzz of Sin City, while I, in my nerdiness, eagerly await Palindromes. It hearkens back to some unknown, who projected as a utility infielder, rocking the baseball world (or the world within the state of Colorado).

Then there was that fateful deer. It viciously attacked Barmes, causing him to trip, fall down the stairs, and break his collarbone. After the deer intentionally destroyed his collarbone, Barmes lived in fear of that deer. When he looked up at the pitcher from home plate, he saw it with bright red eyes, snorting fire/smoke. The fear inevitably caused him to blow at hitting—for about 700 plate appearances.

This year, however, Barmes is fuckin’ shit up old school with a line as such: .357/.393/.565/.958. For a shortstop (well, for just about any position) that line is ridiculous; ridiculous to the tune of a .314 EqA. Barmes is also ranked 26^th in all of baseball in VORP, despite having 60-70 fewer plate appearances than most of the people ahead of him. He has been one of the Rockies’ most valuable hitting commodities, after Matt Holliday and Garrett Atkins, respectively.

Will has raking and rakishness last? I guess we’ll see. It doesn’t really bode well for Barmes, though. His career minor league line: .285/.342/.421/.763. That’s not very good. That’s not even close to comparable to what he has done thus far this season. Could he overachieve past his minor league numbers? It’s possible. Matt Holliday did it (minor league OPS: .777, major league OPS: .935), but Matt Holliday is a special case.

There is something else to note. Clint Barmes’ BABIP right now is .394. This means that Barmes is getting lucky. Sometime soon some of those hits that have been dropping aren’t going to drop anymore. Barmes also doesn’t take a lot of walks. So it’s a good bet that Barmes’ OBP will soon plummet to league average or possibly lower.

It is possible that he’ll have some crazily improbable year that goes against physics, but that’s about as likely as the new Star Trek movie being good, and it has some jerk not named Shatner playing Captain James Tiberius Kirk (that’s right, I’m a nerd and I’m not ashamed to admit it). It would be great for the Rockies and for Barmes if he could keep it going, but somehow I can’t believe that Barmes will continue to perform about as well as Chipper Jones has for his entire career. Call me a pessimist if you like. Might as well enjoy the ride while it lasts though.

Today's Random Quote:

"Whoo-wee. Shut my mouth. Slap your grandma. There outta be a law. Get the Sheriff on the phone. Lord have mercy, how'd she even get them britches on that honky tonk badonkadonk?" Trace Adkins in hit song "Honky Tonk Badonkadonk"

We're Switching

So, we will soon be at www.frostbrewedbaseball.com. We are in "transition," which I guess means that it won't be fully processed for 3 days. For now, it should do all the redirection for you.

There Can Be Only One

Highlander??? Everybody has seen those NBA playoff commercials by now. These. The "you gotta step up or you go home, I no longer feel the fear," splitface deals. As far as game advertisements go, they are pretty decent, if repetitive. Well, they got me thinking… What if baseball ripped the NBA off and did the exact same thing for the baseball playoffs? And I thought of some possibilities…

1.David Eckstein/Mike Lowell

Background Song: “Like a Rock” by Bob Seger

And the script would go something like this:

What does it take to be World Series MVP?

Are you gritty?

A grinder?

A meatball sub?

To be MVP, most of all it takes courage.

Courage to stand up to your white skin and say, “I will get a hit.”

“I will refuse to be denied.”

And if you can do that…

Nobody will care about what your teammates did.

You won the game.

All by your gritty, white self.

Title: There Can Be Only One Gritty Race

2.Tim McCarver/Joe Morgan

Background Song: “Fur Beach” by Daughters

I couldn’t possibly try to form some script for this because it would be utter chaos. The directors of the commercial would try to convince them to follow a script and speak simultaneously, but that would never happen. McCarver would try his faux poetry that makes little to no sense, but almost seems like English because of his smooth, southern drawl. McCarver would cause himself to be so overwhelmingly self-satisfied by his ability to wax poetic that he would stare at the camera with a smug smirk on his face for the remainder of the commercial. Morgan, meanwhile, would be spouting about consistency and “true” clutch hitting, but would forget whom he was talking about. He would then start talking about how he knew Robinson Cano was going to be a good hitter when he came up. Afterwards he would decide that he was doing a Cubs game and say that Alfonso Soriano is more comfortable in leadoff spot, over and over, even while all the titles are going up.

Title: There Can Be Only One Worst Ever Color Commentator

3. Dane Cook/Frank Caliendo

Background Song: “When Doves Cry” by Prince

Again, a script for this would be utterly impossible. Caliendo would do an impression of Cook. The commercial would generally consist of the camera trying to follow both of them around and keep their faces matched up, while there was profuse yelling, stomping, and saying “bro,” without any remotely intelligent or funny things being said. About midway through the commercial, everyone’s TV would explode. But by that point, everyone in the entire world would have lost their sense of humor (even if they weren’t watching—the effect would be THAT devastating). Humans would then devolve and lose the ability to laugh, causing it to be some mythical reaction that confuses and scares future generations when they see it on old television shows and movies.

Title: There Can Be Only One October

4. Derek Jeter/Derek Jeter

Background Song: “Kiss from a Rose” by Seal

And the script would go something like this:

There’s so much pressure in the playoffs.

So many eyes watching.

You just have to know that you belong.

For me, that’s easy.

I’m driven.

Clutch means more cologne.

It means never having to get balls hit up the middle.

It means shitting excellence.

It means making your teammates better just by the majesty of your presence.

And then…

When they are sliding the ring on your finger…

And you can feel the champagne burning your eyes...

You will know that Derek Jeter must have been on your team.

Because otherwise, you couldn’t have won the World Series.

Title: There Can Be Only One Derek Jeter

Today's Random Quote:
"'Heineken? Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Riboon, man!' - 'Dennis Hopper, Blue Velvet. Whoa, I'm slutty. Whoa, I'm slutty.' - Pauly Shore in Bio Dome"

That was a quote citation of another quote. Sooooo meta.

Colorado Pro Sports Power Rankings

1. Colorado Avalanche
They at least got to the conference semifinals this year. They were relatively comfortable in reaching the playoffs (7th seed). On top of this, they have some talented young players (Stastny, Svatos, Woolski). They did, however, drop Quenneville and are now sans coach. The lack of coach hurts them, but the fact that they actually won a playoff series overrides that.

2. Denver Nuggets
Like the Av's, they made the playoffs, but certainly not comfortably. They snuck in right at the end of the season. Then they got embarrassed by the Lakers. The team is brimming with talent, but the talent often overflows and the team collapses. This offseason will be huge for the Nuggets as they could either drop to the bottom of this list, or rise to the top.

3. Colorado Rapids
They are currently tied for first place (even if they have a losing record), which no other Colorado team can say currently or at the end of their most recent season. They also have some "talented" (it's MLS, I mean come on) players in Cooke, Mastroeni, and former MVP Christian Gomez. It's also not like they have any real competition in their division. Things are looking up for the Rapids, but there is no getting past their 3-4 record.

4. Denver Broncos
Jay Cutler looks good. Brandon Marshall looks good. Ryan Clady (I'm calling it) will be very good. There is offensive hope. Defense? Not so much. The D-Line, Linebackers, and even the secondary look questionable. I'm afraid Mr. Mike Shanahan would be better suited to be an offensive coordinator than a head coach. And he has never been much of a drafter. The Broncos are rather enigmatic, as a few pieces falling in the right place could lead to a playoff appearance. We'll see.

5. Colorado Rockies
If this were last November, the Rockies would be unquestionably number one. If this were this March or early April, the Rockies would probably be number two, behind the Nuggets. If this were now, which it is (I'm pretty sure), the Rockies would be dead last. They look awful and hopeless. At times they are hard to watch (though so are the Rapids and any other MLS team).

Enter our domain...

So, it's looking like this weekend we will finally upgrayedd to www.frostbrewedbaseball.com. It will make us look, but not actually be, much cooler.

You pokerface; you brought ‘er.

Get it? Anyways—the baseball pokerface. I came up with the idea for this post a few days ago and haven’t gotten around to it until today. I swear on the grave of the Rockies 2008 season that I thought of it a few days ago. Then, this afternoon, while I was doing research for a newspaper article, I opened up Mozilla. There, staring me in the face on the ESPN homepage was an article by fricking Jerry Crasnick about showing your emotions in baseball. Up until today, I thought Crasnick was a halfway-decent human writer. Now I know that he is some kind of crazy Alien from Europa or Titan with some form of mind-reading device, posing as a sports writer in order to gain perspective on our cultural and political practices, possibly with sinister intentions:

Do you trust that face? So very sinister…

Since Crasnick did lots of research and did a "Starting 9" of the most significant examples of emotional baseball players, I will instead just rant about the concept of the baseball pokerface, maybe providing a few recent examples. Actually, I’m doing that because I’m lazy.

There was a lot of hoopla and hullabaloo recently about Joba Chamberlain’s fist pumpage and the vexation it caused hall of famer Goose Gossage, who apparently still wants media coverage because he is bored and his newfound hall of famerness is no longer fulfilling. I would like to officially declare Shenanigans on Gossage and the other Debbie Downers and Negative Nancys who complain about emotion in baseball.

I completely understand why baseball players have the unwritten law that they must act like stoic robots. People don’t want to be shown up, whether it’s the umpire, a pitcher who just gave up a home run, or whoever. The problem with robotics is that it is dehumanizing. Instead of being normal, emotionally driven people, our heroes on the TV screen must act as though they feel nothing. Then when a reporter puts a microphone in their face, they spout standard sports clichés that are boring and tell you nothing about a player (see Bull Durham).

I, personally, enjoy when a baseball player acts out in baseball. If Barry Bonds didn’t pirouette, I wouldn't know that he wanted to be a ballerina as a child. If Manny Ramirez didn’t pose at the plate after every long fly ball, I wouldn’t know he was an asshole (well, maybe I would). If Ozzie Guillén didn’t firmly plant his foot into his mouth every time he opened it up, I wouldn’t have profanity-laden, homophobic tirades to laugh at. I could go on.

Sure, all of these people “disrespect the game” according to some archaic standard that was apparently established long before I was born. But, I’d like to see a little disrespect. It makes for good entertainment. When a rookie gets their first hit, instead of standing there acting like it is nothing, they should jump up and celebrate. They could even awkwardly high five the opposing first baseman. I’m sick of every announcer in the history of the world saying something along the lines of, “he isn’t showing it, but you know he’s smiling on the inside.” If the pitcher feels disrespected, they can give the rookie some chin music next time they come up. Maybe then, the rookie will get pissed and they can fight—more entertainment!

One of my favorite Rockies highlights of the last few years was the time that Matt Holliday hit a baseball to Jupiter (perhaps Crasnick put a communiqué into the baseball) against Matt Cain. He proceeded to run around the bases screaming “yeah, bitch!” at Cain.

Then there was that time when Beltin’ Helton hit the walk off homer against Takashi Saito that helped spurn the Rockies onto their end of season blitzkrieg. He ran and jumped into the homeplate mash-up like he was about to eat a live deer.

Then, as I write this, I just came upon a play today, in which Manny Ramirez made a running catch, jumped up the fence and high-fived a fan, then threw the ball back in to double off a runner. Ramirez being Manny.

I love baseball and I would be just fine with it staying as it is. If the MLB wants more revenue, however, they might encourage a little more emotion and showmanship out of their baseball players and managers. It has worked for the NFL. Everyone knows Chad Johnson and Terrell Owens are jerks, but they are fun to watch. It has also worked for television. There are all kinds of reality shows with insane people that flip out for no reason. Why do people watch it? For entertainment. For a few laughs. For the sense of security that can only come about when you know there are dumber, crazier people in the world than you.

When I see a pitcher pump their fist after a strikeout, or a batter admire their majestic home run, it let’s me know that they care about what they are doing; that winning matters to them. This helps convince me, as well, to care about what they are doing and whether or not they win.

Today’s Random Quote (or Exchange):

Tobias: I’m afraid I just blue myself.

Michael: There’s got to be a better way to say that.

- from Arrested Development

Rox Recap 5/14/08 (What the Hell's Goin On Out There?)

My apologies to everyone who has sat at their computer screens, refreshing their browser window, anxiously awaiting the moment that I post a new blog. I’m graduating from Kenyon College on Saturday and this whole week is dedicated to the school throwing the seniors a bunch of keggers in celebration of their impending release into the real world, so forgive me for not being in the right frame of mind for a blog post. Anyhoo, what was I supposed to be talking about? The Rockies? The 15-24 Rockies? The team whose ace is winless and sports a 6.27 ERA? The team who can’t seem to manage to make any kind of sustained run of success? The team who only seems to win when Aaron Cook toes the rubber? Right, those Rockies. I give Aaron Cook about 25 more projected starts on the season if he stays healthy. If the Rockies win all of those games, our final record would stand at a cool 40-122, making us literally the worst team in baseball history. Do I think that would happen? Heck no. The bullpen would blow at least a few of Cookie’s starts and finally the madness would catch up to Cookie and he would demand to be traded, knowing that he already had the Cy Young Award in his pocket with those 31 wins. Does this sound like I’m rambling? Maybe, but it’s hard to write about a subject you’re so passionate about when all it gives you is frustration and a heaping helping of mental instability. I’m going to do my best to just focus on the positives in this post, hoping that the good vibes will rub off on our boys in purple, but I’m livin’ on the edge when it comes to my optimism.

1) Is anybody hotter than Garrett Atkins right now? Maybe Jessica Alba, but that might be about it. He’s the Triple Crown front runner on the Rox right now with a .335 average, 7 home runs, and 26 rbi’s. He’s also leading in hits, doubles, and total bases. If it weren’t for Jerry, I don’t even want to think how much worse off we’d be. He absolutely obliterated a home run to left center off Randy Johnson last night, the ball traveling well over 450 feet. What else does he have to do to try and get the Rox out of this funk? I’m not sure if he could pitch all that well, but it couldn’t be worse than the abominable performances we’ve thrown out there this year. Maybe we could make an exception and bat Garrett 8 times throughout the lineup with an occasional at bat from Matt or Todd.

2) Manny Corpas pitched an entire inning without giving up a hit or a run, so you know, that’s cool I guess.

3) 5 players had multi hit games including the diminutive but deadly Jon Herrera who’s banging down Skip Hurdle’s door for more playing time. He’s got a .400 on base percentage in 8 games so far and has been sterling defensively. He should get more of a chance though Grimes-y is still hitting .337 and Quintanilla is keeping it real too.

Is Aaron Cook pitching yet? No? Fantastic.

Sabotage?

This is my apartment building:

I'm thinking it could have been either Clint Hurdle, Dan O'Dowd, or Yorvit Torrealba, as they are the most common scapegoats for Frost Brewed Baseball. Since Boulder is closer to Denver, they decided to attack me, rather than Anthony who is all the way out in Ohio. This is of course all speculative. Also, the fire never reached my apartment, so Ha Ha Ha! I win again Clint, Dan, or Yorv!

As the reds go marching up up up!

Yeah, I know nobody gives a crap about the beautiful game (soccer) in America, and Anferny only likes the 'talians, but I feel obligated to congratulate my beloved Red Devils (Manchester United). They won their ninth premiership title in fifteen years, and second consecutive. And no, I'm not a bandwagoneer; I've been a Man U fan since Eric Cantona (or the greatest soccer player in the history of the world/second best athlete ever, after John Elway/wearer of the divine number 7/the only person who could make popping your collar cool) signed about sixteen years ago. Somehow, the reds were able to overcome Chelsea and Roman Abramovich's grotesque checkbook on the final day of the season (today, or Sunday, stupid clock).

I also feel like I should congratulate Ronnie (Christiano Ronaldo) on getting the FA Footballer of the Year award (and soon to be FIFA World Player of the Year Award (fingers-crossed)). I'd also like to congratulate Ronnie for receiving the FA Premier League Most Metrosexual Player of the Year Award (I have no idea what that stuff on his head is. It must be some European thing.)

Anyways, go reds in the Champions League final on May 21!

Good vibrations. Come on. Come on. Feel it. Feel it.

So Marky Mark Redman got optioned to Colorado Springs and, to take his place, the Rockies brought up 2006 first-rounder Greg Reynolds. Can he help Aaron Cook create some stability in the Funky Bunch (heretofore known as the Rockies pitching staff)?

In his debut today, he didn’t not maybe pitch half-good. He most certainly started out well, but so did The Clash. And like The Clash, he tanked in the sixth inning (or the fifth album according to scale). For the first five innings, he pounded the strike zone like Rocky pounds dead cows—vigorously. Then he pounded it a little too hard (that’s what she said! What? Is that not cool anymore?). He started giving up big hits and exited stage left with four earned runs on the board.

Those last few earned runs notwithstanding, he did a decent job. He kept his pitch count down (around 12 an inning), he only walked two, and for the most part he seemed in control. There was definitely some promise shown. His arsenal (Arsenal sucks! Go Man U!) looked solid: sinking, tailing fastball, circle change with a nice screwball action (that’s baseball terminology, pervert), and a monster uncle Charlie (see previous parentheses). There are some other terms that frighten me, but I feel I should mention them: he showed “poise” and “make-up” on the mound. Ever since the Rockers drafted Reynolds, scouts have raved about his make-up, i.e. they dropped ecstasy and danced to house music with glowsticks in order to express their appreciation for how his make-up accentuates his natural beauty without making him look whore-ish (was that joke too easy?). What “make-up” actually means is that he doesn’t LITERALLY shit himself on the mound.

Parentheses.

Quotes.

-Dude, it was so funny, I LITERALLY shit my pants.

-Wow. What did you do with your shitty pants?

-No, dude. I didn’t ACTUALLY shit my pants, I LITERALLY shit my pants. You don’t get it.

End quotes (Thank you David Cross).

End Parentheses.

So there is definitely an upside that was visible. There was also the downside.

He struck out one person in 5.2 deep. ONE! He is playing into the sinker-baller mold. This means that Reynolds lives and dies by BABIP. Like his co-sinkerfireamacator, Aaaaaaron Cook, who has had a lot of BABIP help so far, he needs to learn to strike more duderinos out, or else he may find a lot of hits dropping when his luck and defense catch up to him. Reynolds appears to have the “stuff” to strike guys out, but he doesn’t get the K, k? Baseball Prospectus (or the creators of what should be the official baseball bible) calculated Reynolds to have a Stuff rating of -14 in ’06 and 11 in ’07. This suggests that his ability to dominate hitters is inconsistent. And if you are a fan of Joe Morgan, you know that consistency is the most important thing ever in the history of baseball, ever (I think I just hindered my argument, like a lot).

I think with his command, the Rockies solid defense, and, most importantly, his precision with lipstick and mascara, Reynolds should be relatively successful at the major league level this year. His fastball, change, and curvepiece all move like K-Fed in You Got Served. Someone teach him how to throw one of them pitch thingies out of the zone with two strikes, please.

Today's Random Quote:

"Whenever I'm about to do something, I think, 'Would an idiot do that?' And if they would, I do not do that thing." - Dwight K. Schrute (Rainn Wilson) in some episode of the American version of The Office

Facial Hair: It’ll add three miles per hour to your fastball…

In honor of Senor Caballero Spielbergo (or Ryan Leonard Spilborghs if you go by birth certificates (douche(bag(!)))), I shall pontificate electronically upon the magnificentude of facial hair in baseball. The gentleman/horseman Spielbergo (also an officer and a gentleman) has donned a prodigious bigote (what they call a mustache in Spielbergo’s native Spain). I think in baseball, of all sports, facial hair is most essential. Sure, there’s the playoff beard in Hockey. But what is more intimidating than a guy stepping into the batters box, looking up and seeing this? Your answer? Nothing, not never, no way, no how.

It all goes back to the Oakland A’s Mustache Gang in the early 70’s. Basically every team in baseball wouldn’t allow facial hair and A’s owner Charlie O. Finley said he would pay any player $500 if they grew a mustache before Father’s Day in the 1972 season. And it produced some good ones:

At that time, the mustache represented rebellion. A baseball player could fight the man by pretending every day was Halloween and that they were in a porno. It literally took away the clean-cut image of baseball players and gave us the grittiness we know, love and admire today.

As we all know, true athletes don’t wear mustaches. Only gritty, unhealthy, possibly overweight players wear the mustache. If drinking 20 cans of Pabst Blue Ribbon the night before a game, then sitting in the dugout with a cigarette in your mouth and an ice pack on your head, and then still going 2-3 with a two-run homer and a walk is your milieu, you deserve a mustache. And this is precisely what Wade Boggs did (Mattingly looks pretty good too over there on the left).

The mustache has progressed over the years…

The dynasty from the mid 70’s to the mid 90’s.

Keeping it real in the 90's. May he rest in peace.

And that brings us to the new Willenium…

I love Swish, but I have no idea what the hell this is.

Unfortunately for the whole world and for future generations, they let one of those guys from the Geico commercials play baseball.

Then there is the basic, standard, not even that exciting, old-man mustache.

You ruined a good thing, yankees.

And all I could find at www.spaniardsandportugueseswordfightingfortheirladyshonor.com was this .

Then there is the overly popular Liriano which, if you’re like me and can only grow facial hair in those exact spots, can make you look like you aren’t 14, but maybe 18 or 19.

Why did the Big Injured have to take his spot? He could still swing it if you stuck him at first. Japan just wasn’t ready for him.

So, to conclude, thank you swingin’ A’s for bringing baseball the glorious world of facial hair. May it live on forever and ever with more and more handle bars, fu manchus, and anything else anyone can think of. In the mustache world, as lady action goes down, intimidation of opposing batters goes up. Long live the mustache in its rarified glory!

Today’s Random Quote (In Honor of One of the Greatest Mustaches Ever):

“Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.” - Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit.

Rox Recap 5/7/08 (It was in the Cards)

This was one of those days where I was completely prepared to write off our beloved Rockies. We whiffed and walked our way to a 3-0 deficit (it definitely could have been worse) and when the 8^th inning rolled around, I had resigned my mind to another notch in the loss column, thus confirming our place as the worst team in baseball. Then, the prodigal son (i.e. LoDo Magic) returned thanks to the 2^nd place finisher in the Inigo Montoya look-alike contest and the man we here at Frost Brewed Baseball have been campaigning for all season. Looks like we’re finally starting to get some recognition in the Denver sports scene.

1) First the good. We won! Yay! It’s been a while since I’ve been able to say that and yeah, I can say that it feels pretty damn good. The offense looked like their anemic selves up until said 8^th inning. Adam Wainwright is the Cardinals ace, granted, but I find it hard to believe that he can hold our lineup scoreless for 7 innings the way he did tonight. Maybe I’m just Rodney Dangerfield-ing him, but I just don’t believe he has that dominating stuff. Then again, we are the Rockies. That 8^th inning was a thing of beauty, even if it did start with Will.i.am Taveras phunking with my heart and making a leadoff out. Quintanilla (pronounced Keent-uh-nill-er) started the rally with a single before the triples party started. Matt rocked one, Todd did his usual thing as of late by not coming through in the clutch (he’ll bring it around), Jerry walked, then Spilly came to the dish. He then told Cards closer Jason Isringhausen that he had killed his father and to prepare to die then fought a single through the hole on the left side to make it a 3-2 game. That brought up everyone’s favorite Iannetta as Chris wasted no time in scolding a fastball from not-so-thin-Izzy down the right field line for a go ahead triple. T Rex then slammed the door after giving up a leadoff single for 3^rd save of the season. I just had one word when the game finished and it was: booya.

2) Jeff Francis did his best Ubaldo Jimenez impression in today’s ballgame and I must admit, he was pretty convincing. 5 innings, 6 hits, 3 runs, and balancing 5 walks with 4 strikeouts while throwing 98 pitches were incredibly Four-Balldo-esque. He also served up a 460 foot dinger to the Cardinals starting fourth outfielder Ryan Ludwick who apparently only kills lefties and the Rockies. I’m not pushing the panic button yet with the Franchise but I’m beginning to get a little worried. He’s made 7 starts this year, the Rockies have now won only 2 of them, and he’s 0-3 with a 5.27 ERA. In his defense, a majority of the hits against him tonight were of the sloppy variety though he was saved by Willy T more than a few times. He’s got a start or two before we have to start calling 911.

3) Iannetta made his 4^th straight start behind the plate and came up with the clutch hit the Rockies needed with his go ahead 2 out triple in the 8^th. This shows that Skip Hurdle might still have a few marbles left in that noggin of his and that his internet blog reading has upgraded to the blog you’re reading right now. Cheers to you, Clint.

4) Spilly has now gotten 6 hits in his last 7 pinch hit at bats and carries a .333 average on his shoulder along with leading the Major Leagues in awesomeness, tubular-arity, facial hair, and batter’s ditties.

We needed this win like the deserts needed the rain (yes, a Eurhythmics reference). This was one of those wins that could possibly be the game we refer to as the turnaround game. Only time will tell but let’s hope til we can’t hope anymore.

Rox Recap Cinco de Mayo (Blast from the Past 2: Worse than that Brendan Fraser Movie)

Finding new and inventive ways to lose used to be the Rockies’ calling card. Then Rocktober happened and it seems Colorado fans forgot all about the lost gambles, the broken hearts, and the suffering we’ve endured throughout the years as we watched terrible teams self destruct by the time the calendar turned to May. They gave us hope last year but now, the real Rockies have returned. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the worst team in baseball. On any given night, the bullpen could blow a 3 run lead late in the ballgame, the offense could go 0-11 with runners in scoring position, the starting pitcher could give up 10 runs in the first inning, or a player with 40 career stolen bases in 8 seasons could score from second base on a groundball to win the game for the opposition.

1) Ubaldo Jimenez completed another frustratingly inconsistent start last night going 5 innings giving up 7 hits, 4 runs, and balancing 3 walks with 4 strikeouts. He would be brilliant at times by striking out Albert Pujols and Rick “Wild Thing” Ankiel with a runner on third and 1 out and then he would labor through a 10 pitch at bat to the opposing pitcher with the ultimate result being a 2 run double. He’s pitched well enough in his last two starts to keep his rotation spot…I guess, but it’s only because no one’s banging down the door to replace him. Who would we sign? Matt Morris? No thanks, we’re shitty enough as it is.

2) Hopefully Hawpe on Pawpe is starting to heat up as he’s hit 2 home runs in the last 3 games. He’s a streaky hitter and he’s been going the wrong way most of the year, so I’m doing all my praying to the big J man in the sky that he’s bout to start rockin like his batter’s ditty.

3) Thanks be to Elway that Aaron Cook is pitching like an ace. Someone has to, right? For a team in dire need of a stopper in the starting rotation, Cook has stopped losing streaks of 4, 3 (twice), and 2 so far this year and coincidentally also stopped the two longest winning streaks of opposing teams this season (2 9-gamers by the Doyers and D-Bags). He’s 5-1 with a 2.40 ERA, getting hitters to pound pitches into the dirt, and well on his way to his first All-Star appearance (it doesn’t hurt that Skip Hurdle is managing the NL All-Stars (reminiscent of Gary Busey leading an army of the dead into battle, anyone?)) Oh yeah, parentheses inside parentheses. Cookie’s been incredible so far and the Rockies have won all 6 of his starts, but it wouldn’t be too much to ask for the Rockies to win a start by another pitcher. For serial.

I don’t know what to do about this team. I don’t want to wear any of my Rockies gear because they’re making me ashamed of them, but at the same time I want to get behind my boys and rally the troops a little. Right now, I’ll take any kind of win. I don’t care if we have to win on a technicality. I just want it done. Who’s pitching tonight? Mark Redman? Shit.

A Poem for the Rockies...

Why dost thou squand’rest thy talents so,

Whilst yon victories plummeteth mightily low?

You’ve nary a top 30 player in VORP,

And thy attle-hurlers cannot get but three.

Whenst therest a runner upon second,

A call’d third strike to the ump is beckoned.

When the moon has risen and the night is nigh,

You blow the damn game because you are already millionaires and winning a baseball game isn't important to you, which offends me on a personal level.

Rockies Minor League Report: For Posterity’s Sake

Are the kids alright? Or are they like those kids in the 1995 horror-film Kids (AIDS is a scary monster too)? Well, it is how it always is—the duality of man falls short (i.e. it’s a mixed bag). Some good. Some bad. Some fluffy?

At the beginning of the year, most rated the Rockies farm system around 10^th in baseball, plus or minus 3 or 4. They cited how last year’s World Series run depleted a lot of the big prospects in the farm system and they didn’t have another wave of prospects ready to follow. Perhaps they were right. Maybe the last wave was humongiganticumental, in the vain of Big Wednesday. Did Garey Busey hold his head in the oven for too long? Maybe. There are a few notable prospects left down there… down there somewhere… down… there… some… where…where…

Colorado Springs Sky Sox

Where… whoopsies. Key prospects and performers stuck in the hellish city of Colorado Springs:

Ian Stewart – He was killing the ball, looking like he did in A-ball, but he apparently lost his vision on April 28^th because he hasn’t got on base even once since then (and he’s struck out 12 times over that span). He has also somehow managed to make 9 errors, which is like Miguel Cabrera bad. Or Derek Jeter when the ball is hit to his left bad. Right now, it’s looking like not trading Every Day Atkins was a good plan.

Greg Reynolds – He has had a Wyld year so far, sometimes pitching like a Stallyn (1 and 2 runs in 7 and 8 IP), sometimes like Jorge De La Rosa (7 ER in 4 IP). Given his career minor league WHIP before this year (1.07), his decent control (2.09 BB/9), his bowling ball fastball, his yellow snapdragon curveball and the comparisons to Chien-Ming Wang, Reynolds should be fine.

Other players – Seth Smith is putting up a scary OBP (.427), but isn’t driving the ball (.406 slugging percentage). Joe Koshansky is flat spanking the ball (.397 OBP, .561 SLG). Unheralded center field prospect Christopher Frey is gittin-r-done (.904 OPS, better than Billiam Taveras?). Veteran pitchers Josh Towers and Victor Zambrano are pitching awfully awful. And Juan Morillo has—count ‘em—18 walks in 8.2 IP. That’s not even funny; that’s sad.

Tulsa Drillers

George Frazier’s fellow Oklahomans with notable performances so far:

Chris Nelson – Yikes! This guy was a number 1 pick (thanks Dan and point your fingers to the sky ). He had a halfway decent year last year, but not this year. He has .622 OPS and has made 13 gosh darn frickin’ errors. To quote Bill Shakespeare: “What the golly gosh is going on there, champ?” (That’s from Hamlet Act IV Scene 3, if you want to check) This guy is bombing in Oklahoma (too soon?).

Dexter Fowler – I can’t wait until this guy’s “graceful” stride is replacing William Taveras’ utterly insane outfield routes. By all scouts' accounts, Fowler is a ballerina in the outfield (that’s good right?). He can hit too (.825 OPS, which is pretty good for a center fielder).

Brandon Hynick – This guy looked like the next Greg Maddux in that he has never walked anybody in his entire life (slight exaggeration). This year, his walks are up, his strikeouts are down and he seems to be getting bit by the BABIP bug. So there is hope that the BABIP will revert to the mean and he’ll make the adjustment to AA-ball. I think he’s just off to slow start and is getting adjusted; sort of like Reynolds (he’s made three straight quality starts).

Casey Weathers – For some reason Mr. Rockies GM (who shall remain nameless) decided, along with his co-conspirators, to use an 8^th overall pick last year for a reliever, when there were many other good, non-relievers available (James Simmons, Sean Doolittle—sorry, I’m also an A’s fan). On the value chart for players, reliever falls near the bottom of the 25-man roster. Relievers should not be picked in the first round, and I say this as a huge Huston Street fan. That being said, Weathers is doing relatively well. He has a 1.54 ERA, but he has walked a few too many and is giving up a suspiciously low amount of hits. So for now, I reserve judgment on him as a player, but not on his selection of 8^th overall.

Other players of note – The two second baseman who make Speedy Gonzalez look like Regular Gonzalez—Corey Wimberley (who has Cody Hawkins-esque stature) and Eric Young Jr. (yes, he’s that Eric Young’s son)—are putting up OBPs over .400, which would be a handy thing for the Rockies right now. EY Jr. is even making legit hits (.506 SLG), but alas, he is injured. Matt Miller, who is really old (25), is hitting well (.902 OPS). 23-year-old Adam Bright is relieving well (0.96 WHIP). Here’s hoping he’s on the fast track to the Rockies bullpen.

Modesto Nuts

Heh, heh... Nuts:

Michael McKenry – This guy destroyed the ball last year—destroyed—but he’s 23 and in A-ball, which doesn’t make him all that prospect-y. He is also not hitting this year at all (.674 OPS). I don’t want the ship to sail on him yet, but it isn’t looking good. And there was so much hope.

Other players of note – The nuts have a surprisingly small number of “big-name” prospects. The cliff notes on the team, though, are that nobody is hitting and everybody is pitching. Infrequently discussed 20-year-old Aneury Rodriguez is dominating. He’s striking out a lot, walking few and not giving up home runs. Also, some guy I have never heard of (and I pay a pathetic amount of attention to the Rockies farm system) named William (or Billy) Harris is Jean-Claude Van Damme-in-Bloodsport-dominating high-A ball. The Rockies picked him in the 25^th round last year (ahem… where relievers should be selected) and since, he has struck 75 people per inning (slight exaggeration) and walked none (slight exaggeration as well). What he really has done this year—30 K’s, 5 BB’s, 1HR in 18.1 IP! This nasty hurler should be in the Rockies pen right now. He’s better than half the guys out there right now… combined! Like the dramatic ellipses?

The Low-Low Teams:

2007 second-rounder Brian Rike is enacting the Wrath of Khan on the ball (go Star Trek!) with a .935 OPS and is supposed to be a prototypical right fielder. Fellow 2007 second-rounder Darin Holcomb is also Metallica-ing the ball (i.e. rocking) with a .997 OPS. Jhoulys Chacin and Cory Riordan (another member of the 2007 draft class) are striking guys out and putting up WHIPs around 1.00. The 157th contributing member of the 2007 draft class, Connor Graham, is doing well too (2.25 ERA, but high number of walks). Yet another 2007-er Joey Williamson, as well as 2006 4^th rounder Craig Baker, are making Asheville’s bullpen daunting. Ok, the 2007 draft class is looking pretty loaded and there might be a few gems in the 2006 class. Maybe in a few years the Rockies will once again have a vaunted farm system. Now, if it could only translate to major league wins…

Note:

Drunkest or craziest color commentator in the big leagues, George Frazier, has a son in the Rockies farm system. He was terrible (2.15 WHIP) for the Casper Ghosts, of glow-in-the-dark hat fame. He has been reassigned spectrally to the Ghosts for this year. Let's all hope he has a phantasmal year in the name of his mustacheioed father.

Today’s Random Quote:

“No one ever asked me to find anything they didn't want dead.” – Michael Madsen in the 1995 all-time classic Species

One more time... Wow.